The Jailhouse Blues Ch. 01

"You mean, if you want to ... retain, Chapman? Yes, BJ, I definitely do, think so. After all, all it would take, is one trumped-up word to the Governor from you. And ..."

"Yes ... You are right, Bel! It would be as simple and easy as that, wouldn't it? Just think, Bel ... I could actually keep hold of Chapman, indefinitely. I mean, what's to stop me? And I'd easily get away with it, wouldn't I?"

"Easily, BJ," said prison officer Bella Donna confidently. She added, assuring her friend and colleague, "I'd back up everything you accused him of, BJ."

"Thanks, Bel. I knew I could count on you."

"Oh, think nothing of it ... But, do you know something, BJ? You've got me thinking ... Seeing as these two are in the same cell, why don't I 'adopt' prisoner Lightwood? And I'll mould him, too, as you call it. Make him adapt himself to all of my own personal ways and likes. That would be nice and convenient, wouldn't it, BJ? We could enjoy our all-nice-and-used-to-us foot slaves together."

"Ha ha ha ha! Bel, and then you would be doing the same thing with prisoner Lightwood, as I've done with prisoner Chapman: Making yourself prisoner Lightwood's first, his last - his everything! Ha ha ha ha! And, with a few trumped-up words of your own, 'report' him to the Governor, too. And on a regular basis, Bel - so that you'll be able to 'retain' Lightwood indefinitely, as well."

"You know something, BJ? I think I'm going to do exactly that ..."

Yup, I thought. Prison officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo are definitely pulling my chain. Did they actually think I was so gullible? Still, I had to admit ... they were both damn fine actresses.

"Ha ha ha ha! Bel! If we get our way, by the time these two are released from Greystone, they won't be golden - but they'll certainly be olden!"

"Ha ha ha ha ha!! You can say that again! Anyway ... why are we still standing here, BJ, chattering away like two old fishwives?" said prison officer Bella Donna, in tones suggesting she was wondering how she could possibly ever be so remiss with such appalling time wasting. "We should be enjoying these two losers' total, one hundred per cent attentions - and I could be making a start on prisoner Lightwood's special training."

Ha ha ha! I laughed to myself. Very convincing, I thought appreciatively. They were both certainly very talented, I had to admit. In fact, I was actually starting to enjoy their 'show'. And, given another minute or two, I might even have started applauding their 'antics' ...

"Prisoner Lightwood!" snapped prison officer Billie Jo. "I'd certainly be interested to know what you, have got to smirk about?"

I mean, yes, I'd already grasped the very obvious fact that prison officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo were a real pair of witches. But, they couldn't really, be serious ... could they? It was unthinkable! I mean, there were systems in place, weren't there? Protocols. Checks and balances. Measures. They couldn't possibly, get away with the sorts of heinously cruel, vilely sadistic things they'd been talking of perpetrating! In a government institution? Nah. The whole thing was just too preposterous for words.

"Come on, BJ. We'll soon wipe that silly smile off his face. Let's tell him and his new friend to assume the position. We know why they are here: They are here because they have no sense of propriety, where females are concerned. And we are here to instruct them: to drill the concept into their stupid thick heads. Oh, I'll teach prisoner Lightwood everything there is to know, about propriety towards females - and then some! Oh yes. I'll soon—"

Interrupted by a sudden burst of static, prison officer Bella Donna went quiet, to listen to the imminent radio message.

"This is Control ... A new prisoner has arrived: Bernard Broadbent, aged twenty-five. He's in for one month, for transgressing the Crimes Against Females Act: One count of Ungentlemanly Conduct. Requesting two officers to attend. Repeat: requesting two officers to attend, to escort prisoner Broadbent to Level One, West Wing, cell seventeen. Over."

I recognised the radio operator's voice. It was prison officer Natalie, one of the two receiving prison officers I'd just met in the security checkpoint building, who'd said they would be having me "for lunch" tomorrow, in the Staff canteen. Her voice sounded different over the radio, a bit tinny, but it was still quite obviously her.

And this new prisoner, this Bernard Broadbent. According to what prison officer Natalie had just said over the radio, he was going to be put in the cell next door.

After a few moments, when no one had responded to prison officer Natalie's general call, prison officer Bella Donna said, "These two aren't going anywhere, BJ. And besides, we'll be escorting prisoner Broadbent right back here anyway, won't we? Right next door, to cell seventeen. If he's well enough behaved, maybe we'll let him watch these two, assuming the position for Foot Service for us. Let him see what he's got to look forward to, as well, for the next month."

