The Great Escape

"Okay, I hear you. But one thing. If I promise to tell the truth, to answer any question you ask, will you at least sit here until we finish... until I finish, telling you my story and begging your forgiveness? I'm afraid you might jump up and 'escape' again." She held up two fingers in the quote sign.

"You know, I'm tempted to say fuck you, no conditions. But, based on my view of our thirty years together, which may be totally inaccurate, I'll agree to listen to you. Now, first question, how many other men since we've been married?"

"Two, but no, no, wait." She could almost see smoke starting to come out of Tim's head. "The first time, okay maybe I shouldn't have done it, but because of it we stayed married. Please, please, just listen to my story, okay? I know, the affair last winter was a horrible thing to do to you, to us, to our family, and I will regret it 'til I die. But the first time, it truly was very different. Will you listen?" Tim nodded, just barely, but enough for Cora to continue.

"About a month after our wedding, I realized I didn't want to be married. It wasn't you. You were great. It was the whole idea of being married, of being in a rut that was going to last the rest of my life. And I panicked. You've never known this, but I actually started an application to join the Peace Corps.

"I remember the day I met with the Peace Corps representative. She pitched how great an experience it was, how much it expanded her horizons, made her a better person, and on and on. Anyway, instead of going home after that meeting, I went to a bar, really just to drink and think about my future. But I ended up letting myself get picked up by a guy. I remember telling myself this could be my future: free to join the Peace Corps or free to do anything else, including free to have sex with some stranger I met in a bar.

"Well, we did have sex. We went to his hotel, and had sex, nothing special, just sex. I fell asleep afterward, just for a few minutes, I think. When I woke up, I looked at this guy. He was snoring, with his mouth open. I don't want to make him sound worse than he was, but looking at him I realized I was starting down a horrible path. I was about to leave a man I really did love, for what?

"Tim, I called my sister. You may remember that she had been married about two years when we got married. Anyway, I told her what I had done and why, that I was so scared of being married. She didn't laugh then, but she told me much later that it was kind of funny. She told me that every newlywed has the post-wedding jitters, but most don't take it to the extreme that I did. She totally convinced me to go home and not to share any of this with you. I mean, how could you ever accept a wife who cheats a month after the wedding?"

"Cora, how do I accept a wife who cheats thirty years after the wedding? It's still cheating."

"It is, Tim, and like I said, I'll regret it until I die. But that first time, almost thirty years ago, was different. And today, I could have skipped over it. You would never know, and telling you about it just makes me look even worse. And please remember, after that, for almost thirty years, I was faithful, we raised two beautiful daughters, and we did it together. And Tim, for those thirty years I have loved you with my whole heart, and I still do, even though I fucked up and cheated."

"How do you do that? I mean, how do you love someone and then cheat on them?"

"Oh, Tim, if I knew the answer, I could make a million dollars on talk shows and call-in radio. I'm not making any excuses for me, but people cheat. Wives cheat, husbands cheat, well, maybe you don't, but.... Wait, Tim, what the fuck? Why are you looking like that?" Tim would have sworn his face didn't give anything away, but that thirty years together might have tripped him up.

"Cora, what d'yu mean, 'what the fuck?' Fuck you. I never cheated in all our years together." Pretty good lawyerly answer, Tim thought, especially as quickly as I came up with it. Literally true, but certainly not an accurate answer to her question: the essence of being a good lawyer.

"Oookay, Tim, I hear you. Even if you were a cheater, that wouldn't excuse what I did with Mark Hanson."

"You mean asshole, don't you?"

"Tim, please. His name is Mark, and calling him names doesn't help our situation."

"Actually, it does, Cora. Calling him by his actual name makes him a person. Referring to him by an insulting term belittles him, makes him less of a person. I think you can understand that's important to your offended husband." Cora had to think about that. She knew Tim was smarter than she was, at least in a theoretical, test-taking sort of way. She thought she was smarter in a street-smart sort of way, and she needed to rely on that kind of smart if she was going to win him back.

"Okay, about this? You refer to him as asshole or whatever, and I refer to him as Mark."

