The Serpentine Bodyguard Pt. 02

"Maaaybe." The viper's smirk was as inscrutable as a sphinx, further throwing Clark's judgment off balance. She definitely could've swapped them, he'd been pretty focused on the code... but she could've just as easily left them right where they were so that when he swapped them back, he wound up with the cup laced with man-milk.

Of course, she could have assumed he'd figure that out, in which case she would have swapped them, or she could've thought another step ahead and not swapped them. Her amusement seemed to feed off his confliction, daring him to take a cup and drink it. He couldn't help but think back to the first movie they'd ever watched together, but in the heat of the moment, he failed to recall how the duel of wits had ended.

Instead, he decided to apply Occam's razor, reasoning that a simple switcheroo made the most sense. "Gimme that," he playfully growled, standing up and swiftly swapping cups with Hssara; she hardly resisted, but her fiendish smile widened a few degrees. Clark could feel a few doubts still bouncing around in his head, but the human paid them no mind as he raised the cup to his lips. At first, it seemed he'd guessed right, but as he drank deeper and deeper, he began to feel the consistency thicken, and a sour-salty note emerged amidst the cream and coffee.

As her lover's face twisted in a look somewhere between disgust, amusement, and humiliation, Hssara couldn't help but let out a mischievous giggle. "Like the new cream you put in?" she tittered, mockingly taking a sip from the mug he'd had on his desk.

Initially, Clark was about to ask how she knew he'd go for her cup, but then he remembered how Vizzini had met his demise via iocane powder. "You put it in both, didn't you?" he sighed, trying to hold back a chuckle of his own with mock irritation.

"Mmhmm." The viper took a long drink from her own mug, smacking her lips at the familiar taste of human jizz. She knew Clark held no hard feelings about it in the same way she didn't mind the extra "cream," but it was still fun to see the human's face twist with embarrassment and hilarity. "Hey, it's not my fault you fell victim to one of the classic blunders..."

Back in the present, Clark did his best to formulate a rebuttal. "I'm not mad," he said with a suppressed grin, "I'm just..."

"Embarrassed that you got outwitted that easily by a giant snake?"

"Well, it wasn't just any snake," he replied, reflexively countering Hssara's self-assessment even though he knew it was ironic. "She was a brilliant, smoking hot criminal mastermind, the kind of femme fatale that could fuck you into a coma or kill you with one hand."

The viper's expression gradually went from playful to predatory as she got up from her "seat," slowly slithering toward Clark as the van trundled along. "If I'm the femme fatale," she purred, "Then what does that make you? A stoic detective? A naive victim?"

"Oh, I'm just some schmuck who's in love," Clark sincerely replied, "But if you'd rather I be your prey..."

Hssara cut him off by surging through the last three feet between them, pulling her human into an intimate kiss. "Please, I'd never hurt you," she cooed, affectionately stroking his hair with one hand while gazing into his eyes. "You're way too much fun to keep around... and I doubt any other human could match me in bed."

The two of them just stared at each other for a moment, with Clark soaking up the intimate warmth of her slit-pupil gaze, but before they could do anything too forward, the van's autopilot spoke up in a computerized voice: "You have arrived at Bretton Arms Apartments."

"Well, here we are," Clark sighed, right before checking his phone. Thanks to whatever tech the ADVENT installed in their vehicles, he barely felt the van stop, and the ride through town had been as smooth as silk. "We've got a little over thirty minutes until the reservation... Autopilot, how long will it take to get to the italian place?"

The van's computerized voice spoke up again. "With current estimated traffic, it will take approximately 25 minutes to arrive at Il Macellaio Migliore. Traffic is projected to remain constant until 7 pm."

"Better hustle, then," Hssara said, right before popping open the back door and slithering out. Clark quickly followed behind her, paused briefly to lock up the van, then followed his serpentine lover all the way to the elevator, hurrying enough that they didn't notice another tenant's muted reaction. The ride up to their floor seemed surprisingly long now that they were on a time crunch, but once the doors opened, their apartment was mercifully close.

Clark and Hssara wasted no time getting to the bedroom, after which they swiftly began getting dressed for the evening. A few days prior, the two of them had taken their ADVENT company card for a little shopping spree, during which they'd decided they might as well get some nice clothes for their high-end dinner date.