A couple of moments later, when still no prison officer had responded to prison officer Natalie's call, after getting the nod from her colleague, prison officer Bella Donna pressed the Send button on her radio. "Control, received. This is officer Bella Donna. Officer Billie Jo and I can attend. ETA four minutes. Over."

Prison officer Natalie's voice came straight back on. "This is Control. Officer Bella Donna, received. Thank you. Please attend. Over and out."

Prison officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo then each slipped a foot from its flip flop, firmly placed their bare sole against my buttocks and propelled me ignominiously into the bleak environs of cell 16. "I thought we'd told you to get in there!" snapped prison officer Bella Donna in annoyance.

They threw the heavy, barred door closed behind me, and it slammed shut with a horribly resounding clang.

Due to the steeply sloped two-foot deep ramp that led into the cell, that I somehow hadn't noticed before, I almost went crashing headlong to the cell's dark-grey painted smooth-concrete floor, only narrowly managing to avoid a potentially nasty fall.

But before I had time to wonder about that aspect of the cell's curious layout - and not just the ramp, but also the eight torpedo-tube like holes that were set into the wall under the cell's bars - my two tormentors were sniping at me again.

"Don't get too comfortable, prisoner Lightwood," sneered prison officer Bella Donna. "We'll be back before you know it. And then, trust me: I'm going to start making your life very interesting indeed."

"That's right," agreed prison officer Billie Jo. "We'll be back in a jiff. So don't bother putting the coffee percolator on. Or watching a bit of satellite TV - or taking in a movie," she jibed.

"And put your prisoner's uniform on!" ordered prison officer Bella Donna. "When I get back, I want to see you changed into your tee-shirt, shorts, and bootees."

With that, prison officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo abruptly turned and walked away, their thin-rubber soled flip flops, sounding all business-like and on-a-mission as they slap slap slap slapped against the bottoms of their bare heels as they went, and resounding even more loudly - and maddeningly - up here on the Levels.

I stood there, glumly listening to the receding echoes of what I would soon come to recognise as prison officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo's dreaded signature sounds.

*

Dear reader,

I now meet my cellmate, who soon disabuses me of my naive, rose-tinted-glasses notions, and gives me the real lowdown on what's actually in store for me, in HM Prison: Greystone ...

"So, I see you've met Poison Ivy and her friend, then. And, unfortunately for you, from what I've just heard Poison Ivy has definitely got her dark designs on you," said my cellmate, by means of breaking the ice.

"Ross. Ross Chapman," he said, holding out his hand for me to shake.

"Len. Len Lightwood. Lenny, to my friends," I said, shaking Ross's proffered hand.

"Well, I'm glad to meet you then, Lenny ... only I wish it could have been under better circumstances than these."

Ross was sitting on the edge of the lower bunk. "I hope you don't mind taking the top bunk, Lenny? Only I'm beginning to get used to this one, after nearly four months."

"That's okay with me, Ross. You were here first, after all. Anyway, the bunks look equally uncomfortable to me."

"Yeah, pretty much," said Ross. "And anyway, I'm only here for one more week. So you can have the bottom bunk yourself then, if you want it."

"Thanks," I said. Then, "Er ... what was that you said before, Ross? Something about dark designs, and poison ivy?"

"Oh, that. That's just my nickname for her - for prison officer Bella Donna."

I must have been blank-faced, because Ross said, "What? Don't you get it? Bella Donna ... Poison Ivy ... Bella Donna. Get it now?"

Well no, I still didn't get it, and it must have shown on my face.

"The plant, Lenny: Deadly nightshade. It's a poisonous plant. And deadly nightshade is also known as belladonna. So: Bella Donna ... belladonna ... Poison Ivy ... See now? It's just a play on words."

"Oh, yes. Now I get it," I said. "I never knew that before. But I can already see why you call her that. It's pretty apt, from what I've seen of her so far."

"Oh, trust me, you've seen nothing yet, Lenny," said Ross ominously. "Nothing."

"No?"

