The Idiot, the Farmer and Me Ch. 03

Den laughed,

"Oh what a catch Sam!" she giggled, "why the hell did you let that one get away?!"

"Well you know, I couldn't keep up with him intellectually Den," I said with a grin.

"You going to ring him? He said you had to Babes?"

"That's the one reason I don't want to."

"Yeah but you need to ring him straight back and tell him to go fuck himself don't you." She pressed save on the machine and little did I know she sent it to Mike's phone with a text telling him that Les wasn't scared of him. That would quite make his day.

I for my part waited until the first coffee break for the adults and play for the children and walked along the edge of the playground that went with our old school.

"SAMMY!" came the loud reply, slightly croaky and I guessed that he'd ended up singing either in the pub or on his way back to his flat.

"Les," I said quietly.

"You called me, good gew'l," he said, but I held my anger for a few moments, "I'm guessin' you ain't rung 'im and told 'im yet, prob'ley want to do that in person..." he paused to consider that, "yeah, be fair to the bloke even if 'yah weren't that fair ta' me."

"Oh do fuck off Les, don't kid yourself please," I said, "I'm only ringing to warn you," I said. "Apparently Denise got to the office answer phone before I did and she's already sent a copy of your message to Mike..." I let that hang for a moment.

"Wha..." he caught his breath and coughed, "What did she do?" he enquired.

"The bit when you said that you wasn't scared of my brother and never had been and then you saying you could probably have him, then threatening me of course. Den sent the whole message to him; so... err... if I was you Les I should keep your head down for a bit."

"What? Oh no, I ain't havin' any of that shit," he sniffed, "I've got Brian and Carl on speed dial, your bruvva's a big lad, but Carl 'as got youf' on 'is side plus he's a bit handy wiv' 'is fists!"

"Haven't you heard?" I said adding some dramatic surprise to my tone, "Carl is inside, he got arrested ten o'clock Friday morning and by three he was residing at Her Majesty's pleasure again and will be for another six months if he behaves himself. So is Brian, he got lifted for contempt when he tried to tell the Magistrate how to do her job, so you won't be seeing him for at least a month either."

"Oh..." he said.

"So I still think you should wind your fucking neck in Les," It was my turn to raise my voice, "'Cos if you think for one fucking second that I'm going to stop seeing my new friend just because we were married for seven years fifteen years ago and you don't like it, you can think again! Get me?!"

"Now fuckin' hell Sammy..."

"What Les, WHAT?!" I growled, "Just who the fuck do you think you are huh? We divorced fifteen fucking years ago, I wasn't speaking to you for at least ten of those so what the fuck Les?" I took a breath, "why is it you don't take an interest in me or your two children until I decide that I'm finally moving on with my life. I haven't bothered you about what you've been getting up to have I?" I paused, "HAVE I?" there was a quiet 'no' from his end of the line, "So get this, I will go straight to the police and tell them you've been threatening me or to burn down a certain person's farm." I could here him catching his breath, "Yeah, all recorded for posterity Les! That or I will set Mike loose on you, and your own daughter will hold his jacket for him while he tears you apart." I was ready for the close now, "So now it's YOUR last warning Les, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! If you don't you will regret it!"

I disconnected the call, then finally blocked his number. Back in the office we saved the call to the hard drive on the deskphone.

I rang Dave and told him about the call from the Idiot Ex.

"Don't worry baby!" he said reassuringly, "He doesn't know it's me, he doesn't know where I live or anything about me!"

Nothing happened for about two weeks, he was still blocked to my phone and when he rang Izzy to demand to know what was going on, she ripped the shit out of her father for almost ten minutes leaving him a shocked and most apologetic wreck desperate to butt in but unable to.

As for me, I stayed at Dave's place and he came to mine and it got so that I was hardly ever on my own and the farm was rapidly becoming my home, the most wonderful setting, especially for a city chick like me born and raised in the smoke and unused to open spaces, animals and the dawn chorus.

As for me, MY dawn chorus was the gentle feeling of an erecting penis pushing against the cleft of my bottom and then up and into my pussy from the rear, hell but I loved it and missed it!

The Orchard Meadow barbecue that Ed had arranged was soon upon us and as many people as possible were staying over; at the farm, at Grampy John's and even a few camping in tents while John and Chrissie would sleep in the camper van.

