The Long Drive into the Wilderness

"It does," Dale mumbled. His own memories clawed into his consciousness and his stomach churned.

"I looked forward to Vasily going out to fuck other women because it usually meant he would forget about me and leave me alone for a few nights. I hated the way things were but I took it, because what could I do? All kinds of schemes went through my mind, including ending it all. If things had gone on much longer, I don't know what I would have done ..."

"I'm sorry, Maggie."

"And then one night Vasily comes in and orders me to pack an overnight bag and be ready to go, and not to waste time. Ten minutes later, we were in a car with Pavel and on the road. When I asked where we were going, Vasily told me to shut the fuck up--that the only time he wanted my mouth open was when it was on his cock."

"That Vasily ..." Dale said, "always a master wordsmith."

"Yeah, right up until you blew a hole in his head. Anyway, they dumped me at a hotel, told me to stay put, and took off. For the first time in forever, I had a chance and I ran. I checked into another hotel. I should have kept moving but they say a frightened animal's first instinct is to hide, which is what I did. Not well enough, since Vasily found me. You know the rest."

Dale lay quietly for a moment, digesting that.

Maggie stirred. "There. Now you know all about my past. I was Vasily's ... girlfriend, lover, whore, whatever you want to call it. And not just his, but anyone else who he wanted me to service. At twenty-seven, I'm already used up. Damaged goods. I've done just about everything a woman can do to or for a man in bed. Even though I like sex, I don't know if I can do certain things for you--for someone I care about--because it's too tied up with my emotional abuse." She took a deep breath. "Do you still want to be here with me?"

"Yes."

The breath escaped her lungs and she sagged against him. "Whatever you have to tell me can't be any worse than that."

"Are you sure about that?"

Maggie laughed. "Try me."

"I told you my real name was Sergei, right?"

"You did."

"My parents emigrated from St. Petersburg while Mom was pregnant with me. They wanted me to be born here. They settled in the Brighton Beach section of New York, which was sometimes called Little Odessa for all the Russian immigrants living there. Dad uprooted and moved when I was about four, though. I never got the straight of it but I think he had some mob-related trouble and wanted us--Mom, me, and my two little sisters--to grow up without that. He took us to Philadelphia. I had a normal childhood, though being raised in a bilingual home has its advantages. Being able to curse in Russian and teach the other kids those words made me a star on the playground."

Maggie laughed. "I can imagine."

"As a kid, I spent a lot of time watching reruns of Miami Vice and NYPD Blue so by the time I graduated high school, I'd become enamored of becoming a detective, and joined the police force. Pretty-routine career, I made detective at my second attempt. My family was proud and we attended a big department party in celebration of all the new detectives--which is where I met Audrey."

"And she was?"

Dale swallowed. "My ex."

"Okay."

"She was a friend of the wife of another new detective, and came to the party just to get out that evening. She and I hit it off pretty quick. If I'm being objective, Audrey is average-looking but she has a cute smile and something about her upbeat personality and her husky voice drew me in."

He frowned. "I wasn't the only one. There was another officer there by the name of Chuck Fallon. He'd made fun of my Russian roots when I joined the department, I told him to go fuck himself, and we'd hated each other since. He made a pass at Audrey at the party, but she was pretty clearly into me, which frosted his ass to no end. He even grabbed her wrist and tried to force her to go with him. A handful of us took him outside and beat the crap out of him. The official story was he fell but pretty much everyone knew what happened and no one wanted to make an issue of it."

"Cops slapping people around and the thin blue line covers for them?" Sarcasm laced Maggie's voice. "I never would have guessed."

"Yeah, I know. Anyway, Audrey and I dated, got married, all of that. Things were great for a while.

"Then, I was approached by my captain. He had a fed with him--an FBI agent, of all things. They wanted me to join a special task force investigating the Petrov family in New York. They picked me for two reasons. One, I was native speaker with a Russian family. Two, there was another 'Sergei' my age from the area who had moved but died in an accident two years later. They even showed me his picture and we were damn near twins at the age of five. They wanted me to take his place, return to Brighton Beach, and worm my way into the mob.