"No. But you'll soon get an idea. Just as soon as those two get back here - and they won't be long, either, maybe fifteen minutes or so. Remember? They're bringing our new neighbour, this Bernard Broadbent bloke. Oh, and what they were both talking about, just now? About 'retaining' us? Lenny, if you value your freedom, don't - not for one second - think that they didn't mean exactly what they were saying. Don't give either of them the slightest chance to go reporting you to the Governor - because they'll take it. Snatch it with both hands. You are going to have to watch your every step, mate, with both of them ... And so am I, too, from what I've just heard. It sounds like prison officer Billie Jo has gotten a bit too used to having me around. But, at least I've only got one more week now, to survive."

Hmm ... my cellmate is given to exaggeration somewhat, I thought. I was inclined to take what Ross had just told me with a big pinch of salt.

Surely, prison officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo hadn't been serious, just now, as my cellmate now seemed to be seriously suggesting?

Surely, the prison officers' outrageous actions couldn't be officially sanctioned?

Surely, their flippant little chat was all a show, purely for their own wicked amusement? Just like prison officers Natalie and Melanie's? Just a mischievous show, that they had off pat; memorised, word-perfect? A just-for-a-laugh, malicious mickey-take - but nothing more harmful than that - that they pulled on a new prisoner, now and then, when things were a bit quiet? To try and put the frighteners on him? To try and con the con, as it were, just for the sheer fun of it?

Surely, prison officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo wouldn't report prisoners to the Governor on trumped-up charges? Just to "retain" them. Just to "keep hold of" them, for their own personal, depraved reasons? I mean, what order of magnitude of corruption would that be?

Surely, their casual, no-big-deal, matter-of-fact sounding talk of all that, right in front of me, had been just one big wind-up? One big leg-pull?

Surely ...?

Changing the subject, to get back on solid ground, I said, "I'm in for three months, for three counts of Ungentlemanly Conduct. What about you, Ross?"

"Ungentlemanly Conduct, too. One count - one month: For failing, when commuting to work on the bus, to offer my seat to a lady who was standing."

"Ungentlemanly Conduct?" I said, puzzled. "But, Ross, Ungentlemanly Conduct is brand-new legislation, only starting from today. So how come you've already been collared for it? In my case, I was arrested at Heathrow Airport this morning by two CSO's - and then my feet didn't touch the ground: I was formally charged, promptly taken to appear at Sodbury Crown Court, was found guilty, and then transported in a godawful Securi-Fem prisoner transport van to this place by mid-afternoon."

"Ah. You haven't heard, then, Lenny. But then, not many people have - outside of Guildford, that is."

"Guildford?" I said.

"Yes, it's where I'm from. See, Lenny, Guildford - well, and Norwich and Preston and Milton Keynes too - were the four towns chosen by the Authoritarian Female Party as the places to pilot the Social Awareness Programme. A scheme, in which infringements of the rules by males would lead to charges of Ungentlemanly Conduct.

"It wasn't widely advertised, at the time. Just locally, in those four towns. The AFP kept the experiment low-key, Lenny. They wanted to keep a lid on it, and see if the males of Guildford and Norwich and Preston and Milton Keynes were going to swallow it."

This was unbelievable! I thought. The Social Awareness Programme? What the hell next?

Ross went on, "I hadn't even been aware that there had been a lady standing, on the bus - she'd been standing behind where I was sitting. Or of course, just out of sheer courtesy and politeness I would immediately have insisted upon her availing herself of my seat. But, under the new Social Awareness Programme regulations, Lenny, we're supposed to remain alert, and always be on the lookout and considerate of that sort of thing now."

"But, Ross, what I don't get, is that you said you were given one month, and you've now been here for nearly four months? Remember? About your bunk? You said you were just starting to get comfortable in it, after nearly four months, and—"

"Comfortable? In these things?" exclaimed Ross, slapping his mean mattress's dark grey scratchy bedclothes disgustedly. "I said I was just beginning to get used to it - which is a very different thing."

"You are playing with words again, mate," I said, impatient to get to the meat of my cellmate's story. "You haven't explained why you are still here, after nearly four months, when you said you were only sentenced to one month."

"Lenny, Lenny ... weren't you listening, just now? To what prison officer Billie Jo said? And to what prison officer Bella Donna was saying? And didn't the receiving prison officers give you the heads-up, when you arrived?"

And it was now, that it finally sunk in.

Now, that I suddenly saw things for what they really were. Saw, what had been so obviously staring me in the face the whole time. Only I'd refused to see it, until now - wouldn't see it: The truth.

It was written all over my cellmate's miserable face ... the irrefutable evidence.

Now, there was just no getting away from it. No hiding from it - and no more denying it.