Mum would miss this one as she was off on her now regular summer coach trip holiday driving around bits of Europe and stopping in hotels and guesthouses, having gotten well used to visiting Mike in Germany, then popping across to Austria, even a flight to Cyprus when he was posted there.

She was quite the international traveller these days considering she never went anywhere other than the club and the occasional weekend in a holiday camp the Social Services would send us on when Dad was inside for any length of time.

Mike and his partner Mel had already been to my house for dinner to meet and get to know Dave. Mike was still quite rough and tough and outdoorsy and took to Dave quite quickly, and after dinner they were discussing country sports, pigeon shooting to be exact.

"Hell yeah," said Dave, "my two corn fields and my field of peas should've just been harvested by then, I'll lend you a gun!"

"No need!" said Mike almost with a roar, "I'll bring one of mine!"

"What do you have!?" said Dave, and with no further ado his gorgeous partner Melanie, an ex-soldier like him, and I were both left out of the conversation while our men discussed shotguns and cartridge sizes.

The upshot of this was that Dave would organise a shooting party at his place starting at silly o'clock on the Saturday, starting with a rough shoot then a huge breakfast, pigeon shooting over decoys during the day, more rough shooting then the huge barbecue in the evening, and cooked game - hopefully - for lunch on the Sunday.

All was ready, and I left work early on Friday evening bringing Den and her son Rory to meet Izzy and Ed, Mike and Mel and their daughter Charlotte there.

My Ray, Dave's Amy, Gwen and Paul, and Julia and her boyfriend would arrive there at various times on the Saturday and join in the fun.

When we arrived Mike was already there and sat in the garden by the pool, a selection of shotguns around him, Melanie sat with one on her lap, her former career as a military policewoman making her no stranger to that kind of thing, while their daughter Charlotte was already in the pool with Chrissie both laughing and splashing around.

Dave was 'at home' and was handing around drinks and talking guns with Mike. Despite their difference in background and employment they had quickly become firm friends and Mike, who had arrived early, had walked the ground they would be shooting over and with both his military and construction background had redesigned and all but rebuilt Dave's hides for the pigeon shooting over two of his three fields the next day and had brought his bag of decoys.

When I got there I had a kiss and a hug from two of my three favourite men in the world and Den had just the same. After some tea and some beers Mike suggested we all head for the local pub where the catering would be far less complicated.

We did so and had a great time, with just the tiniest suspicion of some of our London accents which Dave swiftly put to bed when he introduced Denise the Nursery teacher, Mike, the man that had led to the arrest of the two villains and Mel the City of London Policewoman to the locals.

With her great body, great looks, not to mention her pretty daughter Charlotte many were surprised that she was in her late thirties.

Then it was back to the farm and an early night for the shooters. Izzy, Mel, Denise, Charlotte and I sat in the warm garden, listening to the trickling of the water and finishing the last of the wine before having hot chocolate.

We put our mugs into the dishwasher and switched it on and I showed the various ladies to where they were sleeping. Finally, and a bit after midnight I stripped naked sliding into the warm bed and pushing up against my warm man. Dave stirred just a tiny bit and turned in his sleep and pulled me into the loveliest spoons cuddle, just as we did most nights I had slept with him. Hmmmmmm...

His alarm pinged quietly four hours later and I waited for him to get up. He did, but not in the way I initially thought he might, and as usual there he was with his early morning erection waking me up and spearing me from behind.

After his initial thrust there were his hands on my boobs and I put mine over the top of his and leaned back against him to enjoy my now most regular form of lovemaking; it was so sweet and nice and gentle yet still passionate that it brought me to my orgasm and still with tingling loins I fell back to sleep, waking an hour later to use his bathroom and wipe away his early morning gift to me.

At a little after five thirty I heard the crack-like repeat of shotguns as the boys walked through Dave's assorted woodland and his stubbly fields, taking out a dozen pigeons, a duck, a couple of rabbits and to their joint joy about half a dozen partridges that Dave reckoned were from some adjacent property. That was most of Sunday lunch sorted and soon Grampy John, Dave and Mike had them gutted, cleaned and hanging in the adjacent shed until the next morning.

I got up and had a shower, waking Izzy and then Denise to come and use the facilities in Dave's room. It wasn't until Den thanked me and said how nice 'my' room was that I really thought about it that way.

