The Queen of My Heart

How could I have confused the two women, one who I saw every day and the other who had walked out on us eleven years earlier? Really, it takes a special kind of stupid to do something like that. I had fucked my daughter in my own bed, and while one part of my mind told me that it was good, the Annie's Dad part of me wanted to take me out the back and beat my fucking head in.

Just then Annie stirred next to me. "Dada? Are you still awake." She asked in a sleepy voice.

"Forgive me, darling, I've done a terrible thing. I'm going to go and sit downstairs for a while -- you stay there."

I dragged my Jedi dressing gown on and went down stairs, threw a log onto the wood-burner and started warming the room up a bit.

The soft scuff of bare feet on the flags at the foot of the stairs made me turn and I lost my breath again.

She was achingly beautiful, even with her newly cut hair, but still wearing her old dressing gown, rust-red with a deep collar.

She walked over and took my hand, wrapping it in hers and holding it below her chin.

"You did nothing wrong dada. Nothing at all." She told me, her voice quiet, but with a deep seriousness, the one that sometimes made me wonder which of us was the grown up. "This was always going to be -- you just never understood that."

"I've always loved you, dada, loved you for the way you loved me, for working hard to clothe me and feed me, for your stories and walking me to school, for looking after me when I was ill. And when mum left I knew I would have to look after you as well. I knew you'd need me. I made it my job to look after you, dada, the way you looked after me.

"I had an idea for a trick or treat, I was going to spook you by doing the mum-thing down the field. But as I worked out the details and as I was doing it I realised that there was still a big hole in your life, and it was a hole I needed to fill.

"Dada -- I realised I loved you like woman loves a man, and, and -- well you know the rest.

"I never meant to shock you, dada, I promise but something happened. You, me, something happened to both of us tonight. And what it means is I'm your woman now, dada, like mum was, now I am."

And I knew looking back at all of the last eleven years that she was saying was true. I was lost and I knew it. And being honest with myself, I didn't care. We had grown up as friends, relying on each other, now that friendship had just become so much deeper.

"How? How did you know all of the details like the shoes and the dark eyes?" I asked her.

"Oh dada!" She smiled "You drew nothing else when mum first came here, I took it all from your drawings."

"We're going to have to be so careful Annie_" I started but she just laid a finger on my lips, gently telling me to shut up. Then she stood up and walked to the still open door at the foot of the stairs.

Looking back at me, she held her hand out, "Come to bed dada, we can talk about the future tomorrow."

I stood up, and walked towards her. "Promise one thing my lovely girl," I asked. "You'll grow your beautiful hair back, won't you?"

"Okay dada," she smiled, and turned went up the stairs.

"And does he still love me?"

"Do you still love him, mum?"

"Oh yes! So very much. Tell me he still loves me?"

"He does."

"But?"

"'But'?"

"There was an unspoken 'but'_"

"I suppose there was. Perhaps I should have said, yes mum, he does still love you, but more importantly I love him and he loves me. Dada is mine now mum."