The Unwelcome Wedding Guest

"I'm not home, Audra."

"Even better," Audra snapped. "Sorry, but I really don't want to see anyone right now, but especially no man. I'm too pissed off."

"If I might, Audra," Janice said as gently as she could pretend to feel, "Could I encourage you to remember there might be a good reason for this? Don't hassle Randy until you're sure he really deserves it?"

"Oh, I'm not giving him the time of day again! I won't give him that satisfaction! If he calls and tells me he was in the hospital, that's one thing. Otherwise, forget him!"

"Good idea," Janice said. "Now, you've got the apartment to yourself tonight, why don't you just take a long bath or something special for yourself like that?"

"Oh, I have every intention...wait a minute, Janice, how do you know Betty's not home if you're not there?"

Janice had to cover her mouth to stifle a giggle. "What's that, Audra? I can barely hear you. Are you going through a tunnel?"

"Don't give me that, I can hear you just fine!"

"Can hear a gold mine? What? Sorry, Audra, call back when there's better reception." She hung up, and they all burst into laughter.

"Never heard of a platonic male friend!" Jeremy laughed as he set the bottle on the table and pulled his corkscrew out of his pocket. "Got to be fair, though, I don't have too many of those either."

"Oh, shut up, Randy," Sean needled him. "Pour the wine already!"

"So how'd you like playing it straight on the phone?" Betty asked.

"Apparently I'm not too good at it," Jeremy said. "Who knew you need a woman to...guide you inside her? Is that true?"

"Yes, and it's part of the fun," Janice said. "A lovely bit of intimacy in an already-intimate situation, you know?"

"She's right," Betty added. "No one expects you to find it on your own in the dark, you know."

"Can't believe I never thought of that," Jeremy admitted. "Anyway." He raised his glass. "Here's to horrible first dates." And they all clinked glasses and drank up.

Friday was stormy and had Betty scared to death of the weather, but Saturday dawned cloudless and warm. "Thank God," she said, pulling back the curtain.

"Surprised you could even sleep," Janice mumbled, sitting up to stretch.

"I couldn't, much," Betty said. With the morning sun freshly flooding the room, she took a moment to admire her wedding dress, hanging majestically in the open closet. "Come on, we'd better get some breakfast. We've got to have me all dolled up if we want to be at Rob's parents' place at eleven."

"But the real wedding's at, what, one?" Janice asked.

"Yep," Betty said. "I wonder, will Audra really come? I haven't heard a word from her since Wednesday."

"Me neither," Janice said. "But yeah, I don't think she'd miss this chance."

Janice had no way of knowing it, but she was right. Audra had been up and showered before dawn, and at the moment her former friends were on their way to the hotel restaurant for breakfast, she was arriving at her mother's house. "Good morning, dear," Mom said, ushering her in. "Where are you meeting your date?"

"Haven't got one," Audra said.

"Oh, Audra, I could've told you that you reined that Randy fellow in too fast. Did he try to get you in bed on Wednesday night, is that it?"

"No."

"Then what? Want some coffee?"

"Yes please, and I don't want to talk about Randy."

"Well, all right," her mother said over her shoulder as she went to the kitchen to get the coffee. "But I do want to hear about it when you are ready to talk about it. Chances are I'll know the mistake you made or the type of man he is. But maybe it's just as well that you'll be on your own at the wedding. A sap like Nick will just love to come to the rescue of a damsel in distress."

Audra managed to hold her tongue all through the rigamarole with the promised dress. Two days of stewing over Randy ghosting her had taken the worst of the sting off, and she'd appreciated the happy accident of never being home at the same time as Janice or Betty. But that had also meant she'd had no chance to vent to anyone, and she had learned long ago not to whine in her mother's presence. It was a sign of the sort of vulnerability that her mother had done her utmost to purge from her in any way she could.

"I told you it'd knock them dead!" her mother declared half an hour later as Audra admired herself in the mirror. The hot pink dress had the lowest neckline Audra had ever seen, so low she couldn't even wear a bra, but that was as good a way as any of reminding Nick that she was capable of going without one -- Janice and Betty certainly weren't. The slit was so high Audra was quite sure she was flashing the lace of her thong panties as she walked, but she welcomed that too.

Audra assessed herself quietly facing straight ahead, then on both sides. "Thanks, Mom," she said. "I think this'll do the trick."

