The Wedding Gauntlet

Wow. Fragile, screwed up, and hostile. I really didn't like how I was being seen.

"I would have liked to have been there to see you start your married life."

"I know, Dad. I'm sorry. But I just don't have the patience to keep you and Mom apart like you need, and she's such a mess--" Jason looked out the window, then added softly, "Sorry. I didn't mean to say that. And this is exactly why we didn't want to have a family wedding."

* * * * *

We were silent the rest of the drive. I was distracted by Jason's and Jess's news and a little unsettled by the way my family and their partners seemed to think of me, so it wasn't until we were walking to the front door at Steve and Clara's house that I realized that I'd be seeing Kathy very shortly.

"I, uh, I left something in the car. I'll be right back."

Jason nodded grimly. I could tell he wasn't fooled, but I still scurried away. I did my deep breathing exercises to calm myself, and then as I approached the house for a second time I went to my soft-focus vision. I didn't knock, and as I walked in I was relieved that everyone seemed to be in the back yard. That would give me an opportunity to scout for Kathy and find the farthest point away from her. I didn't see her, but I did see long, tall Colleen, talking with two other women. They were laughing.

I moved towards the sliding glass doors that led into the backyard, and came up on Christi and Jason, who were standing with their backs to me. I heard Jason.

"-- freaked out. He went back to the car to psyche himself up."

"Well, she'll be here soon, but I told her if she wanted to come to the reception she better stay far away from him. I'm more worried about her, to be honest. Jesus, I can't take another meltdown like--"

I took several steps back, then called out loudly, "There are my favorite kids!"

They both whirled around. I saw their fear, so I smiled and opened my arms and they leaned in for one of our family hugs. It was my favorite thing in the world. Holding my two children, even as adults, filled me with joy. I gave an extra squeeze before releasing them.

"How are you holding up, Chrissie?"

"Never better, Dad. I can't wait to be Mrs. Roy Kirkpatrick!"

"Did you know your brother beat you to the altar?"

"Yes!" She gave him a light backhanded slap across his bicep. "The bum just told me last night."

"Well, I'm glad you decided to include me. You're moving up in the favorite-child standings."

They both laughed. I remembered that Kathy would be coming in soon, so I needed to move outside to a less vulnerable position. I looked over to where Colleen and the other two women stood and decided that was as good a position as any. It was away from the food and drinks and the long table set up for dinner. You'd have to make it a point to go over there.

So I did.

Colleen glanced up and saw me as I sauntered towards her little group, and her face lit up with a beautiful smile. She had changed into a light green sundress that flattered her figure and her coloring. She was small breasted and had the wide hips common to many tall women, but the length of her body made everything perfectly proportional. I liked the way she looked, and her big eyes and bright smile sparkled.

"Paul! Come here and meet Lauren and Jill. Ladies, this is the father of the bride."

I smiled at the other two women, then was surprised by Colleen's loose hug around my shoulders and her quick peck on my cheek. I'm sure I blushed.

I chatted with the three of them. Lauren was Colleen's niece and Jill was a cousin of some sort. I purposely stood with my back to the house, but after just a couple minutes I forgot all about Kathy. Apparently quick wit ran in the family, and I needed all of my faculties to keep up with the conversation. Colleen was funny, and she'd touch my arm or shoulder periodically to soften a verbal barb or to make a comment more personal. Once she even ran her hand from my shoulder to my elbow, which caused me to both shudder and stutter. Which made her laugh. Which in turn made me feel good.

I liked standing next to Colleen. I felt grounded. She had an aura of confidence without arrogance, kindness without weakness. She was comfortable with herself, always honest, and she shared her complete self with no apologies. I hoped we could be friends.

Eventually Lauren and Jill wandered off in search of beer, promising to bring back a fresh one for me.

"How are you doing, Paul?" Colleen's eyes had lost their playfulness, showing instead her compassion.

I didn't answer immediately. She deserved an honest response, which meant I needed to consider the question. She proved patient too, waiting for me to speak.

"I'm not sure. I'm learning some things that have surprised me. I've always thought that expunging my ex-wife from my life had been bloodless, but it seems that my demands have been far harder on my kids than I thought. They've done such a good job of sheltering me for 11 years that I just assumed it took little to no effort. But my son eloped with his girlfriend a couple weekends ago largely because he didn't want to have to deal with the drama I've created."

"Blissful in your ignorance?" She didn't say it unkindly, and I didn't take it that way.

"I guess. It makes me wonder what else I've been oblivious about."

"They must love you very much."

I nodded. "I've always known they did. But I'm just now seeing the depth of their commitment to me. I don't feel like a very good father right now."

"I don't have children myself, but someone raised those kids to be that committed. That's a pretty good indicator, you know."

"Thank you. You're very kind. But I'm questioning a lot of my decisions. I've been content to let everyone else carry the weight without realizing just how heavy it is."

Colleen reached out and ran the back of her fingers across my cheek. "You've been badly wounded, Paul. It's okay to let other people take care of you. I doubt you've taken advantage of it. You don't seem to be that kind of guy."

