The Groomsman's Affairs Ch. 05-08

"As for Vicky, I had no idea that she was that attached to me. I've got no ... way to read women, you know. If I can't even tell that my twin digs me, what hope is there to interpret hints from other ladies, including Cassidy, Kara, and Sofia ... right? So ... yeah, maybe it's best that I stick with them ... because that's extraordinary luck for a guy with no game," I blushed a bit.

"It's not a lack of intuition ... it's a habit of missing the signs because you think like many guys, especially ones who weren't popular in high school. The thing is also that you didn't trade on your wealth and status, which I respect. If you had, I guarantee you, the popular girls would have swarmed you. This path was harder for you, but you were rewarded with the kind of girls who give a damn about you for yourself.

"You know that you earned your way through life more than other rich kids. An unfortunate side effect is that it has hurt your confidence to an extent, though I think that the Army rebuilt some of that. Just not enough yet to catch onto signals from your sisters, anyway. It's also made you a little more jaded about women, which I understand. I haven't helped by being so conventional, I guess, in some of my advice. It's hard to break free sometimes from my Congregationalist roots," Mom related to me.

"Weed and rum help you break free at least a little, though," I teased her, making her blush now as Wayne drove us to the Omeleteer, a breakfast-heavy diner with a strong nostalgic feel to it.

"It certainly makes me hungrier!" Mom laughed as she replied and noticed how each girl showered me with affection, "damn, these girls all have it bad for you, my son!"

"Well, it's like Vic told the lesbian waitress at Applebee's, a former classmate on whom he once had a crush, 'what's not to love.' You remember Shelby, right?" Vicky broke her silence now.

"She's gay? Wow! Talk about subverting expectations! But, yeah, I remember her ... she was so bubbly and cute ... she probably had a dozen guys drooling over her every second. Certainly had them nice and stiff between the legs! So, she's still like that, but probably gushing, quite literally, over some butch type, am I right? She's a very girly girl, very 'femme,' I think, is the term," Mom reacted with true astonishment now.

"Well, she's engaged to Cameron, who's more tomboy than butch or dull dyke, but yeah. She showed me her engagement ring, too. It's cubic zirconium, yes, but on the higher end and is at least conflict-free. You can be sure of that much, if nothing else. That literature that Arnold showed me on conflict diamonds ... yikes! I don't know if I'll be able to set foot inside a jeweler's quite the same ever again.

"Anyway, Cameron even popped the question in true, old-school fashion, down on one knee and all that jazz. It's not my thing, but if you want that, being Sapphic shouldn't disqualify you from it. A lesbian can still be treated as a lady by ... well, her lady, if that's what both of them want. In any case, it was quite the fine rock for a fake diamond," I indulged in a little gossip, a guilty pleasure for a supposedly straight guy (but what if I was bi?).

"Yeah, you're bi ... you've got these obvious masculine, hetero things that scream out at first notice, but then you start gossiping like a drag queen and it's pretty clear that you have that other side to you. You must have hidden that very well in basic, though," Mike asserted.

"In the Army in general, yes, despite the end of 'don't ask, don't tell.' Being too feminine, whatever your sexual orientation, is not something that is encouraged by Uncle Sam when you need to bury your feelings deep and soldier on. It comes out at the weirdest times, anyway," I was now beet-red and a little flustered.

"He's still quite manly enough for me, Mrs. Chung," Sofia reassured Mom.

"Please ... call me 'Mom.' You're marrying my son. That pretty much makes you family, well ahead of any nuptials. Little advice, though. Don't make him apologize for everything, even if he's right, as so many wives do. Men hate that and it builds resentment that seethes for years until it finally implodes the marriage. They might cave at first, but it will ultimately come back to bite you in the ass. Trust me, I know. It was no small factor in the failure of my first marriage," Mom counseled Sofia, who looked at me and winked.

"She's already working on her charm offensive, Mom. I don't see the need to worry about Sofia," Cassidy snickered.

"Well, as they say, you catch more flies with honey," Kara pointed out.

"Indeed ... you do ... and I'm just a hungry spider spinning my web, lining it with honey traps everywhere," Sofia teased us now.

"Honey trap number one," Kara pointed to herself.

"Honey trap number two," Vicky giggled.

"Honey trap number three!" Cassidy blurted with delight.

