The Rift

I went to see the girl of my parents' choice, a bit reluctantly, as she was a village girl. I was born and brought up in a city and all that was known to me about a village was that people were poor there and lacked in education. My parents told me that they had been to their house and spoken to the girl and it's definitely not what I had an impression about.

Once I reached the place, 52 kms from the nearest city, it was a different experience for me. Yes, the roads were not as wide, they were not as smooth as the concrete roads I was used to seeing, the houses were mostly mud ones, with a few children playing outside, but as I travelled further, I could see everyone knew everyone else and they would stop and greet each other when they crossed, something that was not there in the city.

They seemed to be a happy lot as well and a lot more relaxed in their body language than their city counterparts, where everybody was rushing for some work or the other, tension writ large on their faces.

Once I reached their house, I was surprised to find that it was a bungalow, of modest size. I was used to living in an apartment.

_____

I was greeted by her father at the doorstep, He knew I was coming. He led me to their large living room and as I looked around, I realized they were not as poor as I had assumed them to be. Her mother came in next, with a heavenly smile on her face. She looked exactly what a happy housewife should have looked like, in my impression.

They were two sisters, I had known that. The elder was Sujata, married to a professor. As she was married, I didn't expect her to be there.

However, she was there and I came to know that she was pregnant and was expecting a child anytime soon. That's why she was there, as it was and still is, to some extent, a norm for expectant girls to go to their maternal home for delivery.

After some initial talks with her father, which mainly consisted of which company I worked for and what was my designation and my take-home salary and if I owned a house, I was told the girl was now ready to talk to me.

I was, after this, taken to an inside room by her sister, as the girl would never come out to the living room. Her name was Sushmita and I liked her immediately.

She was soft-spoken, very conservative, being tightly wrapped in a sari when she came in and to my sheer delight, was extremely well educated and well informed. I was bowled over by her knowledge about the current happenings around the world and I accepted gracefully then, that it was definitely not the impression I was carrying about village girls.

_____

I nodded my agreement in marrying Sushmita to my parents once I was back in my city. They were very happy and immediately started consulting priests for an auspicious date for the marriage, which turned out to be four months later.

By the time we were married, her sister had given birth to a beautiful baby girl and she was the youngest guest to attend our marriage. I could see she was extremely attached to my wife and vice versa and even when the marriage was being solemnized, the baby insisted that she sit on her aunt's lap.

I had to travel to her village to marry her, as was the norm and the reception was held in our city, again as per the norm. The marriage ceremony is a torment for the guys, as you're forced to sit on the floor for hours amid the smoke that billowed out of the sacrificial fire in front of you. Similarly, the reception is a torment for the girls, as they're forced to sit at one place decked with jewellery from head to toe and wearing heavy gold-wire stitched saris when invitees come in streams, offering their blessings, best wishes and gifts to the bride.

My wife was made to sit at one place for five hours and by the time the reception ended and we came upstairs to our bedroom (we were staying in a duplex apartment, with my parents on the lower floor), she was dying for a change of clothes and to remove the heavy jewellery. She went in the room before me and to my surprise, started to bolt the door from inside, with me standing out. When I objected, she said sternly, "You're definitely not coming in when I'm changing" and I realized with a sigh that she was not as soft-spoken as I had thought her to be.

That she was conservative posed another challenge for me as I had to literally beg to her for the next eighteen nights to allow me to see her nude.

_____

However, once I convinced her finally on the nineteenth night and we had sex, I was elated to find that she had a fantastic sex drive. She herself admitted later, that as the initial pain of intercourse subsided, she enjoyed it to the hilt. Added to that, she had beautiful, natural, big breasts and I definitely was a breast man. I loved playing, licking and sucking her nipples -- she loved that too - and she would have the first orgasm with my doing just that.

Next few months, we never went without sex, not even once.

