The Last to Know

In the early stages of my recovery they had allowed me to see James. I had been assured that the transplant went well and he was recovering nicely. He would, however, spend quite a long time in ICU. I had been moved to a semi-private ward after 2 days. I wondered if James would be moved into the ward with me; it would make sense for us and for visitors.

Early one afternoon I woke up from one of my many naps and sensed that someone was sitting beside my bed. The room was fairly dark, but I could tell it was a 'her' though I couldn't make out any features. Whoever she was, wasn't at first aware I was awake until I stirred and reached to get some water.

"Hello, Jack," said Bev.

Chapter 5

My name is Beverly Sharon Ames, and this is about how, because of one stupid immature moment, I totally screwed up my life and basically ruined that of a good, innocent man.

Jack and I met in high school and were pretty much inseparable from the start. We dated through university, though we never lived together, and married just after we both graduated. I was a nurse and got hired on as an OR nurse with St. Paul's Hospital in Vancouver. Jack had a job waiting for him at a large software development company located near the downtown area.

We had a good life. We made love whenever the urge took us; there was no 'schedule' or date. We were both paid well and were able to buy a small house on a good sized lot in Vancouver's trendy West End. There were, and are, lots of young professionals living in that area. We did all the usual things that young couples do and we had a very active social life. Both of our parents had passed, within months of each other, and it allowed us to be debt free except for the mortgage on our house. It seemed we were always on the go, and loved living that life.

One day I was having lunch with a couple of other nurses in the cafeteria when one mentioned that she had seen my husband, Jack, having lunch with a very attractive woman, and that they seemed to be on more than friendly terms. I thought nothing much of it at the time; Jack was always having lunch with clients or even his team members.

The following weekend was nothing special until Jack got called into work to help his team troubleshoot a problem they had been working on all weekend. As leader, he usually would only be called in on the weekend if there was some sort of emergency. I didn't see him until late Sunday night, and by the time I got up Monday he had already left for work. I hardly saw him all week; he was gone before me in the morning and usually arrived home late, much later than usual, would have something to eat and collapse into bed, and the whole thing repeated for the entire week.

Because of this, for some reason I remembered the conversation of the previous week and came to the conclusion that he wasn't working, he was having an affair. Stupid and immature, I know. When the situation kept repeating, by Wednesday night I was convinced. Thursday I arranged for an indefinite leave of absence to begin the next day. Of course, Friday he was gone before I got up as he had been all week. Shortly after he left for work, I packed everything I owned, or thought was mine, into my car. I had found, by chance, a fully furnished apartment in the nearby city of Burnaby. I could commute to work by transit since it ran right past the front door of the apartment block. When I left the house for the last time, I never even left a note for Jack to tell him I was pregnant and he was going to be the father of twins, or why I was leaving.

I settled into my apartment and found a lawyer who specialized in divorce cases. After some discussion we decided that the reason would be irreconcilable differences as opposed to adultery since I really had no evidence to support that. I also had him stipulate that my whereabouts or contact information was absolutely not to be provided to Jack or his lawyer. My lawyer received the documents back, signed, about 2 weeks later. Attached was a note from Jack asking why I had left. I never did reply; in hindsight, which is always 20/20, I wish I had, or even better, that he had contested the divorce.

After about 2 months I went back to work. I could work up to about the 8th month of my pregnancy which was going well. Except for the huge hole in my heart, I was doing okay. It must have been about 3 months after the divorce was final that I met his PA, Pat. Of course she accosted me, asking why I had ruined a good man's life; left him without a word. I'm afraid I wasn't very pleasant to her, since I believed at the time I was the wronged party. She adamantly defended Jack and even persuaded me to accompany her back to her office so I could see for myself that Jack was totally innocent.

Pat was able to show me, since she had all his calendars for the years he'd worked there, that the woman in question was head of marketing for the company, and if I wanted confirmation that it was business she, Pat, would arrange a meeting. Everyone knew Jack had a good working relationship with the various department heads. All he had done was have lunch with a colleague.

