The Masks We Wear

I felt like people were watching me. They weren't, but I felt like they were. He didn't text back right away, and I had to stop in the bathroom to calm myself before going to my next class. What if he thought Casey was shooting him down? Or what if he thought she wasn't interested? He'd be heartbroken.

Which was a good thing, I argued with myself. He needed to get over Casey and move on. Casey wasn't real. Casey had the face of a beautiful actress and the personality of a person I wanted to be but never could. He needed to stop texting her, because I clearly wasn't strong enough to stop myself from texting him.

Men. They were nothing but machines for pain. Even like this, even when it wasn't his fault that I was hurting. I had no one to blame but myself, but it all started because I liked him.

There was no way to come out of this without being hurt. If he texted back, it would just be another day stretching towards ruin. If he didn't...

I can't say I wasn't relieved when my burner phone went off. I also can't say I wasn't devastated. It was a good thing I was back at my apartment, because someone would have definitely realized I was about to break down if they'd seen me.

What's your favorite candy?

I tried not to smile as I read the message. It was so random, but then, a lot of our conversations were.

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Why?

Wanna come to a movie night with me and a friend? I'll get the candy. All the Reese's you can eat, my treat. Tomorrow, around 7?

I should have texted back right away. Or maybe pausing was the best choice. Honestly, it didn't matter.

The whole thing was fucked up from the moment I'd put the wig on.

Aw, that sounds like fun. I have plans unfortunately, sorry. Eat a whole bunch of Reese's for me and enjoy the movie! What are you guys seeing?

Too bad. We're watching The Rocketeer. Some old comic book movie, I guess.

I had already thrown the phone across the room and backed against the wall, heart racing so fast that my vision was blurring around the edges. If I hadn't, his next message would have made me do the exact same thing.

Listen, I know this is kind of weird or awkward or whatever. I guess I'm just hoping we could maybe hang out sometime. Would you be up for that?

HIM

Tim was a good guy and he was comfortable with women in a way that I wasn't. There was an ease there that I envied. It seemed as if he wanted company, he could arrange it. Women liked him and felt he was, I don't know, approachable and safe but still worth pursuing. I didn't want to introduce him to Casey, that was for damned sure, but Michelle? Maybe.

When I went for my run that morning, I stopped at Harper Foods. I tried to shop quickly. No one wants to be in line behind the sweaty guy. I had a bunch of candy, some frozen burritos, a bag of chips and some oranges. Neither Michelle nor Tim were picky, so I just grabbed whatever caught my eye.

I thought about continuing to Hyde Park Produce for some other stuff, but I realized what was going on. Distracting myself by running and buying stuff wasn't a solution. Hell, I didn't even know if I had a problem yet. Casey turned me down twice and then never replied to my last text. Normally, I would accept that as a clear sign that we were friends who texted and nothing more would come of it.

But I also thought we were done when I pried about her family.

For once, I wasn't going to be passive. It was different with her and I couldn't put my finger on why. All I knew is that she was worth pursuing. I'd give her some time, maybe a week or so and then try again.

I found myself scanning faces as I made my way back to the dorm. I saw one brunette who I followed for about 30 yards before realizing it wasn't her. I needed to get my head on straight. Getting back to the dorm, I heard the water from Tim's shower. I ate a couple of hard-boiled eggs, pulled up my notes on eigenvectors and dug in.

When he came out of his room, I hit him up. "Hey, got plans tonight?"

"What time?"

"Like, seven to ten?"

"Yeah, sorry. What's up?"

"Nothing. Watching a movie with Michelle. Thought you might want to join."

"Definitely next time. I'm going out with a second-year nursing student."

"Sure. No problem."

I got back to studying. Looking up, blinking, I realized it was a little after 1:00 pm. Getting up to get a drink, I stretched, grabbed a banana and went back to my chair. Grabbing the phone, I texted Casey.

Hope the appointment went well. Have a great night.

Not bad. Not pushy, not too inquisitive. Give her some space and just say 'hey'. I was overthinking this. It was just a text. That wasn't responded to in a minute. Or five minutes. Or half an hour. Going back to studying, I kept looking at the phone before I had to head off for my two classes.

