The Heart Wants What It Wants

"Take off my clothes. Make me naked, Julian. Then put it in me and do it, but start out easy. I'm still a virgin," she said.

"Me, too," I said quietly.

It was probably too dark for her to see me blushing, but I could see her eyes glazed over with lust before a look of surprise appeared on her face.

"Really. I would have thought that a handsome guy like you..."

"I've been waiting on the right girl," I interrupted.

"And that's me, despite what you know?" she asked.

"Well, you're here," I said, smiling brightly, my heart thumping in my chest.

"Yeah. Now kiss me, and then go slow," she said.

Neither one of us thought of foreplay. She was wet... and hot as I slid inside oh so slowly. I encountered what I guessed to be her hymen, stopped briefly, then pushed a bit harder as she murmured, "Easy, please."

I broke through whatever was stopping me and kept pushing forward as she gave a small painful cry, then started a low moaning. I had read with skepticism that some women's pussies feel like liquid velvet; I'm here to confirm that is true. I gently bumped into something just as I sheathed my entire dick, and the two of us just looked into each other's eyes.

"Kiss me some more... and go slow," she whispered.

I crushed my lips to her softer ones and started to gently move in and out. We continued kissing and making love on the greatest night of my life. She moaned into my mouth several times.

And then... my body exploded from my dick as I shot what felt like a gallon of cum into her pussy in several hard shots, her pussy suddenly grabbing my throbbing member and squeezing several times as her body started spasming similar to mine. I'm pretty sure the low roaring was mine and the high-pitched keening was hers.

I have no idea how long we were making love or how long our orgasms went on. I do know I regained clear thought some minutes later as the two of us were lying on the seat, my body half on top of hers and we were both panting.

It was several minutes before either one of us spoke.

"Wow. Fuck. Wow," I murmured.

"Yeah, right," she replied.

"What was that?" I asked.

Silence reigned supreme for several long minutes, interrupted only by the sounds of us kissing occasionally.

"What if I'm wrong, Julian? What if I'm not lesbian? How would I find out unless I tried the road not taken," she said.

"Either way, I wanted you to be the first. You're my best friend. You've been my best friend forever. I can't imagine a time when you won't be my best friend. Thank you," she added, not having elaborate to me.

I grinned in return.

We went to college in the same state, about an hour apart, and once out of sight of prying eyes, Cat finally felt free to be herself and openly dated other women, from what she told me. She showed me photos of several of her dates, and I had to admit to her that she had excellent taste in women. I joked with her that I should have her find me some women that weren't gay because she had such good taste.

"Don't be so lame. Find your own hot women, Romeo," she said.

We talked at least a couple of times each week. Usually it was just friend stuff, occasionally we would get down to topics of a more personal nature. We could both ask each other sex questions that we couldn't have asked of anyone else. It was sort of like being able to get "insider" information.

We also could be real with each other. While I understood that college was the first time Cat could really be part of the gay experience, I didn't want her to go completely off the deep end and get in over her head. I didn't want her to become a slut, even if she was playing for the other team. I cared too much for her to see that happen.

"Be careful, Cat. Keep your eyes open. I know I'm starting to sound like your parents, but it's because I care, babe," I said in a call one time. "It doesn't make a difference if you're dating men or women... a slut is still a slut."

"Yes, Mother," she sassed me back.

Cat's parents were stunned when she finally came out to them over Christmas break her freshman year. She told me she was going to tell them on her first night back. The next day, her mother called me, wondering if I could come over to talk to her and her husband. I'd known them forever. They were practically second parents to me. How could I refuse?

"Why didn't you tell us, Julian?" was the first question I was asked when I met with the two of them. "You're practically family. How could you not tell us?" Mrs. McVay asked.

"Wasn't my place to tell you that, and I love Cat too much to go behind her back," I responded. "It was up to her to finally tell you. It was my job to support her and have her back."

"I always thought you two would someday wind up together. I always thought you had something going," her mother said.

"We've been best friends forever, but she told me in high school that she thought she was gay. I was crushed at first, but I realized she had to be who she was. I will love her forever, she knows that.

