The Letter

We both went home quite happy and not just because of the beer. He had a plan for improving his sex life and then she might marry him. And I'd given him peace of mind. I'd given two of my best friends hope.

I did what I told Brian I would do, I went to the hotel at lunchtime on Tuesday, found a quiet corner, I saw Claire arrive and head towards the swimming pool, on Wednesday straight to the gym. Thursday was different and it worried me, she came in and went straight to the lift. It went up to the 4th floor. There is no way was I going to get up there to see where she went.

It was just over an hour later when she came out of the lift at the same time as a young man. They didn't appear to be together. They seemed to ignore each other, they didn't talk. In fact, they seemed to studiously ignore each other. The young man went to the desk and Claire went out of the hotel. Just a little off I thought. The hairs stood up on the back of my neck for no apparent reason.

All three of us got together in the pub on Saturday night, I got some light hearted stick from Claire because I hadn't phoned any of the girls in her office. It appears me in thinking mode, trying to help my friends portrayed me as a dark, silent, handsome, enigmatic, mystery man that some of the girls in her office wanted to explore. That's bollocks I was just thinking about my mates. But hey let's take advantage of it, Claire suggested that Shirley was a bit of fun. I had her number so made a date with her for Sunday night. Whilst Brian was at the bar getting some more drinks Claire leaned across to me and said. "I don't know what you told him last week, but last night was definitely an improvement. There's a way to go yet, but he even seems to want to talk about it. Although I thought I heard him say Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth the Second at some stage of the game."

I went to watch Brian play football on Sunday morning; Claire was there as usual. I stood next to her, not too close, she's not my girlfriend but she's nice to be around. Without probing too hard I asked if the chatting have got any better, she gave me a sideways glance smiled and said. "He's talking about stuff, thank you."

Brian caught me in the bar after the match whilst Claire was away powdering her nose. "Hey mate thanks for the tip, Googling how to improve your sex life took me to a whole load of women's magazines, not what I was expecting, bloody hell women are weird. It appears they want to talk, anyway I've got nothing to lose, if I want to marry her, I'm going to have to give it a go. Thanks mate you should try taking your own advice."

I responded in the usual mate's way, "fuck off twat."

I felt guilty on Tuesday when I went to the hotel at lunchtime, but Claire went straight to the swimming pool, and on Wednesday straight to the gym. I was still unhappy about Thursday, so I arrived well early, and I saw the young man that had come out of the lift with Claire go to reception. I had an uneasy feeling. I went and into the lift with him, and we went to the third floor, I got out at the same time as he did and tried to look confused. That wasn't difficult. I watched which room he went into and found myself a quiet corner hoping upon hope for nothing to happen.

I was wrong; about 10 minutes later Claire came out of the and lift and went to the same room. Fuck, now what the fuck was I going to do. This could easily destroy people that I loved. Thats if she hadn't done it already. I went downstairs and waited in the lobby. I decided to give her one chance and see what she said.

The same as last week they both got out of the lift together, this time before they could separate, I placed myself off in front of the pair of them. Claire's face dropped. "Oh fuck." The chap stepped towards me, Claire laid a hand on his arm and shook her head. She looked at him and said, "Richard. goodbye. I won't be seeing you again, do not contact me." He walked away looking confused.

She reached a hand out to me and I could see her eyes were filling with tears. She pulled me towards a corner of the lounge with an alcove, I followed her.

The first thing she said surprised me full stone cold. "Dave, this is exactly what it seems like. And I'm going to throw myself on your mercy. I will answer any of your questions, absolute truthfully and honestly. And at the end if you feel the need to tell Brian what you have seen and what I'm about to tell you, it will still be absolutely and unequivocally my fault. No blame will fall on you." With that she picked up her phone and I heard her tell her office she wasn't coming in this afternoon, she had something much more important than work to sort out.

I was caught off guard, I had nowhere to start with this. And Claire could see this, she waved across a waiter and ordered a Guinness and a white wine, she was very professional and business like. I'd never seen her like this before, why would I, we don't mix in the same work circles. Tears were still in her eyes when she said to me. "Have you got the rest of the afternoon; this may take that long." I just nodded.

