The Pleasure of Your Company

Her body tingled. But she gave herself a slap on the cheeks with some cold water and ordered herself to stay under control. Just keep it under wraps till we get home, she told herself. We'll figure it out then.

She arrived at a decision as she dried her hands and face and made her way back through the parlor to the exterior where they waited. She would not allow herself to allow her sister to do this again. She would stand up for herself and what was rightfully hers—keeping the point not to think of Isaac as any sort of property she'd claimed or staked a flag on—but with the new knowledge that his significance to her might be one of more than mere friendship, she marched with determination back outside.

She would just have to tell Isaac how she felt. Or...how she thought she might feel. That as unlikely as it might have seemed, she thought she actually might be coming down with some romantic feelings for him, this man whom she'd never intended to date, but felt perfectly content having in her life as a pleasant buddy. In private, she thought at first, but as she weighed out the factors, it might prove beneficial to her to have her sister in on this conversation. If Sasha knew how she possibly felt about Isaac, she might actually back off and leave them be. Yes, Alex thought. She's not a vindictive person, not in the least. As much as she fantasized about painfully mutilating Sasha sometimes, Sasha, that perfect little snake, of course loved her. She was the eternal optimist. The fount of endless positivity. And it drove Alexandra in-sane.

Don't get carried away, she warned herself as she turned the corner and they entered her sight line. They were standing. They had evidently paid for the dessert and left the waiter a tip, and would now be on their way. Ah, good, she thought. Perhaps she could do this while they were driving back to the rec center. She'd have the advantage of sitting beside Isaac up front in his car, laying it all out for him at her pace and convenience, and Sasha could still hear how she felt about things, in the backseat.

They waved as they noticed her returning. "Hey, sweetie!" Sasha called to her. "Guess what?!"

She neared them. She'd have to guess what later. "Sasha, Isaac...I've gotta tell you guys something. But maybe we c—"

Isaac didn't mean to interrupt her, but he was too excited.

"Alex, Sasha's taking me to London next week!"

"...

"...W—...what?"

"Yeah! Well, I have to go back early next week to get going on the next show," Sasha took over, "And Isaac told me he's got some vacation time coming up from work, and, well, things just kinda went from there!"

"She's got it all planned for us, Alex. She's gonna book us a couple of suites in one of the finest hotels they've got, then she's making me an itinerary of things I can do while she's working on the show. And when she's not busy she's going to take me sightseeing, then she wants to invite me to her TV taping on Friday, and then the best part—"

"Oh! Lemme do this one," Sasha volunteered. "We're gonna go dancing in Trafalgar Square!"

"I can't believe it!" exclaimed Isaac. "Isn't that incredible??"

Alexandra was frozen.

"Oh, gosh," said Sasha. "I think we might've overwhelmed her a little. She just came back outside, and we just sprang this on her right out of the blue." She approached Alex and took her hands. "I'm sorry this probably seems so sudden, Allie. It was just all so spur-of-the-moment. Honest to goodness, we were just chatting, everything was all casual and off-the-cuff, and then, just...boom!"

Alexandra was still completely frozen.

Isaac and Sasha began to get concerned. "Whoa, Alex, you all right?" asked Isaac. "Did we give you a little too much of a shock?"

Alex told herself to move already before some pigeons flew over and perched on her.

"Oh, no! No, of course not!" she waved. "It's...it's just...just such f—...fantastic news, that's all! That's awesome, guys!"

She held out her arms and they came in together for a group hug.

Alex, what the hell?! she berated herself. Come on, tell them what you have to say!

No, she refused. I can't do that now. It might spoil things for them.

"Spoil things"?! Alex, you can't tell them they don't deserve to be happy if that means being together, but in case you've forgotten this, you do too! Your life may be cursed, but you're still a good person!

Yeah, well, whether or not I deserve to be happy, that's not gonna happen right now. This is a lose-lose situation for me.

How the hell do you figure that?! Worst-case scenario: you tell them how you feel, they laugh in your face, go off on their little trip together and come back married with five kids. Come on, Alex, that is so not gonna happen.

