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Balthus snapped his fingers in front of her face startling her before she got too wound up, "Stay with me for a moment longer. The other knight, how did he hurt you?" Instead of answering the girl reached back and covered her backside. Balthus's eyes widened in comprehension and he swore under his breath. Bowing to the girl he said, "Thank you for your time, good lady. I'll trouble you no further." Balthus turned away and trotted his horse over to where Jamus was cinching down the straps on Sir Corrin's armor.
"Do you have an alternative?" Balthus snapped.
Corrin looked up, studying Balthus's face he realized that the girl had told him, or at least told him enough. Corrin sighed, "Not yet but I'm trying to find one. Your help would be appreciated."
Balthus nodded and turned his horse away growling in frustration then quickly getting lost in his thoughts.
Jamus glanced between the two knights, unsure of what was going on. He was certain though that he had never seen his master so upset before.
- COMMENTS
Ravey19about 3 years agoLittle confused with character development but happy to go with the flow for now.
Razzakelover 3 years agoGreat story so far and love that compatibility enchantment magic for the MC's dick. I don't think I've seen anyone come up with that idea before, wish more would use that instead of just making the MC's dick ridiculously huge!
jpz007ahrenover 5 years agoNot sure how to put this, so I'm going to go with what I'm feeling. Umm, so, your characters don't seem real. Aside from the oni and maybe a couple of minor characters they don't seem (to me) to be properly reacting and living in their environment. The farmer just happens to have these new story elements introduced and then reacts wildly to them despite being introduced and giving back story stating they are supposed to be a nearly supremely educated man, hard working because of the farm life, and also compassionate, brave, sexual and honorable in starting him to go back to his oni after the events before the story.
You have one of the knights straight up threaten to kill their fellow "Brother" knight because the smart one says its a bad idea to fight. And the guy that does the threatening is the one emotionally invested from the peasant victim's story but hasn't been backgrounded as an asshole. The asshole being the third who is actively beating their own squire, and whose safety is being leveraged as the death threat. You also have the wise and noble knight going so far as to offer their life if the stupid, brash asshole gets himself killed since its understood trying to talk him out of his moment of glory would get the rest of them horrifically punished.
It just doesn't feel real. If the farmer is educated, sure he might blunder from a magical item, but then why did the oni expect him to have known what it was when she was surprised he could read? Why call it an orb when its a magic lantern other than to setup the gag scene? Why does the educated and valiant farmer absolutely lose his shit when after being asked by his lover, who has magical artifacts and books on magic, if she could use magic on him and then she does? Why not interrupt her as she started the spell if he was going to freak out? And not to put too fine a point on it, but why does the raped and beaten girl reach for her bum instead of just cowering and holding herself tight, if she wasn't just going to give the mind broke stare of someone powerless?
I do apologize for being as critical as I am being, I just feel that you have a wonderful and rich story to tell, but I worry about that beaten squire and how his master's recent attitude might sour his passion for knighthood. How the comradery of a group of knights from different backgrounds and families reflects on their actions and conversations with each other. And most importantly, how the chronicles of a runesmith will be passed down to the children not yet born in your world. Again I apologize and hope that I am writing from a good place, even if its just really me being a douche.
