The Humper Game Pt. 04 Ch. 04

"Now, if he were tempted hard enough, I can imagine Phil coming to you and telling you so, and asking you to agree to modify that commitment. I think he wouldn't do that—I think he would tell you he had this problem and try to work out a way of avoiding the woman—but I can imagine it. What I just plain can't imagine is his going behind your back like that, letting things get to that point at all without talking to you first. In fact, if you will recall, he made that commitment not just to you, but to me and to Sam as well.

"And another thing. Were you supposed to be away a lot longer? You didn't sound like it. But anyway, there are lots of men, and I have some of them here asking me for dates I think, who might be stupid enough not to think about that, but if somehow Phil were starting to cheat on you, he wouldn't do it when he was expecting you to walk in at any minute.

"There is one thing against what I've been saying, though, and it's important. Phil and I had an agreement about how we were going to treat each other, and I just ignored that and told him off very unreasonably and stomped off, and I would sure like to think I'm not like that. I know Phil was trusting me. Then, I don't know what all happened between you and Brian, but I know Phil and I both trusted him and wouldn't have ever thought he would treat you badly in any way. And you know I was trusting him, too, a little later, and I got burned. We didn't know him as well as you and I know Phil, admittedly, but you did. So it is possible to be wrong about this kind of thing, and people sometimes do change for no obvious reason, besides.

"But I still want to know what Phil has to say. I would have thought you would, too. And just to be clear, I think I owe it to him to call and ask him, just as soon as you're done with me.

"In fact, if I'm right and you're missing something, I really, really need to call him. Because in that case, this is going to feel to him just like it did when I dumped him without warning. And honestly, that just about killed him. He wasn't walking wounded, he was walking dead. This will be worse, and that's my fault, because this has to have brought it all back."

Ellen hesitated, this time. I opened my mouth, and I'm not sure what I would have said, but she glared at me and ran her finger across her lips like a zipper. I sat back and shut my mouth.

After a few more moments, she said, "Jenny, I didn't tell you the whole thing, because I wanted to get your reaction to that much. That's where things were last night. I slept in my own bed, and I didn't sleep much, I was so hurt. I didn't get up to run—that might have meant facing Elise or Phil or both. I waited until Phil should be in class, cutting my own first class, and then went upstairs to get some clothes and the other stuff I'd need for the rest of the day. Phil hadn't ever gone to bed. He was on the couch, in yesterday's clothes. I think he'd been asleep until I started unlocking the door, but I don't know. When I saw him, he was sitting up but looking sleepy. I asked him why he wasn't in class, and he said it was pointless, and I didn't let him touch me or say anything else.

"Anyway, I managed to get cleaned up and dressed and get to my next class. I cut my last class to start moving my stuff downstairs, since Phil had class then, too. And he was asleep on the couch, still in yesterday's clothes. I had to wake him up. I think he was sleeping there all day.

"I asked him why he hadn't gone to any of his classes, and he said it didn't really seem to matter. I told him Sam had called me last night—left a message, I mean, I just sent her to voicemail—to say I really needed to talk to Phil. He'd called her last night. I was wondering why I hadn't heard from you, and he said he hadn't called you, he'd just called Sam because he needed to talk to someone.

"Anyway I told him he might as well say whatever he had to say and get it over with. And if you're going to say I was rude, I know it. And he was rude right back. He said that I had my mind made up and so there wasn't any point in saying anything. Well, that kind of hurt, a lot in fact, but I had to admit that it wasn't unfair, and I said so. And I said I'd listen, but that I didn't think I could trust what he said.

"He said that Elise had come up looking for me, and he let her come in to wait for me. He was studying, but she started asking him questions about a book we have, and then she just abruptly sat down in his lap and kissed him. He said right off he kissed back, without thinking, but that he was going to break off, and that I literally walked in when she had just sat down there. And I really find that hard to believe, and said so. Probably pretty rudely. He accused me again of having made my mind up and not being willing to listen.

"So I thought I'd call you—first to check whether he was telling the truth about not having called you, and second to get your take on the situation and what I should do."

