The Right Kind of People

"Ma'am, before you disrobed in the backyard that day, had you looked around to make sure there was no one on the premises and that no one outside it could see inside?"

"I did. I really hadn't intended to disrobe," she said, walking him through her Murphy's law morning from hell and the rage that built within her until it was triggered by the lawn sprinkler triggering just as she finished hanging a load of laundry out to dry.

"In my anger, I just blindly tore at the old, soaked housedress I was wearing and it ripped. I knew it was ruined, but I clutched it to my chest until I looked around in all four directions and concluded I was all alone and couldn't be seen, so I let it drop. The rest of it," she said, blushing at where the story was headed, "arose from there."

"Mrs. Meriwether, I don't care about the rest of it. That's not relevant to this case. I just need to know that you had assessed the situation and had every reason to believe that you were in a totally private setting at the time. Whatever you did in that private setting, under the Fourth Amendment, is not something someone else has a right to intrude upon."

Evie thanked Zugs for his time and his tact. She had dreaded this Friday afternoon encounter and having to recount those private moments with a private eye she had never met.

When Troy arrived home two hours later, Evie wore a smile on her face for the first time in a week as she greeted him in the archway leading to the den.

And that smile was all she was wearing.

▼▼▼

Pastor Pete was furious when he learned that his big courtroom moment against the next-door Jezebel had been moved to Domestic and Family Court and out of public view. Still regarded suspiciously by many from the publicity that surrounded the conviction and imprisonment of two of his closest elders at the HAT church, he was hoping to tip off a friendly television reporter to be on hand at Local District Court to humiliate Evelyn Meriwether to generate a little sympathetic publicity. When he found out that not only the proceedings but also the filings made in Domestic and Family Court were now sealed and confidential, he flew into a rage.

"You might hide your sins of the flesh from the Arkansas courts and you might be able to keep them out of the papers, but the Lord sees your wickedness and you can't hide it from him," he shouted from the other side of his lawn at Troy one afternoon as Troy was preparing to mow the front lawn.

"Take it up with my lawyer, you sick, peeping-tom jackoff," Troy calmly replied. Redmond turned and fumed as he stomped back inside his house.

Troy called Solly Resnick's office the next morning and informed him of his adversary's ex parte communications. Before the day was out, the same Pulaski County deputy pulled into the Redmond driveway and handed the Apostle a court order restraining him or anyone acting on his behalf from any further communications with or attempts to intimidate any resident or visitor to the Meriwether house.

▼▼▼

Redmond v. Meriwether was set for a hearing at 9 a.m. on July 28, exactly two weeks after Evie's unclothed moment, spied upon by the peeping-tom preacher. A half-dozen members of the HAT congregation, including women in ankle-length garments and bonnets covering hair pulled back severely into a bun, milled about on the front lawn of the Pulaski County Courthouse awaiting the arrival of their Apostle and, as they had been told, the enemies of families and righteousness, the Meriwethers.

The Meriwethers and Solly Resnick arrived first, and the vitriol they faced was shocking.

"You make your peace with Satan now, you whore of Babylon, because hell's where you're a-goin,'" one old man who lacked a full complement of teeth and wore bib overalls, a long-sleeve flannel shirt on a 94-degree morning brayed at Evie.

One of the women accused her of attempting to seduce their Apostle, their prophet anointed of God, "with the temptations of her stinking womanflesh." A small girl, who looked no older than four, held her mother's hand as she looked on in uncomprehending fear.

Then a younger man approached them on the walkway, his fists clenched, screaming, "Y'all brung your tricky Jew lawyer to try to get you off, but you don't mess with our Apostle and get away with it."

A deputy who had seen the moment cut the man off before he could reach Resnick and he Meriwethers and, after a brief scuffle, handcuffed the man and led him to a cruiser.

Once safely inside, Resnick went to the chief judge of the State District Court and informed him of what had transpired outside with Redmond's handpicked mob attempting to impede, obstruct and disrupt a Family and District Court proceeding. The judge ordered deputies to clear the courthouse property. When Redmond arrived and saw the deputies and the empty courthouse lawn, he had the stupidity to rail about it to one of the deputies, who then relayed the incident to the chief clerk of the courthouse, a report that made its way instantly to the chief judge.