"I was excited; it felt like exactly the kind of thing I'd imagined as a kid. Audrey was against it. Aside from the danger, she knew it would take me to New York for months, which would strain our relationship. In the end, I thought she had agreed, though looking back, I think she simply gave up arguing with me."

Maggie nodded. "I can see that. She probably knew you were going to do it anyway."

"Probably. Anyway, I took the assignment. At first, everything went well. I moved into the neighborhood, got a mundane job, and spread my cover story. Since the other Sergei's whole family died in California, no one had any way to verify who I wasn't. I caught the Petrovs' attention quickly enough, by shadowing Vasily, figuring that he was a troublemaker, and then backing him and Pavel in a bar fight with some punks. I'm not a great fighter and got a black eye out of the deal but it was enough. Vasily asked me if I was gastralyor--literally, a visiting crook from another city--which could be seen as infringement on the Petrovs' turf. I laid it on thick and convinced him I saw that he was a powerful man and the right guy to back. Vasily being Vasily, and not being all that bright, he bought it."

She chuckled and pressed her ass against him. Dale's cock stirred but he concentrated on his tale.

"It was a stroke of luck but with Vasily's support, I was in like Flynn and almost right away had access to the inner circle. I met Yuri for the first time and I admit, that son of a bitch scared me."

"Yeah," Maggie said. "He's like ... ice, like nothing gets to him."

"And then some. But he said nothing about me being there, so I stayed. Vasily loved to brag and I soon had all kinds of things to pass back to my handler, which--after I'd been there for a few months--I began doing. Individually, they were just small things that couldn't be traced back to me but together, painted a pretty damning picture. I knew the FBI and NYPD were building a case. I just had to ride it out. They helped me stay in touch with Audrey and I was able to make a few video calls. Every time I saw her face and heard her voice, I questioned what the hell I was doing."

"Your job?"

"I guess. Vasily loved to show off, to demonstrate his benevolence and gratitude. Dmitri ... did you ever meet him?"

"Vasily's father?" Maggie gave a slight shake of her head. "No, I don't think he approved of his son's whores."

"He didn't. Dmitri was brutal and ordered a lot of people killed and other human misery but at heart, he's a family man. He wanted Yuri and Vasily to marry good Russian girls, have sons, and carry on the Petrov family name and business. But Vasily was too addicted to girls and drinking and partying, and Yuri ..." Dale grimaced. "Yuri was too addicted to cutting parts off suki to worry about settling down."

"Suki? I don't know that word."

"Literally means 'bitches' but they used it to refer to snitches, rats, or pretty much anyone they deemed a traitor to the family. I hate to say this but Yuri was never so animated as when he was torturing someone."

Maggie shivered again.

"Anyway, Vasily used to offer me all kinds of stuff as I worked with the family and 'proved' my loyalty. Money, a new Mustang ..." A lump formed in his throat. "He also used to offer me women. I demurred at first but he got more insistent. I couldn't claim to be gay. Vasily was the kind of guy that would never accept that from one of his inner circle. One night, I got back to my apartment and there was a woman waiting for me in my bed."

Maggie tensed against him but didn't say anything.

Dale sighed. "She was already naked. When I entered the bedroom, she rose, walked across the floor, knelt at my knees and started unbuckling my belt. I ..."

Maggie's silence continued.

The stray notion occurred that he was walking onto a frozen pond on an increasingly thin layer of ice, with each step creating wider and longer cracks. He knew she was thinking: that had the timing been different, Maggie herself might have been one of the girls sent to service him.

Dale pursed his lips. I've said this much. Whatever happens now, whatever she decides ... it is what it is, and I won't hold it against her.

He said, "She was young and beautiful, but I felt nothing. Even though the girl had a fixed smile on her face, I gazed into her eyes and they were dead. The only other time I'd seen that look was on a neighbor growing up, who was a Vietnam veteran. That man had had the same thousand-yard stare every time I looked at him. I froze and ... I let her take my pants down. I blanked on thoughts of Audrey, my job, and everything else. The sex was mundane, almost automatic, like my body responded while my soul sealed itself in a vault to protect itself. I finished and she got dressed and left without a word. Me? I puked. Later, Vasily congratulated me and slapped me on the shoulder, calling me a stud. It happened a few more times and every time, I kind of dissociated and slipped into a mental cloud. It became part of the job. I'm not saying it was remotely the same as what happened to you but I understand what you meant when you said your mind went blank."