Jenny was quiet for quite a long time. Finally, she said, "Ellen, I'm pretty sure you were there when I told Phil about how Linda Labelle had berated me between classes when I'd dumped Phil. You were, weren't you? Do you remember what I said she said?"

"Not really, I think."

"Well, part of it was just telling me the little she had actually heard about it. But she started by asking me if I'd lost my mind. And that hurt, and I tried to just tell myself that she really didn't know anything about it. Which was literally enough true, in a way, since Phil really had only told her I wasn't speaking to him, when she asked where I was. He'd refused to say more. But she was totally right, I was out of my mind. And at the risk of offending you, I'm going to say, Ellen, have you completely lost your mind?

"You're there with a man who may not be, who probably isn't, the nicest man on the planet. But if he's not, I still haven't met anyone nicer. Anyone close. He's promised to be faithful to you—and me and Sam—and I've never known him to be less than honest and trustworthy. As I say, I can imagine him asking you to let him out of that promise in some way, but I can't imagine him just up and breaking it.

She paused for a moment, and then said, "While I'm being so blunt, I should add this. You said Phil was being rude to you when he said it wasn't worth telling you what happened, because you'd already made your mind up. I don't think he was. He was being realistic, and he didn't have the energy to be gentle.

"You weren't there, but he did that with me once, when we were starting to try to put things back together. He needed to check out of the girls' wing—the first supper signal had sounded—and he just said I needed to figure out what I wanted, but that no matter what Sam had his next two nights, period, and if Sam and I needed to talk we could, but he was going out to start on supper. And he just walked out.

"Well, I was hurt, but Sam chewed me out a little, and in the end I saw she was right. I was acting—and thinking—like once I'd apologized, Phil should be back to normal, and I was the only one with feelings involved. But I'd hurt him so badly, and now I was making him just wait while I decided whether it was going to work, with Brian I mean, and then I'd let him know!

"The only time I've ever known him to be actually rude, even a little, was what he said to Wilma, four years and more ago. Ellen, you know how careful he is about that!

"I'll tell you, I was rude to him, way beyond what you were. Not just when I told him off while we were running. You know all about that. But that same day, in the game, I was forfeit. I was too preoccupied to be careful, and I ran into someone. But Phil had once promised me, if I was ever forfeit, he'd try to be first in line. Well, he was too late for that, but he came over to me when he got there. He reminded me of that, and pointed out that I wasn't supposed to refuse, and then asked me whether I wanted him to take a turn or not. And I wasn't even polite enough to give him a straight yes or no. I just made it clear that anything he did would be wrong. Even with that much provocation, he was courteous. He didn't take a turn, by the way."

Being reminded about that had tears pouring out of my eyes, all over again.

"Anyway, I'm as sure as I can be that what he told you is the absolute truth. And you're calling me? Don't you know Phil better than that? Have you called Elise? What did she say about it?"

"She left me a lot of voicemails, dozens by now probably, starting maybe five minutes after it all happened. I haven't listened to any of them."

"Ellen, you hang up on me right now and listen to at least the first one, and maybe some others! Use your brain and at least see what she said! I suppose maybe Phil lost his mind and then lied to you about it, but honestly I'd believe his account over what you thought happened. At any rate, I've never, ever known him to be untrustworthy. Even when he was brain-dead because I'd hurt him so much, all he wanted was to find out what was wrong and fix it. If he had fallen into temptation with Elise and you had caught him at it, he wouldn't be denying it, he would be saying so and begging you to forgive him.

"And one more thing. Think of it this way. I can assure you that he needs a shoulder to cry on. And as far as I know from what the two of you have told me, there are three candidates for that job. You, and Kelly, and Elise. Sam said Art Gumby is just down the hall, and I suppose Phil might go to him for sympathy, but you know as well as I do that Phil is going to want a woman to hold him while he cries—and I don't mean he'd be thinking of sex at all!

"I wish I were there, or Sam, but we're not. If you don't do it, eventually one of the others will get the chance to fill in. And if that happens and you blame him for it, you're a total idiot. And I know you're not, so get—no, I won't use that idiom. Get your brain in gear, Ellen! You're not that stupid! For heaven's sake!