"I guess it hurt when she told me we would never be together... that way, but at the same time it sort of didn't hurt as much as if it would have been another guy," I said.

"So this... dating act... was really just an act then?" he father asked. "You two..."

I didn't feel her parents needed to know everything, so I just told them what I thought they needed to know.

"I helped cover for her with the dating thing, and she paid me back by being my date for certain events. I love her. Always have, always will. I will always have her back, no matter what," I said.

"That's all we can ask, Julian. Thanks," her father said.

I dated from time to time throughout college. I wasn't a monk, but I really wasn't looking for Miss Right. An occasional hook-up was more than enough for me.

Cat, on the other hand, did date a lot, she admitted to me. She apparently was making up for lost time.

I drove over to Cat's apartment in early fall of her senior year to visit for Labor Day weekend. She lived with two other girls in a three-room apartment, and nobody had a problem with me sleeping on the floor in Cat's room. Well, to be exact, nobody had a problem until her roommates met me, then both offered to share their beds with me. Cat didn't think that was nearly as funny as they did. I blushed appropriately, although I was pretty sure that the taller of her two roommates, Alisha, was dead serious.

"Back off, ladies. He's my best friend," Cat said.

"Yeah, but you're not going to use him properly," the other roommate, Roxie, chimed in.

Saturday night the four of us went to a dance club. I had fun dancing with all three women in turn. I was on the floor with Alisha when I saw Cat head to the floor with a six-foot goddess with strawberry blonde hair, bright green eyes and "legs all the way up to the plumbing." Damn.

Cat stayed out on the floor after Alisha and I headed back to our table with Roxie. Roxie was sitting there with a Cheshire cat grin, watching Cat with the goddess.

"Would you look at that? The best-looking woman in the entire place walks up to Cat and drags her out on the floor. I'm not even gay and I seriously might consider having sex with that woman," Roxie said, her face flushed red.

"Ooh, yeah, that's one hot Amazon," Alisha said. "I'd think about that, too."

Both women turned their heads to look at me.

"Put me on that list, too," I answered.

Lauren Sittler looked like the volleyball player she was for her first two years of college, until she broke an ankle that ended her career. She and Cat came back to the table with their arms around each other, and from the glazed look in Cat's eyes I guessed she was going to go home with her. She introduced Loren around the table, then leaned over to me to tell me what I had already figured.

"Would it be okay if I caught up to you tomorrow morning for breakfast at the IHOP at 9?" she giggled.

"Absolutely. I'll make sure 'Lish and Roxie get home safely," I said.

We kissed softly on the lips before she and Loren left the club. The three of us at the table chuckled amongst ourselves as we watched the two of them leave.

"Wait a minute. She didn't tell us you couldn't share our beds tonight," Alisha said. "Do you think that was an oversight, or..."

For the record, that night would mark the first and only threesome of my life. Alisha had a queen-size bed and the three of us didn't finish our night until about 3 AM.

The girls let me use their shower so I could at least wash off the smell of our night of glorious debauchery and wake up somewhat. I kissed both Alisa and Roxie good-bye and was waiting for Cat at IHOP at 8:55 drinking a cup of coffee. She walked in promptly at 9, accompanied by Lauren. They were smiling and giggling like schoolgirls.

"I hope you don't mind that I invited Lauren," Cat said shyly. "I trust that Alisha and Roxie took good care of you last night."

The last was more of a statement than a question. It was my turn to be bashful.

Cat and Lauren both got jobs in the same city and moved in together after graduation. I was happy for both of them and told them so. I visited with them several times over the next 10 years and they came to stay with me about as often.

My life love didn't go nearly as well as Cat's. I had a few girlfriends here and there, but nothing that held any promise until Lily Hanlon showed up in my life about five years after I graduated.

I was a member of my local YMCA and used to go three times a week to work out in the weight room. Every now and then I would wander into the gym, pick up a loose basketball and take a few shots to stretch out my muscles.

There were six courts at the "Y" and there were games occurring at all but the hoop at which I was shooting. A woman a few years younger than me walked up dribbling a ball and asked if I minded if she shot at my basket. I answered affirmatively and she soon was filling up the hoop as if she was Damian Lillard. When she started banging in three-pointers, I stopped shooting and started watching.