It was a full docket in Family and Domestic Court and the judge got it started. Evie's case was the third matter, after two domestic assault cases involving children, something that broke her heart — particularly the terror in the eyes of one child about Tyler's age — and put the relative frivolity of her case into perspective.

"Redmond v. Meriwether, case number 74-06-4320, indecent exposure," the clerk said in a tired monotone. "Parties please step forward."

Solly, with a thick portfolio of papers and exhibits, and Evie took their place at the defense table as Pastor Pete strode by himself to the complainant's table, searching vainly for anyone in the room who might recognize him.

"Mrs. Meriwether, you are charged in an affidavit by Mr. Peter Redmond with violation of Arkansas Criminal Code section five, fourteen, one-twelve, indecent exposure. How do you plead," the judge said.

"My client pleads not guilty your honor," Solly said as he rose to address the bench.

"Mr. Resnick, been a long time since you've practiced in this venue. You remember the procedural rules, I take it," the judge said.

"I refreshed myself on them last night, your honor," Solly said.

"Mr. Redmond, is it your intent to bring this matter before the court today pro se?"

"Um ... pro what, your honor," Redmond said.

The judge's jaw clenched. "Pro se, Mr. Redmond. It means by yourself ... without a lawyer. That's a very unusual, audacious and potentially risky decision, Mr. Redmond. Are you sure you wish to proceed without counsel because this court has little patience for not observing its procedural rules?"

"Sir, I was told I was told lawyers weren't necessary for misdemeanors," he said.

"That's true, but that's usually for defendants and mostly in civil citations that don't involve jail time. If you're sure you want to proceed, then I will we will entertain preliminary motions. I don't see that you've briefed the petitioner's case for the court, Mr. Redmond, which is clearly in the published procedural rules. Do you have any motions and, if not, do you care to make an opening statement and present your case?"

"OK," Redmond said, looking down at notes scrawled on index cards that he spread onto the table before him.

"My name is Apostle Peter Redmond of the Holiness Apostolic Temple, and I ..." he said before the judge interrupted him.

"Is Apostle part of your given name or your job title, Mr. Redmond?" the judge said, looking over the papers before him with a confused look on his face.

"Sir, apostle is a designation of God ... and I prefer that to being called 'mister,'" Redmond said.

"Got it. Proceed, Mr. Redmond," the judge said.

Pastor Pete appeared to be gritting his teeth as his ears and temples flushed red at what he took as a slight from the judge. He cleared his throat.

"As I was saying, ... I am widely known in this community as a man of God and enemies of the Lord try all day, every day to tempt me and lead me to stumble and fall short of the expectations that holiness requires of me," Redmond said with an edge to his voice that got the judge's attention.

"Exactly two weeks ago this morning, I was tending to the work of Jesus in the study of my home nextdoor to Mr. and Mrs. Meriwether when I heard her voice twice a few minutes apart from somewhere in her backyard," Redmond said.

"Her? You're referring to the defendant, Mrs. Meriwether, correct?" the judge said.

"Of course. The woman I complained about," Redmond said.

"Well, Mr. Redmond, these proceedings are transcribed for legal reasons and it's important to be clear who you're referencing for the purpose of the court stenographer and the transcript," the judge admonished.

"Yessir, Mrs. Meriwether," Redmond said. "She was saying something that I could hear but not quite make out in my study that Monday morning so I walked outside to see what was going on."

Now, Pastor Pete's volume and cadence was slipping into sermon mode, the practiced proselytizer inveighing before his congregation, hands waving, arms flaying.

"And there she was, a modern-day whore of Babylon, an ungodly siren standing completely naked and defiling under God's glorious sunlight, in an effort to tempt, impurify and destroy an apostle of Christ!"

Solly Resnick was already on his feet when the judge tapped his gavel to interrupt Redmond's rant.

"Mr. Redmond, you will observe a measure of civility and decorum in this courtroom and you will not address your adversary in terms like that. Do you understand?" the judge said. "This isn't your pulpit, sir."

"I understand that your court has its rules, but the just wrath of the Lord will be done," Redmond said.