Maggie nodded.

"Not long after the last time, the FBI made its move. Don't let anyone tell you mob lawyers aren't good. Even though they were dead to rights, Vasily and Yuri were able to skate. The evidence against Dmitri and a bunch of his other lieutenants was too damning and they were arrested and held without bail. The feds got wind of Yuri digging into the arrests and yanked me out of there. I thought it was over. I called Audrey and let her know I was coming home. She sounded guarded but happy."

Dale's stomach twisted. "I'll never forget that day, walking up to my porch. I was excited, ready for us to get on with our future. We'd been discussing kids before I went undercover. I hit the front door and called her name. She answered me from the bedroom. I went in, and my world fell apart. She was in bed with Chuck, the guy from the force that hated me."

He waited for a reaction but Maggie continued to lay still, so he continued.

"I didn't find out until later that I'd been made. Vasily had recorded my liaisons with his 'gifts.' I have no idea how, since the feds swept my place for recording devices a few times and always came up empty. Maybe the girls brought them in their clothes or handbags. I think Vasily liked to have blackmail material on everyone, even on his closest associates.

"Anyway, they figured out who I was. My handler told me later Yuri and the others probably didn't want to make an immediate move to kill me, since that would be too obvious--that they would wait for later, when the heat had died down and none of the feds were keeping an eye on me. But in the meantime, they sure could fuck up my life in a lot of other ways ... like sending my wife recordings of her loving husband in bed with a handful of random women. I'm sure that broke her heart. It breaks mine thinking about her watching those clips."

"Yeah," Maggie said, "I wouldn't want to see that."

"Anyway, I stood there stunned in the bedroom door. Their clothes were strewn everywhere and the room reeked of sex. Dipshit Chuck sat smirking while Audrey sat on her side of the bed with the blankets pulled to her chin. When I looked at her, I expected to see anger or satisfaction. Instead, she was crying.

"I have no idea how long we would have stayed still, staring at each other, except Dipshit chose that exact moment to open his mouth. He started saying he knew he was the better man and would win in the end, that she'd never end up with a loser like me.

"Like someone had thrown a switch, Audrey's tears ceased and she spun on him screaming, saying his pencil dick was useless, that he wasn't worth a shit, and she barely even felt him. Her ferocity stunned me and him too, it seemed. Audrey railed at him until he finally lost it and backhanded her across the mouth.

"I think seeing Dipshit strike her unleashed everything I'd been feeling. All the stress of being undercover, the guilt of leaving and cheating, the pain at seeing what she'd done ... it all erupted. I lunged across the room, dragged the skinny little fucker out of the bed by his hair and did my level best to turn his face into lasagna. I didn't stop until Audrey retrieved her stun gun and zapped me. She told me afterward, she didn't want me to kill him and go to jail forever. Even so, I knocked out two of his teeth and gave him a whole collection of bruises. I also broke four of my own fingers and sprained my wrist. Serves me right, I suppose."

"I suppose." Maggie's voice was neutral.

"After that, it was a huge mess. The powers that be hushed up everything. Chuck was removed from the force--not for fucking a fellow officer's wife but for endangering a federal task force investigation--and given a severance for his injuries. Audrey filed for divorce. She told me having me gone was hard but watching me cheat on her was a bridge too far. I understood. I hated both losing her and what I had done to us, but most of all, I hated myself. Shortly after she filed, I began testimony in federal court. It was successful, and Dmitri went away for life, though I have no doubt he's still controlling things from the inside. I was bundled into witness protection and sent to Virginia under a new name. They let me pick and I chose Dale."

"What about your family?"

"My father publicly denounced me for working against my own people. Said I was no longer his son." Dale shrugged. "I don't know if that was his true opinion or a stance to save him and Mom and my sisters from retribution. He always spoke badly about the mob, so I don't know. They haven't spoken to me since the case broke."

"I see," Maggie said. "And Audrey?"