"Cora, we're getting off point here. Call him what you want but understand you're not getting any points calling him Mark or sweetheart or dear or anything that makes me think you still have feelings for him." Okay, Cora thought, points to Tim.

"You win, Tim, asshole it is. And back to your earlier question, and the same question I have for myself. Why did I cheat? I could say for the excitement, I could try to blame you for some failing, I could blame the alignment of the stars and moon. But none of that's really it. When I met Mark, um, wait, I mean asshole, anyway.... Stop smirking, Tim, it doesn't become you." Cora took a deep breath and continued.

"When I met asshole, last September, he was new to the hospital and making rounds, meeting nurses and other doctors. I shook his hand, just that, just shook his hand. Tim, I am so embarrassed to say, I mean totally embarrassed, but I knew, right then, that we were going to have sex. I'm not making excuses, I could have ignored whatever chemistry, whatever spark jumped between us. I mean, I know I have free will, I didn't have to give in. But, to my shame today, I did.

"Tim, I was like another person who met him at his apartment. Again, I'm not making an excuse, I'm just describing how I felt. He's married too, and I truly believe he had no plan to cheat on his wife until that chemistry or bad magic or whatever struck us." Cora looked pleadingly at Tim, not knowing what else to say. But Tim certainly wasn't finished.

"So you met in September. February, when you got caught, was five months later and you were still cheating and lying about your fucking committee meetings. Hah, they were fucking committee meetings, weren't they? Just a fucking committee of two. Are you two still seeing each other?

"Oh god no, Tim, not since you left. I mean, he's still at the hospital, but I haven't seen him outside the surgical suite, and there only on a very professional basis."

"So who tipped me off? Who sent me the CD and the lovely picture of you and...." Tim couldn't finish his question. He still got almost physically sick when he thought about Cora with asshole's dick in her mouth.

"Tim, please, I know I keep saying I'm sorry, and I am. I'll go take my clothes off and jump in the water again if it would help."

"Ahh, Cora, you've just destroyed me. You keep talking as if this cheating of yours is something we can just talk about and get past. I don't think so."

They sat there a while, both sad that thirty years of marriage were drifting away. The restaurant lunch crowd had emptied out; the people left were mainly at the bar, drinking away the afternoon. Another bad thought occurred to Tim.

"How many other people know about this? Has asshole's wife been in touch with you? Maybe to meet you in a dark alley and beat the shit out of you.

"Um, Tim, I don't think people really do that, not in real life I mean. That's more for reality TV and movies. And nobody knows about it, except.... Wait, people do know about it. I meant nobody at the hospital knows about it."

"So we know about it, obviously. Asshole and his wife know about it, our girls know about it. Your sister?"

"No, I didn't share with Carol. I was afraid of what she would say to me. But, uh, there is somebody else. Didn't you wonder how I found you? I hired a private investigator company, actually a husband and wife. And they did find you for me. And, Tim, sweetheart, we can work this out. I know we can."

"Cora, I think we're just torturing each other. Like my next question. Totally a guy kind of question. Was asshole bigger than me? Better in bed than I am? Did you two do anything that we haven't done?" Cora turned pale at those questions, and Tim certainly noticed. She called out to the waitress for another glass of wine, trying to give herself a little time to formulate an answer that would be truthful but still keep at least a shred of hope alive for their marriage.

"Tim, Jesus, you're right. Those are stupid guy questions. And they don't make a bit of difference to us, to you and me I mean, sitting here trying to figure out a way to stay married."

"So the answers are yes, he's bigger and better in bed than I am, and you two did stuff we never did. He probably fucked you in your cheating ass and got somebody else to join you so you could have a threesome. And god knows what else you did. And, you can't even answer my questions like you said you would. I'm done here." He pushed away from the table and went to the bar, found the waitress and paid the bill. He was walking out of the restaurant when Cora caught up to him.

"Tim, wait, just wait. I said I would answer your questions, and I will. Those last questions just took me by surprise, and I admit I dodged answering them. But that doesn't mean I won't. Can we sit on your boat for a little privacy, and I'll answer your questions."

Tim had not stopped walking toward the dock as Cora was talking, and she had to almost run to keep up with him. At the dock he snarled at Bobby to cast him off and he stepped on board. Finally, he turned to Cora.