"In answer to the fidelity question, let's table that until later ... I'm not entirely sure about the reproduction side of sex. I'm toying with getting pregnant already so that there can't be any risk of deformities, you know. I'm the only one here who if they got knocked up by Vic would be in danger of ... bad genetic consequences. I'd suggest sleeping with Wayne, but that's basically incest now in his mind, so that wouldn't work," Vicky worried aloud.

"Well, what about Ram?" Kara spoke now.

"Ramesh Kumar, the MIT student and movie usher? That guy? Let me guess ... let him lose his virginity with Vicky, knock her up, sow a few wild oats, and then move on to Charlie? That way he doesn't resent her experience due to lacking any of his own," I asked Kara to clarify.

"That's the idea, yes. I texted Charlie earlier and explained the situation and she was very curious and interested. She was also concerned that a virgin might be more jealous due to her having been with her share of men. So ... this could kill two birds with one stone. And then, once Vicky has been ... intimate enough with Ram to get the job done, both of them could part ways and he could move onto Charlie while the five of us stick to the group. Mostly, I think," Kara licked her lips at such a proposal.

"Monogamously or something else?" Vicky perked her head up, being rather curious.

"Monogamish, I think. After all, you're gonna want more than one kid ... and Charlie's having some doubts now that she could entirely keep her hands off Scott in the future. It's more about the ... romance of it, the nostalgia of an ex. Sentiment as well as lust. Basically, she's suggesting that they each ... get ... hall passes for selected others. She didn't specifically think of our Vicky, because she doesn't know our situation, but I think that it would fit ... assuming that Ram and her hit it off, of course. It would mean that Vicky would need a hall pass, too, though ... for Ram, that is," Kara proposed.

"That ... is actually a very good plan, assuming that every piece of the puzzle fits neatly into the jigsaw, of course. Charlie and Ram would have to click ... Scott and his future significant others would have to be open to it, and Vicky and Ram would have to be at least somewhat ... into each other in bed. Unfortunately, there are no warranties to life and no 'money-back guarantees.'

"They could do some dates ... and I would love for Vicky to take Ram's cherry in any case, if you're all cool with that ... but from that, who knows if Charlie and Ram could really work out. Charlie and Ram could just have a fling and then she reconciles with Scott. That's not exactly been unknown to happen. We should prepare for all contingencies. Matchmaking's always a dicey business," I observed.

"That it is. A matchmaker paired me with Mike, but another one got me with your father. That's a mixed record, though I don't regret either marriage. I learned some valuable life lessons from my first marriage ... and I got two wonderful twins to boot," Mom asserted as we pulled into the Omeleteer parking lot.

"Of course, said matchmaker supposedly just set me up to be your lawyer, but I think that we both know that Bonnie had something up her sleeve. She was a one-time fling and colleague, after all. If we couldn't make it work for us, at least she could find someone right for me and get me some billable hours into the bargain. But, no ... we never touched that way until well, you know. In the meantime, Bonnie and I kinda resumed our tryst for a short-lived affair," Mike admitted aloud.

"Yeah, I kinda knew that. She was sweet and all, but she had a hard time keeping her paws off you ... until we got hitched, of course. Sorry, Mike, I knew about your two or three lapses, but it's all cool now. We weren't married yet, you were unsure if I would go through with it, and poor Bonnie really did throw herself at you. I think that part of her hoped that we'd become some kind of ... menage a trois, a vee with you as the pivot partner, but it never quite happened that way.

"And no, I didn't revenge cheat on you ... I just milked your guilt for more and nicer gifts for Christmas and Valentine's. Besides, even as jealous as I got, it was a nice reminder of what a catch I snatched for myself. And she was the one who set us up in the first place, so I owed her ... and so did you," Mom confessed now, winking at Mike as we walked inside.

"Damn, you're the best fucking wife in the world!" Mike blurted in response to this news.

"And don't you forget it!" Mom winked at him again, "but you're no slouch in the husband department, either. I got no complaints, other than your tendency to get me high and cause me to get a bit freaky in bed."

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Mike retorted.

"It is ... deliciously bad!" Mom giggled, even though I involuntarily cringed and so did Vicky.

I know, I know ... banging my sister is one thing, but hearing what my mother got up to in the sack is something else ... hypocrisy, right? Inconsistency and cognitive dissonance, if nothing else. So sue me! Okay, I know, I'm also screwing my stepsisters and a pregnant cutie of a Eurotrash exchange student, but so what? I still don't want to hear about Mom getting laid ... fucking weird, man!

