The Fourth Man Ch. 03

"What do you mean, don't tell Ken. He's got a right to know his wife is pregnant with his kid."

"Agreed, but right now she's scared to death. You remember what happened before."

"Of course I remember. What'd she do, stop using her birth control?"

"No, she has a diaphragm but it must have slipped. What difference does it make? It happened."

"I don't get it, why doesn't she want to tell Ken? I doubt very much that he'd divorce her now."

"That's just it. She doesn't want him to think she's trying to blackmail him into taking her back. If they do stay together, she wants to make sure it's because he still loves her and not just because he feels it's his obligation."

"Well I must say, that's admirable on her part but it doesn't make sense. Of course he's going to feel it's his obligation; you think for one minute Ken would walk away from his kid? Even if he files for divorce it wouldn't be final for six months. She's obviously going to be showing by then. She can't keep something like that a secret for long and he could stop the divorce anytime."

Marge thought about what he said. "You're right. I guess she's just not thinking logically right now."

"Well I'm not about to keep a secret like this from Ken and piss him off any more than I have already. Besides, as angry and hurt as he is, he still loves her. She's going to need him, Marge. I think all he needs is an excuse to take her back and this certainly qualifies."

***

All that day things were kind of hectic in the office, for both Jack and Ken. As it got toward the end of the day Jack asked his buddy to join him for a drink. Ken thought it was a great idea. It'd been a hard day and it would be good to unwind. He had no idea Jack had anything specific on his mind until he suggested they sit at a table instead of the bar. They gave the barmaid their order before Jack started to talk.

"I have to ask you, my friend, have you come to any conclusions about what you're going to do yet."

Ken looked up and saw the waitress returning with their beers and indicated he would wait until she was gone before responding. The truth was he hadn't decided anything yet, although he didn't see how he could ever trust her again. Even so, he was still anguishing over divorcing her, even after she'd hurt him so badly he couldn't simply stop loving her. A sip of beer gave him a small reprieve before answering his friend's question.

"No, I really haven't, Jack. The other day, Laura tried to take full responsibility for everything, but she didn't put a gun to Jen's head. The fact is, Jen knew exactly what she was doing when she left for her little lesbian affair that weekend. And what still bothers me, I think even more than the act itself, is the way she did it; all that crap about trusting her. You say she wasn't trying to rub my nose in it, but I don't see any other way of looking at it. Still...well, you know me, I've never been one to just give up on anything, let-a-lone my marriage; I don't know, maybe counseling."

He took another sip of brew. "Why, is she becoming a problem?"

Jack was still wrestling with the information he possessed. He wanted what was best for his buddy; he just wasn't sure what that was. He knew Ken still loved her, but was taking Jennifer back really in his best interest? Still...he had to take his own advice. She'd be showing and if Ken knew he tried to hide it from him there'd be hell to pay.

"No, no problem, not really, but...well, yes, I guess there is a problem," Jack fiddled with the beer bottle on the table in front of him.

"Well come on, Jack, out with it."

"She's pregnant."

At first Ken wasn't sure he heard correctly. After her miscarriage, his wife refused to even talk about trying again. The death of their unborn child had been devastating for both of them. He had given up hope of ever becoming a father.

"Did you say Jen was pregnant?" he asked not believing his own ears.

Jack nodded. "Yup, she's been vomiting in the mornings. Marge thought it was morning sickness and had her take a home pregnancy test; it showed positive. She has a doctor's appointment next week to make sure but Marge says there's no doubt."

Jack watched as his friend sat, staring down at the floor and not saying a word, almost as if he was in shock.

"She didn't what us to tell you," he continued. "Marge says she's absolutely terrified, but even so, she didn't want to get you back only because you felt you had to, she wants you back because you love her."

"She knows damn well I love her. She'd have the divorce papers in her hand already if I didn't love her."

Jack had no idea what was going through his buddy's mind but it was obvious he was struggling with the new information.

"I've got to think about this," he told Jack. "In the meantime, don't say anything to Jennifer. As far as she knows, I'm still in the dark, okay?"