"I know it will," her mother said. "Remember, I know men. And speaking of which..."

For once, Audra really did not want to hear it. But she gritted her teeth and listened to her mother's latest treatise, focusing in her mind on the likely look on Nick's face when she blossomed forth in his backyard.

Rob's parents had sprung for a limousine for the day, and Betty and Janice arrived in style from the hotel well before eleven o'clock. They were greeted with a round of cheers and applause from his parents, Nick, and their sister Meagan and her husband, Dan. "Betty, you're beautiful!" said his mother.

"Welcome to the family," added his father.

"Thanks!" Betty said, and after Nick had kissed Janice hello, she welcomed a kiss from him as well. They were all dressed up beautifully as well, except for Meagan, who was wearing a long t-shirt and apparently nothing under it -- not even a bra, from the looks of it. "Meagan," Betty added, "I can't thank you enough for this, but you know, if you're getting cold feet..."

"Does it look like I am?" Meagan smiled and looked down at her extremely informal attire. "Don't worry, I've got my dress all set to change into once she's here."

"We're all behind you on this," Rob's mother added. "That girl did real damage to our family, and it's past time she learned her lesson. Especially now that you're joining the family."

"I'll be honored to play my part, really," Meagan added.

"Good thing I'm not wearing any makeup!" Betty laughed through the tears she made no effort to hide.

"Yes, well, enough of that sappy stuff," said Rob's father. "There'll be time enough for that this afternoon. For now, let's all go outside. I want to get some pictures while everyone's still fresh."

"See you all out there," Meagan said, settling herself on the couch. Everyone else made their way out to the back deck.

Meagan, who like her brothers had visited their nudist colony regularly while growing up, was comfortable being naked in most anyone's presence. But she didn't care to be that way while everyone else was dressed for a wedding, so she waited until the kitchen door had shut behind the last of the others before she stood back up and took her shirt off. Just as Betty had thought, she wore nothing underneath it. She picked up a magazine and listened for the doorbell.

It rang less than ten minutes later. Meagan stood up and, hoping she wouldn't be giving a deliveryman a heart attack, she opened the door. She hadn't seen Audra since they were kids, but there was no question the young woman in the garish dress who was looking nearly catatonic back at her was her family's long-ago nemesis. "Hi, Audra," she said as casually as if she were fully clothed. "Welcome, but you're a little overdressed, aren't you?"

"I'm...what?" Audra stammered, looking everywhere but at Meagan. "Who are you?"

"I'm Rob's sister, and we're happy to have you here, but it looks like Rob and Betty forgot to tell you a little something."

"They're getting married naked?!"

"I can't believe they didn't tell you! But you see, Audra, we are a nudist family, and --"

"Yes, yes, Betty and Janice told me about that. But no, they never said anything about this!"

"Well, you're welcome to join us," Meagan said. "But I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to undress before you join the party."

Audra wanted with all her heart to turn around and storm off. But what would her mother say when she admitted to giving up the fight? More importantly, what would Nick say when he saw her and Janice naked side by side? Audra's lips curled into a triumphant grin -- it would be no contest, would it?

"All right," Audra said. "I'll have to have a long chat with Betty later about keeping stuff like this from me, but okay. Just show me where I can undress."

"Gladly." Meagan stood aside and Audra stepped in. "Right over here," Meagan said, pointing Audra down the hall to the guest bedroom, which faced the front yard. "Feel free to pull the shades if you want," she told Audra, turning the light on. "But don't feel you have to. All the neighbors know about us." A lie, as far as Meagan knew, but she couldn't resist.

Betty was already getting tired of smiling for the camera, but smile she did for click after click at every angle on the deck. She was relieved when the porch lights flashed on and off, and everyone forgot about photographs for the moment.

"She's here, then," Janice said.

"And she fell for it," Nick said. "I never imagined she would. Sorry."

"It's okay, we weren't sure either," Betty said. "I just wish Rob could be here."

No one disagreed with that. At least there'd be a great story to tell him after the real wedding. But no one was sure yet just what that story would be.

Audra stepped out of the guest room to find Meagan waiting expectantly at the end of the hall. "Don't be shy," Meagan told her. "Everyone else is dressed like us, after all."