I finally got a text, but it was from Michelle with directions. I headed over with my bag of snacks and could smell the popcorn as I knocked on her door. She was dressed in sweats and had one mitten on her left hand and another under her armpit. I realized they were for hot pots and pans and followed her back to the kitchen.

She looked over her shoulder. "Any preference for toppings? Any allergies or anything? Mandy'll hate me forever if I kill her boyfriend."

"Still with the Mandy jokes. You crack me up. Anything is good. I usually just have salt and butter."

Michelle had six bowls set up and seasoned each differently. We carried them to the couch, and she started the movie.

"Thanks for coming over, Craig. I just sort of feel crappy and I don't want to go out and show my face. Everyone on campus is going to know and I don't want that fake sympathy. I just want to crawl up, watch a movie and relax."

"Sure. Not a problem. I never saw it, and the popcorn smells great, so it's all good."

We were about a half an hour into The Rocketeer when I started feeling very uncomfortable. Something was off and I couldn't tell what. I couldn't name them, but I recognized most of the male actors. Not a big deal. The female lead, though? There was just something... wrong. I looked over at Michelle to see if I was alone in this and she was rooting through the bag.

"Ohhh! Peanut Butter Cups. My fave!"

My head was on a swivel. I looked at the actress and back at Michelle and her candy. Then back to the actress. Who... Jennifer Connelly! That's who it was. She was unbelievably hot. Just like Casey. I mean, exactly like Casey. I mean, it was fucking Casey, or Casey was her. I looked back at Michelle. Was she smiling at me?

Everything was falling into place. Ms. Uber Popular? How vain do you have to be to call yourself that? I'm in Math Sciences, would she think I didn't know what Deepfake was? Was this her idea of a joke? Wait until I saw her and the movie together and everything comes together as she eats my damned candy, the candy not-Casey told me yesterday was her favorite?

Was this funny?

Grabbing the bag from her hand, I hurled it against the wall. I knew it. I fucking knew it and I ignored what every instinct was telling me. Girls like that don't send me videos. They don't text for hours. Did she even break-up with Frank? Was he in on this? Standing, I made my way to the door.

"Craig? What the hell, man?"

Stopping, not looking back, I struggled to keep my voice under control. "Congrats, Michelle. You got me. You made me look like a fucking idiot. Everyone have a good laugh at the math nerd? You have some private group chat where you posted our texts?"

"Our... What the hell are you talking about?" She sounded pissed.

I turned and gestured towards the TV. "Was this just rubbing my nose in it? I wouldn't realize what was going on with the evidence right in front of me? You're good, but you're not that good. Did someone help you with the Deepfake? Some other nerd you're playing?"

"I... Craig, I swear that I have no idea what you're talking about. What's Deepfake?"

She sounded sincere and offended and befuddled.

"You're telling me it's not you?"

She was almost yelling and now I could add angry to the list of her emotions. "Me what? What the hell are you talking about?"

Oh, shit.

"Okay, listen, I don't know what to think right now. Are you Casey?"

"Am I... What does that even mean?"

So, I explained. How Deepfake was software that allowed you to put someone's face over your own if you have enough data points for the other person. How a long career in the movies gave you plenty of data to draw from. How "Casey" was using Jennifer Connelly's face to mask her identity.

"And you thought that was me? What am I, some sort of psycho? You have the videos? Pull them up on your phone."

We did.

"You idiot, I'm three or four inches taller than her and her tits are bigger than mine."

Great. Now I destroyed a friendship I valued and just found out that a woman I was falling for was fucking with my head as a joke. A perfect night.

"Michelle, I'm really, really sorry. She told me yesterday that her favorite candy was peanut butter cups and I sat there and when I realized why Connelly was bothering me all night and then I looked at you and you were eating the candy and... I'm such an idiot."

I was babbling.

Shaking her head slightly, she frowned. "Okay, I get it, I guess. I mean, yeah, that's pretty damn freaky. Start the movie again and freeze it when she's on screen."

We went back and forth between the video and the movie. It was seamless. How did I not notice this before? I'd seen Jennifer Connelly in other stuff. She was in that weird Hulk movie and the one about John Nash. John Nash... what the fuck? She was in the movie about the mathematician who pioneered game theory and won the Nobel. The mathematician who saw things that weren't actually there. Like me, thinking I saw someone who cared when instead I was being laughed at.