"You can ride with me for now, but I don't want to hear anything more from your cheating, lying mouth today, got it?"

"Yes sir," Cora said, with total meekness this time, far down in the hole she had dug. Poor Bobby just stared; at least he would have an interesting story to tell his girlfriend.

Chapter Twelve: Cora and Tim travel together.

Tim motored out into the channel and headed further south on the Waterway. He was running a bit late, but still had time to get to the marina where he had reservations for the night. His head hurt, he hated his wife, he.... No, that wasn't quite true, he corrected himself. He hated what she had done and that, the cheating for five fucking months, had destroyed their marriage. How could she think she could ever make it up to him? He did have to play lawyer with himself a bit. Technically, he had cheated with Lucinda, but only after Cora had destroyed their marriage, so it totally wasn't the same thing. He would get some evil joy out of telling Cora about Lucinda. But that had to be in the future, after he and Cora had reached closure on their marriage.

That evening, just at dusk, he pulled into a marina in Coral Gables. His plan was to get to Key Largo the next day, no hurry, and then on to Key West the following day. But what to do with Cora? She did say she would answer the rest of his questions, which, he thought, would probably dig her deeper into the hole she had started digging for herself. After he secured the boat, he turned to Cora, who had not said a word, hadn't' even moved on the way down the Waterway.

"Cora, I'm headed to Key West, should be there day after tomorrow. You can stay on board until then. I'll even fix dinner for both of us tonight. Then, after dinner, you answer those questions that you dodged at lunch. Deal?"

Cora looked at him. He saw a beaten woman, caused by her, he reminded himself, but beaten nonetheless. She just nodded, then asked him if it was okay if she went for a walk, to be by herself for a few minutes. He said okay, and she stumbled off the boat, walking like a woman ten years older than the woman who surprised him onboard earlier that day.

Tim fixed a simple dinner, pasta with prosciutto and a salad, and he opened a bottle of red wine. He needed a glass, and he figured Cora did too. He was waiting for her, drinking a glass of the wine, when she returned. She looked a little better. She sat down, thanked him for the wine and for fixing dinner. They ate in silence, and he cleaned up while she sat at the table. When he sat down again, ready to hear her answers, she held up her hand, like a stop sign.

"Tim, earlier today, I truly thought we had a chance. After my jumping in the water and then having sex with you, good sex, you know it was, for both of us, and then we actually fell asleep together. And you were holding me, holding me in your arms, and that felt so incredibly good. I really thought we had a chance. But then, in the restaurant, the more I talked, the more I told you about my stupid, stupid affair, the angrier you got. And I get it, you deserve to be angry. I deserve for you to divorce my cheating ass and never speak to me again.

"Answering your questions just made things worse, so I'm done. My talking just makes things worse, so I'm shutting down. If you want me off the boat in Key West, okay, I'll leave. And you can file divorce papers whenever you want to. While we're on the boat together, I'll be polite and not get in your way, and I'll sleep in the aft cabin."

"You bitch, you sanctimonious, self-serving, pig of a bitch," Tim yelled at her. Cora looked at him in astonishment. She was trying not to hurt him more and he sounded more offended than ever.

"What, Tim, what? I'm trying not to hurt you more."

"Cora, listen to yourself. For hours in the restaurant today, you spun this story about how you felt like you were a separate person, you couldn't help yourself, some magic controlled you and asshole. And somehow your story is supposed to make things better between us. Well, I call bullshit on that, total and utter bullshit. When it gets time for tough questions, and answers you don't want to face, you chicken out. You give up and bail out. Well fuck you, go ahead and leave, right now if you want to. You can get a cab back to an airport and fly back to Albany and your precious asshole." He was breathing hard and wishing he had a martini instead of a glass of wine.

"Jesus, Tim, I don't know what to say. I think we're both saying our marriage is over. That makes me sad, and angry at myself for betraying us. But I guess I'm also angry at you, for giving up, for not trying to help us find a way past my stupidity. You want answers, okay answers you get.

"Is Mark bigger than you? And yes, I'm going to call him Mark. He's a human being, and it doesn't hurt you for me to refer to him by his name. And that question, it's such a stupid question. Women don't measure. We just don't. Maybe he was a little bigger than you, but just as likely, he was a little smaller than you. Stupid question.