"Mr. Redmond, if you have any hope of presenting your case and avoiding a contempt of court citation in the process, you will refrain from these kinds of attacks, you will conduct yourself according to the rules of this court and you will show due respect for this court. This is your last warning. Do you have any evidence to introduce, any witnesses. If so, this is when you need to do it," the judge said.

"My evidence is what I saw with my own eyes, your honor. Not only did this woman stand naked outdoors, she proceeded to commit fornication with herself, pleasuring her filthy flesh with her hands in league with Satan," he said.

"Are you telling this court that the devil manifested himself in the back lawn of 1492 Petal Court at some point between 9 o'clock and 10 a.m. on the morning of July 14th? Do you have any witness to corroborate this siting ... or anything else you claim to have seen, Mr. Redmond," the judge said, now torn between irritation at the petitioner and the bizarre novelty of his claims.

"I didn't see him, your honor, as in a vision, but yes, he was there because you know the tempter by his works and by his words, and he was working through the sinful hands of ... this woman," he hissed, restraining himself from hurling another slur at Evie.

"So no physical evidence, no testimony from others to present this court in support of this complaint now before the court?"

"My word is of God, and as such God's word is always sufficient," Redmond said, crossing his arms defiantly.

The judge had raised his gavel to stop the proceeding and issue a summary judgment in favor of the defendant when Solly Resnick interjected, "If it may please the court, your honor ..."

"Yes, Mr. Resnick. For what purpose does defense counsel rise?" the judge said.

"Your honor, the defense would like to take the opportunity to cross examine the petitioner if possible, and I will tie it to a motion that I will ask the court to entertain afterward," Solly said.

"I will grant it, but the petitioner is not compelled to submit to testify," the judge said.

"Oh, your honor, I'm more than happy to address this axis of evil across from me," Redmond said, stupidly smug in the legal blunder he had just willingly made.

"Your honor, are the parties under oath?" Resnick said.

"They're assumed to be bound by the oath by virtue of their appearance, but I can administer the oath to both litigants if you wish," the judge said.

"I would make that request your honor," Resnick said.

So the judge had Evie and Pastor Pete both stand, face the court, raise their right hand and swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help them God. Pastor Pete shot Evie an oily smile as he theatrically repeated the words, "So help me God."

"Mr. Redmond ...," Solly began before Redmond cut him off.

"Apostle Redmond," he sneered at Resnick.

Resnick chuckled to himself, looked toward the judge and nodded as if to say, It's OK, just let's roll with it a moment. The judge put down his gavel.

"OK, Apostle Redmond," Solly said. "You've testified here that you saw my client, Evie Meriwether, nude outdoors and subsequently committing acts of sexual self-gratification, is that right?"

"That is correct," he said.

"Do you often look in on your neighbor or neighbors when they're outdoors in their backyard, Apostle Redmond," Resnick asked.

"Well, sometimes. When there's something worth looking at," he said.

"Oh, so how do you know whether something would be worth seeing? Do you get an invitation from the Meriwethers? Do they alert you when they will be having various activities in their backyard?"

"Well, of course not," he chuckled. "They rejected outreach by me and my congregation, so no ... we rarely speak. They're ... not our kind of people."

"OK, so you're not welcomed over to see what's going on in the Meriwethers' backyard. So how then do you know what's going on over there? They've spent quite a lot of money to build a three-layer privacy barrier on every side of their backyard consisting of a six-foot-high wooden fence, a boxwood hedge and crape myrtles that range from 14 to 16 feet in height," Resnick said, taking the fat accordion folder off the defense table.

"Your honor, I am handing the court and the petitioner what I will ask to be marked Defense Exhibit A," Resnick said. The clerk affixed a yellow sticker onto the binder of photographs and wrote the case number and the letter A on it. Then he handed it to Redmond.

"Mr. Redmond, please look through the photos in Exhibit A and describe to the court what you see," Solly said.

Pastor Pete flipped through the finder, an airy look of disinterest and incomprehension on his face. "They're pictures of a bunch of bushes," he said.

"Do you recognize them, have you ever seen them before?"

"Not that I know of. Could be anywhere, I suppose," the pastor said. Then he said, "Is this the landscaping in the Meriwethers' backyard?"