"Michelle, you see A Beautiful Mind?"

"No, why?"

"Never mind. This... if it wasn't you, who was it?"

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but... Mandy?"

"Mandy? She's crazy enough but, I don't know. No, it can't be her. It's not who she is. She's the most in-your-face person I know. She'd just film herself. Besides, she's sort of an idiot. She wouldn't pull it off this well."

"Well, then who? I don't know, Craig, but this is creepy as fuck."

We talked for another twenty minutes before I left. I didn't want to go back to my empty dorm, so I walked around the campus and then across the campus. Who would want to do this to me? Who was capable enough to do this? I just couldn't wrap my head around it. What did I do to someone that was so horrendous that they would play me like this?

I stopped at the small store on campus and got a Mt. Dew. As I was about to pay, I saw the Reese's Peanut Butter cup in the sales rack. I thought of who would know enough about Deepfake to be able to pull this off. Closing my eyes, I saw Madison turn her bag upside down in the library, dumping out the candy. I saw her give me the Almond Joys and keeping the peanut butter cups.

"Dude, you in line?" He repeated himself. "Dude?"

I looked up and saw the guy with the frozen pizza and two liter standing behind me.

It took me a second to reply. "No. Just being an idiot again. Sorry. Go ahead."

I stepped out of the line, put down the drink and walked out. Grabbing my phone, I texted not-Casey.

I don't know what I did to you to make you do this. You could have just talked to me. We could have worked it out. You fucking killed me, Madison. Killed me. I was falling for you and now I realize it was all a joke. You win. I'm done.

Back at my dorm, I slept. Missing classes the next day, I got out of bed to use the bathroom and drink from the faucet. Then I slept some more. Tim banged on my door. I ignored him. I skipped classes again the next day. He used a screwdriver to unlock my door and check on me. My phone rang and buzzed until the battery died.

I was lost, adrift in a sea of grey. I just wanted to sleep.

HER

"If he had just... just figured out that it wasn't... that she wasn't real, you know, and that was it? I could have lived with that. I mean, maybe. I would still feel like a monster, but it... you know, it wouldn't have been so bad.

"I don't know how he figured out it was me. Some clue, something I missed. I watched the videos again and again, trying to figure out if I'd missed something, but they were perfect. Two videos had convinced him Casey existed, so it had to be something I'd said when we were texting. I read the entirety of our messages over and over, and I still... I don't know where I fucked up.

"I can't even be mad at myself for fucking it up, though. Like, what did I expect? The ball had to drop somewhere. Happily ever after was never possible. Girls who fuck with guys like that don't deserve happy endings. The only person who should have gotten a happily ever after was Craig, because he... he didn't ask for this.

"I tried to apologize. I texted him back and... well, he blocked Casey's number. And my number. And probably my email. He didn't come to class. He didn't... I don't blame him. I just... I don't deserve to know if he's okay or not. I don't deserve shit.

"This is my fault. This is not something excusable or justifiable or explainable. It's not logical, it's not rational, it's not even understandable. I just want to apologize. I just wanted to... to tell him it wasn't a joke. I didn't tell anyone, I wasn't laughing at him. I swear on my life and on anything in the whole world that it wasn't malicious. I knew it would hurt him, but I didn't want...

"Craig, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

"I don't know why he hasn't told anyone it was me behind the videos. Everyone knows they were fake, but they didn't know it was me. I don't deserve that kind of anonymity. I don't deserve to be protected in this.

"My name is Madison Leigh and I'm a first-year Math Science student. I'm a virgin, I have a huge crush on Craig Lopez, and I did something weird and creepy and let it go on for too long. I made two Deepfake videos where I stole Jennifer Connelly's face and said it was a student named Casey Arlington, who was really just a figment of my imagination. I made two videos as myself. This one, and the one I sent my dad.

"Craig doesn't know it, but he gave me the confidence to do that. This whole shit-show of a situation had one silver lining, and that was finally telling my father how horrible I think he is. I haven't heard back yet. I mean, I'm probably going to be disowned, so... yeah, I've got that going for me.

"This is the last time you'll all hear from me or Casey. I'm... I'm going to go home now."

I swallowed hard, reaching towards the camera to turn it off before hesitating and looking back at it.