For Clark, the new clothes took the form of a sleek two-button suit, cut from a light synthetic fabric that was breathable enough to withstand Californian heat. Instead of his usual button-up and tie, he wore a black turtleneck underneath, and he finished the look with a pair of shiny leather loafers. His viper companion said it made him look like some billionaire tech genius, but Clark just thought it looked kind of clever.

For Hssara, they took the form of a simple black dress, sleeveless but closed in the back. Although Clark had liked seeing her bare scales from behind, she felt a little uncomfortable airing out her back in public, and they happily compromised on something low-cut that didn't leave her back exposed. The bottom hem reached down to about halfway between her hips and the floor, giving it a semi-modest look even though she had no legs to show. To top it off, the viper also bought a little pearl pendant to wear about her neck, a simple piece of jewelry that rather nicely complemented the lighter accents of her scales. Unfortunately, that wasn't the only accessory she had: ADVENT didn't want her carrying a plasma rifle into a civilian area, but they also didn't want her to be unarmed, so they issued her a sleek little pistol that looked more like the guns ADVENT troopers used. Luckily, the pistol's waist/thigh/tail holster fit easily under Hssara's dress while still being drawable, and the polymer belt even matched the fabric.

As the pair turned to face one another, the excited gleam in both their eyes was as clear as day, and in what felt like a moment frozen in time, the two of them stepped closer together. "You're absolutely stunning," Clark murmured, "That dress, that necklace..."

Had she skin instead of scales, Hssara would have blushed, but she quickly came up with a counter-compliment. "And you look simply dashing in that suit... shall we?" She daintily extended one scaly, clawed hand, and Clark didn't hesitate to take it, but before leading her away, he pulled her into yet another kiss. Both of them could feel yet another intimate spark blossoming, but when Clark checked the time on his phone, it broke the two of them out of their spell and sent them rushing back down to the van.

This time, Hssara entered through the back but decided to "sit" beside Clark, fastening her seatbelt as her lover entered their destination. "Autopilot, take us to the italian place... and maybe hurry it up a bit."

"Destination and travel parameters set. ETA: 22 minutes." With that, the van backed itself out of the spot and headed off toward the restaurant a tad faster than usual.

The first half of the ride was mostly silent beyond Clark tapping one foot, but when they got stuck at a red light for what seemed like several minutes, Hssara turned to ask her human lover something: "They'll hold our reservation if we get there a little late, right?"

Clark was quick to offer a comforting smile as he took the viper's hand. "Oh, yeah, we've got about a fifteen-minute window. Don't worry, we'll make it."

As if to agree, the light flicked to green, and the van quickly resumed gliding toward their destination. The odd couple stayed silent for a few minutes, but Hssara gradually decided to ask something: "Are there a bunch of rules I need to know, or..."

"Nah, you don't need to memorize the whole etiquette checklist," he replied, rubbing slow circles on the back of her hand with his thumb. "Just keep your napkin on your lap, take things one bite at a time, put the utensils on your plate when you're done... and pretend to chew." The last bit of advice was something he formulated right after watching her swallow a whole roast chicken in a matter of seconds. While she usually split her food up like a human, she didn't —and as a matter of fact, couldn't— chew her food, something that most humans found strange.

However, Hssara and Clark had discussed the issue before, and while her lover had quickly grown used to it, she'd agreed to accommodate less desensitized humans. "I think I can do that much," she replied, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze before dipping into a more sarcastic tone. "I'll do my best not to embarrass you at such a prestigious establishment."

"Oh, I'm sure you won't," Clark cooed, returning the squeeze with a warm glance. "And even if you did, who'd have the balls to call out such a beautiful creature?"

A few minutes further down the road, the van slowed to a stop, then turned right into the restaurant's driveway. A digital sign above the building read "Il Macellaio Migliore" in flowing red cursive, and below that, two gilded doors led into the fancy foyer. In front of the restaurant was a valet who visibly tensed at the sight of the ADVENT van, but the young man did his best to hide his emotions as the vehicle pulled up in front of him. The valet's courage was tested again as Hssara came slithering out of the door, but once Clark stepped up beside her, he seemed to recover a bit of decorum. "Might I have your keys?" he asked, extending one dignified hand with the other behind his back.

