The Pianist and His Lover

"I know that. For me too. You know that I love you and I always will."

"As I love you."

"I've known that this day was coming," she said, "when I saw you and Helen looking at each other as you shared your music in the videos. I knew that the end was coming quickly.

"She can offer you so much that I can't. I could never leave Tom; I wouldn't hurt him that way. And I could never be with you on a permanent basis; it would work now, but how could I expect you to stay with me when you are 45 and I'm 57?"

She wept again, and I held her as we lay there in bed. As always in our affair, she understood.

Eventually we showered and ordered breakfast served in the room. If this was the last time, then we would be alone together this last morning.

"Jeremy? Can we still be friends?" she asked.

I was astonished.

"Of course. I love you and I admire Tom and hope that he can be my friend as well. And I hope that you can be Helen's friend too."

"I will, although it will be difficult to keep my jealousy in check!" she said with a chuckle.

I touched her hand, "I will treasure the memories of our time together, but the time is right for us to break it off. I need to know that I can be with Helen and not feel guilty about sneaking around with you. But I will always be a little jealous of Tom as well."

And with that, we parted for the last time as lovers, and met only as friends in the future.

~~*~~

I returned to Washington and was greeted by an ecstatic Helen. Just that day, the first chair cello had finally given in to his age and declining skills — his arthritic hands and diminishing hearing — and Helen was promoted to the position that everyone knew she should have held for at least three years. We went out that evening and celebrated before coming home and making love.

That night showed me that Helen and I were meant to be together. I could be relaxed with her in a way that was never possible with Ericka. I didn't have to be stressed about how long we could be together before we had to return to our rooms; I didn't have to worry about Tom suddenly showing up. I didn't have to be careful not to show too much affection for Ericka in public or when we were with other patrons.

Honestly, another factor was that I always felt sexually young and inexperienced compared to Ericka, who had been something of a wild child in her college days. With Helen, it was I who was the teacher, not the student.

Just by having more time to be with each other and none of the constraints that would always have limited Ericka and I, Helen and I began to know each other to a greater depth than I ever did Ericka.

I didn't propose to Helen in front of the entire NSO, and I didn't find a public venue that would embarrass her (or perhaps me if she said no!) I proposed one evening after dinner, when I asked her to come with me into our living room and seated her on the couch. Then I knelt down and asked her to marry me, offering her a ring that I had purchased. It was not small, but it wasn't ostentatious either.

She said yes, put on the ring, and then pulled me up onto the couch with her where she kissed me over and over again. We followed that with a night filled with passion.

It wasn't that long afterwards, just a couple of months before Helen and I visited with our respective parents. My parents were crazy about her! As a musician himself, my father was looking forward to our having a life filled with joy and music. My mother thought that it was time for some grandchildren. I teased her about whether she would move to our place to babysit while we rehearsed and performed. Then I was a little worried when she seemed to be considering it. But she was just calling my bluff. She eventually laughed and admitted to me she wouldn't even consider leaving our long-time home and her husband — even to take care of grandkids.

My father had a talk with me when we were alone while the women went out shopping.

"Son, may I ask, what happened to Ericka?" he said with a chuckle.

"Dad, she wasn't a romantic interest; she was in essence my manager up front to get my career going. Now that I have a real agent and a PR person, and other support people, she is less and less involved every day."

"Hmmm," he replied, "I got the vibe that there was more to it than that, but that makes no never mind. Helen is a talented, kind, warm and lovely young woman who I think fits well with you. Your Mom and I can see the love in your eyes whenever you are together, and that is what's important."

We moved on to Helens parents. I think that they thought that I was almost good enough for their daughter. They were not musicians and were surprised in life when their daughter turned out to be a talented and ambitious cellist.

Her mother loved me. Her dad was, well, a little more skeptical.

"I wasn't sure that she would ever be able to make enough money playing music to support herself, much less have a family," her father confessed to me. "But she tells me that you and she are doing alright. I'm glad to hear that."

Helen and her mother were off, probably talking about weddings.

