The Humper Game Pt. 07 Ch. 08

In the morning, when we ran, I had to go slower than I usually did at that point. In spite of my not having a regular partner to keep me honest, I was still pushing myself some, and I was doing enough other training that I was a lot fitter than I had been the last time we had run together—which was when Ellen and I had gotten engaged. I thought Jenny wasn't quite as fast as she had been then, besides. She could tell, of course, and later on she thanked me for holding back—though I thought she didn't realize how much. Ellen and I had agreed to skip the weightlifting session before we ran, for the two days Jenny was running with us.

We tried to be quieter than usual in the shower, but we still had a quickie. Ellen did have occasion to make some noise, this time, though.

I got breakfast while Jenny was in the shower, and Ellen did some other chores. When breakfast was ready, we sat down and prayed, and then we talked as we ate. Or maybe ate as we talked.

Along the way, Jenny said, "Phil, I'm really lucky to have known you. I've heard some other women with guys who cheated on them, and they're, well, 'Men, they're all liars and cheats! I'm never gonna trust a man again!' And a couple of cases I've seen, at least, in a couple of months they're screwing some guy, and even I can see he's just in it for the sex. They were never going to trust a man again, and it lasts a few weeks!

"And it's not that women are any better than men about being faithful and honest. You wouldn't tell me that I'm living proof of that, but it's true. Even ignoring me, I've seen some others who are every bit as bad as a lot of guys, using men and abandoning them. But I do know one man who I could trust with anything. And when I think about you, I have to realize that there must be a lot more out there. I suppose my dad could have cheated on Mom sometime in the last thirty years without my knowing, OK, but it would have been getting seduced into some one-time thing if he ever did, and I'd bet pretty high he's been completely faithful. For sure, when I was old enough to notice, he just didn't have time for anyone else!—unless it could have been a quickie on his lunch hour at work or something. But he's not putting on a show about loving Mom. You hear about cases, but I'm really, really sure Dad and Mom aren't like that and aren't putting on a front.

"If I asked you, why has this happened to me twice now, well, if you're honest you'd have to tell me I let myself in for it. Three times, really—twice with Jesse. I wanted to believe, and I didn't ask questions or I didn't think."

I looked at Ellen, and then kind of took a deep breath. "Jenny, there's kind of a lot to say to that. And I'm not sure what you want from us, but I think any way we may help you is going to hurt, some, at some point. I really hope that if something does hurt, unless you can see that it really is something you need to hear, you'll say so. We both want to help you, and we don't want to hurt you unless it really is necessary." Ellen nodded.

I went on. "First off, I need to protest a little. I'm really, really glad that when Ellen and I fell apart, when she talked to you, you told her she should trust me more than what she saw with her own eyes." Jenny looked kind of surprised, and I said, "By the time she called you, we'd been talking—she told you that later—and I was there. She just made me promise not to say anything or make any noise at all, because she wanted your honest answers. And we're both glad you gave them. She told you, at the point she called you she felt she couldn't trust anything I said.

"Anyway, God giving me strength, I hope and trust I'll never betray Ellen that way, and I trust her never to do it to me. But I'm nowhere near as good as you make me out to be. I've let her down in some things—OK, smaller ones, so far, but still. Sometimes, it's been unwillingly, I've promised things I couldn't do. Or I just forgot. But at least a couple of times I've just changed my mind without warning." Ellen nodded and started to say something, but I kind of waved at her and she didn't say whatever it was. I went on.

"And even way back, with you. Yes, the main fault was yours. You should have said a lot of things, and a lot sooner. But even so, if I had been listening to you the way I should have, I would have sat you down and asked you questions and really made you answer. Not just a quick, 'Are you sure this is OK with you?' or something like that. And that's important. And you know I was capable of it—I did just that both with Maggie and with Barbara Wilson. With you, I took things for granted, and that wasn't fair to you.

"But now that I've said all that, you're welcome to what comfort I can give. If you want advice about Jesse specifically, I have some—but I doubt that's what you're after. I think you know what I'd suggest, and I think it's stuff you're already in agreement with. So. How can we help? What can we give you?"