I'll assume for the moment you're joking. Okay, point taken, but regardless, I can't say anything right now. The timing's all wrong. They're not leaving until next week. I'll work it in sometime between now and then.

They broke from the group hug and got in the car. Alexandra kept a smile showing on the outside of her face so that her happy façade wouldn't be betrayed by the gaping crack that had just opened in her heart.

***

September 25th, 1:48 a.m.

Shortly after midnight, Alex called her boss at work and left a message—thankful she'd be able to do this via voice-mail at this time of the night—feeling bad about it, but faking sick, which wasn't very difficult in her naturally deep, geared-down voice. She apologized for being ill (as well as to herself for lying about it), but she could tell she wouldn't be able to make it into work today. Bowl two of her strawberry ice cream had turned her belly a little upset, so it wasn't a complete lie. The greater truth, however, was that she was far more prepared physically to go to work than mentally. She didn't see herself being able to get a lot of sleep tonight.

She booted her computer, opened a document and began typing out her feelings. She wasn't sure if she wanted to do this in the form of a letter to Isaac (and/or to her sister—though penning correspondence to Sasha might involve having to talk herself out of including death threats), or just a personal electronic journal entry, but either way, she had to get it all out and written down. She didn't think she could bear to keep it bottled inside. But after about half an hour of soul-searching and randomly pecking out things she wasn't even sure were entirely true or not, she decided her best course of action was to write a letter, just being totally honest, and determine later to whom to address it, and whether or not to send it.

Dear...

It's me. Hi. I'm writing this letter following our ice cream venture on the evening of the 24th. I've decided this is a necessary thing for me to do after having come to a realization this evening. Isaac, it may have been only three weeks ago, but when I signed up for our class I couldn't possibly have expected to meet someone like you, let alone strike up the sort of bond we have together. I'm not terribly good with words or articulately expressing myself, but I want to tell you that I definitely like you, Isaac. I don't know for certain if I can absolutely call you my best friend ever, but it hasn't exactly been an Earth-shaking horse race thus far, and I will say for sure that you've claimed a guaranteed spot in the top three.

Now begins the hard part.

Isaac, I will agree that when we went out for supper that first time, three weeks ago, I wasn't interested in you as anything more than my friend. I was being honest with you at that time, when I said I wasn't looking for anything romantic. I really wasn't. The scant amount of love I've come in contact with in my life has been too unkind to me. I know, shocker, right? I must sound like a broken record by now. I'm sorry for being such a whiner. But I've been much too scared of having my heart broken again.

But Isaac, my dear (friend), the more time we spent together, the more I think my feelings for you have actually grown. I've enjoyed myself more during our visits together the last couple weeks than I can remember in years. Meeting and hanging out with you has been a breath of fresh air for me. I mean that. Things are nice when you're around, Isaac. You have a way of making me forget about my "curse." Really. I'm very very glad you asked me to spend some time with you that first night and I said yes.

Now, this is not going to be easy for me to say. I know I said that already, but, I found out tonight I really like the way you touch me, and hold my hand, and put your arm around me. It feels very good, Isaac. And I really was cold, what with the ice cream—I wasn't lying about that either—and when I asked you to put your arm around me and you did, it warmed me up all right, but I didn't know it would warm me up quite this much. I promised myself I wouldn't tell you this, but I'm lousy at keeping promises. When I was in the restroom, I was thinking about the way you touched me, and the way it felt and all, and, I actually got a little, well, you might say excited. Not like out-of-control randy in a crazy way or anything, but it made me wonder if I actually like you more than I thought I did.

Isaac, as terrible of me as this may sound, to say that I wish my sister hadn't shown up tonight is an understatement. Trust me, I know how selfish this must seem, but, I have lost what feels like ALL my friends and boyfriends to her my entire life. Oh, I feel like a slime ball for saying this—it feels like I'm throwing all the blame on her, when it's probably just me who's at fault—but Isaac, my friend, I swear, it's God's honest truth. And, tonight, it just seemed to happen all over again.

Oh, gosh, now it also feels like I'm blaming you. I'm so sorry. I don't want to blame you for anything, Isaac. Now I wish I hadn't gone to the restroom. I feel horrible for saying that, 'cause when I came out and you told me you were going away with Sasha...