_____

The first thing that she changed about my house were the doormats at the main entrance and in every room. I had the thick jute doormats before but she went out and bought those softer, Turkish bath towel ones, which were very soft on touch. She said that these were much easier to wash and dry.

When I came back from office that evening and was entering through the main door, I tripped on the doormat and nearly fell down but took the support of the door handle and saved myself.

"You need to be a bit careful around them," she said when she saw it, "and I'm sure you would get used to in some time."

_____

As was expected, after five months of our marriage, she announced that she had missed her periods that month. On testing with a pregnancy kit, it was found out that she indeed was pregnant.

We went to the doctor I knew through my family connections. She did some tests and said it was okay as her body was in perfect condition to go through pregnancy.

At night, as we lay together in bed, we spoke about it. Neither of us was prepared to have a child just yet but, after a series of discussions, we decided to go for it. As we were talking, I had started playing with her nipples with my fingers, rather unknowingly and suddenly realized that I was getting hard.

I sucked on her nipples and she immediately started pushing me away. I was surprised. I initially thought it was her way of teasing me but when I approached again, she said, "No."

I asked her why.

She said, "I know very well that whenever you suck on my nipples, you get erect and then you want to have sex."

"Yes, so?" was my question.

"You would definitely want to have sex now as well and with the baby in there, you are bound to cause damage to it."

"What???" I could not believe what she was saying.

I tried to explain to her that sex was perfectly safe till the time she physically felt discomfort and that it cannot harm the child because nature has provided for adequate security within the woman's body but she just would not listen.

In the end, I got angry. "Does that mean that right from now till the time the baby is born and even a few months after that till your body heals, we would not have sex?"

"Yes," she said. "And why is sex so important in your life? Is there nothing between a husband and a wife apart from sex? We can still lie down together and talk!"

"Great!" I exclaimed. "Till yesterday night, you were as interested in sex as I was and now suddenly it is not important? When have you been interested in lying down with me at night and 'just talk'?"

"What I'm trying to say is, just hold on for some time," she said. "It's not the end of the world as you're taking it to be."

To me, it was nearly the end of the world. I am suddenly told to hold on to having sex for a year or more! I could see very easily that it would be a cause of some major rift between us.

_____

I woke up with a terrible hard on and a splitting headache. Sushmita was still asleep.

I tried to get back to sleep again but it was of no use. After tossing around some more, I finally got up.

I went to the bathroom and tried to masturbate. I was never good at it and today as well, it was of no use. I grew more frustrated as I came out and saw her sleeping peacefully.

I made myself some breakfast and ate it. Then I took a medicine for the headache. I went for a shower and got dressed for office.

As I was about to go out the main door, Sushmita woke up and was surprised to see me going out so early. I said I had things to do at work and she came forward to kiss me goodbye.

I stopped her midway. She had a look of surprise on her face. I said, "Don't kiss me from now on, lest I get excited and want to have sex, which would cause damage to the baby."

_____

Sitting at work was marginally better. I still had the headache, though lesser and would still keep on getting hard a few times.

In the evening, as I rose from my chair, I was not sure of what I should do next. Should I go back home? I decided otherwise.

I went to a bar my friends had told me about many times. It was not very big and had a cozy feeling. A nice ambience too, I realized as I looked around.

I sat on the bar stool and ordered a single malt.

As I sipped my drink, I saw many people, probably from the same group, beginning to get up and start to dance. The DJ saw the opportunity and immediately raised the volume. More and more men and women started getting up to sway to the music. I was beginning to feel happy with the concoction of alcohol and music.

I don't remember how many drinks I had but by the time I was out of the bar, I had to hold on to something to reach my car. I had lost my balance physically but not mentally. I was still able to remember everything.

Driving proved to be tough and I was fortunate not to have encountered any patrol car on my way back.

When I ultimately swayed back home and pressed the doorbell, Sushmita answered and she was surprised at my condition. I staggered into the hallway, went to the living room and just dropped myself on the sofa.