I'm afraid at that point that I totally lost it. I was embarrassed, of course, but worse I was just now realizing how wrong I had been to doubt the love of my husband, the love of Jack. The enormity set in and the staff at his office, or what used to be his office, almost had to call an ambulance. I was nearly hysterical.

I managed to settle down enough to thank Pat, determine that nobody had heard anything from Jack since he'd quit, and leave her my contact information in case they ever did hear from him. I went back to my apartment and cried myself to sleep. I must have slept, finally, for about 10 hours. I called the lawyer that Jack had used for the divorce and arranged to meet him. He provided me information for a bank account that Jack had opened for me, along with an accounting of the sale of the house. The lawyer had no idea where Jack had gone, and hadn't heard from him since the sale of the house. Jack had disappeared.

Everything I tried came up empty. Nobody we knew or ever socialized with had heard a thing about him or from him since the day of the divorce or since he had left. I was on my own with 2 babies due in a couple of months, and it was nobody's fault but mine.

After the kids were born I went back to work. Because of the money Jack had left for me, we lived better than most single parent families. Jessica and James grew up to be funny, smart young people. They always had good grades throughout school and no parent was prouder when they walked across the stage to graduate from high school. The both had academic scholarships to university.

It was about this time that James became sick. When he finally got to see a specialist, the news wasn't good. He needed a liver transplant from a male donor who was also a family member. I could only think of one possibility, Jack, and nobody knew where he was. I wasn't aware that the kids had managed to find their father using the internet. I seldom used a computer, used to doing things the old fashioned way like telephone and actually writing letters (snail mail as the kids call it).

After they had graduated they advised me that they were taking a vacation and flying to the East Coast since they had never seen it. Although I was somewhat surprised at their choice, I trust them and they made the arrangements. They left about the middle of May. They returned about 10 days later. I knew from their demeanour that something was going on, but for the life of me I couldn't figure out what it was. There were numerous hushed phone calls, late evening emailing and the like. I could only surmise it had something to do with James illness. The fact that they were actually corresponding with Jack never occurred to me. Dumb, I know, but I didn't understand the power of the internet and how well my kids had adapted to it.

Finally the day came when they were to fly back to Halifax. That's when Jessica broke down and told me everything about why they had gone to the East Coast, how they had found, and met, Jack, and how he had agreed to donate part of his liver to James. That accounted for all the secret phone calls and emails.

I was really pissed at the two of them for holding out on me until they told me of the conditions for the transplant; I was not to be informed, at least his whereabouts. Jessica and James had sat down one night and discussed it at some length. They decided since he was going East for major surgery, I had to be told, even though the one major condition for Jack agreeing to the transplant had been broken. They vowed to keep that betrayal from him.

They flew to the East Coast the next morning. I was torn in 10 different directions. Should I leave things as they are since we had both gone on with our lives? Should I fly down? What would I say to Jack? Could I really expect him to forgive me after all these years? Did I even deserve to be forgiven? I thought and thought about it for 2 days then decided that I would take some vacation time and fly down to Halifax, but I wouldn't tell Jessica or James until I actually arrived. I'd call Jessica on her cell from the Halifax airport.

I flew out to Halifax on the same flight as the kids, only 5 days later. James had had his surgery and was improving daily. Jessica didn't mention Jack. I called Jessica as soon as I got off the plane while waiting for my baggage. Here it was the height of tourist season and I hadn't even booked a hotel room. I hoped I'd be able to stay with Jessica, at least for a few days.

Jessica was a bit upset when I called. It turns out she was living in Jack's house while he was in the hospital. Now I didn't know what to do. Jessica did drive out and pick me up. We talked about it on the way back into Halifax and decided to go straight to the hospital. Accommodations could be sorted out later. First we went to see James. He seemed to be doing quite well, and said he felt a lot better; weak but better. He made a few jokes about his condition; I knew he was on the mend. He hoped to be moved from the ICU in a couple of days.