"Yeah, sure, I won't say a word." Jack had somehow expected his friend to say he would take her back immediately after hearing the news and was shocked at Ken's reaction. He had to ask the question, "Are you still thinking about divorcing her?"

"I don't know, Jack. I just don't know. I still keep going back to that conversation we had, all that, 'Do you trust me crap.' I need some time to think. Her being pregnant puts a new wrinkle in things."

Ken took a big swallow from his bottle. "Are you ready?" he asked.

They both left the bar and took off for home. Marge wanted to ask what happened as soon as he walked in the door but Jen was helping her with dinner. It wasn't until later at night, after putting the kids to bed and after Jen retired for the night, that she got a chance to quiz her husband.

"So... Did you tell Ken?"

"Yeah, I told him," he replied a little hesitantly.

"And...what did he say? Is he going to have her move back?"

"Ah, well he didn't react the way I thought he would. He did mention counseling but he also said he still had some more thinking to do. He's seriously considering divorce. I never thought it would go that far but that's the way it sounded to me. He's got it in his head that she was rubbing his nose in it when she asked him to trust her like she did. It was the supreme act of disloyalty and disrespect as far as he's concern. He just can't get past that."

For the first time since the whole mess started, both Marge and Jack had to seriously consider their friends might be getting divorced.

"My God, Jack, what'll she do if he really divorces her. It'll destroy her."

"I know, honey, but it's not our call. We'll do everything we can for her within reason, but I'm not turning against Ken. If it comes down to taking sides, you know where I stand."

"I know," she said sadly. "I...I just never thought it would come to this."

***

Three days after Jack and Ken had their talk Jen's phone rang. When she saw who it was she started to tremble with fear. It seemed she waited forever for him to call, but now she was terrified to answer.

Her hand shook and her voice was weak. "Hello, Ken."

"Hi, Jen; how are you doing?"

His voice sounded cold which added to her anxiety. "Okay, how about you?"

"I'm doing okay. Jen, we have to talk. I still have a lot of unanswered questions. I've been thinking of the best way to go about it and I think it would be better if you and I had the help of a professional, a counselor...marriage counselor I guess."

This was the best news she'd had in weeks. She wasn't sure what unanswered question he was referring to, but any chance to beg for his forgiveness was welcome. She'd get down on her hands and knees and kiss his feet if that's what it took. She quickly took him up on his offer and said she would meet him anytime, anywhere he wanted.

"Okay, let me check around and see if I can find a good counselor. I'll call and let you know when I do."

"Ken," she hurried up and spoke before he had a chance to hang up.

"Yes?"

"I'm so sorry for all this, I love you so much."

"Uh huh," is all he said before hanging up.

Ken had a lot of issues, trust was probably the biggest. Would he ever be able to trust her again? He had a plan that he hoped would answer that very question. Maybe it wouldn't restore his faith in her completely, but it would help. Unless, of course she chose to deceive him again; in that case it would be the end.

Soon after they had talked, Jen's phone rang again. She looked but didn't recognize the number. "Hello," she answered a little hesitantly.

"Hello, is this Jennifer Ryan?"

"Yes, I'm Jennifer Ryan, who is this?"

"Ms. Ryan, my name is Linda Wilson. I'm calling from Dr. Holdstrome's office. Your husband has retained us for a series of counseling sessions with you and him. Would you have a moment to set your first appointment?"

"Yes, yes," she replied with excitement; "anytime, anytime at all, the sooner the better."

Linda explained that before their first joint session, the doctor wanted to see each of them alone for an hour. They would each be given the opportunity to tell their side of the story openly and freely without any reprisal or hurt feelings from their spouse. Ken had already made his appointment for the following afternoon. Jen agreed to the only timeslot left which was that morning.

After listening to them, the doctor could see Jen's naïveté of the situation. She believed the entire problem centered around her lesbian encounter, but after listening to Ken, he knew there were a lot more issues at hand.

Ken was a little surprised at her appearance when she walked in for their first joint session. He could tell she wanted to look good for him, but in spite of make-up, she looked thin and a little gaunt. There were dark circles under her eyes and her complexion was pale. She gave him a uncertain smile and greeted him in a frail voice. Even under the care of their best friends, it was easy to see the last few weeks had been very hard on her.