Mel and I cooked a huge breakfast for all concerned and we all took the piss out of our partners, husbands, boyfriends and sons-in-law with Mel throwing in that she had counted them all out and then counted them all back.

We all sat up to the huge kitchen table and devoured the mountain of breakfast food, and I went around a second time with more when the menfolk arrived, all smelling wonderfully of fresh air and a hint of gunpowder. It was just the nicest family moment and I loved it.

With the beeping of a horn Dave and the boys were still heads down and tucking into to the food. In a moment of madness I turned to my sister,

"Den," I said looking across at her on her third slice of marmalade toast, "Pop out and see to Griff won't you?"

"Who's Griff?" she said.

I explained about the cows needing milking and Griff would do everything necessary, but she should pop out and take him a cup of tea and a bacon sandwich.

She was basically me but three years younger and if Griff's impressed look at me was anything to go by, I was pretty sure that the recent divorced stockman and my hot sister might have a few things in common.

Far from being some giant country bumpkin, Griff was a university-educated agricultural consultant that specialised in bovine and porcine fertility treatments and ran the milking business as a side-line. He owned a farm about the same size as Dave's and was terribly well spoken and although he occasionally looked like an unshaved scarecrow, I knew Denise would be impressed.

She stood, taking her mug and her toast with her and as she cast a look at me I pulled myself up straight, fluffed my hair and stuck out my tits.

Den saw this, raised her eyebrows, pulled her top straight and down just a touch to improve her cleavage, straightened up and fixed on a smile.

I handed her the mug of tea I'd already poured and put a big sandwich on a plate and she headed out to the yard. She came back in ten minutes later with a request for more tea and a second bacon and egg sandwich and took one from the pile already on the table.

Dave had obviously been watching what was going on and shouted across the room.

"Hey Denny, tell Griff about the barbecue this evening and that he's more than welcome to come along!"

Den rolled her eyes and smiled, obviously not that upset by the option now she'd seen him. We didn't see her for another forty minutes. Griff was normally a lot quicker than that.

We made gallons of tea and handed mugs about the now packed kitchen, and those that felt like it got into swimming costumes and headed out to sit in the pool in the glorious sunshine. Around lunchtime Gwyn and Paul arrived and we ate again, thick crusty bread sandwiches of spit-roasted lamb with Dave's own homemade mint or apple sauce, no vegetarian options on Orchard Meadow Farm, mind you I didn't actually know any.

There was the greatest party atmosphere and we all headed out to the hides for the afternoon shooting with Charlotte, Izzy and Gwyn staying by the pool.

Mike and Dave had already been out to set the decoys, with Mike telling young Chrissie the method in it, and with us all dressed in greens, browns or blacks and various amounts and types of camouflaged clothing, particularly Mike and Mel, we set out to the three big hides to take turns in shooting the rest of tomorrows lunch.

We settled down and waited for the birds to do likewise, and there were whispered discussions between Dave, Paul and Mike over the small radios that my brother had brought with him.

The pigeons were just starting to circle to land but were spooked by something and Dave groaned. After about three minutes I heard a whispered, "WHAT THE FUCK?" come across the radio.

"Is that who I think it is?" said Paul on the radio from another corner of the field.

"I don't fucking believe it," said Mike from his radio. There was a pause, "Fella's? Put your earpieces in and do as I say..."

I looked up and over the edge of the camouflage and there, who would have fucking believed it, the Idiot Ex himself tiptoeing through the stubble like some kind of cockney poacher, in a direct contrast to our subdued clothing there he was in a white shirt (with tea stains down the front) dark blue jeans with pale big turn-ups, elastic sided boots and black braces, his chin sticking out like it was armour plate and storming through the heather borders with all of the Jacobite zeal of Bonnie Prince Charlie and his merry highlanders; only the Idiot Ex would never have worn 'a fuckin' dress'.

It seemed that the Idiot had been trying his own detective work now the two stooges were inside, and he'd happened to spot Mike's big Range Rover with his personalised plates parked on Dave's drive.

"My turn first..." said Dave, slipping past me and leaving me with his empty and broken shotgun and with a corn stalk in his mouth, his faithful dog Russ trotting next to him he looked every inch the country gent.

"Good afternoon?" he said with a big grin.

"Err..." said the Idiot Ex as if he hadn't expected to meet a real person out here in the fields, "'Ello mate," he said, "I'm lookin' for someone..."