Our next stop was to see Saul. Saul had started having problems getting around on his own (he was 93 years old, for goodness sake), so he had moved himself into an independent living place. It was not like the old style rest home; rather he had a two-bedroom apartment with a sitting room, a small kitchenette ("Cook? Me cook? Never in my life!" he told us,) with a refrigerator ("To keep drinks cold for my guests".)

"I'm so happy to see you, Jeremy. And it is so good to meet you, Helen. They show me the videos. Of course I still speak with your patrons. The two of you getting married? That is a good thing. We all need another to love."

He had been greatly saddened when his wife had passed away at 89, leaving him alone.

"If you are going to have children; what? You are? Good. I give you permission to name one of them Saul, after your old teacher."

Maybe he couldn't get around as well as he had, but he was still sharp as a tack.

And our final visit of the trip was to see Tom and Ericka. Ericka had insisted, and I think that Helen was excited to see her again.

The situation was different now. I was concertizing enough now that I had paid my own way for the past 9 months. I still had the resources available to me if I needed them, but I hadn't and wouldn't unless I truly need them for an emergency. But I still owed my patrons, and Ericka the most.

We arrived at the mansion late in the afternoon. Tom greeted us and showed us up to the suite where I usually stayed when I was there. We hadn't seen Ericka yet. Tom said she would join us for dinner.

When we arrived in the dining room, Ericka was already seated, while Tom stood to greet us.

"Jeremy and Helen," Tom said, "I understand that congratulations are in order."

I smiled, "Yes, thank you. I have asked Helen to be my wife and she has accepted. I would give you more details about the wedding, but it is still in the planning stage. Needless to say, I hope that you both will come and be part of the wedding party!"

Tom grinned, "I think that we would be happy to be there to see two fine young friends getting married. I just hope that the two of you will be as happy together as Ericka and I have been."

We all raised the flute of champagne in front of us, and lifted the glasses.

"Here is to Jeremy and Helen!"

We put down the glasses and Tom smiled again.

"And Ericka and I have a surprise to share with you two as well! Ericka, stand up."

She did and I could hear Helen gasp. Ericka was obviously pregnant!

"We have a little one on the way!" Ericka said, almost shouting with joy.

Then there were two women doing a little happy dance together, Helen as excited as Ericka.

"How far along are you?" Helen queried.

"Sixteen weeks!" Ericka replied, and right after she answered, she looked me right in the eye. Was she telling me something? We had been together sixteen weeks prior.

"Tom and I had decided that we should have a child before I was too old, so as soon as you were completely set up and your career was moving forward without me, we would start trying. I'd gone off the pill a couple of months before, and within a month after that, well, you can see the results. A little boy, who I hope will grow up playing piano for his mother!"

Tom was beaming with pride.

After dinner, we all had a joyous reunion, and spent the evening recalling recent successes and talking about future plans.

The next morning, we had breakfast together, but before we left, Helen and Erica went off for a little alone time for the 'girls'. They came back laughing, arm in arm, looking like the greatest of friends.

Shortly after that, Helen and I left to catch our flight back home.

ERICKA

It was so painful seeing Jeremy with Helen. I tried to hide my feelings and keep my jealousy under control. I knew that Helen was better for him than I was. Not because I was married to Tom; I lied to Jeremy, because I would have left Tom in a heartbeat if Jeremy had really wanted me to. Still, it would be unfair to saddle him with a wife so much older than he is.

I don't understand why I feel so strongly about him.

Tom and Jeremy actually look a lot alike, except that Tom is almost twice as old as Jeremy. They are both good men. They are both good lovers. The only area that Jeremy excels at is playing piano. I must be crazy to be so obsessed with him.

Last night was a once-in-a-lifetime meeting. Tom was clearly pleased that Jeremy had proposed to Helen. I was already prepared for that; I'd known it was going to happen after I saw their most recent video. You can fake a lot, but the relaxed way that they held each other; the look of pure love that Helen had in her eyes as Jeremy gave her the single red rose, those couldn't be faked. They hurt me, but I knew what was coming.

But I had my own surprise for Jeremy.