No more denying reality.

No. There could be no more self-delusion. No more pulling the wool over my own eyes. No more kidding myself ... no more retreating, from an uncomfortable and unpalatable awareness.

"What ...?" I said, shocked and stunned, as awful realisation dawned, and I was finally forced to confront the unthinkable realities of my nightmarish new existence.

Shocked and stunned, as the scales finally fell from my eyes.

Rocked, as I woke up and smelled the coffee, and the actual, terrible truth now finally began to dawn on me in full. The actual, terrible truth, that was written all over Ross's utterly wretched face ...

That prison officers Natalie and Melanie hadn't, after all, been having me on. And, that they would, in all likelihood, keep to their vengeful promise of depriving me of my sleep ("and, trust me: we've got the perfect 'smelling salts', to keep you awake with"), with an all-night Foot Service session the next time they were on their hated Night Duty, for "getting off on the wrong foot" with them both. ("If we, can't get a good night's sleep, why should we let ill-behaved prisoners like you sleep?").

And, that prison officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo hadn't, after all, been pulling my leg either: That prison officer Bella Donna actually would, in all likelihood, seek to "retain" me indefinitely, for her own supremely selfish reasons. (Prison officer Billie Jo: "By the time these two are released from Greystone, they won't be golden - but they'll certainly be olden!" - Prison officer Bella Donna: "Ha ha ha ha ha!! You can say that again!").

"But ... but I thought she and prison officer Bella Donna were just joking! How ... how could they not be?" I spluttered in stunned consternation, still struggling to accept it - still struggling to come to terms, with the actual, terrible truth.

My cellmate just stared back at me, pityingly.

"I thought that - that they ..." I stammered, trying to find the words. "That they were both just talking a load of ... scaremongering waffle! You know? I thought it was all just a lot of leg-pulling gibberish. That they were just trying to wind me up! That it was just some ... some elaborate, mischievous stunt, that they sometimes pulled on new prisoners. For a laugh!"

Shaking his head in sad exasperation, Ross said, "No. They weren't joking, Lenny. That's what I'm trying to get through to you."

"I ... from what the judge at Sodbury Crown Court told me, I thought I was going to be stuck in some classroom all day, being ... well, brainwashed."

More sad shaking of the head from Ross. "There's plenty of brainwashing ... but no classroom, Lenny."

"Hell!" I said. "So ... so it's actually true, then ... extra time really has, been added on to your sentence? Because of prison officer Billie Jo? The judge at Sodbury Crown Court told me that can happen - if the prison officers here recommend it."

"Bingo! You just hit the nail on the head, Lenny: If the prison officers here recommend it.

"And, guess what? Prison officer Billie Jo has done exactly that - three times. Just like she said: for three separate offences of non-compliance. For each new offence, I was awarded one extra month in Greystone. Remember, Lenny? Prison officer Billie Jo mentioned it earlier - and she told it just the way it happened: That she'd gone to the Governor's office to report me, and to recommend that extra time be added onto my sentence. And she'd said that the Governor signed-off on it, just like she always does. Remember, Lenny?"

"But ... I thought ... Hell! I can still hardly believe it, Ross. Even now. I mean, it was all just so ... outlandish. I thought she was just—"

"Pulling your chain?"

"Yes! I mean, come on! Not for a moment, did I think she was actually being serious, about ... 'retaining' you. About 'moulding' you, to her 'own personal ways and likes'. About her being your first, your last - your every—"

"Well, she was. But, like prison officer Billie Jo said, I've given her no further reason for complaint, since then - not a one! It's been hard ... oh, it's been hard! But I've kept my head down, and I've kept my nose clean, and I've obeyed all of her orders - all of them. And I'm nearly there now, Lenny - I'm nearly there! I've only got one more week left to serve, and then I'm out of here. And then you won't see me for dust - and I'll never look back!"

"But, what did you do, Ross? What were the three offences, that got you an extra three months in this horrible place?"

"It was on my very first day here, when I committed my first offence - and that's when lots of prisoners get caught out, Lenny. So you'll have to be especially wary of that: be continually on your guard, ever vigilant against falling into the prison officers' traps."

"Right," I said.

"I disobeyed prison officer Billie Jo's order. She was calling me to Foot Service, and I wouldn't 'assume the position' - that's what they call it here, Lenny: assuming the position. She summoned me to Foot Service ... and I said no."