She noticed I was watching so she started adding in some words and sound effects, like "deuce" or "trey" and "pow" and "bam." I smiled as I admired her stroke and her cheekiness.

"You want to play some Horse?" she asked, grinning.

I was a pretty good player in my day, but I was at least several years past my prime, and knew it. Horse, though, is about making shots, and after all, I was known as the king of the junk shot, at least in my mind. I accepted.

She went first and hit three long jumpers in a row, only two of which I could repeat so I had an "H" pretty quick. Then she missed her next shot, so it was my turn to shoot first. I walked over to the right elbow and threw in a left-handed jumper, much to her surprise.

"That was off-hand, wasn't it? You shot those other jumpers right-handed," she said.

"Yup. Have at it." I smiled.

She missed that shot, and the next two I also hit lefty. She was grimacing.

"Oh, come on, chicken shit, do something normal," she whined.

"Chicken shit? Why, because I can use my left hand and you can't?" I chuckled. "How about this for normal?"

I walked up to the free-throw line and tossed in an underhanded free throw, a la NBA hall-of-famer Rick Barry. She looked dumbstruck.

"Really?" she said, almost mournfully.

I nodded silently. She sighed, then missed the shot, which left her just one letter away from losing. She looked really upset, her big brown eyes growing moist with frustration.

"Yeah, I get it. How can you lose to this hack, you're wondering," I said, my smile growing wider by the second. "I'm one of those. Not great at anything, but I've got skills... weird skills, but skills nonetheless. Decent athlete, not great. Some brains, some common sense, but not the guy who went to Harvard."

"Just shoot your last shot already and put me out of my misery," she growled.

"Tell you what. I win this and you agree to go to dinner with me tomorrow night. Applebee's, nothing fancy, so you don't even have to consider it a date. Deal?" I asked.

She looked pensive for a second, then confused. She finally figured out in her mind that I was fucking with her. She smiled and giggled.

"Deal," she said, flipping the ball to me.

I barely glanced at the basket because I knew where on the court I was by the court. Anybody who's played a lot of schoolyard ball can do it. I then threw in a lefty 16-foot jumper.

She picked up the ball after it had gone through the hoop and moved over to where I was still standing, arm still raised.

I took a step over to my left and she moved in, fired another awkward lefty shot and whispered, "Applebee's it is, stud. Damn, you're an insufferable prick, you know that?"

"Actually, I do. I'm Julian Leonard, by the way," I said.

"Lily Hanlon. Very sorry loser," she said tightly.

"Oh, very sorry? Well maybe I will be able to change your mind tomorrow night," I said.

I was able to change her mind the next night, and she accepted a real date for the next Friday night. Turned out she was 23 years old, a year out of college, and worked in the human resources department for an auto-parts manufacturer. She was smart, literate and a big flirt, as well as a pretty good athlete.

We rapidly became an item; in fact, exclusive after our first month. I had never before had this kind of connection with a woman not named Cat. The only apparent negative was her propensity to flirt. We had talked about exclusivity and fidelity, and several times we went around about her flirting... and where I felt lines needed to be drawn. She would insist it was all in good fun and I would counter that it was not fun to me. We had several tiffs over that and she would always promise me she would try harder. Then we would wind up in bed for some fabulous make-up sex. I knew she was manipulating me with the sex, but... I really felt she loved me, and I had definitely fallen hard for her.

About six months after we were together, I took her with me for a long weekend with Cat and Lauren. I had explained to her early on about my relationship with Cat, and I had told Cat and Lauren all about Lily.

I thought the weekend went well, and I thought the women all hit it off pretty well. In fact, several times when I entered a room, the conversation among the three would stop, and giggling would commence. I took it as a good sign the three were bonding, even if it seemed to be they were conspiring against me.

Cat was expecting my phone call when she answered Monday evening after our weekend visit. As my go-to friend, she also knew exactly why I was calling.

"I really like her, Julian. I think she could be the girl for you. Lauren likes her, too, but Lauren noticed one thing I missed. Lauren said she seemed to be a bit flirty when we were out at the dance club the other night. I just took it as enthusiasm, but Lauren kind of thought it was a bit over the top. You know she loves you like I do, and she was taking notes as well," Cat said.