"She got her divorce and moved on. Last I heard, she was engaged again. I don't blame her. She's a wonderful person and I wish the best for her. I moved to Virginia to try and pick up the pieces. My handler in the Marshals service was a decent guy, who let me do my own thing and only checked in once in a while. He got me a job as a legal transcriber so I could work from home. I went through the motions but in reality, I felt nothing. I rarely went out and didn't date or anything.

"Then I get a frantic call from my handler who tells me to bail, that I'd been compromised. He used the right phrases, so I knew it was genuine. My head was filled with visions of Yuri carving off my body parts so I panicked and hung up on the guy.

"I kept a running bag, like I tell you to do, and I'd mapped out a few strategies and possible flight locations. I drove to Tennessee to ask Colin for help. He was a friend of my Dad's in Philly and treated me like his own son. He moved to Dandridge the year I graduated high school but always said he was available if I needed help. I only had a number and kept getting his machine, which was why I was in the motel. I ... I guess the Petrovs found out about him too. I ran into you and here we are."

"Do you think the marshals know where you are?"

"I'm certain they have no idea. I had several plans to flee, if needed, and kept it all on a satellite phone that wasn't tied to anything else I was doing. Nobody should have been able to trace my web searches to me or anything. There's no record of where I was going."

Maggie caressed his arm. "Do you think they could help you now? The feds?"

"I don't dare contact them. I destroyed the sat phone and I am sure my 'regular' lines of communication are all compromised. The Petrovs will be watching them. Besides, I'm sure someone in the relocation program was involved. Mob money reaches far, and deep. If someone who is supposedly on my side has been bribed, then it's not safe to contact them. Make sense?"

She nodded.

Dale exhaled. "So now you know the truth. I have no family and nothing going for me except some police training and instincts honed by danger. To the Petrovs, I'm a rat and a betrayer. And, I am, without a doubt, a cheater. If you want nothing more to do with me, I understand."

Maggie pulled away and for one disappointing moment, Dale thought she was leaving the bed. Instead, she rolled over and looked at him, her eyes deep pools in the semi-darkness. She whispered, "Do you want to know what I think?"

"Yes." I mean he thought, what have I got to lose now?

Maggie touched his cheek. "I think you were in a difficult situation, for which there were no good solutions. I think you're someone who's made bad mistakes. I think you're someone who's trying to learn and get on with living your life." A small smile touched her lips. "In short, I think you're like me."

Dale's entire body stiffened. "Maggie--"

She touched his lips with her forefinger. "Shush. You got to talk. It's my turn now."

He stilled.

"I've only known you for a few months but you've shown me the core of who you are. I see the caring, the good in you. I know how secure I feel with you, in a way I've never felt with anyone. I wondered if it's the situation we're in that made me feel that way--you know, whether I'm seeing what I want to see because I need you. That's not it. It's you I love, Dale. I don't love who you were. I love who you are now."

"How can you?"

"How can you love me?" She propped herself up on one elbow and stared at him. "You have no idea if I'm going to have a flashback of Vasily or one of the other men that used me, and flip out on you. Little things you've done--just phrases you've said or the way you stretched your arms--have triggered my memories. I don't blame you at all, because I try not to let on. If I concentrate and make myself relax, it passes, but it's something we'll be grappling with for a long time ... and we're not in any position for me to go for therapy."

The light drag of her fingers on his cheek eased his tension. He mirrored the action.

Maggie all but purred at his touch. She moved her face closer to his, until they were less than an inch apart. Her soft breath rolled over his skin and her voice was so low he could barely hear it. "This world can be harsh, Dale. Can't we just find some solace while we can? I mean, you said you love me. Did you mean it?"

He nodded.

"Then let me love you back and let's grab this happiness while we can. You told me when we met that you couldn't save yourself. But just maybe we can save each other ... and I want to try."

"Deal." He kissed her.

Maggie responded and for a moment, their lips wrestled. He felt her tiny hand snake between their bodies and grab his rapidly-stiffening prick.

She gave Dale a gentle push, rolling him onto his back. He went and she swung one leg over him, straddling his hips. Still kissing, she continued stroking his cock until it stood tall and firm. Maggie didn't hesitate but guided it into her already sopping box. She slid the entire length, until her ass rested on his thighs. "This is right where you belong," she whispered.