Sushmita told me to go the bedroom and even tried to pull me up, but I was too tired to get up again. I told her that I'd be sleeping here only. I don't remember anything after that.

The next morning, though I didn't have a headache, I felt groggy. I went to the bathroom and stood below the shower for quite long. After that, I felt better.

I got dressed and as I was thinking of preparing a breakfast for myself, Sushmita got up. In an instant, I felt bitter. She asked me what had gone wrong last night.

I told her that I had been to the bar after office.

"You were completely drunk," she said in a tone of complaint.

"I intended it to be like that," I said.

She did not anticipate this reply. "I do not intend to be in the same bed with a drunkard," she could not keep her voice under control -- I knew she hated alcohol.

"Neither do I," I said, with a raised voice, "and that's why, from now on, I would prefer to sleep in the living room whenever I'm home at night."

I saw she was surprised. "What do you mean by 'whenever I'm home?"

"I mean I might not be here every night; I don't know where I'd sleep but I'm beginning to not like the ambience of this house any more -- it's suffocating."

"Obviously by this house you mean me," she said, "and that too just because I've said to hold on to your sexual urge for some time."

"For some time!!!" I was at the top of my voice. "You feel not having sex at all for minimum a year is just 'some time'?"

"I can't imagine you being so selfish for your own demands. This is your baby as well and you can't sacrifice just this much?"

"It's not about the baby," I decided to be patient one last time for the sake of our marriage, "it's about how I am always pushed to a position of least priority. You go to a kitty party with your friends and I'm supposed to cook for myself after coming back from a full day's work. You have to visit your father's place even when I have fever and am lying down in bed because I was stronger and could take care of myself but your father was old and definitely needed you, though he had your mother by his side.

I am left to fend for myself for a few days because you had to go live with your sister as she was not well and with such a small baby, she needed assistance. When I booked us a table for a nice dinner outside all by ourselves, you cancelled it because your sister's sister-in-law had organized a party for her son's first birthday and naturally, they being related, you had to be there.

So, you see, how I always am just a nobody as far as your care and attention and love is concerned? And I definitely don't intend to stay like that. I have my set of demands, I have my likings, I have my own moments where I'm disturbed with some work-related issue and would just like to be cuddled up next to you, with you maybe just kissing me and stroking my hair. Is it wrong for me to demand attention from my own wife?"

She looked at me with a mixture of surprise and disgust. After some time, she spoke, "I could never imagine you to be so spiteful. You took pain to remember all those incidents just so that you could get back to me at some point of time?" she was on the verge of tears.

"You're wrong again," I said, not taking any note of her tears -- women had it as their biggest weapon and whenever they were on the verge of losing out, they'd use it -- "I could not forget them because all those incidents had burnt me out and were etched in my heart.

However, this also proves how little you know about me and I'm ashamed of trying to prove my intentions to my own wife."

And so, our lives, which hitherto had been conjoined, began to lead their own separate paths.

_____

Though I had threatened that I did not want to come home every night, I did come, as it would have been too much of a risk of Sushmita staying alone at night all by herself in this pregnant condition of hers. However, I always slept in the living room.

She started getting bigger in the belly and by her sixth month of pregnancy, she was huge. Forget physical closeness, even conversation between us had reduced to bare minimum. Even if it was there some time, it was always about how well her baby had been growing according to the doctor or how she was feeling very sick sometimes or how it was becoming more difficult for her to move or how she could now feel something moving about inside her.

It was never about how I was, what I was doing, how did my day go or if I'm not having dinner then what was wrong with me. She had grown her own world of herself and her baby, where everybody else was an outsider.

_____

One morning, around the seventh month of her pregnancy, she shook me awake violently. When I woke up, she pointed to the bottom portion of her nightie and I could see it was completely wet and some liquid was still dripping from her legs.

I asked her what had happened and she told me she had gone to the bathroom and while coming back, she had slipped on the wet floor and though she managed to break her fall, her belly struck forcefully against the door. And after some time, all this liquid started to come out of her, though only trickling and not a great amount.