We sat there in silence waiting for our drinks to arrive, Guinness can take a long time to pour, she sat there patiently and calmly but the tears were now trickling down her cheeks which she dabbed away occasionally with her handkerchief.

I took a drink of my Guinness; I think I sank half the pint in one go. She waved to the waiter for another one. Looking at me with sad eyes she said. "After our chat at the party you have probably worked out some of this. Do you want me to tell the story, or do you just want to ask questions?"

I hadn't got a fucking clue. I put on a confidence I didn't feel and said, "you tell the story, and I will ask questions as you go along."

She wiped her tears away, again. "It's like I said at the party the other night, I need more than Brian can give me; and he wouldn't talk about it. I couldn't see a way around it. Richard just feels that fills that hole; shit I didn't mean that, fills that need. This may be hard for you to believe, a lot of men can do this, but I can detach sex from making love. Sometimes I want to be cuddled, made love to and wake up engulfed in arms of a man who loves me. And sometimes I just need a good fucking. I'm sorry, this is going to hurt you; Brian can't give me the second one yet. He came bloody close on Saturday. Richard just fulfils the second part. I couldn't see a way forward, to stay with Brian and get the sex I needed. And before you ask, I don't work with him, he was somebody I met at a get together for solicitors across town. He's married and has no intention of leaving his wife, I'm just his bit on the side. We met up once or twice a month when I have the need, it's rare to do it two weeks on the trot, but he's ticked the good fucking box so when Brian comes back on Friday, I can do the cuddling in the arms of the man who loves me. That may not sound like sense to you, but it does to me, any questions yet?" She was still very business like, it was as if she had a shield up.

"Several, but I'm trying to sort out how much I really want to know, which questions are important, which answers are important. So, some of these are not relevant because I don't know what is. Like where did you meet him and who propositioned who. Doesn't matter where you met him but who made the first move?"

"That one's easy, he overheard me saying 'I could do with a good fucking', he turned to me and said, 'I could do that for pretty lady as long as my wife doesn't find out.' I thought he was joking. Later he caught me that coming out of the ladies' loo, took my hand and led me into one of the partners offices. I'm not going to go into the details, but I got what I asked for.

"Are you sorry?"

"That's the difficult one. Am I sorry you caught me? I don't know. Part of me says I'm glad I got it out in the open, part me says I'm glad you've given me a reason to stop, even if Brian dumps me. Part of me is sorry that I'm not going to get a good shag any longer, I will miss it. Sorry I had to step out on Brian, yes absolutely. I don't want to say anything against Brian because it's not his fault, it's all my doing. I should've been stronger. Was I going to carry on, I don't know but probably not, now that Brian is getting better. Brian and I have started to talk, and he took some of my suggestions on Sunday evening, so I could see a time when there is no need for Richard. Anyway, you forced me, there is no more Richard, I'm not sorry about that."

She'd answered several of my questions all in one go. even those I didn't know I wanted the answers to or in fact was going to ask. I didn't want to know how many times, once, was enough. I wasn't Brian and this was going to hurt him, it hurt me and whilst she was dear to me, I didn't love her like Brian loved her.

"Do you love Brian?"

She didn't answer as I expected. "You've seen us together, what do you think? I know you seeing me with Richard puts a doubt on that, but to answer your question. Yes, absolutely; I was planning to grow a pair and the next time he asked me to marry him I was going to say yes.

"You're going to think me a conniving, cheating bitch; and of course, you're right. You're also going to ask me if I would do it again. I've thought about that a lot and if Richard hadn't taken the lead, then 'no'. I never went looking to get shagged.

"You're going to ask me if he is better than Brian, yes of course he's better than Brian in the pure fucking stakes otherwise I wouldn't be doing it. This is not an excuse. but if both Brian and I could just talk about it, and he would listen to me he could be so much better. Bloody hell he got better just chatting to you for one night. We're not there yet and I would still love to know where Margaret Thatcher comes into it?"

Looking across at her, "you seem to have all this planned out, you've answered all my questions as if you knew you were going to get caught. In fact, you've answered some that I wasn't going to ask."

"No, I never expected to get caught, they're the excuses I've been using to justifying this to myself. But to be honest with you once I leave Richard, I forget about him until I get the itch. How did you catch us by the way. When we walked out of the lift, we could've been anybody, but the look on your face almost killed me and I wasn't going to lie to you."