"Really?" said Dave, "this is a recently harvested pea field mate, you won't find anyone out here."

"Yeah... well..." said the Idiot, "When I say I'm tryin' to find someone, what I mean is... my mate told me that the bloke I'm lookin' for lives out here somewhere."

"Oh OK, what's your mate's name?"

"Who?"

"The bloke your mate says lives out here that you're looking for, what's his name?"

"Err..." said the Idiot Ex again, looking up at Dave as if this was the most ridiculous question.

"If you're looking for someone, you must know their name at least."

"Ee's a schoolteacher..." said the Idiot.

"A schoolteacher?" the Ex nodded, "No schoolteachers around here mate," Dave looked surprised, "I mean," he waved an arm around his fields and the few wooded copses that his family and my family where currently hidden in, almost all of them carrying a shotgun, "Ain't many classrooms look."

"Nah," said the Idiot Ex, a tiny bit conciliatory, "Nah, I s'pose not."

"Better be on your way then," said Dave.

"Oh, no need for that mate," said the Idiot, after all he knew that his Ex wife's brother was here at least, "I'm just looking for..."

"For your mate, whose name you don't know. Yeah, you already said." Dave took a long breath, "Whoever you are, as you can see we've got no classrooms and only a few weeks ago a couple of dodgy boys just like you got arrested for walking across farm yards and asking stupid questions, so are you going to fuck off or do I need to call the police, 'cos you don't look like you know much about peas other than opening the tins they come in, no disrespect mate."

"I just need..."

"You just need to get off of my land," said Dave, "As I see it you are trespassing on land that you have no need to be on, RUSS!" Dave's soppy and quite silly dog came bounding across to him from the myriad interesting smells that the field contained.

"Oh, no need for that mate," said the Idiot Ex raising his hands slightly and doing that half-turn thing that men do to stop a running dog smacking his big nose into their testicles, little realising that the very worst the Black Flatcoat would do would be to jump up and lick the Idiot's face if he sat down.

"Well fuck off then, there's a good lad."

"But..." The Idiot knew he was on solid ground, and was really struggling.

"But what?"

It came to him, the diamond geezer's way out of this kind of problem.

"What if I paid you?"

"What for?" said Dave sounding just the tiniest bit interested now.

"For information like." said the Idiot jiggling his flat hand.

"What kind of information?"

The Idiot Ex smiled; while pea fields, corn, oilseed rape and drainage ditches were new to him, bunging someone a couple of twenties for a bit of gen was right up his street.

"Weeeell," said the Idiot Ex looking around for the police or perhaps the taxman, anyone really, "My Missus... right?"

"Your Missus? Your Missus... what?"

"My Missus see, she's fucking around wiv' this schoolteacher..."

"Who you don't know,"

"Right," said the Idiot with a big smile, "The bitch is chuckin' it in me face see, and that ain't right is it, right or wrong mate, right or wrong?"

"That don't sound right at all," said Dave, smiling at the big smile the Idiot Ex was giving him, "You been married long?"

"Weell," said the Idiot, "We... we got married almost twen'y-five years ago!"

"That long ago!?" said Dave, "Wow!"

"Yeah, and she's doin' the dirty on me, wiv' this fuckin' schoolteacher from 'rahnd here see."

"Oh that's bang out of order," said Dave, "unless you were divorced of course," he giggled at that.

"Yeah... well..." said the Idiot Ex playing for time and not answering the question, "Divorce..." he paused, "Well divorce now, divorce don't take account o'love see," he looked at Dave with extended arms and look all innocence, "My Sammy," he looked down and took a deep sighing breath, "She broke my 'eart mate, I tell yah straight..."

"Oh mate," said Dave resting a hand on his shoulder, "I'm so sorry, what did she do?"

"She was fuckin' uvvah blokes," he sniffed, "Breaks my 'eart to tell yah but I in't gonna lie 'cos I reckon I trust yah." He folded his arms, resting them on the belly hanging over his belt and stuck out his Churchillian chin again.

I was fuming - hidden not fifteen feet away in my camouflaged hide, but let Dave do his thing.

"Oh bloody hell mate, sorry, what's your name?"

"Les!" he said extending a friendly hand.

Dave took his hand and shook with a big smile on his face,

"I'm Dave," said Dave, "this is my farm," he swung an arm around, "all mine, I don't look after it all the time of course, most of the week I'm an architecture lecturer at the local college."