When I announced that I was sixteen weeks pregnant I looked at Jeremy and I could almost see him counting the last time when we were together in his head. The answer is: he might be the father of the little boy in my womb. I really don't know.

Short of a DNA test, no one will know. Tom and Jeremy have similar coloring with shades of blondish hair, a similar build, a similar height. They are both type 'A' blood, as am I, so a simple blood test won't reveal my secret.

Tom is so proud of himself, having fathered a child at his age. He will be in his '60's by the time our son goes away to college. I know he will be a good father because he is a good husband. He will be there to nurture his son; to teach him how to throw a football and a baseball. He will be there as his son grows up to be a man.

Who knows? If we don't wait, I could have another child before I'm too old.

But I won't use my baby to cause either of my men any grief. I will go to my grave with the secret of Jeremy's and my affair, and if he is indeed the father of this child, it would only be in the most dire of emergencies that I will tell him.

Is it selfish of me? Yes. But this may be the only way that I can still keep a small part of Jeremy, who I think is most likely the father.

JEREMY & HELEN

Jeremy and Helen's flight home was uneventful, but it was still mid-afternoon before they got home. It took a little more time to get settled and then it was dinnertime. Tired from their travels, they went to bed early, and slept until morning.

Jeremy was first out of bed and didn't want to wake Helen, so he went into the kitchen and fixed a pot of coffee. Then he sat there thinking about the day before with Tom and Ericka.

"Damn," he thought, "If Ericka's right about the 16 weeks, she and I were still making love. And that look she gave me when she announced it? Was she telling me that it was mine, or that it wasn't? Women! Never giving you a straight answer, always giving hints and clues, but not just telling you what you want to know."

He was so deep in thought that he didn't notice Helen softly walking into the kitchen behind him. She came up on him and gave him a kiss, leaning over his shoulder.

"What are you doing, Jeremy?"

"Drinking my coffee and thinking."

"Well, as long as we are both up, let's have some breakfast."

Breakfast turned out to be a couple of eggs, over easy, with two slices of whole wheat bread each. When they had finished and cleaned up, Helen smiled at Jeremy.

"You know, we haven't made love for at least a couple of days, and we don't have anywhere that we have to be this morning..."

"If you are suggesting what I think you are," and he took a quick step towards the bedroom, "last one into bed gets to give oral first!"

"Hey, that's no fair, you're cheating!" Helen called out trying to catch up.

After they had taken care of their very pressing business and were laying there, satisfied and worn out, Helen looked at Jeremy, with a much more serious look on her face.

"Jeremy, tell me the truth. Were you and Ericka sleeping together? I've seen the two of you together, and you are so close. You just seemed so comfortable with each other; almost too comfortable."

Jeremy had considered that this question might come up and had thought about his answer. He was going to tell the truth, but not the whole truth.

"Yes, Helen. Ericka and I have had an on-off affair since she became one of my patrons. We would sleep together when I was performing in places where she was with me on behalf of the group of patrons."

"Well, that answers how long. But when did it stop?"

This was where Jeremy was going to be a bit slippery.

"As soon as you approached me to play duets with you, we had a chance to get to know each other and I broke it off with Ericka so that I would be free of any entanglements. So, I don't remember exactly how long ago that was, but that was when."

Helen nodded, thinking to herself, "At least he isn't the father of Ericka's child."

"I'm surprised that she continued to work with us getting the whole video project set up," Helen observed.

"We didn't part on bad terms. We always knew that the affair had an end date. And I don't think that she was surprised. She saw you and I together and understood that what we had was deeper than just a 'friends with benefits' relationship.

"I think that there was another factor as well. Tom had never indicated a desire for children, but when he knew that I wasn't going to need her for very much longer, he thought that she would have a vacuum in her life and that having a child might help fill the void. He told me that.

"I just hope that, even though you know about Ericka and me, that we can remain friends with Tom and her. She really isn't any sort of threat to you. And they are good people. In fact, I like Tom a great deal, and I don't want to drop them because," he used his fingers to make air quotes, " 'I don't need them anymore.'"

"I'm loyal to my friends, and they've been good friends, just like Saul was not just my teacher, but a good friend to me as well."

