The Office Horse

"We run a tight ship here, Ms Dremmer," the bald department head lectured from the front, and in the same pace he was storming along the corridor. Mr Wicklebimm couldn't be bothered to hold any door open for the young woman struggling to keep up.

"Do not think of your first day at work as a first day, but as work. There is no need for idleness just because your notepad still has all its sheets blank."

"Absolutely, sir," Jördis dared pipe up whilst hurrying behind her new supervisor, the crown of his amazingly smooth head like a beacon at her eye level.

Eventually they entered the open plane office she would be slaving in from now on. The short man came to an abrupt halt and snapped around.

"A corporate dress code is in effect. I advise to adhere to it."

He scrutinized her attire. Dark fitted blazer over white blouse, dark skirt ending three centimetres above the knee. Sensibly heeled court shoes.

"That will do."

He gave her way-too-blonde hair a disparaging look, but considered a comment to be beneath him.

"You remember your work place number?"

"Yes, sir; one-three---"

"Then you know where you should have been for five minutes."

Wicklebimm glanced at Jördis' dye accident again and went off to uphold his reign of terror elsewhere, leaving the youngster to her own devices.

"Bellend...!"

Jördis made her first careful steps into the cube farm, a blue-meets-grey maze wilfully designed to suck any residue of individuality out of the employees. Through the hustle and bustle she sought her way to her own personal holding cell. It, too, sported a cheerful non-colour framed by corporate-blue walls. Jördis sighed and dropped her handbag on the sterile desk.

"Could be worse..."

She just had to settle in. Some pictures, a funny mug. Maybe a tiny potted plant. Most certainly an emergency bottle of vodka in the lower drawer. No sooner had she booted up her desktop computer than a pretty redhead stuck her pretty red head over the cobalt coloured divider.

"Are you the new girl?" she chirped.

"I reckon. I'm Jördis."

She held up her hand, and the ginger took it. She had to stretch her arm over the shaky wall for that, only to go out of sight the next moment and reappear at the entrance to Jördis' cubicle.

"Hi, I'm Tessa!"

They shook hands again, a repetition as silly as cordial.

"Divi, meet our newest sister in crime!"

Over the edge of the divider opposite the entrance an oriental woman peered from the second neighbouring cube. Jördis had to contort on her chair to make eye contact, but the peculiarly named colleague quickly vanished again.

"Wait, I'm coming over!"

True to her word, she stood next to Tessa a mere twenty seconds later after having employed obscure rat runs through the farm. With both of them now blocking the exit, Jördis was properly cornered.

"Welcome to the galley. I'm Gretchen."

Hands were shaken again, this time in a more reserved fashion. Confused by a certain ethnic discrepancy between name and person and Tessa's use of a seemingly disconnected moniker, Jördis made a careful approach.

"I actually never met someone called Gretchen before."

"What is that supposed to mean? Just because I'm of Korean descent it means I am not allowed one of your precious old, white, rich names?"

"No, no---"

"Cultural appropriation doesn't feel so good that way around, does it?"

"Honestly, I..."

"Jördis," Tessa chimed in.

"... didn't mean it like that."

"She's taking the piss out of you, Jördis. Her name is Ji-eun, and she shouldn't be mean to rookies."

Ji-eun winked at the guilt-shaken new girl, otherwise still keeping a straight face.

"But everyone calls me Divi."

"'Divi'?"

"As in diversity. For every company photo I get dragged to the front row, together with Vihaan from Tech. Homepage background: me on a white board. Promo brochure: Vihaan wiring up servers. Christmas party picture: us wearing Father Christmas hats."

"That sounds... unthoughtful?"

Divi was clearly amused by her insecurity in regard to political correctness.

"You really have to toughen up, sweetie, if you want to survive here."

Ere Jördis could express her gratitude for this fundamental advice, the phone on her desk -- her phone now -- fell into a ringing fit. Tessa glanced at the extension displayed.

"Argh, you wanna answer that one."

Jördis brought the receiver to her ear and was actually capable of getting the first syllable of her surname in before being run over by Wicklebimm's demands. Pull the Larsson-files -- Production need them now. Make 400 copies of the F07s for HR till two. List me the handicaps of the Claymore board.

"You mean their disabilities, sir?"

"Their golf handicaps! And tell your colleagues I can see them fooling about!"

The line went dead with a finality that made Jördis wince.