With the preliminaries out of the way and both of them seated the doctor started the session.

"Mr. Ryan, after talking to each of you separately, I realized that Mrs. Ryan really is not aware of the total scope of your grievances; therefore, we're going to start with you. I want you to tell her what you told me the other day."

"Alright," answered Ken. He started to speak but looked down at the floor instead of looking at her. "I can almost come to terms with what you did. Laura came to my office a few days ago and told me how hard she worked to convince you, almost pressuring you into your little lesbian rendezvous; what makes it so unforgivable is the egotistical way you felt you had to rub my nose in it, the complete and total disrespect and contempt you showed me."

"What," she almost screamed. "No, never, honey; I never..."

"Please, Mrs. Ryan," interjected the doctor, "let him finish."

"Thank you," he said lifting his eyes to the elderly man across the desk. "Don't tell me no. Do you remember what you asked the first time we talked about it, 'do you trust me?' You knew damn well you were hurting me like that. If you had tried to make something up, some plausible story about why you had to be gone for the weekend I'd say, okay, she was at least trying to spare me the hurt, but no, you gave me all that crap about trust. You played me for a sucker and I fell for it."

By now Jen was wiping her eyes with a tissue, trying to keep up with the tears. Ken had stopped talking and as hard as it was to speak through her sobs, she couldn't let him go on thinking what he was, she had to set the record straight.

"No, no, Ken, you have it all wrong, it's just the opposite."

The doctor was about to cut her off again but Ken gave him a nod to let her resume.

"Ken, there is no excuse for what I did. It was a despicably selfish act, it was the worst thing I've ever done in my life and I did it to the most important man in my life. I knew what I was doing was terribly wrong, nonetheless I wanted it so bad I couldn't help myself, but our discussion had nothing to do with not respecting you or rubbing your nose in my deceit. I love and respect you more than any man I ever knew. When I saw Laura sitting in the restaurant that day, I couldn't believe it. I was hit with a flood of memories. I remembered how much I liked and admired her when she was dating Jerry, and I remembered the shame I felt when I fantasized about her and me together."

She wiped away more tears before continuing.

"You know what my dad is like with it comes to gay people. He calls them fags and queers. My brother isn't much better. I might be more liberal in my thinking but that doesn't mean I still don't know how some of the people I love would see me if they knew I fantasized about a lesbian act."

"Jen, that has nothing to do with..."

"Please, Ken, hear me out. Let me explain, please."

Ken sat back in the chair as if defying her to justify breaking his trust.

"I'm just trying to explain how I felt, I was ashamed and humiliated when I was younger, but I still couldn't help myself. That day, when I saw Laura at the restaurant, she said it was a onetime thing and I'd never have the chance again, she even used the word I thought of at the time...fate, it was fate that put us back together. I wanted it so bad I could taste it," realizing what she said she looked down in embarrassment. "I didn't mean that the way it sounded," she said.

"Go on," the doctor told her without cracking a smile at the unintended pun.

"Okay, well, in spite of how I knew my family would feel, how you would feel if you ever found out, I just had to do it. I'd never have the chance again, and of course no one would ever find out, including you, how could you?"

"Mrs. Ryan," interrupted Dr. Holdstrome when he saw she was getting off track, "why did you ask for your husband's trust then break it? Can you see how he would feel you were rubbing his nose in your deception?"

"Yes...yes I see that now, but at the time...I...I didn't think about it like that, I didn't do it to rub your nose in it; not at all, just the opposite. I did it that way because I couldn't lie to you. I'll admit, at first I thought about it, but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't do it for two reasons; one, I truly have way too much respect for you to try and fool you with a lie, and two, I'm a terrible liar. I couldn't take the chance of tripping up on my own lie somewhere down the line. If you knew I lied to you, you wouldn't rest until you knew the truth, I know you. If I just asked you to trust me and didn't tell you anything, there was no way I would be exposed for lying. I knew you would be suspicious and maybe a little hurt, but not nearly as much as you would be if you knew what I had done. No, I thought about it, simply telling you I had to go and I didn't want you to ask questions, was the safest way. At least that's what I thought."