Jenny looked at me for a long minute. "Phil. Maybe you get a few atoms of blame for way back then, but no more. It would have been nice if you'd listened more and asked, like you just said, but I don't see how you could have seen anything—except that so often you seemed to read my mind. But remember that song you played for me?" She sang a snatch: "'It's so hard finding out, and lately she's taken to hiding.'" She went on. "That really hurt, because it was so true, about me. I'm sorry as I can be, and it hurt both of us a lot, but it really was all my fault. But in the end it got you Ellen, and that's much better for us all, and I'm not sorry about that, not in the least!

"I guess what I really want, right now is to tell you what I'm thinking, and have you tell me why it won't work and what to do to fix it. Both of you. Because unless I can change what I'm doing, in some really drastic way, this is going to happen again and again, unless I get really lucky, and then I'll mess it up myself. That other one, 'Round Once Again,' is kind of breathing down my neck."

During all this we had finished eating. Ellen got up and started collecting and washing the dishes. I stayed put, and for a couple of minutes Jenny and I just sat. I was beginning to wonder whether she was waiting for me to say something, but it seemed that wasn't it. She finally said, "Here's the thing. I think what I really need to do is to just give up on dating of any kind for a while, swear off it completely I mean. But I'm really afraid I'll just prove I can't. And yep, Ellen called that. 'In twenty-seven languages she couldn't say no.' I remember that one time during my period, too. Ellen, how did you ever manage six whole months, and with Phil right there in your bed, too?"

I decided I'd better just let Ellen answer that one. And after all, she was the one Jenny had asked. And in a minute or two, she did.

"Well, it wasn't exactly easy. I don't mean that, for sure! But actually, those weeks before the end of school were a lot harder. I was afraid, but I wanted Phil so much!

"But that may be the answer, and if so it may not help you much. I've had times of just being horny, too, but mostly it wasn't just sex I wanted, or even just having some guy to make love to me. Even some really nice guy! I wanted Phil. If he'd gone back on what he'd said, either time, I don't think I could have held out at all. But you see, I wanted Phil, and I knew I could trust him in that. If I had said, 'Phil, I can't stand this any more, please just make love to me,' he would have tried hard to comfort me, but he would have stood firm, and I knew it. That first time, he would have asked me whether I'd really made up my mind or whether I was just giving in, and I knew if I couldn't honestly say I was satisfied he would say no, and the second time he would have just said that we were committed. However much he wanted me. And he did want me, but he was just plain horny too, a lot of the time, and the commitment meant more than that to him."

She came over and hugged me, awkwardly, trying to hold her wet hands away. "Phil, I didn't really completely understand all that when I was being afraid of my vision, but later on I sure did. And I didn't need more reasons to love you, but all that meant more to me than I can tell you. Sure, immediately you were doing it because you'd committed yourself, but you'd made that commitment because you loved me more than any short-term satisfaction, ever." She looked at Jenny. "So that may not help you much, in this." She went back to the sink.

Again I was considering what to say, and before I had a clue, Jenny was going on. "Ellen, thank you for putting it that way. Because I think that's the trouble. Well, being horny as such is part of it, but not really the big thing. That happens a lot, once my feelings get going, but at the beginning it's more like loneliness. I just want to make contact with some man, to have him care about me and hold me. And of course, not just any man will do, but someone who is nice and considerate, good-looking helps too, but interested in me, not just in my boobs and pussy. And when it seems like some guy is all those things, and he starts showing affection, I fall for him.

"And Phil, OK, our first time was in the game. But the crucial things happened long before that. Years. You were all those things. Afterward, after that first time, you made clear that you liked my body, but you said you hadn't thought of me that way before. And after freshman biology, we weren't as close, but whenever we met or were doing something together in a group, you showed that you liked me and cared about me. So when sex got added to that, and you did really like my body too—anyone could see that!—I kind of wanted you all the time.