"What did he say?" Tessa enquired whilst the platinum-blonde turned desperate to get her computer fully working.

"That he can see you, and that Production need the 'Larry'-files. What are F07s?"

"Oouh, he's put her on F07 duty...!" Tessa mocked benevolently.

"Wicklebimm is very protective of his F07s," Ji-eun followed.

Jördis pieced her composure back together.

"What kind of name is that anyway? Sounds like a Harry Potter villain."

"Never mind him -- we got a system on this floor." The Korean made an ensuring gesture.

"What do you mean?"

"We stick together. And if one botches up, all of us help out, and she makes it up to us later. Pricklebrimm doesn't need to know what Pricklebrimm doesn't need to know."

"You are explicitly welcome to join, if you want," Tessa offered with a sincere smile.

"Hell, yes!"

After 400 copies she still didn't fully comprehend the meaning of F07s, but at least HR would be content. Back in her cubicle, now without Tessa and "Gretchen", Jördis just resolved the "Larry" issue. Her two new friends had given vital pointers (smack-squish), and she was positive to (smack-squish) fulfil her next assignment as well.

(smack-squish)

Jördis turned her head left and right, with inconclusive results thanks to the office's viscous background noises.

(smack-squish)

She rose from her chair to peek over the front divider. Tessa was busy on the telephone.

(smack-squish)

She checked to the left. Ji-eun's pen was deserted.

(smack-squish)

The annoying noise came from the back. She turned just in time to see a blue something shooting into the air, then surrendering to gravity and disappearing into the cube behind hers.

(smack-squish)

Jördis closed in to the rear divider. Beyond it her eyes were greeted by something best described as a man cave away from man cave. Posters of action flicks, rock bands and video games at every vertical surface. A phalanx of infantile office toys guarding the untidy desk. Amidst the controlled chaos a twenty-something let a blue rubber ball ascend towards the ceiling. Leaning way back in his chair, he was carrying out his day's duty of letting the promotional gift land in his hand with a smacking-squishing sound.

"Excuse me, can you knock that off?"

"Are you the new lass?"

"Accidently yes."

"Didn't know they have put you next to me."

He flashed a boyish smile whilst maintaining a state of serious relaxation.

"I'm Reuben, but I also answer to Rob."

"Jördis."

"Echanté."

In Jördis' experience there were two major categories of lazy blokes. One contained those who just lazed about on expense of others. The second was populated by sages who had mastered the art of delivering sufficient results with minimum effort. Chaps who knew every short cut and, at times, even put deep thoughts into strategies to stay beneath the radar. Rob struck her as firmly rooted within the latter group. He was evidently expanding his leisure way into working hours, but never had anybody had to work a minute longer because of him. Which rendered him quite likable. Jördis did not fail to notice he was also nicely built -- although the empty nibble boxes and soda cans littering his desk confirmed him currently being in his "bulking phase".

"I don't mean to come across as prissy, but can you stop throwing that thing?"

"Why?"

"Because it distracts me. I have work to do."

"Why?"

The tone of sincere curiosity in his voice baffled Jördis.

"Because I need to work. And I need to not get fired on my first day."

"They seldom fire people around here. They just break them mentally to reshape them into mindless, unambitious worker drones," he shared a piece of wisdom with her whilst granting the ball a rest.

"That may be so, but I'm not planning on living out my working days in a cubicle."

"Don't fight it, and after a month you are cuddled into the warm cosy feeling of being dead inside."

"I feel very much alive with Wicklebimm breathing down my neck. One mistake, and I'm getting keelhauled."

Reuben stretched his muscles, sore from a tiresome morning. His shirt tightened across his pecs and slight love handles. Both his sporty frame and the hint of puppy fat in his cheeks made him look young, and Jördis reckoned she had to add a few years to her estimation.

"If it comes to the crunch, the girls will cover up for you. They've thought up that system, you know?"

"So I am told. They were a bit thin on the details, though."

Rob anticipated her follow-up question and dodged it with a sly grin.

"Let the girls show you. I only observe. Have you met Eka yet?"

"I have not."

"Ask her. She has it all worked out."

"You lads got a system too, in case you are being walk in on whilst playing with your blue balls?"

He seemed genuinely amused by her suggestive choice of words.