I told her Brian had doubts with all the increased requests for sex, almost as if it was guilty sex, she looked aghast at that, and to put his mind at rest I offered to follow her because I was certain there was nothing happening, and I'd got receipts from the hotel to prove to Brian that I'd been here, and I was going to make him pay for my coffee and beer. I told her I saw her last Thursday and although there was nothing inappropriate, when I saw her with that chap, it put the hairs up on the back of my neck. So, I got here early this week and saw Richard booking in and followed him to a room and saw her go into the same room.

"Shit." she said, "it wasn't guilty sex I was just trying to make him better; I was just trying to make him into the lover I know he can be, he's good at everything else he does, he just needs a little help with this, oh fuck."

I had several things to think about. "I've got a couple of questions. Why haven't you asked me not to tell Brian?"

That seemed to throw her. "I wouldn't do that to you, that would be unfair to the both of you. I wouldn't ask you to choose between me or him. I know some of the things you two have got up to in the past and how you've looked after each other. I wouldn't ask you to put me before him. I know you like me, but not that much. Sorry, I like you, you're a good friend, so I couldn't do that to you either."

"Before you tell Brian can I ask you a favour? One last one because he will surely leave me, throw me out. And I don't expect you'll be my friend much longer." She reached across the table to take my hand. I pulled it back as if I'd been bitten, I didn't let her touch me. "I suppose I deserved that." Tears welling in her eyes. "Let me tell him please. I will be honest with him even down to the fact that you caught us, and I've asked you to let me be the bearer of bad news. I couldn't let his best friend tell him when I'm the one that's breaking his heart."

I looked at her and stood up, "I want to scream and shout at you and call you all the names under the fucking sun. I need to think about this, if I get this wrong, I'm going to fuck up a whole bunch of friendships, mine and Brians, yours and Brians, mine and yours, and a whole many more." I paused. "Up to an hour ago I treasured our friendship." With that I walked off, I even left nearly a pint of Guinness on the table, this is more important than good beer or even Guinness.

Shit, fuck, damn, blast and fuck again, what the fucking hell to do now. First priority, protect Brian. But how and from what. His inadequacies, her cheating, his heartbreak, fuck. I didn't sleep much that night, I also didn't drink too much beer; solutions would not come through an alcoholic haze, but by the morning I had a plan.

I knew Brian wasn't home until about five o'clock this evening, but I know how these courses can go especially on a Friday. I wouldn't put it past him to turn up nearer one o'clock than five o'clock and I didn't want to be caught in a deep discussion with his girlfriend.

I sent Claire a text, 'go shopping in Waitrose at ten o'clock, I will bump into you, we will have a coffee and I will give you some choices. Delete this message now.'

I got to the supermarket and picked up a basket and wandered round generally throwing stuff in it. I don't use wet wipes, I wash my hands in soap and water, so what the hell were they doing in my basket. I knew what the bottle of gin was doing there.

We 'ran' into each other just outside the coffee shop. We went in and she sat down whilst I fetched two coffees. As I passed hers across to her, I got the first good look at her face. I'd seen my face in the mirror, and I looked rough, and I knew what I felt like, but she looked much worse and must have felt it to.

This time I grew a pair of balls and I started. looking at the straight in the eyes, in a voice I didn't quite recognise as my own I started. "Part of me fucking hates you, part of me loves you like a sister. I got no sleep last night. As a man I can see where you're coming from being able to separate sex and love because I've done it. Katie was a prime example. So as much as I want to hate you for it, I can't. I can't be that much of a hypocrite. I've decided that if anybody tells him, you can do it like you said. But I have an alternative." I saw a look of confusion in her eyes, to her this was only going to end one way. "We never tell him what you've done." I judged it so she didn't have a mouthful of coffee or a cup in her hand. I've never seen anyone look so surprised. When I sat down with the coffee, I think she saw the Grim Reaper sat on my shoulder.

"What, how, when, how, what?"