Hssara seemed a tad confused, but Clark was quick to intervene. "There's no keys, it's self driving."

"Ah... I see." The valet seemed both eager and anxious, but he quickly suppressed both emotions. "I'll tend to the vehicle, you two may head on inside."

"Thanks!" Hssara replied, giving the valet a sunny grin as he circled around to the driver's side door. Once the young man punched in the propper codes to get the thing moving, she turned back to Clark with a slightly worried expression. "Clark, I..."

"It's okay," Clark replied, "Just keep on walking..." With that adage in mind, he and Hssara walked and slithered forward through the door into the foyer, after which they were greeted by the dimly lit yet brilliant facade of a fancy restaurant. A few renaissance-esque paintings adorned the walls, and several ornate iron chandeliers hung from the ceiling, providing dim light to the cloth-covered tables below. Only half of the tables were occupied, and those that were either didn't take notice of Hssara or did their utmost not to seem startled.

Moments after crossing the threshold, the odd pair were greeted by an Italian woman in an impeccable red dress, and if she was at all fazed by her guest's reptilian appearance, she didn't show it in the slightest. "Greetings," she said with a slight accent and slighter bow, "And welcome to Il Macellaio Migliore. Mr. Hopper and Mrs. Hssara, I presume?"

"That's me," Clark replied.

"Exccellente. If you would kindly follow me, your tables are just over here."

As the hostess led the two of them to an empty table a short ways away, Clark gave Hssara's hand a reaffirming squeeze. The table was set with a small electric candle in an immaculate glass tumbler on top of a pristine white tablecloth, and at first glance, the chairs seemed to be of equal quality. After the hostess pulled out a seat for him, Clark sat to find it strangely comfortable, but his suit jacket felt oddly tight as he got settled; the arms seemed just a tad short even though it was supposedly a perfect fit, and the shoulders just didn't seem all that flexible.

However, before he could ruminate too much on his suit, his attention was drawn by the hostess. "Are you comfortable with a chair, signora?" she asked Hssara, seemingly out of courteous curiosity than anything else.

"Uh... sure, I think so," Hssara replied, eyeing the cushioned wooden piece of furniture before trying it out. With a bit of maneuvering, she coiled a few times around the base before "sitting" down, adjusting a bit before seeming content.

The hostess gave a curt bow. "Exccellente. If you have any issues, please let any one of the staff know. A server will be by momentarily with your menus." With that, she turned and left, leaving Clark and Hssara alone at their very own table.

"So, what do you think?" Clark asked after a few quiet moments, "Not too fancy?"

Hssara took another look around at all the guests, then settled back into her chair, seemingly unsure what to do with her hands. "Well, I mean... it's pretty nice. I kinda see what you mean by 'under duress,' but... the staff almost seem too nice."

Clark raised an eyebrow. "Is that a bad thing?"

"No, it's just... different. Guess I'm just used to you being the only one who sees me for me."

As their conversation died down, both of them began to notice the soft notes of classical music wafting through the air, seemingly coming from everywhere at once. Both Clark and Hssara stopped and listened for a moment, but a few moments later, they were politely interrupted by a man in a sharp vest and bow tie. "Good evening," he said, "I'm Jarred, and I'll be your server tonight." With that, he passed a set of elegant menus out to both Clark and Hssara. "Can I get either of you a drink? Wine, perhaps?"

"Uh, sure," Clark replied, and Hssara nodded in assent.

"Would you like a wine menu, do you have a specific vintage in mind, or would you simply like to go with the sommelier's recommendation?"

Clark gave Hssara a confused glance, hoping she might be able to offer some advice, and a moment later, he felt the tip of her tail curl around his ankle. "The third one," he eventually replied, "We'll take the recommendation."

"Very good, sir. Would you like a moment to ponder the menu, or are you ready to order?"

"Um..." Both diners turned their attention to their menus, and it was then that Clark noticed the minimalist style: there were three sections for the three courses of the meal, and under each were two or three choices. "I, ah..." He didn't know what some of the more exotic terms even meant, but just at a glance, he thought he knew what looked best. "Hssara, do you want to look it over, or..."

"I think I'll just have what you're having," she replied.

"Alright... then we'll have the chopped salad to start, but without tomatoes."