"Glad I got waxed last week, at least," Audra said. Taking note of Meagan's full bush, she added, "No offense..."

"None taken," Meagan said. "You'll have a unique look out there." She surprised even herself at her ability to keep a straight face as she said it.

It occurred to Meagan a moment too late that the game would be up if someone hadn't remembered to draw the curtains in the kitchen. To her relief, someone had. "Just remember, always be comfortable in your own skin, and you'll be just fine," she said to Audra as she opened the door.

"I'm sure." Audra, having gotten over her initial shock, was now looking forward to seeing the look on Nick's face when he saw her lithe, groomed body. Nervous but unafraid, she kept her head held high and faced straight ahead as she stepped outside.

Afterward, Audra was never sure which registered first: Meagan pulling the door shut behind them or the fact that no one else was naked. Both, though, did register quickly enough.

"What the..."

Audra crossed her arms over her breasts before remembering they weren't all that was on display, and she turned to run back inside, only to be blocked by Meagan. Her confidence vanished, she looked around in a panic at Betty and Janice and the family, who were all gazing upon her with triumphant smiles. "What kind of prank is this?!" she demanded.

"Well, I thought of inviting you over to study," Nick leered at her. "But that seemed a little cheap."

Audra wriggled about and danced a bit, as if trying to make her arms long enough to cover everything. Realizing the damage was done and everyone had seen all of her, she gave up. "Can't you ever let anything go, Nick?" she whimpered, tears of rage cooling her feverish face.

"Why don't you come back in ten years and see if you've gotten over this, Audj?" Betty asked.

"But we were kids!" Audra whined. "And I did apologize."

"Sort of," Nick said.

"When you thought you wouldn't be invited to the wedding if you didn't," Janice reminded her.

"And I knew not to treat people like you treated Nick when I was a kid," Betty pointed out.

A chorus of "Me too"s followed, topped off with Nick's mother asking Audra, "Do you want children, dear?"

"What's that got to do with anything?" Audra had given in to being on display, and now she was looking ragefully at the older woman.

"If you ever have any and they're bullied the way you bullied Nick, then maybe you'll understand," she answered. "Maybe."

"The fights we had at dinner," her husband added, "The way we had to reassure Nick he was a decent human being and life was worth living..."

"I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy," added Meagan, who to Audra's disbelief seemed perfectly comfortable in her nudity.

"I would," Betty deadpanned with a laugh that proved contagious.

"I don't blame you," added her mother-in-law to be.

Audra turned to Janice and Betty. "You!" she fumed. "The both of you! You'd better pray one of you can get home before I can. You think I'm going to leave any of your stuff untouched? I'll bet you didn't think of that!" She was aware of the doorbell ringing during her tirade and of Nick heading around to the front of the house to answer it, but she paid it no mind.

"Of course we thought of it," Janice said. "That's why I've already moved out."

"What?"

"Yeah, good luck finding two new roommates," Betty added. "It's a tough market for that."

"I'd like you to meet my new roommate, actually," Janice said.

"Well, I'm really not presentable for that, now am I?" Audra whined.

"Got that right," came a familiar male voice from over her shoulder.

Audra whipped around without another word. She was no longer capable of any shame about being naked, and was more concerned with just where she knew that voice from. Sure enough, it was Randy, dressed in a tuxedo and with another man on his arm. "Randy?! What is this?"

"My name isn't Randy, I'm afraid," he said.

"Audra, meet Jeremy and his boyfriend, Sean." Janice could barely restrain herself from laughing as she said it.

"You assholes." Audra shook her head and wept. "You planned this whole fucking thing, didn't you?"

"You mean like you planned to steal the show at my wedding?" Betty asked.

"And to steal my boyfriend in the process?" Janice added. "Yes. Yes we did."

Audra ran her hand violently through her hairdo, ruining it. "Can I help it if I had a crush on Nick and I handled it the wrong way when I was too young to know better? Look, if you want me to apologize to you again, Nick, I..." she looked around, realizing for the first time that she hadn't seen him since he'd gone to answer the door. "Nick?"

"Up here, Audra."

She looked up, as did the rest of the party, to see Nick waving down from the upstairs balcony. Audra found yet again that the worst moment of her life had just gotten even worse when she saw her dress clutched in his other hand. "Nice dress," he said. "Hope the dry cleaner can get sap stains out of it." With that he tossed it into the maple tree beside the deck, where it caught on a branch at least ten feet off the ground.