"This is my suggestion. We never tell him. There're a couple of things you've said. He is getting better; he is starting to talk; he's listening to you. Whilst he's been away, he's Googled some stuff on the Internet and it led him into a whole bunch of women's magazines. He says women are weird, he's probably not wrong about that. But that's the reason he was more inclined to listen to you this week. You told me stuff you should be telling him. He's told me stuff that he should be telling you. You two need to talk together, I know you tried, and he rebuffed you, but from what I gather from both you it started to happen last weekend. So, if you promise me on your mother's grave, and I know she's not dead yet, that you will never ever cheat on him, and you would love him until the day one of you passes this earth, I will not tell him and I will leave it up to you. I will still listen and help the both of you because I love you both."

The look on her face was as if the Grim Reaper sat on my shoulder had just fallen off his perch. "You'd do this for me, for Brian and me?"

"Yes, I'd do this for my two most dearest friends, all of their parents and quite selfishly, for myself too. But if you ever, ever let him down again I will spread the whole sordid details far and wide."

She was openly crying now and she's running out of paper napkins I even passed across my handkerchief, I'd bought a clean one and a spare. She'd been crying a lot the last few times we'd met.

"Yes, yes fucking yes, anything, absolutely anything."

"Right now, some harsh realities, and hopefully it'll help more."

I preceded to tell her about Sharon 'pongy' White, I hinted about rinsing down there and the taste of soap made him think of blowing bubbles. I didn't expand on that. I sucked up my embarrassment and I told her how I treated Katie and that was what I had told Brian. I was trying to give her a hand to help him. She sat there with an amazed look on her face, I don't know what surprised her the most, what I'd done, or that I'd gone out on the limb to tell her what I've done with Katie.

I stood up, I had to get out of there now, and I said to her. "Right over to you now, I'm absolutely knackered, the pair of you have worn me out. I'm playing rugby tomorrow afternoon. Maybe I'll see you there, maybe I won't. If you're not there as a pair tomorrow, well, I'll see you around." I walked out. I paid for the Gin but left the wipes.

Right, that was It, job done, time for me get on with my life, at least Brian would still be there, of that I was certain.

We limbered up, slapped each other on the back, shouted at each other called each other names as we ran from the pavilion. Right at the bottom of the steps was Brian and Claire, she had the biggest smile on her face. And he was as happy as Larry, he gave me a double thumbs up, he was laughing his head off. I don't remember much of the game, people told me I ran like the wind, and we won the match.

I didn't see either of them that weekend or the next, they went away for a few days. I got a phone call from Claire the following Wednesday asking if I was going to be in the club Friday night, it sounded like she was telling me to be there, so I told her I would be.

There was a little bit of disco going on, not much loud music, more of background noise. We three were sitting in an alcove. Claire had a serious look on her face, and I noticed she hadn't been drinking much. She was sat between us, then all of a sudden in a lull in the music she turned to Brian, I felt a hand come across to me touched my thigh which was a bit strange, but then she found my hand and squeezed it whilst looking Brian straight in the face she said. "Are you going to ask me?"

"Ask you what?"

"You know, the question you've been fucking around with for the last six months."

"Oh, fuck, oh, does that mean you're ready?"

"Dull twat," I thought to myself, perhaps it was the beer.

"Well, you won't know till you ask will you."

Surprisingly he did it properly, he shuffled to the edge of the bench got down on one knee and said, "Claire Wolstenholme will you do me the great honour of being my wife?"

Everybody noticed Brian on his knees and the place went quiet.

"Yes, yes, a 1000 times yes," she said.

She gave a slight squeeze of my hand, let it go and slid right across to him and crushed her face into his.

They were married six months later. And yes, I did get off with one of the bridesmaids, not the Chief Bridesmaid, she was married. It was Harriet, in fact, Harriet and I dated for next 18 months. I got very serious about Harriet, and she moved in with me for a while.

18 months after they married young Daniel turned up, I was his godfather. That was when Harriet left me. When the christening party had died down and there were just a few of our close friends left I got down on one knee and asked Harriet to marry me. She didn't beat around the bush, she stood up, said 'No' and walked out the door. Everybody was stunned, my two best friends hugged me as I cried. When I got home Harriet had moved out. We met for coffee a couple of weeks later and her explanation was that she couldn't share me, she couldn't share the love. I had no idea what she meant.