The waiter paused for an awkward moment before saying, "And for the other courses?"

"Oh, right, ah... we'll have the lasagna, and, um... the crostata." He wasn't sure what a crostata was, but based on the detailed description, it sounded like some sort of pie.

"Excellent choice, sir. I'll have the salad out in a moment." With that, he collected the menus and left, stranding Clark and Hssara once again in their own candlelit oasis. The viper looked even more beautiful in the dim light, her yellow eyes popping from the same darkness that blended with her dress, and her curt smile revealed that she was thinking similar things about Clark.

"About the food," Hssara began, "Lasagna is that dish with the layers of wavy noodles, cheese, and tomato, right?"

"Mmhmm." Throughout their relationship, he'd discovered his scaly lover was quite fond of Italian food, and she seemed particularly drawn to romanticized images of lasagna's melty folds. However, after a few more minutes of soaking up the ambiance, it felt like something was missing, and Clark quickly realized it was their lack of conversation. "How'd you discover you were into humans?" he asked, posing the first question to pop into his head.

"Well, I..." Hssara seemed a bit surprised by her human lover breaking the silence, but relaxed a bit as she focused in on him. "It started back in Nevada, in the training facility where I was brought up. We had scheduled 'enrichment' classes where we got exposed to human media, and I always seemed to understand it better than my peers. Then, once we got older, we got access to this massive compilation of data from the internet... most saw it as pointless, but I dived right in. It didn't take me long to learn what porn was, and afterward, well... I kinda got sucked in. After we were done training with dummies, I used to volunteer to clean up, and while no one else was around, I... did things."

Shame seemed to weigh on her shoulders the slightest bit, prompting Clark to reveal his own dirty secret: "I did regrettable stuff in puberty too... believe me, I know what it's like to want something you can't have that badly."

Hssara couldn't help but grin. "Did stuff like what, hump pillows?"

"Oh, I was classier than that. I managed to buy a sex toy under my parents' noses with a gift card, and once I started screwing that lump of silicone, I didn't stop until I'd poked a damn hole in it." Clark paused a moment as he thought back to his teenage years, but now that he was rewinding his memories, something else popped up that he'd never really noticed. "Actually, I think I actually started getting into mons... I mean, aliens, back when I was in high school. I watched a lot of weird stuff, and it's probably why I... you know."

"Why you let me strip you naked and screw you silly?"

Clark shrugged with comic indifference. "To put it bluntly."

Hssara briefly drummed her nails on the table, took a look around the restaurant, then refocused on Clark just as the waiter returned with a cart. "Here are your salads," he said, placing the bowls in front of both diners. "What kind of dressing would you prefer?"

The various bottles were already lined up at the edge of the cart, and it took all of two seconds for Clark to come up with his choice. "I think I'll go with caesar," he said, "How about you, Hssara?"

"I'll have the same," the viper replied with a small smile.

"Caesar it is, then." The waiter picked up the appropriate bottle, unscrewed the top, then applied a modest glob to both salads. Then he set two wine glasses in front of the diners, and after filling them halfway with rosy-looking liquid, he left a venerable-looking wine bottle on the table between them. With all that done, he wheeled the cart away, allowing Clark and Hssara a bit of privacy as they stirred up their salads.

Clark quickly noted the utter absence of annoying little tomatoes in his dish, while Hssara was more interested in the dressing itself. Her tongue flicked the air, almost as if trying to taste the dressing on her fork from a foot away, and Clark recognized it as her sniffing the new scent. "How is it?" he asked, unsure how she'd react to the spicier ingredients.

"It's... interesting. Kinda spicy, kinda fruity..." She quickly slipped the leaves impaled on her fork into her mouth, and though she flinched a tad at first, she let out an approving hum. Clark could tell she was savoring it by the way she rolled it around her mouth, and once she swallowed, her lips bent in a contented grin. "It tastes great," she remarked, hardly hesitating to skewer and devour another mouthful. "How's yours?"

It was the same tangy dressing he'd come to know and love, this time with the imperceptible spice of extravagance thrown in. "Mine's good," he replied.

Hssara raised an eyebrow. "Just good?"

"I don't know," Clark replied with a shrug, "It's a good salad. I don't really know how spectacular you can get with sauce mixed into leaves."