I didn't want to go, but Jessica dragged me down to Jack's room before she returned to talk to James. It was a two-bed ward, but the second bed was empty. I looked down at the man I had wronged. He was just as I remembered him, though he'd lost some hair and was greying. Other than that, he was almost exactly like I remembered; and exactly who I had loved and wronged.

He awoke, stirred and reached for a water glass. I said, "Hello. Jack."

Chapter 6

It took me a few moments to realize that it was Bev standing there. What was she doing here? How did she know? Jessica and James would have some explaining to do. As it was, I had no desire to interact with Bev, or talk to her at all. I pushed the call button for the nurse who came into the room almost instantly.

"Mr. Ames, are you okay? Do you need anything?"

"Yes," I croaked, "get her out of here. I don't want any visitors."

The nurse escorted Bev out before she had a chance to say any more. That part of my life was over and I had no desire to re-visit it.

Jessica came into the room a short time later, after visiting James. "Dad, I'm sorry. We told her before we flew out here, but didn't know she was going to fly out as well. I didn't know until she called me from the airport."

"What does the phrase 'between the 3 of us' mean to you? You and James gave me your word. Looks to me like you can't be trusted." I managed to croak out.

"Dad, I hoped you wouldn't feel that way. Yes, we had to tell her. She would have figured it out anyway. She's an OR nurse for god's sake. I honestly had no idea she would fly down here. Can we talk about this later? We have to find somewhere for her to stay."

In my croaking voice I said, "If I was feeling any better, you both would be looking. I'm really, really pissed and disappointed in you. When you give your word it's supposed to mean something, it builds a trust. If you break your word, you break the trust. You're going to find life really hard if you can't keep your word. Now get out of here. I don't want to talk to you." I turned my head away so she couldn't see the hurt in my eyes. She left the ward, quietly crying.

Eventually I went back to sleep. As the doctor said, rest was the best medicine. It was easy to get my body to rest, I was too sore to move much, but not so easy for my mind. I was really pissed at the two kids, well, young adults I guess. But as much as I was upset, I felt that sometime I should hear from Bev exactly why she left me without a word. I'd have to think about it for awhile. I was far too tired and upset to think rationally.

* * * *

At Jessica's suggestion and Gordon and Heather's insistence after Jessica asked them, Bev moved into the 3rd bedroom of Jack's home. She didn't have too many affordable choices. The room was pretty much bare except for a bed and nightstand; obviously it was used mostly for storage.

Heather came over shortly after Bev and Jessica arrived from the hospital. She knew about Jessica and James, but nothing of Bev, or even who she was. After meeting Bev, Heather knew this situation was going to be, to say the least, awkward. She knew Jack was divorced, of course, but he had never discussed the matter. She knew he seemed content to live by himself and have a quiet, uneventful life.

Over coffee the 3 women discussed what should be done. It wouldn't be fair to ask Bev to move, and there was little likelihood of her finding somewhere to stay for more than a night or two. After a lot of talking about the various alternatives, they decided that Bev would stay there, at least for the time being, and nothing would be said to Jack. If she was still here when he was released from hospital, they would deal with that at that time.

The following day Jessica and Bev went to visit James. They didn't want to take a chance of further aggravating Jack so didn't go to his room, or even let him know they had been visiting. They were still with James when Gordon and Heather came to visit Jack.

* * * *

The next day my partner and his wife showed up for a visit. They were busy helping at the campground; it was that time of year, and it was pretty much full every night. Gordon said the usual platitudes and hoped I'd get well. Heather, on the other hand, said she wanted to get something off her chest. She had met and chatted with both Jessica and Bev yesterday.

"Jack, I know it's not my, Gordon and me, it's not our place to tell you how to run your life. But I have to say this. You really should talk with those 2 women. I think Jessica is more upset at herself than you for not keeping her word. After she left the hospital yesterday, she was feeling pretty miserable. Yes, she broke her word, but to a certain extent you have to look at it from her point of view. They were coming here so her brother could have major surgery. Bev is a nurse, there's no way on God's Green Earth they'd be able to hide that from her. They did well to keep the secret as long as they did."