"Please, call me later and let me know how things work out. Tomorrow will be fine. But right now you get busy figuring out how to make up with Phil.

"Goodbye, I'm hanging up." And she closed the call.

Ellen looked at me for a minute. Finally, she said, "OK, Jenny may love you a lot more than she does me, but I'm pretty sure she wasn't lying when she said you hadn't called her. And I'm about half convinced that she's right. But one thing she's definitely right on is that I do need to listen to at least some of what Elise had to say."

Right then my own phone rang. I looked at it and said, "It's Kelly. Is it OK if I answer?" Ellen nodded. I put it on speaker.

"Hi, Kelly. I'm sorry, I should have called you last night to say I wouldn't be there."

"Elise told me this morning why you and Ellen weren't there. And then you weren't in class. Are you OK?"

"Not really, but I do appreciate your asking. At least for the moment, we're talking again, and that's a big step."

"I'd be tempted to go over there offer a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on, except that that seems like a really bad idea in this case. I'm sure the last thing you need right now is another woman in your apartment with you. I'll just say that I'm sorry things are messed up between you, and that I hope they get fixed up. Soon! I'll try to keep getting up to run, and hope to see you there really soon."

"I hope so, too. Having you as a partner is important motivation but—but right now I'm fresh out of motivation for anything at all. It just doesn't make sense to do anything, period. That's not your fault, but you're in the path of the fallout, I'm afraid."

"I'm sorry as can be, and I wish there were something I could do to help. If you think of something, let me know. And—if it's likely to help, tell Ellen I said that, for her as well as you. Please, either of you, call if I can help somehow."

Ellen took a deep breath and let it out, then said, "Kelly, I'm right here. We're talking, and I hope we can deal with things. But I really appreciate the offer."

I put in, "Thank you, Kelly. I appreciate it, too. We need to get back to talking and things. Thank you. Goodbye." I hung up.

Ellen took another deep breath. "OK, Phil. Let's see what those messages from Elise said. But it's looking more and more like I totally blew it, and I don't have a clue whether there's anything I can do to make up for it."

The first one said, "Ellen, it's Elise. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done it, but it's all my fault, every bit of it. He didn't invite me, I just plopped myself down and kissed him. You came in immediately, there wasn't anything you didn't see, except that you obviously didn't see his hands on my shoulders pushing me away. I'd have been on my butt on the floor, hard, if I hadn't had my arms around him.

"So don't be mad at Phil. If you're mad at me, I deserve it. If you never want to run with me again, I deserve it, but I hope you'll change your mind. But none of it was Phil's fault. And I'm sorry. I was wrong."

The next four all just said, "Ellen, please, listen to that first message. I'm so sorry," with the wording slightly varied. After that, seven said, "Ellen, please call me and tell me you listened to that first message and you're done being mad at Phil," or words to that effect. The next one was from that morning. "OK, Ellen, you weren't there to run. Not that I really expected you. I hope it's because you spent all night screwing Phil to tell him you weren't mad. I hope you're listening to these. Please, please call me and say you aren't just deleting them without listening!" And there were five more, all just pleas to be told things were OK at Ellen's end. Except that the last two said, "Maybe I should call Phil, but I don't dare. He has even more reason to be mad at me than you do," at the end. Wording varied, but not the message.

Ellen looked at me. She was crying. I went to hold her, but she stepped away. "Phil, I'm sorry. I was wrong not to listen. I was hurt, but Jenny was right. I know you, and I should have known that something was funny about it. You can hold me in a minute. Or five. I have phone calls I need to make. The first one should be short."

She dialed, and Elise's voice answered. "Ellen, finally! Tell me you understand it wasn't Phil's fault and nothing really happened. Please!"

"I finally listened to your messages. Yes, I know what happened, now. I'll have to figure out about you later. I have two more calls left, and I still need to grovel. We'll talk next time we run together and not before, so don't call me again." She disconnected without saying goodbye.

She called Jenny next. "Jenny, you were right all along. He was telling the truth."

"Ellen, I'm so glad. Not just to find out I was right about Phil, but that you're back to normal."