Jen's throat was dry. Dr. Holdstrome got her a drink of water and she continued.

"It wasn't until I came home and saw the smashed lamp that I realized how much I'd hurt you. I wanted so much to make it up to you but you wouldn't let me."

"How, Jen?" Ken broke in. The anger in his voice startled her. "How do you take away someone's pain, especially when you were the cause of it in the first place?"

"I...I don't know," she wept. "I didn't realize what you were going through. I thought you'd be curious and a little ticked...I...I'm sorry, Ken. I'm just so sorry."

"Okay," the doctor spoke up. "Emotions are running a little high, let's take a break and try to calm down a little. Mr. Ryan, I want you to analyze what Mrs. Ryan said. Does it make sense to you? If not, why? Do you have more questions?

Ken had listened to her every word; knowing his wife like he did, somehow it actually did made sense to him. If it was true then she wasn't trying to make a fool out of him, but he still had trust issues, those he would deal with a little later, for now he just sat back and took everything in.

"Please believe me, honey," she said looking at him, "I was trying to minimize your hurt as much as possible and I was sure I could make it up to you as soon as I got home...of course that didn't work out like I thought it would," she said putting her head down again.

The doctor stopped her there and turned to Ken asking him to explain the pain he felt that weekend. As he spoke about all the tortuous emotions he had gone through, Jen cried harder and kept apologizing. When it was her turn to talk again, both Ken and Dr. Holdstrome could see and hear the sincerity in her voice. There was nothing phony about her remorse; that was obvious.

The doctor was good at his profession; he kept them on track and gave both patients ample time to express themselves. Ken waited until the session was nearly at an end before springing his trap.

"Jen, at least I understand your motives better now but even if we got back together there is one thing that would still be missing from our lives...kids. I know how devastated you were when our baby died, I was too. But even though the doctor said there was no reason to believe it would happen again, you won't even discuss trying again. Jen, I want children. If we stayed together I want to try again."

There it was, the moment of truth. Her reaction to his last statement would determine their future. The way he figured it, she got pregnant the last time they made love, that was not quite five weeks ago. A first baby is rarely on time anyway. Would she think she could fudge the time-line at the end of her pregnancy? Will she try to deceive him and agree to get pregnant then get him into bed as quickly as possible, or will she be honest with him? She had no idea how important her next statement would be.

She was twisting the dirty tissue between her fingers. If she told him, she would always wonder if he took her back out of love or out of a feeling of duty. Well, she thought, I guess I'll never know for sure.

"Ken, I...I have something to tell you. I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to use it as a way of getting us back together, but...I...I'm already pregnant. Oh, Ken, she cried, "I'm so scared. If I lose this one, I...I don't think I can take it, I can't take losing another baby."

For the last hour, Ken had been sitting with his heart in his throat. To take her back he had to be able to trust her again. Her confession was certainly a step in the right direction.

Ken rose from his chair, walked over, and put his arms around the sobbing form of his wife. He still wasn't one hundred percent sure what he was going to do yet, but he wasn't heartless either. He tried to calm her by gently rubbing her shoulder and speaking in a soft voice.

"Take it easy, Jen. There's no reason at all not to believe this baby will be born strong and healthy."

"That's true, Mrs. Ryan," interjected the doctor. "A lot of women have miscarriages during their first pregnancy then go on to have many more with no problem."

"I know," she said still sobbing, "but I'm scared, I'm just so scared."

The doctor got her another cup of water while Ken continued rubbing her shoulder and speaking in a calm, soothing voice. The allotted time for the session had already gone over but both Ken and Jennifer were doing so well that Dr. Holdstrome didn't want to stop them. Now, however, it was time to end it. He confirmed the date and time of their next session the following week and they left his office together.

As much as he wanted to bring her home with him, Ken still had a couple of unresolved issues and wanted to go over the things that were said in the doctor's office. She was still trying to get control of herself as she walked toward her car when Ken told her he wasn't about to let her drive in her condition. He insisted on taking her to Jack and Marge's. He walked her inside and made sure she was okay then asked Jack to ride back with him to get her car. It had been a tiring and emotional day, Ken was wiped out by the time his head hit the pillow.