It was a good thing that they stopped to order, so I still had an appetite. Looking at Jennifer Goodhead as she walked in to greet Wayne and join us for lunch ... I wasn't sure how long that would last. Hiding this secret from her definitely made me nervous and that was almost certain to put me off food if it got bad enough.

And I really, really, really didn't want to waste brunch ... would you?

Holding hands with my four ladies ... well, it helped, as did what followed brunch ... in bed. But that's another story.

Chapter 8

"So, next Sunday, a week from today ... is a very special Sunday indeed ... care to guess what?" I asked Jennifer, testing her knowledge.

The others were trying desperately to keep straight faces, from Wayne to Mike to Cassidy to Mom to Vicky to Sofia to Kara, to the waitress, whose name was Becca (according to her nametag or name plate or whatever). Jennifer gave me this dumbfounded look, entirely confused and annoyed that a mere peasant like me dared to speak to her (funny that, given that my family's standing was actually higher than hers). I wasn't sure how that stick got stuck up her ass, but it had clearly caused her not to notice that her shit stank.

Finally, poor Becca couldn't hold out any longer and blurted, "Mother's Day, hello?"

"I'm not a mother and I don't plan to be anytime soon, if ever, so why would I care about people who've made life choices like breeding? If I ever do become a mother, I'll make damn sure that it's only to carry on the family line ... and then I won't let it get in the way of living my damn life! Do you know what my mother taught me? She taught me to look out for number one, that's what!

"Nowadays, you have one baby, you make sure someone pampers you the whole way through, you get your prenatal vitamins, you take it easy otherwise, you get an epidural or a C-section or whatever, and then you get your tubes tied immediately afterward ... and you hand the brat off to a nanny or governess for the rest of their life. Doesn't sound that hard to me ... just a huge waste of money and time, that's all.

"I'll be damned if I ever breastfeed, either. Bottles and formula are quite good enough for the little tyke, and it's off to boarding school as soon as I can get away with it. If I do it, I'll make damn sure that the man pays the bill as much as I can make him ... and then get custody in the divorce so that he can pay me child support as well as alimony," Jennifer scoffed now, causing Mom and Sofia ... and Becca to roll their eyes.

"Excuse me," Wayne looked physically ill all of the sudden, as did Cassidy, "go home, Jennifer. Do yourself ... and the world ... a HUGE favor ... and get that tubal NOW! Women like you should NOT breed at all! Damn, I knew that we were gonna break up sooner or later, but holy smokes, wow ... just wow! My mother is DEAD, you stupid cunt! She died when I was six. This woman here is the closest thing to a mother that I've had since I was that age ... and I've only known her for four years! And God knows how patient she has been with me and how kind to my sister here, who doesn't even remember our birth mom well! Do not speak of her ... or of my mother, Sheila Chung, or any other mother that way, you snooty bitch! Get the fuck out of my sight!"

"Becca, cancel her order before you even try to take it. I don't want to sit with this young lady, either on a date with my son or whatever! She is ... not the sort of woman my son wants or should want for himself. Jennifer, do as my son asks ... leave now ... leave us alone. Ghost him. Ghost us. Or we'll ghost you. Either way, it's over before it really started! Wayne, you ever take her back and I'll disown you!" Mike snapped now, livid at how Jennifer spoke about either of his wives, deceased as well as current.

"And another one bites the dust, huh?" Becca laughed in spite of herself, "sorry, speaking as a single mom, I couldn't help but laugh at how much foot she crammed into her mouth. My deep, if every belated condolences to you on the death of your mother, Wayne. And you, Cassidy. That must be gut-wrenching at times. For me, it was my Daddy. Dropped dead of a heart attack at fifty, just ten years ago. Worked his can off to provide for his family ... and it killed him in the process. I was the baby of the family. I'm only thirty, so yes, I was just twenty back then and I miss him terribly, even now!"

Becca wiped her face with a handkerchief that Mom handed her and got right back to work like a trooper, leaving all of us stunned at the depth of her and the completely shallow attitude of Jennifer. Talk about your contrasts, right? Damn, I thought ... if I didn't have my hands full, but she probably wouldn't want to be part of a harem ... I was extremely lucky that my four did. It helped that they were all already close enough to me and trusted me, bonded with me in one way or another.