"Don't need to. See..." he threw the company stress ball up again and almost fell off his chair catching it, "Ficklequimm is a misogynist, in case you haven't noticed. On the downside all fair creatures of your chromosomal disposition are in constant peril. On the upside he leaves us lads alone."

"Great. Now you see why I have to insist you stop throwing that thing in the air."

"Sure, sure. No prob!"

"Thank you, Reuben."

With a sigh she sat back down to (phok-phok-squish) get busy on the handicap issue. Jördis didn't know the first thing about (phok-phok-squish)---

"You've got to be fucking kidding me...!"

Now he was flinging his stupid ball onto the table, letting it bounce off the desktop and then off the divider, back into his hand!

Jördis was already halfway out of her cubicle as her phone went off again. This time she wasn't even able to utter a single sound against a new cascade of menial tasks handed personally down from her gaoler. Head spinning and ears ringing, Jördis hung up to take some deep breaths. She must have done something horrible in her former life. In her agitated state she almost got a heart attack as the stress ball impacted into her keyboard.

"Sorry!"

She jumped up and spun around. Rob sheepishly raised his head above the divider. He flinched as he saw murder in Jördis' eyes.

"Can I have my ball back? Please?"

She grabbed his toy with one hand, with the other she picked up a brand new pencil. Jördis brought both items in front of her and, keeping a steel gaze upon him the whole time, slowly pierced the ball. With a satisfying feedback the graphite overcame the rubbery resistance as it went in, and again as it pushed out on the opposite side.

"Aw, c'mon! Those are so hard to come by!"

"You know what isn't hard to come by? Pencils. I can easily get two more."

Groaning under the weight of eight packs of printer paper a red-faced Jördis stumbled her way towards the copy room. The F07s had been dealt with beautifully. What she had failed to be aware of was that an F07 was supposed to come with its mates F07a, F07b, F07c and F07d. Now the deadline was closing in, and with it the wrath of Wicklebimm.

From the corner of her eye she noticed Reuben catching up with her.

"Are you still mad at me?"

"I'm too busy to be mad," Jördis panted.

"Here, let me help you..."

He took the topmost pack off the pile and gallantly escorted her through the office, but spared her any other form of toxic masculinity.

"I thought you were done copying."

"Me, too", she kept straining behind him.

"Don't tell me you are still on the F07s? HR will throw a fit. They need them to fire all those poor bastards from that French company we've taken over."

"Ironic. Door -- quick!"

Reuben opened the door to the copy room for her, and Jördis half tottered, half fell towards the near-empty table next to the copy machine. With a final effort she let her papery burden slam onto the desktop, sending a pair of hole-punch and stapler into a merry dance.

"Bloody hell...!"

She leant against the machine to catch her breath and shake the cramps out of her arms. Rob entered the small chamber with the final pack in his hand.

"You can't keep'em there."

"What, why not?"

"He whose name shall not be mentioned wants it tidy in here in case the Pope's wife drops by. There's a shelf for stuff like that in the next room."

"But I need the packs here to restock the--- eh, whatever..."

Reuben had been right. She already longed for her higher brain functions to drift into oblivion. The adjacent room offered the same windowless size once the neon light buzzed to life, but differed from the copy place in that it did not sport a door to the open plane office. They stored all but two packs next to toner cartridges and empty binders.

"What's that?"

Jördis nodded towards a waist-high contraption apparently made from divider spare parts. She recognised the distinctive aluminium profiles which created a supporting skeleton for a board-like piece of blue cube wall.

"That's something the girls have come up with to create a safe and non-judgemental working environment," Rob stated evasively. He showed the struggle of somebody knowing a really funny, but also really inappropriate joke.

"By building hurdles for company fitness day?"

He made a vague gesture, and Jördis wasn't willing to lose any more time. Back in the other room she fired up the copier and ensured a steady supply of dead trees to it. Since Reuben had already turned out to be unfit for methodical work, she kicked him out to have at least a bit of space. She had planned on printing one hundred of each form by turns. Like this she could sort and staple them as the next batch was churned out. A wise plan. Right to the point when the copier decided to jam. And to jump to A3 size. And print in purple.

When she had finally overcome these obstacles -- mostly by punching the control panel and expressing some truly dark thoughts -- , the clock had moved on to a quarter past one. There was no way that Jördis, kneeling on the floor between piles of paper, could transform this chaos into 400 sets of documents within the next forty-five minutes.

"You need some help, love?"