Now what? She was entitled to her feelings, but she didn't know if she was entitled to tell him that the idea of him flying off anywhere with her sister deflated her heart and made her ill to her stomach. She reminded herself that this wasn't an Instant Message. She wasn't sending this straight to him sentence by sentence with every stroke of the Enter key. She could write down whatever she wished, and she didn't actually have to send this at all. She could edit all she wanted before sending. She wanted so much to be able to tell him all this, but she wanted even more to be able to do it in a way that wouldn't hurt anyone's feelings. Even Sasha's. Sasha drove her crazy, but she was her sister. Alex loved her. Even when she hated her, she loved her. She was family.

She needed a short break. She got up, stretched, went to the kitchen and tapped herself a glass of water. She checked the clock. 2:44. Good Heaven. Yes, she had certainly done the right thing—or at least the smart, sensible thing—calling in sick from work. She still wasn't anywhere near ready for bed. She just had to finish the letter first, which by this time would appear solely addressed to Isaac. She slipped into the bathroom to tinkle and returned to the computer with her water. She gave her head a little shake, flexed her fingers and continued typing.

...it was a little too much for me to be able to handle. All I could think about was my sister taking you away from me. I know it probably didn't seem that way to you or Sasha, but...

...Oh...there's no end to that sentence.

Isaac, you are my true friend, and I think I might want you to be more than just that. I'm so confused. I have no right to ask you to please not to go away with her, you're your own person, and you must make your own decisions, but...

A tear plinked on her wrist.

...you mean so much to me, and I'm so scared of losing you, as a friend or anything else, that I'm actually crying as I'm writing this. That's so manipulative of me, but I really am. There are tears down my cheeks right now—if I lie, I die. I'm aware of what a rock and a hard place I'm putting you in if I do send this to you and you do read it. Believe me, Isaac, it feels really rotten to impose on you like this and put you in this position. I'm considering not including this part in this letter, because you just looked so happy and excited when you guys told me what was going on tonight. You're my friend, Isaac, and I want you to be happy. I just wish it doesn't have to come at the expense of my happiness. I wish I could be the one to take you on such a wonderful trip. I told you my sister was Miss Perfect, and how jealous I was of her, and I guess you can tell I was serious.

I still haven't decided how much of this I'm going to include or if I'm even going to send this letter to you at all. To be honest, I'd rather have you come to visit me so I could read it to you. Writing to you about such intimate feelings, E-mail and the phone strike me as really impersonal. Although right now, believe it or not, it's actually about 3:00 in the morning, and if I thought you were awake, I would want to call you just to hear your voice. I can't think of too much more I want to say, so I guess I should go try to get some sleep. I really, really hope to be able to talk to you before next week. But if I don't get to, I hope you have the best time ever on your trip. God bless you, Isaac. I want you to be as happy as possible. Take care of yourself. I'll call or IM you soon.

Lov

Yours tru

Sincer

Your frie

Love,

Alex

***

September 25th, 5:49 p.m.

Alexandra did eventually get to sleep in the later wee hours of twilight, once her letter was done. When she woke, she took advantage of her day off, doing some household chores and grocery shopping. Isaac's normal shift at the pet store wrapped at 4:30-ish, give or take a few minutes depending on any supplemental tasks they sometimes asked he perform, like adding receipts or updating adoption statuses. Alex wished to lose as little time as possible. She made sure all her groceries were put away and concentrated on whatever additional fall cleaning touches she could apply until roughly 5:00, giving Isaac ample time to get home from work.

She knew he was on the Net a lot, so not wanting to ambush him right as he walked in the door with an urgent call, she loitered online a bit, one eye on her contact lists. Sure enough, at 5:07 his name lit up under her buddy list, as subsequently did her eyes.

She double-clicked on his name. When the window opened, she entered a Smiley Emoticon and typed—

HI!

After a moment, the screen showed that he'd seen her message and was responding.

HEY ALEX, WHAT'S UP?