"Better question: was he better in bed than you? When I said I was a different person with Mark, I really was, and that made the sex different. Think about sex between us, between you and me I mean. When we go to bed together to have sex, we're not alone. Our families are there, our daughters are there, our jobs are there, the next day's chores are there. Of course, I don't mean literally, but all those people and things are baggage that we carry into bed with us. With Mark, it was different. No baggage. We were unencumbered by anything outside the bedroom where we had sex. And, Tim, I don't say this to hurt you. Please understand that. But that kind of sex, no baggage, no encumbrances, is better than a lot of the sex you and I were having. I can say all that now, not because I went into an affair thinking of having sex with no baggage, but because I just figured it out. If I had known, if I was smart enough to see where that kind of sex would lead, I would have said no. And I would have come to you, and talked to you, and tried to figure out a way for us to have that kind of sex." Tears were falling from Cora's eyes as she finished her long answer. She knew her marriage was over. She loved Tim, and she knew he still loved her, but she also knew that she had betrayed that love and saw no way of recovering it.

"Cora, look at me," Tim finally responded. She raised her head, wiping her tears, and looked at him. "I think that is the most truthful thing you have said all day. And I agree with a lot of what you said. We could have tried to have a better sex life, unencumbered, like you said. I think, if either of us had spoken up and said, 'let's do better,' we would have. And maybe you wouldn't have cheated. But I failed, and you failed, and that failure didn't give either of us the right to cheat."

"I know, and I keep saying it, I'm just so sorry."

"Cora, one more tough question and answer."

"Whatever, at this point, I'll tell you anything you want to know."

"Unencumbered sex also means unencumbered by the habits of having sex with the same person for thirty years. I know you did things that you and I have not done. I could tell by your reaction in the restaurant when I asked that question. What's the answer?"

"Tim, do you really want to know? I mean, different couples have different sex habits. If we divorce, you'll find someone else, and your sex life with that person will be different than your sex life with me. Not better or worse, just different. Can't we leave it at that?"

"A threesome?"

"Ahh Jesus, Tim, no. No threesomes. I will tell you that Mark often massaged me, something you almost never did, and certainly haven't done in years. Our bodies were new to each other, so there was a lot of exploring, and massaging was a way to do that."

"What else?"

"What are you looking for? Whips and chains? Bondage?" Cora was trying her best to avoid what she knew Tim was getting at.

"Just tell me, Cora. To me you said no to anal sex, and you were absolute about it. It's painful and unsanitary and you just didn't like it, you said. Or at least you said to me. What did you say to asshole?" She could tell Tim was losing whatever calm had earlier.

"What can I say? If I say no, you'll accuse me of lying. If I say yes, that will make you even angrier. So, I lose either way." A thought came to her. The anal sex with Mark hadn't been that bad, not her favorite way to have sex, but not bad. "How about this? If you want to fuck me in my ass, then I will say yes. I don't think this marriage has a future, but I still want to sleep with you. If the price of that is a little pain in my butt, then I say yes."

Tim didn't know how to respond to that. "It's late, let's go to bed. I can't do anymore of this tonight." No hugs, no goodnight kisses, each of them to their cabin, and maybe some sleep.

Chapter Thirteen: Cora and Tim in the Florida Keys.

Tim had forgotten to close the curtains in the main cabin that night. The next morning, the sun woke him up before he was ready. He didn't want to get up, he felt horrible after yesterday, the wine had soured his stomach, today looked to be a repeat of yesterday, with Cora on board, or maybe even worse. He pushed himself out of bed, got dressed to go running, telling himself a run would make him feel better. It didn't. After a run that just made him feel worse, he stumbled back aboard, found Cora was fixing breakfast: bacon and eggs. Really healthy, he groused to himself, just loaded with cholesterol.

"Good morning, Tim. I'll have breakfast ready in just a minute, if you want to shower before you sit down." He did take a quick shower, didn't make him feel any better. He sat down, looked at the breakfast, totally unappetizing. Wow, he finally admitted to himself, I'm in an absolutely foul mood.