The blonde woman who had appeared in the doorframe had assessed the situation quite correctly. Jördis had tried to avoid looking completely unapt on her first day, but that resolution had gone out of the window for good. She rose and smoothed out her skirt in defeat.

"I'm afraid I do."

"No need to be afraid. You must be Jördis. I'm Ekaterina."

Jördis shook the offered hand. Ekaterina turned her head to scan the office, an action which sent her very high and very tight pony tail into a perfect motion. She beckoned into the busy area, and soon Tessa and Divi were at the ready.

"You summoned?" the Korean reported.

"Can the both of you spare half an hour?"

Tessa stole a glance of the paper landscape on the copy room floor.

"Let me guess: puzzling F07s together?"

"Sorry," Jördis groaned meekly, "I will make it up to you girls."

"Yes, don't worry about that. Ji-eun and Theresa are going to support you," stated Ekaterina and gave a short nod to the duo.

The woman with the stern hair-do obviously wielded some unwritten authority around here. Although not intimidated as such, Jördis considered it a good idea to take her seriously. Which was totally okay with her right now. Thanks to Ekaterina's detailing of Divi and Tessa, the tedious work was not only dealt with in a third of the time, but also under a considerably lighter mood.

"Thank you so much! You've literally saved me. If there's anything I can do for you..."

Jördis let her last sentence fade out as both Tessa and Divi flashed mischievous grins.

"What?" Jördis smiled unsurely.

"If you could stay a bit longer after work," Tessa almost giggled.

"Sure. Why?"

"So, what's the matter?"

It was past five now, and the only remaining people of the office had gathered in the side room with the paper shelves. More precisely, four of them had cornered Jördis in it. The new girl was feeling more uneasy by the minute as she looked at each of her colleagues. Ekaterina -- neither Eka nor Kati -- carried an austere look on her face, whereas Tessa was almost jumping up and down with excitement. Divi's cattish sneer had made way for an irritated frown as soon as Reuben had shown up. Leaning in the inner door's frame, he was fumbling idly with his interpretation of a tie knot.

"What is Doofus doing here? This isn't bloke business."

"He's here to ensure an orderly course of events," Ekaterina declared.

"I am? Actually I just strolled by to annoy Deviant Divi."

Ekaterina quickly brought everybody on the same page, especially their new colleague.

"I understand that you have been informed about our system of compensation."

"In passing," Jördis trot carefully.

"Originally, if one of us asked for a professional favour, she would bake a cake in return or show her gratitude in some other quaint way. But come this year we have decided to switch to a less stereotypical concept, moving away from positive reimbursement and towards negative reinforcement."

"Are you going to spank me?" Jördis tried to laugh it off.

"Way more sophisticated," Tessa sprang into action.

From the corner she pulled the ominous dwarf divider to the centre of the room. Her enthusiasm came in handy, as the construction was surprisingly heavy and stable. Its feet stretched out to the sides twice as far as the ones on the tall counterparts creating the cubes. Therefore it was secured against tilting even without a cross section.

"Please remove your shoes and undies," Ekaterina ordered.

"Wha---?"

"Your blazer, too."

Jördis looked at them, stunned. Ekaterina was dead-serious. Tessa was clasping her hands in front of her chest as though she was waiting for Jördis to blow out the candles on her birthday cake. Divi mouthed a wicked "do it!". Rob suddenly felt caught and turned around with a "sorry!" to give her some completely meaningless privacy. Jördis started with the easiest part. If she played along for a bit, everything would soon turn out to be some bizarre joke. She took her blazer off, folded it neatly and put it on the shelf. Her audience's expectations did not change. Jördis sighed and kicked her heels off.

"Seriously, is this some rite of passing?"

Ekaterina's gaze remained stalwart. From the door Reuben got either too bored or too excited.

"Can I look again?"

"No! Perv!" Divi scolded first him, then Jördis: "C'mon, knickers to the carpet!"

She should just go. Make a run for it, if necessary. Jördis did not believe Rob would harm her, but then again, he wouldn't have to. He just had to keep standing in the door frame. She could not squeeze herself past him, and it was physically impossible for her to push him aside. Tessa was too cute to try anything. Jördis could probably take Ji-eun, but of Ekaterina she was close to be terrified. With a tightening throat she brought her hands underneath her skirt and hooked her thumbs into the lace. A last moment of hesitation, then she quickly pulled the hipsters down and stepped out of them.