The Rabbit Hole Ch. 05

Nadia

The phone rang on the other end and went to voicemail. Nadia knew it would before she heard it. It had the last seventeen thousand times, it would when she checked again tonight, and again tomorrow morning.

Penny was gone.

Luckily, the confusion and sting was wearing off. Now, Nadia felt a blooming concern. Unlike Joe, Penny didn't have some magical status appear that explained where she was. Bucky the Butler told Nadia that Miss Penny was in Europe. That's all she got. Penny cancelled all her foreseeable shows and appointments.

Nadia made a ritual of calling Penny's personal number twice a day: once in the morning and once at night. She stopped bothering to call the penthouse. She had learned to loathe Bucky the Butler's voice. Two months of his nasally requests for her to stop calling were too much. Penny would return. She couldn't be gone forever. She would come back, and Nadia could tell her the good news.

Nadia sighed and pulled her hair up into a ponytail. She opened the door of her yoga studio and stepped in. The room was almost filled with girls and a few guys, and Nadia went immediately to the back room to get her mat and block. She preferred two mats - extra cushion for the pushin' - and liked to grab them in fun color pairs. Pink and teal would do for today.

She found space for her at the front - girls in class never felt comfortable at the front of the room - and kicked off her flip flops. She started to stretch - mostly because everyone else was doing it, and it seemed like the thing to do.

Yoga and meditation were the closest she could ever come to some form of trance. Extreme relaxation was her drug. She couldn't become entirely mindless, but she could enter a calm that surpassed understanding. It was like she was asleep and about to wake up or struggling to fall asleep and just on the verge. She was awake, she had a mind, but it was very tired and didn't want to try at all.

Nadia's instructor, the gorgeous Stefano, entered the room. Nadia imagined the collective sigh in the room more than heard it. He was gorgeous. He had long and curly black hair, a short beard, and the softest green eyes ever. He never wore a shirt when he came in, which showed off his tight tummy and delicious arms. Spiraling over his shoulders was a black dragon tattoo. He had olive skin and an Italian accent. Watching his body bend while Nadia's mind sunk deeper and deeper was Nadia's heaven and her porn. It was spiritual and lustful all at once. He was polite, funny, and detailed. He was encouraging and respectful. He was wonderful.

"And almost certainly gay," muttered Nadia to herself.

Someone behind her giggled.

She turned around to see a woman in a bright red sports bra, purple yoga pants, and a belly button ring. She had a piercing in her nose and several along her ear and some type of tribal tattoo on her wrist and outer hand. Her hair was dirty blonde and wavy, flirting with curly. She was cute, but mostly, everything about her was loud and awkward. Her chest was huge, porn star huge, and her shoulders were slumped forward from the weight of them. They were almost certainly implants, but Nadia didn't look at them too long. She didn't want to stare.

"I agree," said the girl through more titters. Honest-to-god titters.

"I mean, I don't know," muttered Nadia. "I could be projecting."

"Don't think he'd pay attention to you?" asked the girl. She pointed behind Nadia. Nadia turned around and saw Stefano looking at what must have been her ass only moments ago. Nadia caught Stefano's eye. They both blushed and turned away.

"Maybe we're both wrong," said the girl. She winked, and it pained Nadia. She stepped forward and offered her hand, "I'm Joanna."

"Nadia."

"Nice to meet you."

"Likewise," said Nadia. "First time here?"

"Nope. But I guess it's your first time noticing me."

"Really?" asked Nadia.

"Yup, I've been behind you for almost three weeks now."

"Oh jeeze, I'm sorry."

"It's fine. You always seem distracted."

"Yeah, you could say that," admitted Nadia.

"I'll talk to you later, Fabio's about to start."

Nadia turned around. Stefano was already in his stretches and warm up. Nadia assumed her position and mimicked him. She wanted to get lost into his commands, his poses, his body, and her body. She wanted to fall into her semi-meditative trance, but behind her, she could hear Joanna.

Apparently, Joanna was incredibly clumsy. Any pose involving balance also involved Joanna falling down or catching herself three times, and every time she caught herself, she muttered "dangit" under her breath so everyone around her could hear. If she didn't catch herself, she said "sorry," so the whole room could hear. How had Nadia not noticed her before? Halfway through the session, Nadia could hear Joanna breathing. She almost wheezed. She kept sniffing and clearing her throat. Did she come here with a cold?