"Craig. I'm sorry. You shouldn't forgive me, but I'm sorry."

With that, I turned the camera off.

The video had been live, so I didn't need to post anything. I knew Craig would see it. The entire campus seemed to know what happened, so it would only be a matter of time before someone forced him to watch it.

I spent the rest of the day packing. I wasn't sure where I was going to go, but my apartment was too close to campus. All of Chicago was too close to campus. Disowned was too light of a word to describe how my father would react to the video I'd sent him, but I didn't think there was anywhere else I could go.

I'd just apologize. Keep my head down, mouth shut, and let him scream.

I had fucked up a lot of things, but that was one thing I knew I was good at.

HIM

It was time for me to return through the looking glass and re-enter a world where women like non-Casey weren't interested in math nerds. Three days had passed and I wasn't sure who I was the most angry at. I couldn't believe how gullible I was. I was furious at myself for slipping so easily into confirmation bias. I wanted it to be true, so it had to be true. So much for my dedication to logic.

Madison was a constant source of anger. I still couldn't figure out what I had done. Was I not there enough? Did I let her down when she needed help with studying or a project? Did I offend her somehow and not even realize it? Had she somehow realized I thought she was cute and thought it would be funny to fuck with me? Was she getting even with me or was it all just for the lulz? I was starting to not give a fuck. There's just no excuse.

Most of all, I was pissed at the people on campus. She posted some video bragging to everyone about what she did. I refused to watch it. I didn't need the recap, I lived through it. Taking a victory lap seemed too cheap for her, but I guess I never knew who Madison was. Great. She won. She let everyone know. Fuck her and fuck them.

I was getting bombarded with emails and texts from people I barely knew and strangers. Everyone one of them had advice. Forgive her. Talk to her. File criminal charges. Get her kicked out of school. Make my own video telling people how I felt. They were like vultures feeding off my misery. This wasn't some reality show, it was my life.

I wrote to my professors and TA's letting them know that I had a personal issue to deal with but that I'd be back for the next class. Opening the windows, I aired out my room and cleared out the empty water bottles and paper plates from the drinks and sandwiches that Tim broke into my room.

The shower felt pretty amazing in spite of my wanting to remain pissed at the world. I was rank and just standing there under the water pulled some of the venom from my soul. Gathering up my sheets, I put them in the laundry bag with the rest of my stuff, swept up my laptop and headed down to do some washing.

While I was sitting there waiting, I added filters to my email. Nothing mentioning Casey was getting through. I mass deleted every email from people I didn't personally know. They'd have to enjoy their dramatics without my participation. I looked up and saw some guy staring at me, like I was a monkey at the zoo.

"What?!"

He took a step back. "Nothing. Dude, relax. I need change for the machine and I only have a five. Not a problem. I'll ask someone else."

I shook my head, disappointed in myself again. "I, uh, I use my student card. Got credits for the semester. Sorry."

While the clothes were drying, I went over my coursework and tried to catch up on the studying I'd missed over the past 72 hours. There was a dull clunk as I felt a hand on my shoulder. Our RA had put a Mt. Dew on the hard plastic chair next to me.

"It sucks, man, but fuck 'em. It's going to blow over quick. Let me know if you need anything."

It was a few kind words and a soda. Why did I feel like crying?

I trudged back up to my room, bag slung over my shoulder. The door was already open, and Michelle and Tim were sitting on our cheap used couch, talking. They seemed comfortable and she was smiling. Maybe there was a silver lining somewhere in this nightmare. Stepping through the door, I made some noise. Putting a halt to their conversation, they both stared for a minute.

Tim stood. "Hey, you okay? Where were you? You eat? You hungry or something?"

"Yeah, not good, but getting there. You... Thanks, Tim. I appreciate, well, everything."

Michelle stood as well and I noticed how close she stood to Tim. "Seriously, Craig. How are you?"

"Look, I'm pissed and shaken a bit and... I don't know, but I'll be all right. It's not like we were in a relationship or... I don't know. It's just so much at once, right? She did it. That's fucked up. I thought we were friends, so it's not just that she screwed me over, but it was a betrayal, so there's that. Then it was so public and now everyone is in my shit and on top of everything else, I heard she put out a new video bragging about what she did."