The tears started falling harder, with that. "No, I'm not. Jenny, you haven't seen Phil. I hurt him so badly, I'm afraid he won't get over it. He'll never really be able to trust me again. And yes, he's sitting there hearing me say that. We'll work on it, but I can see now, he's always going to be wondering whether I'll misunderstand something and get so mad I won't listen to reason.

"Thank you for your advice. If I'd listened to Elise's first message when it came, I would have known better. I'm pretty mad at her, but not as much as I was before. It really does sound like she yielded for just a moment—though if there had been time—and if Phil had gone along!—I think she wouldn't have limited it at all. But her messages, and there were a bunch, were all aimed at making me not blame Phil, and that really does make a difference. She wasn't trying to spin doctor her part. Thank you for talking to me like a Dutch uncle, because I needed it. I just don't know what I can do now."

"Remember Sam? You weren't there when she came up to him at supper to apologize, were you? But you must have heard about it. Emulate that.

"And Ellen, you probably don't remember, but he was all tangled up inside for a week at least after that, withdrawn and distracted. Even worse than when it was because of me. When he's really hurt, he gets like that. He needs your help to keep him afloat now. Don't get discouraged, because it will take a while."

They talked for a bit more, and then disconnected.

Finally, Ellen called Sam. "Sam, thank you for your message. You were right that I needed to talk to Phil, and I was treating him shamefully by not doing so. I think Phil said he told you what had really happened. And I found out he was telling the truth, and I was too pigheaded to listen to him.

"And Jenny has warned me that it's going to take him a while to get back to normal. I'm glad she did, because I've been worrying about what I see. She says it took him longer to get over it when you apologized to him than when she messed him up, and that's pretty hard to believe. But I'm really afraid this will take longer yet."

"Ellen, if you're finally listening to him, I think it will happen. Make sure he understands that you're not trying to excuse your reaction. I'm pretty sure it's not that you jumped to the conclusion you did, but that you didn't trust him enough to even consider that there might be more behind it than you saw, or trust him enough to listen to him.

"To some degree you're going to have to hold him together while he gets over it. The other times, there were plenty of girls ready and eager to do that, but this time you're on your own. Don't let him just curl up and die."

"That seems like a good description of what's happening. I'll do my best. I guess I was kind of out of the loop a lot of the time, both after you came to him and when Jenny jumped on him. And the second one, I was around, so I don't know how I missed it, but even Jenny saw it. She said so.

"Again, thank you. For loving Phil and for loving me, both." They said goodbye and disconnected.

Ellen turned to me. "OK, end of phone calls, for tonight. I think and hope. Now. I told—um, whichever of them—Elise—I need to grovel now. And I meant it. You were right and I was wrong. I wouldn't listen to you. And, a long time ago, you asked me if I would trust you, and I said, 'Phil, with you, anything.' And I said it quite a few times since, as well. And then I get to the first real situation that really requires trust, and I didn't trust you enough even to listen. No, this one's really the second situation. I flunked the first time, too. I mean after my vision. And you were so patient with me about that, I never even noticed that the real problem was that I wasn't trusting you.

"I'm ashamed of myself. I deserve anything you might decide to do to me. I know you well enough to be pretty sure that you aren't going to do anything to punish me, but I deserve it if you do." Tears were streaming down her face again. "I was more concerned to get my stuff out of here so that I wouldn't have to stay with you any longer, than to ask you why I'd found you that way. And so I could tell Sam yes, I talked to you and it hadn't made any difference. Phil, I'm so sorry.

"Jenny's right, I didn't get to see and hear Sam and you that one time, but I know that she came and told you and everyone what she had done, and said she had no way to repay you or fix what she'd done, and you forgave her. I may not have tormented you for years on end, but I had every reason to trust you absolutely, and I had promised to, over and over, and I didn't do it. Please, Phil, will you forgive me?"

This time she let me hold her, and she cried and cried with her head on my shoulder. I was crying almost as hard, enough that I couldn't manage to speak for a long, long time. Finally, I managed, "Ellen, I love you. Yes, I forgive you. Without reservation.