"Well, you were totally honest. You made it clear up front what you were willing to commit to, and what you weren't. And why, even. Guys since then haven't been clear, or haven't been honest. When I pushed Jesse for clear commitment, he eventually gave it, but he really wasn't honest from the beginning. And I'm afraid to try with someone else, now, but that doesn't stop me wanting it."

There was another pause. I said, "Jenny, this isn't going to help you, but I need to say it again. I let you down. I sure didn't mean to. I did try to be clear, and I meant it when I told Barb—Barbara—that you had at least some kind of veto, but if I were half as perceptive as people keep telling me I am, I would have seen how unsatisfied you were and done something. Maybe just discussed it with you. More likely, discussed it and cut back some on everyone you were sharing me with. That would have been really hard, but I could have managed some, anyway. Maybe not enough. Probably not enough."

I paused. "But OK. I'm not as perceptive as I'm made out to be." They both appeared to be starting to interrupt, but I ignored it and plowed ahead. "But you're going to have to be clear, a lot earlier in things. Clear about what you need and expect and demand. And then stick to it—barring any actual, good reasons for changing, of course.

"Let me give you an example of what I mean. Barbara—Wilson, I mean." Quite recently, Barbara and Bert had announced their engagement, no date set yet. "For reasons we all know, she was doing what you said, just flatly turning down date requests from any guys who asked, and I'm sure there were a bunch. I'm pretty sure she wasn't giving any reasons, just saying thank you very much, in a way that showed that she appreciated the offer, but nicely saying no however many times a guy asked her out. But you know her. She's beautiful, and she's not standoffish or anything, she's straightforward with men and women both, and she's all-around nice, too, so of course guys were interested!

"Well, she really liked Bert, as a friend, and he asked her to something she really would have liked to attend, and he knew it. So she felt he deserved an explanation. And she was pretty sure she could trust him not to spread it around. He agreed to doing things together, with no more than friendship, but he warned her that he was looking for the right woman, and if he found someone, she would probably not be willing for him to have that kind of friendship with Barbara. With some guys, that would have been pressure, but with him it was just integrity. And notice! He was being clear with her, about his conditions for the relationship she was offering, and that was very good.

"Of course, it really did make a difference that she was finding the women she was going with frustrating. They were willing to let her stay in the closet, for the time being anyway, but they also were just out for their own fun and enjoyment. Friendship with benefits, I guess, but definitely no more. Anyway, she wanted more. And Bert was just about what she wanted—except for being a man. But there was her experience with me. So eventually she talked with us, and then discussed it with him. They tried it, and you know the rest. Or the end result, anyway. So far.

"My point is that they liked each other a lot, as friends, and when he wanted to do something with her, at some point she said, Yes, but it's not going to turn into romance and sex. Even though it eventually did. And he was willing to go on, on those terms. So my suggestion would be that you turn guys down as nicely as you can, without giving a reason—even when you could point to a pretty clear conflict—but making sure you're not communicating that you don't like them. Except when that's true, of course! Not that you should be snide even in those cases, unless the guy is a real, honest-to-goodness selfish jerk. But, 'I'm not dating anyone right now, but somehow you're just not my type,' probably is fine, if you can put it a little nicer than that.

"But then, if some guy does keep asking and you really do like him, tell him something like, 'I've come out of some really bad relationships, and I don't know when I'll be up to looking at more than friendship. I'd love to do things with you, but only if we can just be friends, at least for the foreseeable future.' And Jenny, I mean you need to sort out your feelings beforehand! This is if he really seems to be a guy you'd be glad to just hang out with, go to things with. Not just if being with him makes you get wet down below! And also, you should make clear that you'll pay your own way most of the time, and take him to things on your dime sometimes, too.

"If after that he agrees, but later he wants more than, oh, a friendly hug or a kiss on the cheek, remind him of what you said. And if it keeps happening, just consider that if he won't keep that commitment, you probably can't trust him enough for a serious relationship, either. Some allowance for being tempted, I guess, but you want someone who will honor a commitment even when he's tempted!