Audra gaped up at the dress. "How do I..."

"You'll think of something," Betty said. Turning to Sean and Jeremy, she said, "Okay, we're off. See you there?"

"I sure hope so," Jeremy said.

Audra was looking on at this exchange, so she didn't notice Rob's father reaching for his camera. But she heard the shutter click. "Hey!" She crouched down and covered up with her arms. "Don't you have any sympathy at all?"

"I promise to delete that picture," he told her, "provided we get back from the wedding and you've done no damage to our house."

"How do I know you will?" Audra demanded.

"You don't," Nick told her with a smirk from the balcony. "All right, let's not keep Rob waiting."

The others blocked Audra's way so Meagan could step inside and get her clothes on. Once the door was shut and locked behind her, all but Jeremy and Sean walked off around the house and out to the waiting limousine. Still in her desperate crouch, Audra looked up at the couple. "Aren't you going to the wedding?" she demanded.

"We volunteered to keep an eye on you until you get lost," Jeremy said.

"Make it snappy, would you?" Sean flopped down in a lawn chair and crossed his legs. "I don't want to miss the reception.

"But how can I get my dress from here?"

"You'll think of something," Jeremy said. "If we're lucky."

While Sean was laughing at his boyfriend's joke, Audra gave up on trying to reclaim any dignity whatsoever, and stood up. Wasn't it sort of like just being naked with other women anyway, since they weren't attracted to her? That didn't comfort her at all as she jumped and reached in vain for the dress. From directly under it, then with a running start, then leaping from another chair -- that nearly worked, but the chair slipped just as she was jumping from it and she lost her balance and barely landed on her feet.

After perhaps the sixth failed effort to jump for it, Audra thought of finding a stick in the yard and pulling the dress down. She had no choice but to venture barefoot into the grass, risking bug bites and bee stings, but she told herself again and again that beat the only alternative. She made it to the far end of the yard without injury, but no fallen branches presented themselves. An old rail fence marked the end of the property and there were deep woods beyond, and she saw what she needed lying about ten feet past the fence. She could only hope no one was out for a nature walk.

There were voices in the distance as she stumbled over the fence and landed in the mud, but she did retrieve the stick. She got back to Rob's yard without being spotted, but the hikers were getting closer and she could only walk so fast along the grass and keep an eye out for anything she didn't want to step on.

"Good idea," Jeremy admitted when she returned, her legs caked with mud.

"Fuck you." Audra reached up with the branch, and succeeded in brushing the dress with it, but it was caught fast on something and she could only get it to wave around a bit. Stabbing at it from another angle got it part of the way off the branch, but she still couldn't reach it with her hands. Another stab got it within her reach but still didn't free it completely. Audra gave a gentle tug that did nothing. She pulled a bit harder, and the branch bent down but didn't relinquish the dress. It wasn't going to come off without ripping, she realized, but that was better than no dress at all. She pulled hard at it with both hands, and they all heard the fabric rip as she tumbled to the deck and the dress and a dead branch both landed on top of her.

"Bravo," said Sean, standing up as Audra pulled the mutilated garment on. Most of the left sleeve was still stuck in the tree, but at least she'd be decent for the ride home.

The ride home?

"Shit," she said as she pulled the dress on. "I don't suppose either of you guys could take pity on me and loan me a few bucks for a taxi home?"

"What driver's gonna let you in his car with all that mud?" asked Jeremy.

"You could probably use the walk home to cool off anyway," Sean added. "Now get lost so we can get to the wedding."

Seeing no alternative, Audra was only too happy to do that, and the two men watched her shuffle off around the house and down the street before taking their leave.

Everyone looked beautiful at the reception, as did the modest but well-kept hotel ballroom. They were joined by a few more of Betty and Rob's college friends and co-workers, and Rob's extended family. Betty had concerns about how Rob's older relatives might react to Jeremy and Sean dancing together, but she was pleasantly surprised.

"I sure wish you could have seen the whole thing," she told Rob as they danced.

"I don't ever need to see Audra again, especially not naked!" Rob replied with a grin. "I'm more than happy to have missed it. Besides, I wanted to make sure Nick got to do the honors with her dress."