But everytime Nadia wanted to reprimand Joanna or move her mat to another side of the room, she turned around and felt bad. The girl was awkward. She was top heavy, by virtue of her breasts, and struggled to hold any pose that wasn't on her back. Plus, she looked so out of place. Most of the people in the room were in touch with their body and spirit. Joanna seemed to be in touch with neither.

On top of all that was the guilt. Nadia hadn't seen her or said 'hi' in three weeks? Dang. Penny was a sole obsession of hers lately. She was either trying to find Penny, trying to tell Penny what happened, or trying to forget about Penny.

When the session was over, Stefano went around to talk to individual women who had questions. Normally, Nadia would invent some question just to talk to him, but today she turned to give Joanna her full attention.

"You've been coming here for three weeks?" she asked.

"Yup," said Joanna, rolling up her mat.

"Then let me apologize for being too distracted to say 'hi.' Let's do this proper." Nadia stuck out her hand. "I'm Nadia MacQuarrie."

"I'm Joanna Lane."

"What brought you to yoga class? You're already in great shape."

"Thanks," blushed Joanna. "It's a little embarrassing to say."

"Oh, well that's -"

Joanna stepped forward and cupped her mouth to lower the volume and whispered, "I just moved here from Nashville. I recently got these implants and my doctor told me yoga was the best way to learn posture and balance."

"Oh," said Nadia, blushing from her transparency.

"See?" added Joanna. "Embarrassing."

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm impressed with your candor."

"My what?" said Joanna. She giggled. She had an obnoxious giggle, like a horse's whinny.

"Your candor. It means your transparency or vulnerability."

"Oh, well why not just say that?" asked Joanna.

"I don't know," admitted Nadia. "Because the word that came to mind was candor."

"It's a silly word."

"I guess it is." Nadia looked around the room. Women were either clinging to Stefano or already gone. She didn't want to be left alone with Joanna. "Well hey," she said. "I better get going. I think they have another class in here after this."

Nadia moved to leave, but Joanna reached out a hand almost to grab her. She didn't, but Nadia stopped anyway. "Wait," said the girl. "Listen, I know I'm weird, but I've lived in this city for almost a month and you're the first person I've met who will really talk to me besides people at work. I don't know anyone here, and I was um ... wandering ... if you wanted to get coffee or a smoothie or tea or food or a drink or drugs or whatever you're into."

"Right now?" asked Nadia.

"If you're not too busy," said Joanna. She raised her shoulders up in a shrug, looking sheepish and awkwardly adorable.

The truth was, Nadia did have time. She had nowhere else to be, and if she went home, she'd try more hypnofiles that wouldn't work and then edge thinking about how close she was to everything she wanted. That did sound better than coffee or drugs with Joanna, but she'd been doing a lot of edging lately. She could use a change.

"Sure," said Nadia with a shrug. "Why not?"

***********

"You're probably thinking about my tits," said Joanna in the coffee shop.

In fact, Nadia was not thinking about Joanna's tits. She was thinking about the coffee shop, the same one where she met Penny that day. She came here often, hoping Penny would magically walk through the door and no longer be in Europe.

"What?" said Nadia reflexively.

"My tits," said Joanna. "You got quiet and kind of stared off into space. When people do that, they're normally thinking about my tits or trying not to think of my tits."

"I'm not interested in your tits," said Nadia.

"Oh really?" said Joanna with an arched eyebrow. She shoved her arms together on either side of her breasts and raised them up, but her sports bra confined them and kept her from showing off.

"Well, now I am," said Nadia.

Both women laughed.

"I'm not accusing you of leering, honey," said Joanna with a wave of her hand.

Leering? She knew leering but didn't know candor? Odd girl.

"Most women just judge me for having them, like I want to grow up to be some big bimbo slut."

Nadie blushed and looked away. "Well, I don't think that. I assure you."

"It's okay if you do. People can't help it. They judge. It happens."

Nadia smiled. She couldn't believe she was having such an involved conversation about a woman's tits. "They are quite impressive," she admitted.

"You should see them outside the sports bra," said Joanna with a laugh. Nadia blushed again, and Joanna's eyes widened with shock. "Oh, goddess, that wasn't a come-on. Promise."

Both girls laughed. Nadia felt something in her loosen. She hadn't laughed like this in a while. It felt good to let go and be silly. Not that she was morose or anything, but Joe didn't like silliness. Penny didn't put up with Nadia's antics. And after both of them left, there wasn't anyone left to goof off for. She worked. She came home. She avoided her parents. She edged. She wrote in her journal. She read stories online and listened to files. She edged. Often, she never came. She just edged until she could reach something close to oblivion and fall asleep. It was no way to live.