"Good guess, Mr. ... I'm sorry — Apostle — Redmond ... but you couldn't say that with any measure of certainty because you've never actually stood in that property because you've never been invited there, have you?"

"Oh, that's a fact. Wouldn't go if they asked me," Redmond sniffed.

"Uh huh. So not only are you expressly not invited, would you go so far as to say the Meriwethers have taken considerable effort, time and money to seal off their backyard from your view?"

"I would," he said.

"Now let's go back to the morning of July 14th when you heard Mrs. Meriwether's voice emanating from her backyard. You have told the court that you were in your home study when you heard it. Please tell the court what you were doing at the time," Resnick said.

"That's none of the court's business," the pastor said.

"Oh I think it is. You opened the door to this line of questioning yourself, and we are entitled by the rules of procedure in this court that you didn't bother to learn to follow up on your testimony," Resnick said.

The pastor sat mute.

"Petitioner will answer the question," the judge said.

"All I will say is I was working on church business," the pastor said.

"OK. Doing what? Calling sick parishioners? Drafting the next sermon? Counting the money collected the previous day and preparing it for deposit?"

Pastor Pete's jaw dropped and his eyes widened at Solly's last sentence.

"How'd you know, that's none of your business! That ... that's holy business," he barked.

"I didn't know until you just confirmed it, your Apostleness," Resnick said. "Lucky guess, I suppose."

That rattled the preacher, clearly putting him on the defensive. His eyes were darting here and there. His mouth seemed suddenly dry. His long fingers were almost imperceptibly shaking. Solly had touched a nerve.

"So you continued counting the tithes and offerings — the checks, the coins, the cash in marked envelopes and the unmarked paper currency with nobody's name on it — and segregating them into different piles and categories with different destinations after you heard Mrs. Meriwether's voice the first time, right?"

"I did, but what I thought I heard was profane so it got my attention," the sweating apostle said.

"Oh, that's new. What do you think she said?" Resnick pressed.

"The 'F'-word," he said.

"Gotcha. So then, some minutes later, you heard Mrs. Meriwether again, correct? Could you make out what she was saying? Was she saying, 'Pastor Pete, come look at me. I'm naked and trying to tempt you?'"

"Satan is rarely that direct, Mr. Resnick," Redmond said. "It was more just a sound of general, ... I don't know ... exasperation or frustration."

"Did you think she was in danger? I mean, you yourself said she's a cohort of the devil. Was she crying out as if she's injured or in pain?"

"No. But I was pretty sure she was up to no good."

"Just from a sound you heard that you can't even say was a word?"

"Well ... knowing her," Redmond said, nodding her head toward the defense table.

"But that's just it: you don't know her," Resnick said, inching closer to the table where Redmond sat. "But you want to know her, don't you?"

"Absolutely not. I have no idea what you're getting at, Mr. Resnick."

Solly nodded, shifting his inquiry slightly.

"So you wander outside in the oppressive 95-degree heat of that morning after hearing the second sound from your neighbor. If you have no interest at all in Mrs. Resnick, that then persuaded you to discover, presumably to your apostolic mortification, that she was naked?"

"Well, she was. She was standing there and I could see everything!"

"Describe 'everything,'" Solly said.

"You're a grown man, you know very well what that means," the pastor snapped at Resnick.

"So full frontal view of the adult female anatomy, would that be correct?"

"Yes," Redmond said, shaking his head in dismay.

"And the sight of it offended you, correct?"

"You could say that. Yes."

"OK, what happened next? Describe what you witnessed," Resnick said.

"Well, if you insist ... she went over to a corner of the yard and came back with one of those lounge-recliner things, unfolded it and laid down on it."

"I see. How far would you say she was from you at that point."

"Probably ... I'd say ... 15 feet? Maybe 20 feet at most," the pastor said.

"And describe to the court what you saw then when she unfolded the chair," Resnick responded.

The peeping pastor couldn't believe his good luck. To his mind, untrained in the law, he was being walked step-by-step through the most damning part of his claim against Evie Meriwether — and by her lawyer!

"Well, while she was unfolding the chair, I was able to see pretty much every part of her — her bosoms, her ... private parts ... that only her husband should see and enjoy," the apostle said. "She was facing my direction for a pretty good while."