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Click here"And lastly, Jun Kimura, eighteen, the Ghost. Imprisonment length, one month. Skill of Soul: Frost Monarch. The mystical power of crystallization."
Hajiro looked up from the list of names he just read from. He smiled and turned to the frail, bedridden elderly man next to him. It was a dim room he was in, the only light emanating from the crystal chandelier hanging high from the ceiling. This was the Headmaster's room, deep beneath the Foundry's main quarters, only accessible by Hajiro and, when given permission, Sakina.
Taji Chalcedon, the Headmaster, was beyond helpless; bony and emaciated, struggling to hold onto life and supported by the many tubes and pipes that connected his body to a mysterious humming machine. Immobile and elderly, Taji was kept hidden away and secret to almost everyone in the Foundry.
"Well, Headmaster?" Hajiro asked, sneering at the bedridden man. "What do you think of them? These are all the Cursed worthy of note I gathered through my research."
Taji smiled crookedly - the large wrinkles on his face made him facially asymmetrical. "They all sound delicious to me. Though they all need more work," he said in a raspy voice, "I think this generation will be the best yet."
"Don't get too excited, you old geezer," Hajiro warned. "You've been watching the Blood Baths, no? You know what they're capable of. Your body won't last a minute against them."
Taji chuckled, struggling for air. "Yes, you have a point. This body, no. But I trust you have selected a suitable one like I asked?"
Hajiro's glasses shone brightly in the dim room. "Actually, no I haven't. I've been awfully busy preparing to meet with an inspector from the outside, it must have slipped my mind." He shrugged nonchalantly, feigning sympathy. "Too bad."
Taji opened his mouth to speak, but instead coughed, hacking violently, then wiped the blood from his mouth. "Find one quickly," he ordered in a scratchy, feeble voice, "or else I won't last any longer. That is your duty. Do not come back unless you are successful."
Hajiro bowed in compliance, getting up without a word. As he exited the Master's room, he heard Taji cough again, wheezing and gasping for air. A sly smile spread across Hajiro's face as the heavy metal door clicked shut behind him. 'Soon,' he thought. 'Anytime now.'
- COMMENTS
Anonymousover 10 years agoThis story is very good thus far but I suppose it would be considering how closely it resembles deadman wonderland I mean the wardens name is sakina which sounds similar to machina the warden in the fore mentioned show/manga
Anonymousalmost 11 years agoare you the author that partnered up with outama? this story seems like a spin-off of los desperados, i am loving it! pleas continue!
Anonymousover 11 years agoI really agree with the earlier comment about resemblance to DW. However I enjoy the settong and character development more than that of the original story. Also being a HUGE lover of yaoi and shounen ai, I thought the storyline was just fantastic. C:
thatonekiddover 11 years agoAuthorFirst, thank you for your input! I take it all into consideration.
As for the sentence/imprisonment length, each and every inmate is there for life. What Hajiro was reading to the Headmaster at the end was how long each Cursed was imprisoned for. Takuya was there for five years, Mudora was there for three years and Jun had only been there for one month.
I apologize deeply for any confusion this may have caused! Again, thank you all and stick with these Cursed for the next installment!
Anonymousover 11 years agoI see the resemblance to DW, however, I like this story way better. Why? As a girl, I love yaoi and I can tell Jun and Takuya are going to make one heck of a cute couple!
nastolgiclikeyouover 11 years agoFirst of all nice job. Though I'm sure I've read a story on lit. with the same setting and same names, so at first I thought it was one of those stories stolen from sb else; but then with all that magic fight. It was different.
You uploaded 8 pages, that's a lot and still there were plenty of holes. I know I gotta wait for more details but I'm sure your story will be super great if you use a beta reader or two who can show the gaps.
All in all, nice job.
Anonymousover 11 years agoI'm enjoying the story alot. I was unsure in the beginning. Not for the reason metajinx said. I did feel a connection to the character from the beginning. I mean, imagine his experience. To find you did something that is unfathomable, then possibly killed your family in such a gruesome way. To then be run through the justice system at full speed and end up convicted and in this wierd place! The reason I was initially unsure is b/c it was running very similarly to another story I read on here a while ago. I couldn't tell you which it was. This had some different parts like the crystal forming power, but it was set up similarly with the 3 heads of the jail and the one bringing an inmate in and gaining control of him..anyway it eventually parted from the memory of the other story and I became invested in the story. I was extremely thrown at the end to hear these inmates really had such short sentences! And who is the guy who is dying? Is it that guy who beat Taku?
As a beta reader, I would point out one or two things... one is how this whole keeping the inmates there forever works. I wouldn't question the quick court procedings, etc. bc this is a world that is made up. It doesn't take place in a contemporary court where trials take a long time. Details like that are up to the author. In addition, I could see that it is completely possible that the people behind Hajira could have a fake trial or a trial that was fixed to put him in jail and for life...the thing is that the press was involved. So, how does his sentence of 1 month turn into a lifetime? Say the press was convinced he was released in a month or whatever, how would the warden not have the right info and be releasing the prisoners? Even if she were fed the fake sentences, why wouldn't she have caught a report about one of her prisoners and realize the sentence didn't match what she was told. And we know that Jun doesn't remember any court procedings that might have been the real ones. I guess my big problem is with the warden being clueless (along with her staff possibly being just as unaware of the Blood Baths) when this is an event that is bet on by outside people. This jail is known even to an innocent kid like Jun before he is arrested. Surely, the rumors about the Blood bath would have met her ears at some point. How could she also miss people being removed from her cell-block to fight and returning the pills for a month for themselves or others? I just am a fan of making things seem 'realistic' or at least follow-through and make sense in the story. I just hope going foward, hiding the fights from the warden can be be done in a way that is slightly believable.
As for the rest, I really like the way things are building between Taku and Jun. I like how it is a gradual thing they both didn't expect. I am wondering whether Jun knew he was gay or if this is a surprise to him. He clearly likes only guys and at least admits it to himself in his own mind which is good. I know it will come to the day he has to fight Taku and I don't know what will happen then. I would love to see them escape by the time of the fight. I look forward to more of their growing their relationship. I'm actually hoping it continues a bit slowly. I love their chemistry.
If this is your first time writing a story (i can't remember if you said that it is), then you should be very proud of it.
~cannd
thatonekiddover 11 years agoAuthorI can't thank you guys enough :)
I appreciate every bit of criticism; as a writer, that's one of the best rewards. @metajinx - I was pondering the court scene a bit because of that same reason, but I thought to emphasize the "fast moving blur" like how it felt to Jun, by just keeping it as short as possible. Went straight from the hospital to the sentence - like how it would feel to Jun.
I apologize for any confusion I caused because of that! *bows*
As for the second part, currently working on it with my peers! I'm not sure if I should say "it'll get better" because my "better" probably isn't the same as your "better", so I'll just say something like "hang in there with me, guys! The story is getting more intense!"
:]
Anonymousover 11 years agoI don't like Hajiro. At all. He gives me a "sneaky two faced antagonist" vibe. I do like Sakina though. She's badass. Contrary to "metajinx", I actually relate and like Jun, although maybe it's just me. Haha. I do see what he/she is saying though.
Perhaps in part 2 we can see the characters develop more? Love the work and will be highly anticipating the next installment! Really refreshing and unexpected amongst the gay fantasy stories here.
