The Lingo

Because swinging nomenclature can be more frustrating than playing 18 holes with a green golf ball, the following definitions, and a box of No-Doz, may enable you to find your way through my publications.

69: A sexual position through which two people simultaneously gratify each other, orally. My petitions to make this an Olympic event have fallen upon deaf ears.

Astroglide: Lubricant commonly used during intimate interludes. This modern miracle was invented amid work on the Space Shuttle cooling system. Hence its name.

B&D: "Bondage and Discipline." More bizarre than the thought of Andy Rooney having delivered each episode of his show pants-less.

Ball Bag: I must be as stupid as opening a surfboard shop in Idaho, because I have no idea what this item is.

BBW: Big, beautiful woman. For me, the only thing better than sex with a BBW is sex with multiple BBW. I love my women the way most people love their paycheck — large!

BDSM: Fuck if I know. You're more likely to find an arachnophobic exterminator, than I am to understand this one.

Bob's House of Ass: An alias for a local, bargain swing club often featured in my work.

Bot: As sought after as rectal mites, this term denotes an automated, online advertisement.

Bukkake: A sexual act in which a group of males climax upon a female. One of many reasons to be happy you're a man.

Cock Ring: A circular apparatus that makes one's penis harder than watching a 24 hour Deal or No Deal marathon, without seriously contemplating suicide.

DDF: An acronym denoting the phrase "Drug and Disease Free." The latter sounds fun, but the former has less appeal than Bill O'Reilly's sexual proclivity for oiled cucumbers.

Exhibitionist: Think Barack Obama. How can I be sure? Worst campaign slogan in history: "Join Michelle and tell Barack you're in!" The guy formerly mannin' the White House was a wife swapper.

F: Denoting the word "female" in Internet jargon. I adore "F" more than the writers of the show Deadwood loved the word "cocksucker."

FWB: Like warm, melting butter, I'm on a roll. Unfortunately, I've got nothing clever to say about this acronym that stands for the term "Friend With Benefits."

Gangbang: Group sex, typically including one female and several males. One of many reasons to be happy you're a woman.

Glory Hole: An opening between abutting rooms, through which bodily appendages can be inserted, and prurient acts occur. Outside of a priest's mind in a daycare center, this may be the most disgusting place on the planet.

Harry Hamlin: The greatest actor of all time.

Herve Villechaize: That pitiful drawing on your arm isn't a tattoo. This, my friend, is a Tattoo.

Jack Shack: An adult arcade where masturbation and sex take place. See: "Pee-wee Herman."

John Holmes: A porn legend more dead and forgotten than the Macarena.

Lube: Typical abbreviation for lubricant utilized in sexual situations. Besides alcohol, lube may be the most precious liquid on the market.

M: Internet terminology for the word "Male." Like a Bruce Willis blues album, we might not be popular, but we're still around.

Madison Ivy: A tasty porn actress who gets more play than a Led Zeppelin record on a classic rock station.

Maury Povich: If Hell existed, and had a mascot!

MFC: "Male/Female Couple." From a single swinger's viewpoint, this beast is often comprised of more flakes than a snowstorm.

MFM: "Male/Female/Male." You won't find this threesome playing the back nine at Augusta.

MILF: An acronym for "Mom I'd Like to Fuck."

Nipple Clamps: When Bo Bice sells more platinum albums than the Beatles, these will be regular items at Target.

Nipple Extensions: Besides truck nuts, this is one of the more bizarre inventions in history.

NSA: If your first thought was National Security Agency, close this article, and walk away. This baby stands for "No Strings Attached."

Orgy: Group sex, frequently involving a comparable amount of men and women. In mainstream society, this act is less common than a dyslexic English teacher. In the swinging world, however, it's ubiquitous.

PBR: "Pabst Blue Ribbon." This palate pleaser has been around since before automatic garage door openers, and television remotes.

Pic: Typical Internet abbreviation for "picture."

Pocket Pussy: If you can't figure this one out on your own, you'd best head down to your local waterin' hole for a Grey Goose and Sanka.

Popov: Excellent, discount vodka.

PTSD: An acronym for the term "Posttraumatic Stress Disorder." Akin to ADHD, and all the other fictitious ailments out there, just another way for drug companies to collect a buck.

Ron Jeremy: Where does one even begin?

S&M: Sadomasochism. Creepier than the current Burger King Mascot.

SBM: "Single Black Male."

Squirter: A woman who emits female ejaculate, whilst having an orgasm. Cooler than it was envisioning Walter Cronkite ripping his shirt off, and exposing nipple rings — back in the day — these critters are omnipresent in the swinging world.

Stalker: A person so obsessed, they physically pursue their object of admiration. Think John Hinkley, Jr., and Mark David Chapman.

Strap-On: A prosthetic penis attached to a woman's waist. If I had 10 cents to my name, I'd bet this device from Hell was conceived by a chick.

Streaming Porn: Pornographic videos transmitted, and downloadable, over the Internet. I'm surprised Tesla didn't have a hand in this one, since it's perhaps the greatest invention ever.

Swing Club: A location designed to accommodate the activities inherent to swingers. As eagerly embraced, in "upstanding" communities, as a toxic waste dump, these places do exist.

Swinger: An individual who often engages in casual and group sex. On the popularity scale, we rate securely amidst Ted Shackelford, and the "Time to make the donuts!" guy.

Swinging: A lack of common inhibitions, when it comes to copulation. The Lifestyle, wife swapping, etc. The activity that swingers participate in. The day this becomes a mandatory college course is the day I return to school.

SWM: "Single White Male."

Thong: A slender strip of fabric some call underwear. Akin to the corner piece of lasagna, thongs are tasty and highly prized.

Tory Lane: Not to be redundant, but an incredibly hot porn actress. Tory and I have had sexual relations thousands of times...just never together.

XXX: Pornographic.

Zima: An adult beverage more defunct than the Polaroid camera. John Goodman is less likely to win an Ironman Triathlon, than this stuff is to make a comeback.

One moment you're on a cruise ship to Montana, the next you're trapped in a Guatemalan prison with a coked-up Celine Dion, Andy Griffith's preserved scrotum, and eight strippers. Why breathe life into something, if you suffer from chronic halitosis?

Why pretend your "job" is anything but the slavery it blatantly is?

Why attempt to fool yourself you're "satisfied" collating documents, and taking phone calls for some morally-defunct demon, referring to himself as an attorney?

Why plan for "retirement," when you've got a shot at living, now?

You may not even be inhalin' O2, tomorrow. Make the most of everything, while you can.

— authored by Hugh Mungus