WELL, ACTUALLY, ISAAC, THERE'S SOMETHING I WANNA TALK TO YOU ABOUT. AND IT'S A LITTLE COMPLICATED TO DO ON THE INTERNET, AND EVEN ON THE PHONE, HONESTLY. COULD YOU PLEASE COME OVER TO MY APARTMENT?

The online conversation was very short. He could. He asked her for a quick recess so he could change into something comfier, quickly ran by the convenience store for a couple bottles of juice and a package of small microwaveable cheeseburgers—he got the feeling she could use a little quick comfort food—and followed the directions she'd given him to her apartment.

She was happier to see him than he'd expected. She welcomed him in with a nice hug and a peck on the cheek. She gratefully took the cheeseburgers to go toss in the freezer, discreetly stopped by her printer to retrieve the letter she'd written to him which was now printed out, and sat with him on her sofa. He had meanwhile opened the bottles of juice.

"Do you want the apple, orange, cranberry or grape?" he asked.

"Oh, I...it doesn't matter," she replied. "I'll have whichever one you'd like to give m—...

"Actually," she added, thinking about this long letter she was going to be reading him, "On second thought...cranberry."

She read him the letter. She had actually opted not to take out or change a thing from the original draft. It may have been raw, but it was true, and straight-shot, right from her gut. Editing the letter, she felt, would compromise the sheer emotion, heart and honesty she'd put into the writing. Almost tearing up again reading the words she'd written approximately fifteen hours before, Alex had to clear her throat a number of times and take several swigs of cranberry juice to get through it. Isaac patiently let her finish, processing his thoughts.

When Alex was done, she turned the pages over and laid them on her lap. She sat solemnly, head down, eyes closed, pacingly swallowing, awaiting what he would have to say. The juice and saliva soothed her now half-hoarse throat.

A number of minutes passed. Finally, she heard his voice.

"Gosh...this...wow..."

She looked up. His face bore an unplaceable emotion.

"...This is a lot for one span of twenty-four hours."

She looked back down at her hands in her lap.

"I...I had no idea you felt this way, Alex."

She nodded. "I know," she mouthed.

"I mean, I...y'know, I figured we were pretty good friends, and both of us were on basically the same page with that, and..."

He let it trail off. Just like the previous night immediately following the news of the trip Sasha was taking him on, Alex was frozen in her position. She didn't want to move or speak until he kept talking. It was also quite amazing to her that as he said, all this had taken place in the equivalent of a single day. In another thirty minutes, it would be twenty-four hours since their most recent class.

"Well, Alex, I mean...yeah, she's gonna take me on this trip, and I was certainly planning to go, but..." He laid his hand on top of hers. "...But, it's not like I'm just gonna stop being your friend! I mean, Sasha's an angel, and I've never met anyone like her, but even if she was plotting some sinister way to 'steal' me from you—which I'm sure she's not—it's not like she has this magical hold over me that makes me do whatever she wants," he chuckled.

She lifted her head to gaze at him with her glassy, moist shimmering eyes.

"But I've also never met anyone like you before, either. I mean, I think you two are such an amazing pair of sisters," Isaac went on. "I feel really privileged and lucky to have gotten to know both of you. I wouldn't want to lose either of you as my friends or have to choose between you, if it was up to me. Alex, you're so caring, and kind, and soulful, deep and wonderful..."

The corners of Alexandra's mouth began to curl up into a smile again. His sweet words culled the tears from her eyes.

"...And Sasha's just terrific too: she's so free, and spirited, and enthusiastic, and full of life and love...she's wonderful too!" Isaac went on, unaware that hearing about how great Sasha was made Alexandra want to do violent things. "And Alex, she loves you. She's always worshiped you, ever since you were kids. She told me herself. She said she couldn't ask for a greater big sister."

Alex's face went into bewilderment. "She...told you that?...When, last night?"

"No, no, actually, it was today at lunch. Alex, she had just so many nice things to say about you! She—"

Alexandra's eyebrows almost leapt right off her forehead. She had to double-check that. She held up her hands.

"Whoa, whoa, Isaac, hold on a second, back up," she said. "You two had lunch together today?"