Becca gave us five-star service, of course, and we made a point to engage her regularly in chitchat, particularly Wayne, who seemed impressed by her. I grinned as I thought of a guy who had been kinda shallow himself like my stepbrother ... showing an interest in a thirty-year old single mom like Becca. Instant Daddy time, I thought ... he's gonna marry this girl. I can just tell. He's gonna lay on the charm, be the best version of himself, and date a waitress, my own stepbrother, who used to look down on anyone in the service sector of the economy.

"Wayne, honey ... thank you for standing up for me ... and all of the moms out there. It means a lot to me. But ... I can't help but notice that you've ... noticed Becca. Are you ... sweet on her?" Mom asked Wayne a little bit later, when Becca was supposedly out of earshot.

"Well, yeah ... she's ... such a real ... woman ... such a serious change from what I've dated. I know that I've been snooty, snobby, shallow, etc. But yeah, I've been thinking about that kind of thing and, well ... Sofia's in a service job ... and she's got character ... same thing with Becca. God knows how many times they've had to deal with chumps like me, and bitches like Jennifer, who think that we only fart flowery scents.

"I really feel like a heel now ... it took the contrast in attitudes over motherhood to bring it home to me, but it worked. I've been a real cunt, but not anymore. I took you for granted, that's for sure, but you've been awesome, especially to my baby sister. No more of that crap ... Mom," Wayne smiled at Mom, who blushed and hugged him really tight.

"It's a Kodak moment!" Mike teased them, but embraced Wayne as well.

Becca came out right then and I could just tell that she had overheard Wayne's praise. Her eyes were rather misty, to put it mildly, and she slipped a napkin to him with her phone number, probably on a hunch. It read, "I heard what you said about me. Call me. Becca Chavez. 555-3646."

"Someone's got a date coming!" Vicky teased our brother now (he WAS a brother now, wasn't he, blood or not).

"Yep, Wayne and Becca, sitting in a tree, K I S S I N G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage!" Kara winked at Wayne after singing that chorus.

"Is my big brother having the jones for a mamacita?" Cassidy needled Wayne as well, making him get a little flustered now.

"Half-mamacita, actually, not that I mind being called that. I am a mommy, so it's literally true," Becca interjected with a playful smile, "and I can't promise anything but this ... I'll get Tia Nina to watch the little wildcat for the evening. She wants to see me married at last, too ... have me pop out more rugrats, you know."

"Yep, she wants her some of my big brother! Here comes the bride... , " Cassidy added more teasing to the scene, making Becca turn scarlett right then.

"All dressed in white," Vicky recalled that part of the verse.

"Where is the groom, he's in the dressing room," Sofia laughed at that line.

"Why is he there ... he's pissed his underwear!" Kara blurted, making me spew my drink on my shirt.

"Yeah, well, if that happens, just bring another change of boxers, just in case," Becca went along with the joke, "a few Dude wipes and he's good to go."

"Or he could just put on your panties," Vicky snickered.

"Well, it's not like I'd be wearing them much longer, is it?" Becca asked while swaying her hips just a little too much en route back to the kitchen.

"Damn, that one's a keeper, Wayne!" I told my stepbrother, "and I promise not to meddle with her. I couldn't make the same promise with Jennifer, because she was gonna cheat, anyway."

"And leave," Wayne agreed.

"Yep. And this one's really, really into you, Wayne! Big time! She must like Asian preppies a lot," Cassidy gave her two cents.

"Yep, no kidding!" Mom declared, "yeah, Wayne ... grab this one with both hands and hold on for dear life. She's a winner."

"Well, you know women better than me," Mike chuckled, "but I tend to agree, anyway. She's a catch, that one. Don't let her get away!"

"Right on with that! Even has a bawdy sense of humor! A girl after my own heart!" Kara licked her lips, "if she swung that way, I'd ask for a hall pass!"

"Me, too!" Vicky bit her bottom lip due to her attraction to Becca.

The not-so-subtle message from Wayne, though, was hands-off (at least for now). This one's mine. He might or might not try cuckold, Stag/vixen, hotwife or other forms sharing later, but for now ... he wanted Becca all to himself. I didn't know that a man could fall in love that fast, but Wayne was in rapid freefall now. One brunch with the family and her as the waitress and he was smitten.

Coup de foudre. The thunderclap. Head over heels in just under an hour. The boy works faster than I thought, since it was clearly mutual. I had better get ready to become an uncle. Wayne, the former snob, went from the trophy boyfriend of a rich, selfish, and entitled prima donna to the almost certain intended bridegroom of a waitress in a breakfast diner. Despite her lower class status, Wayne had in my view absolutely traded up.