The Minister Takes a Break

"The other is a lady none of you know. She's someone who's made my life a delight over the last few weeks. Last night, I told her I had been deceiving her, and she kicked me straight to the curb. And I totally deserved it."

Heads snapped up so fast I thought we'd have to notify the Centers for Disease Control of the first case of mass congregational whiplash. Even the Baxter kid put down his phone and looked up.

The crowd rustled, and I reflected ruefully that I had never held their attention quite as completely as I did right now. I took in a deep breath and, like them, wondered what exactly I was going to say next.

"The funny thing is, Stella was the person who led me to Sarah. She told me one day, about three months ago, that the time had come for me to find my woman. She said my window of opportunity was closing, and I needed to act quickly. I don't mind saying, that freaked me out a little bit. It sounded like she was getting instructions directly from heaven. I thought that was my job!"

A few people chuckled and nodded, and I forged ahead.

"That night, I went to a trivia contest and my usual partners had to cancel at the last minute. As I stood there, trying to decide what to do, I saw a beautiful woman sitting alone at a table for four. She was glaring at her phone like she wanted to melt it with the heat of her rage! Naturally, I was attracted at once."

Another chuckle or two.

"I walked over and asked her if I could join her, and somehow charmed her into saying yes. So I plied her with pizza and beer and, well, we wound up winning the contest. I knew even then she was something special. Here she was, just having gotten word that her boyfriend was seeing someone else, and she barely batted an eye. It was obvious to me that this woman was good in a crisis, and therefore, perfect for me, since my life is one long crisis."

"But she made a couple of remarks about how she disliked religious people, and religion generally, and I was torn. As I looked at her and my heart lurched in my chest, I made the stupidest decision of my life: I wouldn't tell her I was a minister.

"For some reason I will never understand, she found something in me to like too, and agreed to go out with me. I thought about it, and decided to pose as a computer tech."

From the pews, I heard a guffaw and looked out to see Daniel, our computer tech, holding his hands over his mouth, eyes squinched tight with mirth.

"I know, right? I'm the least likely person in this room to be a computer tech! But that's what I chose. Before our first real date, I made up a complete history of my professional and educational background and I got together with my best friend, who is an actual techie, and got some coaching from him. Full disclosure: he warned me this would blow up in my face."

More heads nodded, and I could see they all were following my tale of humiliation with great interest. Well, more power to them. How often did a minister admit freely what an idiot he had been in his personal life? Not enough, in my opinion.

As for me, I was finding this confession cathartic and kept going.

"So, over the next weeks, I dated this lovely woman and got to know her pretty well. And I found her to be forthright and honest and honorable, dedicated to serving others through her profession. Unlike me, she had a fine analytical mind, yet didn't think everything to death. I can't tell you how refreshing it was to see that.

"But my conscience hated what I was doing. And it all came to a head two nights ago, when I held her in my arms after the death of someone close to her. She asked what I believed happens to us when we die. And I couldn't tell her, not completely. Because I had set up this web of lies and I had to stick to my story. That just about killed me.

"Then last night, she said she wanted to come to church with me today. Yep, every Christian's dream right there, modeling a good life that attracts someone else to the way, the truth, and the light. Except I was one of the false lighthouses people used to put up to lure ships onto the rocks."

I sighed heavily, and the group leaned forward once more. The Baxter kid had his arms crossed as he leaned against the pew in front of him, spellbound.

"I couldn't lie anymore. I told her the truth. All of it. We got into a shouting match, and I told her I loved her -- right before she threw me out of her house."

The crowd let out its collective breath, thrilled.

"I went home and lay down and cried and cried, and when I ran out of tears, I stared at the ceiling in the darkness. I knew I was the biggest fool ever to walk the earth. In trying to grab some happiness for myself, I had done the one thing guaranteed to push it away."

More nods.

"And as I lay there, flogging myself, the phone rang. I heard Marcy's voice and I knew what it meant and I got there as fast as possible. She and I prayed together, and we sang Amazing Grace to Stella, and she slipped away during the third verse. It was very peaceful, and beautiful. She was there with us, and then she wasn't."

I saw several hands reach for the tissues we keep in each pew. I wished I had one myself.

"It was something Marcy said that's stayed with me since I left the hospital. She told me the important thing in life is make sure we say what needs to be said. And not to make this all about me, me, me, but I can't help but feel that message was directed towards me in a very personal way. I will regret forever that I didn't tell Sarah the truth until it was too late, but at least I told her I love her. And that will have to be enough."

I paused. "Let us pray..."

After the service, the members seemed undecided how to treat me. Several ducked out the side entrances to avoid shaking my hand, but most offered encouragement or their own, often lengthy, stories of stupid behavior in love. Even the Baxter kid approached me.

"Dude!" he breathed, and slouched away.

The place was nearly empty by the time I wished the last person a blessed week. I sighed with relief and unzipped my robe, happy to be out of the steam bath the polyester creates.

"Andy," a voice said behind me. I whirled to see Sarah standing there, her face as serious and still as a marble Madonna gazing at Jesus on the cross.

"Sarah! What -- why -- how did you find me?"

"I may not use social media, but I do know how to use Google. I looked up 'Rev. Andrew Simmons' and you popped right up."

"I thought I'd never see you again."

Her lips twitched ever so slightly.

"You almost didn't. When you stood up and started talking, I nearly left."

"But you didn't. Why?"

"Because I wanted to hear what you had to say. I wanted to see if you'd twist the truth to make yourself look good. I wanted to see if you'd lie to them too."

I flinched.

"Ouch."

"You can't expect me to start pulling my punches now, Andy. That's not how I operate. You know that."

"I deserve everything you say to me."

"Hmm." She regarded me gravely. "The thing is, you didn't lie. You didn't try to weasel out of your responsibilities, you took ownership of your mistakes, and you made me sound like a saint."

I stared at her, wondering what she'd say next.

She exhaled, not quite snorting.

"I don't know what to do about you, Andy. Beneath this calm surface, part of me is still furious at your lies. Another part of me says to forgive you. And another bit still loves you. I'm not sure which part to listen to."

"Not that you asked, but I think you should listen to all three. It is possible to be angry, and forgive, and love, all at the same time. It's not easy, but it's possible."

She almost smiled.

"Do you have anything else you'd like to say to me now that I'm not yelling at you?"

I stepped forward. "I can't make you forgive me, Sarah, and I can't make you love me again."

"True."

"But I want you to know that I love you and I will never lie to you again."

I paused, feeling sweat trickle down my forehead.

"Also, I'm an idiot. A giant idiot."

She cocked her head.

"Yeah, but you're my idiot."

"Yes. I am. For as long as you'll have me."

She stepped up to me and grabbed my hand. "Come on, Andy. Let's go get a nap and then you can tell me all about being a minister."

I put my arm around her shoulder and kissed her like I would never stop.

"Mind you," she said, breathless, "I don't know how much actual sleep this nap will involve."

I stepped out into the pale light of early spring, rubbed my eyes and grinned like a lunatic.

"Thank you, Stella," I whispered, and walked through that open window of opportunity to Sarah's side.