"Thanks for the opinions, babe. Those were the kind of things I wanted, and needed, to hear," I said.

Three months later I asked Lily to marry me, and she accepted. The wedding was set for about a year to the day.

I had met Lily's parents several times before I asked her to marry me. They seemed like nice enough people, although I could tell her father didn't feel I was good enough to marry his daughter. My father told me not to worry about it as it was just a "dad thing," and someday I would experience it if I had a daughter of my own. I tried not to let it bother me, but I got the feeling that he didn't respect me because I couldn't wield a hammer. I know, it sounds crazy, but Lily's father owned a fairly successful construction company, and both his son and son-in-law worked for him. I was a mid-level accountant, and I was no good at DIY projects. Forget the fact that the three of them could barely team up to count to 100, I was the one lacking because I was no good at building things.

The marriage was going to be a pretty big event in her parents' hometown, which was about a two-hour drive from where we lived. That's also where Lily was going to have her hen party two weeks before the wedding. The party was set up by her sister, Willie, the matron of honor, and her remaining bridesmaids. Lily told me there were going to be 15 women, so they got five rooms at the Hilton Hotel in town, assuming that they were going to be too drunk to drive home. I told her I thought that was wise.

Since I was scheduled to be alone that night, I decided to treat myself to a bottle of Angel's Envy rye, truly top-shelf whiskey, and my two favorite all-time movies, "Jeremiah Johnson" and the original "Rollerball." It was a great night. I wasn't too loaded when I hit the rack a little after midnight.

I woke up with a slight hangover about 6 in the morning, and decided I would get some aspirin and go back to sleep, but then an evil thought hit me. I figured there was going to be more than a few hungover women this morning at the hotel among Lily and the others, and it would be somewhat humorous to see what the "demon rum" had wrought last night. I knew they were supposed to meet for breakfast at 9. I decided to show up as well. A quick shower and I was on my way.

I actually showed up a few minutes early, and was standing off to the side when Willie and about eight other women straggled in to breakfast. Lily was not among them. I assumed she tied one on really good.

I waited for several minutes before approaching the chattering, hungover group.

"Lily too wrecked to even eat breakfast with you guys this morning?" I asked with a big smile.

Nine heads turned swiftly in my direction. I found I was the only one smiling. Lord, please no.

"Which room is she in? I know you guys were supposed to have 201 to 205. Damn it, which room?" I yelled.

One of the women started to rise, as did my blood pressure.

"Stay! None of you make a move!" I shouted.

The woman sat back down. They started to chatter incoherently among themselves. I walked over to the elevator and went up to the second floor. It didn't take someone with very good hearing to figure out what was happening in room 205. I turned around and left the hotel, tears of anger and frustration leaking from my eyes.

I spent most of the two-hour drive home considering running my car off the road and killing myself. I never saw it coming. I didn't know whom, nor did I know why. I only knew that the wedding was off. I suppose I was lucky I found out sooner rather than later.

I called Cat, who was to be my best woman, and Lauren first when I got home and told them my sad story. Then I called my parents. God bless my mom. She volunteered to call the 28 guests from our side and tell them the wedding was off. Since Cat already knew, all I really had to call was Robert and Jimmy, my two groomsmen.

In addition to being sick to my stomach over what had happened, I was also stunned that I still hadn't heard from Lily midway through the day. I decided since I wasn't the one who cheated, I didn't need to be the one to make the call.

A very contrite-looking Lily showed up at my door Sunday about noon, looking like she was about to cry when I opened the door and let her in.

"I'm sorrier than I can ever tell you," she said as she sat down on my sofa. "I got carried away partying... and lost my head," she said.

"That's what you're calling it, losing your head," I said. "How many times did you lose your head?"

She blushed hard and looked down, then gradually lifted her eyes to mine.

"Just once the night before and then in the morning," she whispered.

"Okay, the tough question: why did you lose your head? Was I not enough for you?" I asked.

"Like I told you, I just lost my head. I had too much to drink... and lost my head. He was handsome. It was just..."