"If you weren't thinking about my tits," said Joanna as she finished her smoothie, "then what were you thinking about?"

"Honestly?" asked Nadia.

"Honestly."

"I was thinking about a friend of mine that I met here."

"A romantic friend?" asked Joanna as she raised eyebrows suggestively.

"No," sighed Nadia with a smile. "Did you ever hear of Miss Penny, the famous hypnotist?"

"I didn't realize any hypnotists were famous."

Nadia laughed. "I guess they aren't. But if you're into hypnotism, she's famous. She's like the ... shoot, I don't know sports metaphors. She's like the Babe Ruth of hypnotists."

"Got it. Big deal," said Joanna with a nod.

The rest spilled out of Nadia. Going to the show with Joe. Joe's appearance on stage and disappearance to Hawaii. Nadia going to Penny to talk about Joe and find him. Trying to be tranced by Penny. All of it. She was a little embarrassed by the end that it was so short. To her, it felt like this huge and secret thing looming over her, but once she finished, she realized that she barely met Penny. She barely knew Penny. It was foolish once you said it out loud, and Nadia was just a silly girl with nothing but fantasies in her head.

"You got to meet your Babe Ruth," said Joanna when Nadia finished.

"I guess I did," admitted Nadia. "But it didn't feel like us meeting was the first time. I've followed her career. I've seen some tutorials she's done. I've watched dozens of videos online of her trancing people. I've followed her for as long as I've been into hypnosis."

"And how long is that?" asked Joanna.

"Over a decade, I guess. Since puberty?"

"Did you ever find your boyfriend?"

"Like, did I go to Hawaii?"

Joanna nodded.

"No. And he hasn't come home. He found a job out there. I think he's got a girlfriend. He's very happy. Everyone's very happy."

Nadia sipped her coffee. It was cold.

"Except Nadia," said Joanna.

"What? I'm happy."

"No, you're not."

"Yes, I am. I'm perfectly happy." Nadia finished her coffee. "What makes you say I'm not happy?"

"I can just tell with these things. You're pining. I can tell. Everytime someone comes through that door, you turn around to see who it is. That's pining. It's not a sign of a happy girl."

"It's a nervous habit. The bell on the door distracts me."

"You can keep lying to yourself, but you're not fooling me. You're like a zombie going in and out of yoga. You don't notice the hottest man on earth staring at you openly or the woman with the unnaturally large breasts behind you. You're not here. Your mind is eternally elsewhere."

Nadia didn't say anything. She wished she had more coffee.

"And that elsewhere," added Joanna, "is called Penny."

"What? No it isn't."

"It isn't?" asked Joanna incredulously.

"I mean, I'm thinking about her, but I'm not thinking about her."

"And which part of her are you thinking about? Any particular feature of her anatomy?" teased Joanna.

"Stop," whined Nadia. "I'm being serious."

"Me too. What about her?"

"Her disappearance," sighed Nadia. She had thought this through a hundred times, but never said it out loud. Saying it out loud made it real. "It just feels like Joe all over again. Like, I find someone I like, and they disappear forever. Not just like ghosting me. They don't fade to the background. They literally leave across the planet to get away from me without warning or explanation."

"I don't think it's to get away from you."

"Well it sure feels like it."

"Sometimes people need space," said Joanna.

"Sometimes seems to only happen when I'm around."

"Try to see it from Penny's point of view."

"How so?" asked Nadia.

"Well, she's the Babe Ruth of hypnotists, right? The best in the world."

"Right."

"And she can trance anyone. That's why you want to see her. You want to finally fall into trance. You tell her you can't be tranced, and she sees it as a challenge. She accepts. She's confident she's going to do it. She's the best in the world. She'll trance you, no problem. So she tries, but it doesn't work. She gets upset. She's embarrassed, but she'll try again, no problem. She'll make sure it works. She'll clear her schedule and set aside as much time as possible for you. Then she fails again. This is her thing. It may be the one thing she's good at. She's risen to the top of her game, and little old Nadia brings that all crumbling down. That has to rattle her. That has to shake her to her very core."

"Well, yeah, but she doesn't have to disappear," countered Nadia.