Helen mulled what I said over for a minute or so, as we sat there naked together in our bed.

"Well, I guess I can accept that. I can understand completely. Ericka is a charming and beautiful woman. I like her too, but I think I've known from the beginning that she was really into you. And, after all, the two of you spent so much time working together.

"But from now on, Buster Brown, you can be friends, but nothing more than friends. You hear me?"

What could I say other than, "Yes, boss, I hear you, loud and clear."

~~*~~

I waited for a week to call her.

"Ericka?"

"Jeremy, is that you?"

"Of course. Who else's phone say "Jeremy" when it your phone rings?"

"More than that. Your ring on my phone is you playing the first few bars of the Schumann Piano Concerto, so I know it is you even before I see the screen."

"I was just calling up to check on you, you know, see how you are doing."

"I'm good. I think. I still miss you when you're not around."

I explained that my hope was that we could remain friends, and not just me, but Helen as well. I didn't tell her that I'd told Helen that we had been lovers.

"So how is the pregnancy going?"

"Not too bad. I had a little morning sickness early on. That was why I went to my O.B. for a pregnancy test originally."

"Ericka, should I just be straightforward with it: Am I the father? You know that if I am, I would be responsible and we would figure out what to do, right?"

She laughed.

"Jeremy, that is you through and through, ready to step up to your responsibilities. You're such a good man. But, no. Tom is the father, so you don't need to worry about it."

"OK, but always let me know if there is anything you need from me. You were there for me when I needed you."

"Thank you Jeremy. Maybe you'll come up and play for the fundraiser this year. In fact, bring Helen and her cello and you can play some of your duets. You are becoming famous as a duet as well as a solo pianist, you know."

"I will definitely be there. I'm pretty sure that I can get Helen there as well.

"All right, my sweet, let's talk later and straighten out the details."

"Okay. Bye now, my love."

As I sat back in my chair and reflected, I realized that I did love Ericka, but it was not the love for Helen and it never could be. I think that she put me on a pedestal, and because we were never together for a long period of time, she never saw my feet of clay. And I was sure that if we had lived together for longer periods of time, I would have seen her faults as well.

I didn't regret my affair with Ericka, but it was good that it had come to an end.

Helen was my future.

~~*~~

5 Years later...

ERICKA

I was sitting on the back porch of our beach house, watching Tom Jr. — Tommy to one and all — running around like a wild child on the large lawn. It was what you would expect from a healthy almost-five-year-old boy.

Helen and Jeremy were also out on the lawn, playing with their three-and-a-half-year-old son, Saul (Solly to everyone, at least for now) and their 18-month old daughter, Clara (named after Clara Wiecks-Schumann, I suppose.)

They were up here visiting us for a couple of days prior to a fundraising event concert; the same group that heard Jeremy's debut recital years ago. Was it seven or eight? Anyway, the tickets this time were sold out and most at a premium to the face price. Jeremy and the duet of Helen and Jeremy were musical stars these days.

Watching Jeremy didn't hurt as much any more. We were friends, because I would take anything I could get. I think that I always loved Jeremy more than he loved me. After we (actually 'he') decided to end the affair, he had been able to put me aside and commit himself whole to Helen. Even I could see that. But I still had Tom, and that was not a bad situation. I did love Tom, and he loved Tommy and me.

I suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up behind me and saw Tom standing there, tall and handsome. I pulled his hand to my lips and kissed it.

"Ericka, my love, this is a sight I had never expected to see. My wife and my son hanging out in the backyard with our good friends, Helen and Jeremy. I have to confess, early on when you decided to help out Jeremy with his career, I saw this young skinny guy who you claimed was going to be huge in the music world, I didn't really believe you.

"But then he played that for that fundraiser and my eyes were opened. He was as good as any pianist I'd ever heard. And I watched over the next couple of years while you took this young guy in hand and turned him into a mature performer. I'm really proud of what you did. But I think that I'm even more proud of the great mother you've become to Tommy. I love you so much!"

"And I love you too. And I'm so glad that we decided to have Tommy! The two of you have made me complete! You've made me so happy."