"Uh huh," I muttered, "where I come from your word means everything. If they wanted to tell their mother, why didn't they ask me first?"

"I can't answer that. All I can say is they're both extremely grateful to you for your sacrifice, and yes, that's exactly what it is. I, me and Gordon, don't know the story with your ex, you've never mentioned it and we didn't feel it to be in our place to ask. My point is, now that she's here, maybe you should sit down and talk with her once you're out of here and feeling better. She says she'll be here for a few weeks, until James is back on his feet."

"And exactly what would that do beside dredge up memories best forgotten?" I wasn't going to let her off that easy. "I have a life here, a good life. I'm quite content living the way I do. All those memories will just bring back the hurt and betrayal. I don't need that."

Heather was more insightful than I gave her credit for, "Yeah, you're content, but you're not happy. There's a huge difference. You teach, you consult then you go home to that huge empty house. You may be content, but that's all you are, and you're content by yourself."

"Yeah, you're right. But if want to argue about it, you'll lose. I'm by myself by choice. After what Bev did to me I made a pact with myself that I would never, ever allow myself to be put in a position where that could happen again. I made that pact to myself over 20 years ago, and I haven't seen one single thing that would make me change my mind, nothing," my voice was quickly tiring, as was I. This was taking more out of me than I had to give. "Look, I appreciate what you're saying. We'll agree to disagree on this. Now, I'm getting pretty tired and losing my voice. Can we do this another day?"

"Of course Jack. Sorry to lecture you. Sometimes I get carried away." She gave me a light peck on the cheek and left, followed by Gordon after he just patted me on the shoulder and gave me a small grin. He didn't need to say anything; he could sense what I was thinking.

Over the ensuing few days I received more and more visits from the surgeon who had operated on me. I should have been getting stronger, but wasn't. The doctor who performed the actual transplant had returned to British Columbia as soon as he was satisfied that James was on the mend. I didn't realize it at the time, but I had developed a post-operative infection and was running a fever. Antibiotics were having little effect and it looked like they might have to open me up again. That decision was made for them when I lapsed into unconsciousness in the middle of the night. I guess all the machines I was hooked up to started beeping and sounding some kind of alarm. I didn't wake up until 2 days later; I was back in ICU.

A nurse was in the room with me, monitoring everything, taking temperatures, blood pressure and all the rest of it. She saw that I was sort of awake.

"Mr. Ames. Welcome back. We were really worried about you. I'll let the surgeon know you're back with us. Be right back." She quickly left the room, only to reappear a few minutes later. "Okay, we advised the surgeon. He's in OR right now but will come in as soon as he's finished there. Meanwhile, you just rest. Someone will be with you at all times until they tell us different."

I just nodded my head a bit. I couldn't do much else with a tube down my throat and wires running everywhere. When I awoke awhile later the surgeon was in the room discussing me, quietly, with the nurse. They noticed that I was again conscious.

"Mr. Ames. I'm Dr. Hartley. You gave us quite a scare. You developed a post-op infection from your first surgery when you donated part of your liver. We tried to fight it with just antibiotics but they didn't work. I had to operate again to discover the source of the infection. You had an abcess; we don't know exactly why, but it does happen. You're on very strong antibiotics and will be for awhile. Your fever has abated somewhat, but we'll be monitoring you here in ICU for a few days. You just continue to rest. That's the best medicine we can give you. I'll check in everyday. Meanwhile, the staff will take good care of you." He made some notes on my chart and left the room.

The nurse came over and fluffed my pillow and asked if I was comfortable. I didn't honestly know. I hurt all over. Mercifully I went back to sleep.

The next time I woke up Jessica was sitting beside my bed, reading a novel. As soon as she noticed I was awake she left to let the nurses know and came back.

"Dad. We were so scared. We, me and James, don't want to lose you again." She looked like she was crying, or at least had been. "As soon as a nurse comes, I'll go let James know. He's worried sick. He's getting better and might be released in a few weeks. He's down in the same room you were in before they had to operate again."