I called the clinic immediately and though the doctor wasn't in yet till that time, I told them to call her immediately and prepare for an emergency.

I told her to lie down and changed her into another clean nightie. That was the first time that I noticed that her breasts have also gone bigger and the nipples and the areola had turned dark brown from a bright pink.

By the time I reached the clinic, the doctor had also arrived and was waiting by the main entrance for us. As soon as our car stopped, two people brought in a stretcher and she was immediately wheeled inside, with the doctor following.

I stood there, waiting at the reception, not knowing where they had taken her and what to do now and was feeling very afraid and nervous.

After what seemed to be like hours, I saw the doctor and I immediately approached her. She smiled at me and said both the mother and the baby were doing fine but as her 'water bag' had burst, she needed to give birth immediately and she was being prepared for that. "I was also a bit concerned as she's just in her 30^th week but I checked and saw everything was okay otherwise. She was not having any labor pain, so I have given her an injection for artificial uterine contractions and labor should start very soon. Within some time, she would have her baby," she said.

I asked her which room she would be kept in and was told that she would be in room 5.

I went in when she was beginning to have labor pain. Within minutes, it had escalated to such a point, that it was getting difficult for her to withstand. She had her arm stretched towards me and I went and clasped her palm in mine. She was nearly screaming and I felt vey bad about her -- I was solely responsible for this pain of hers.

Within moments, two people came with a stretcher and wheeled her away to the labor room. I stood there for some time and came outside the hospital. No one is allowed inside the labor room apart from the staff of the hospital.

I didn't know how long would it take her to come out so I thought of going to the office once. Ever since morning, I haven't had the time to inform my office.

It took me 40 minutes to reach office. I informed my boss about the admission of my wife to the hospital and requested for leave, which was immediately granted. The news spread like wildfire and colleagues came in streams to enquire.

By the time I left office and reached the hospital, it was more than a couple of hours since I had left.

As soon as I crossed the nurse's station, a nurse called me and told me that my wife had given birth to an underweight (just over a couple of pounds) but otherwise healthy baby boy. I rushed to the room and saw her sleeping. On a crib just by the side of her bed, lay the tiniest baby I had ever set my eyes on -- he was also sleeping. Apart from his face, the rest of the body was wrapped with a quilt.

I first touched him gently on his head and then his forehead and cheeks; the skin was so soft it was unthinkable. I touched his small nose and then his lips gently. As soon as I touched his lips, he slightly parted them. I smiled to myself. He did not look particularly underweight to me, just very tiny. I went closer with an intention to pick him up.

As soon as I had my hands below his arms, I heard a shriek and immediately withdrew my hands away. Sushmita was looking at me with wide eyes.

"W-what the hell are you trying to do?" she asked, quite arrogantly.

I was taken aback. What had I done to demand such a tone?

"I-I was just t-trying to hold him, n-nothing else," I stammered.

"Have you gone crazy? As such he is terribly underweight because he was born premature. And you're trying to pick him up with those big hands of yours? What if he gets hurt?" she was visibly angry.

I was shell-shocked. I would have hurt my baby if I had picked him up? Does this really happen with infants that if their fathers pick them up, they get hurt physically? I had no idea. She was a woman, so if she's saying it would happen, maybe it would. I have never ever been even near to such a tiny baby before.

I took a few steps back. With my fingers touching his lips and Sushmita's loud talk, he had woken up and I could see he beginning to cry.

"Look what you've done. Just fifteen minutes ago, I had fed him and he had gone to sleep. Now I'd have to feed him again."

I sheepishly nodded; it was entirely my fault. Had I not entered the room, Sushmita wouldn't have needed to talk and the baby would have still been sleeping.

She took the baby out of the crib, placed it on her lap, pulled her nightie aside and pulled a breast out. I was surprised at the size of her breasts. Within the last couple of hours, they seem to have gone bigger by at least two sizes.