"But it does mean putting your foot down and sticking to it, unless you decide that he is a good enough friend and really trustworthy. Give it some time first! And if you want to propose changing the rules, make sure you make it clear what you mean, and that you ask him. You sometimes kind of tend to assume a guy will go along with what you want, without asking him."

Jenny looked at me. After a moment, she kind of sighed. "Phil, I'm sorry. You're right, I did that with you, kind of a lot, and you resented it but I kept doing it. Sometimes you resented it enough that you didn't quite go along, and I didn't learn from that. I'm thinking of that time I tried to work around our all having our periods. I take your point, though. It's the same as my blowing up at you when you were doing what I'd agreed was OK. If he agrees, and then I want to change things, he needs to hear it and have a chance to say no.

"I'm a little afraid this may scare everyone off, though."

"Well, part of the point is precisely to scare off most of them. The ones who just want sex will hopefully just give up and go away, if you're clear and definite enough. For long enough. If you go on like this for a year or more and no one will accept just friendship, you'll have the option of just starting to accept some requests, or of going back to someone you think might be good, if he hasn't settled down with anyone else—and you'll have had more time to watch him. But by then maybe you'll have developed the discipline to keep it kind of light at first." I paused a moment. "Sorry."

"Why? OK, maybe that stings a little, but it's not your saying it that's the problem. The problem is that it's true.

"That song Ellen reminded me about? I've usually made up my mind, all right. I know, the one time when I wanted to have my cake and eat it, too—when I wanted to go on with Brian but still wanted to be able to go back to you if it didn't work—well, that's a big exception. But when I've made my mind up, it hasn't always seemed to stay that way. I'm sorry, when I dumped you is a huge example. But when I agreed about no unprotected sex without an STD test, that kind of fell apart the first time I made out with Jesse. So I really am afraid I won't have the discipline to stick to anything, at all."

"I can understand that. But I think you'll have to develop it. Beyond that, I'm talking about stopping long before you get to the making-out stage! Once you take the first step, it's a lot harder to stop. If you're not going to Chicago, don't get on the plane!

"Um. When Ellen and I were being celibate, we felt we needed a little cuddling, but we had to be really, really careful. I don't think we ever discussed limits in any general way, but we were on the same wavelength. I think." I looked at Ellen, who didn't contradict me, at least. "We sat close, with arms around each other. We hugged a little longer than what would be appropriate with just a friend. Kisses mostly token pecks, occasionally a little more, but nothing that would say, 'I want you.'

"Well, after all, we were expecting to get married in a few months. I think we had to be even more cautious than a couple who were both completely inexperienced would, because we had the habit of one step leading to the next, not just the desire for that next step. But then, we knew what the next step would be, so we didn't just slip into it.

"At any rate, I think that's my advice, and I doubt whether I'll come up with any more or better. Except, well, we can't always drop everything and talk, but we're both willing to talk if you're in the throes of temptation and decide to call us. Schedules and activities permitting. You remember, Sam told you, after we talked in the lavatory that time, I warned her that if you came asking to talk, I'd stop for that even if we were starting to make love. And she was really, really happy that I trusted her enough to say that! But we're not at school in sex ed week, with our only commitments being to our partners, outside of scheduled instruction time that affected everyone. I won't promise to drop everything, this time, I'm afraid."

Jenny stood up quickly, and came around, bent over, and hugged me, with a kiss on the cheek. "Of course not! But I know it's having more commitments, not caring less. You and Sam both pulled me out of a deep hole, that time, and I'm grateful forever. Even if I kind of forgot, two weeks later."

She sat back down, and we kind of turned to other topics. Light conversation, reminiscences of people and situations at school, with talk about where people were now.

We got lunch together and ate. After that, we turned to some housekeeping chores, for an hour or so. Housekeeping is like studying—it seems to take a lot of time to keep it up as you go along, but often that saves time in the long run. Of course, there are chores, like laundry, that just don't really break up into daily increments. But mopping the kitchen floor and cleaning the bathroom don't take too long if things are kept up daily. Ellen and I had agreed to put off laundry until Jenny was gone, and we all talked as we worked.