"Maybe she does. Maybe the simple sight of you is enough to remind her of her failure, to remind her that she's not as good as she thought. She's not strong enough."

"Maybe," said Nadia, her confidence wavering.

"What if seeing you makes her feel powerless?" asked Joanna.

"I hope not," said Nadia. "She's plenty powerful." Nadia smiled. "You should have seen what she did to Joe."

"Bragging about being a cocksucker?"

"Yeah," laughed Nadia. "That's power. She may be many things, but she's certainly not powerless. She's the most powerful person I've ever met."

"But you made her feel powerless."

"That's just silly," said Nadia.

"Why?"

"Because she's beautiful. God, you should see her Joanna. She's perfect. She's like a 1940s movie star. Like Audrey Hepburn. She's got poise. She's got gravitas. She's in complete control of herself and her surroundings. Watching her move, listening to her talk, it's like a ballet. It's all straight lines and intentionality. I bet you she never doubts herself. Nothing phases her."

"Except you, right?" asked Joanna. "You said she got pretty angry."

"Well, yeah, I guess," conceded Nadia. "But you're not listening. You have to meet her. Her control is effortless. Her power is incredible. She could crush me and think nothing about it. It's incredible. Like royalty. That's it." Nadia brightened and smiled wistfully to herself. "I think meeting Penny is the closest I'll ever come to meeting royalty."

"And imagine she felt that way about herself. Imagine she agreed with everything you just said, but when she's around Nadia, when she tries to trance you and fails, all of that falls apart."

"So she disappears on me?"

"Maybe," said Joanna with a shrug. "Only one way to find out. We'd have to ask her."

"She'd have to answer her phone."

"What would you tell her if you could?" asked Joanna.

"If I got her on the phone?"

"Yeah."

"I dunno," admitted Nadia. "I've obsessed over getting her to answer. I guess I've forgotten about what I'll say when she answers." Nadia chewed on her lip. "I think I'd tell her I'm sorry. That it's not her fault. I've never been able to go into trance. I don't blame her. That's what I'd tell her. I'd tell her that I don't blame her. I blame me. She's incredible. She's pure. Whatever she is, she is purely herself, and I love that. She's superhuman, but not like a comic book character. Like, she's beyond human. She's whatever humans are evolving into, the next thing in humanity. Humans see people. She sees into people. Humans try to understand each other. She can pull a human's strings like a puppet. If she doesn't feel powerful, then I'm sorry. But she is. And even if that power isn't enough to trance me, I'd just want to be around her. I'd want to watch her trance other people. I'd want to learn from her and help her. I'd want to be a part of her life and watch her be superhuman. Even if she can't trance me, I want to be her friend."

"More than a friend?" suggested Joanna with a grin.

"No," said Nadia, blushing. "A friend. Because the important thing, the thing I really want to tell her, is that I felt something. The last time she was working with me, when she asked me if she was attractive. Well, I don't just find her attractive. She's gorgeous. She's perfect, but that doesn't mean I want to kiss her or anything. Attraction isn't the same as appreciation. But when she asked me if I find her attractive, I felt something shift in me. I felt a pull. I felt like ... shit ... I can't think of the word ..."

"Like a door opened?" suggested Joanna.

Nadia nodded. "Exactly. Like a door opened in my mind. And it wasn't trance. It wasn't hypnosis or mind control, but it wasn't meditation or reflection or whatever we do in yoga. It was something else. It was something new. It was a door that she opened, that only she could open inside me. No one, not in my whole life, has been able to open the doors inside of me, but she did. So even if she couldn't trance me, she could push some button inside of me."

Nadia felt a tear run down her cheek. She looked up to see Joanna offering her a napkin. She took it, smiled, blushed, and looked back down in her lap.

"That's what I'd tell her," said Nadia.

"Thank you for sharing."

"Thanks for listening." Nadia wiped her eyes one more time, crumpled up the napkin, and sighed deeply. "I haven't been able to tell anyone that."

"I love listening. If you ever need to process more, don't hesitate."

"You don't find it weird, all the hypnosis stuff?"

"Weird as in new. Not weird as in bad. But hey, you're talking to the girl that literally can't balance because of her huge implants."

Nadia laughed.

"But no, you're fine. We all have our thing. But I do have, like, ten thousand more questions."

"Ask away," said Nadia with a shrug.

"If we're going to go into this, we need two things."

"What's that?"

Joanna leaned in and whispered conspiratorially: "Wine and pizza."