Jill interrupted us with my beer, and the conversation got back to lighter topics. Then Steve called out that dinner was served, so we queued up with paper plates to claim our part of the grilled feast. I steeled myself for seeing Kathy, but she still wasn't there. I didn't want to ask, but Colleen must have sensed my unease. She looked into my eyes and smiled gently.

"I believe your ex has already left. I haven't met her, but I saw Christi talking with a woman and man, and she pointed over to us. The woman looked over, flinched, and then went back into the house with the man following. They never came back out."

"Flinched?"

"I may have run my hand down your arm when she looked over." Colleen's eyes were dancing.

"I don't know why that would bother her."

She shrugged. "Me either. But something did."

Maybe I wasn't the only one feeling anxious about our meeting. That should have made me feel better, but it didn't. I found that Kathy's lies and betrayals and rejections still angered and hurt me, but more on an intellectual level rather than the searing emotional pain they once inflicted. I still had no desire to know anything about her, but could my wounds have scarred over enough to tolerate the thought of her? I wouldn't know. I hadn't let anyone test them.

* * * * *

Dinner was nice, and Kathy's absence did let me relax a bit. I enjoyed meeting more of Roy's family -- I'd met his parents when they came to town shortly after the engagement, but they had a sprawling extended family and there were a lot of new faces. I spent almost a half-hour talking with Jason and Jessica too. Their elopement still hurt, but they'd slighted everyone, not just me, and that made it a bit more tolerable. I asked them first about their trip to Vegas, and when they didn't put me off I followed up with questions about their pregnancy and the baby. We got back to a good place by the end of our talk.

Colleen came and went, and I saw that she was very popular with the Kirkpatrick clan. Everyone brightened up when she joined them, and laughter was the common thread that followed her around the party. And the whole evening showed that Christi was marrying into a warm, welcoming family.

It made me sad -- and a bit angry -- that Kathy had blown up any chance we had at creating a family like that for our kids. Colleen found me at that moment, my lips a thin white line.

"You okay, Paul?"

I snorted. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"I call bullshit on that. What's up?"

"Just looking around at this big, wonderful family Roy has to help him celebrate his wedding. And seeing our tiny fractured family in comparison makes me sad. And pissed at my ex-wife for ruining any chance we had at giving Jason and Christi this kind of support. It fucking sucks. If you'll pardon my French."

"Hey, I'm fluent in French!" Colleen smiled at me. "I know what happened between you and your ex was bad. We don't always get to choose what happens to us, but we choose how we respond. You have two kids who adore you. You gave them everything you had to give them, and they appreciate it. And they reciprocated it. You did just fine."

"I always liked you best, Colleen," and I smiled when her merry laugh bubbled up. "And thanks for your kindness. I don't see it myself, but I do appreciate it."

"Well, those are mostly Christi's words, not mine. Christi might be getting Roy's big, raucous family, but Roy's doing just fine with Christi's people too." With that, she leaned down and kissed me on my cheek. "See you tomorrow, Paul."

I really wanted us to be friends.

* * * * *

I sat around with the groom, his father, and the attendants after arriving at the church for the wedding. I assumed Kathy was with Christi, but I didn't ask. Roy didn't seem nervous, and the rest of us were pretty even-keeled, so we were a well-dressed but pretty muted group.

Ten minutes before the ceremony was to start, Steve, the groomsmen, and I left Roy with his best man and made our way to the front of the church. I ducked into the church secretary's office while Jason went to escort his mother and Karl to their places. He retrieved me a few minutes later.

Christi looked stunning in her gown. I was half afraid she'd wear her mother's dress, but this one was new and perfect for my daughter. Like most fathers, the sight of my little girl in her white dress choked me up, and tears escaped my eyes. Christi smiled and took her lace handkerchief and wiped my cheeks.

"I love you too, Daddy."

I could only nod and offer her my right arm.

The attendants marched two by two until it was Roy's adorable niece Hazel, Christi's maid of honor Justine, and the bride and me. Justine gave Christi's hand a squeeze and then walked forward. Hazel needed a few words of encouragement from Christi before starting her nervous walk, her face a mask of solemn concentration, dropping random clumps of rose petals and naturally stealing the show.

I turned to Christi, and all the words I had practiced evaporated. I had so much to tell her, so much to say, and none of it would come to mind. She smiled, patiently waiting, deferring the start of her marriage until I could share what I wanted to say.

"Sweetheart, you're the most important woman in my life. I love you so much, and I will do anything for you. But from this moment on, I can only be the second-most important man in your life. Roy is waiting for you, and he deserves your total commitment. He must be your first priority. You've seen what happens when that isn't true. So make it so. Please."

Christi kissed me on my cheek. "I will, Daddy. And thank you. For everything you've done for me."

We turned, nodded to the wedding planner who in turn cued the pianist, and I swept her down the aisle to the "Wedding March." I went soft-focus again, a bland smile plastered on my face, as we walked. I saw a woman's shape dressed in lavender on the aisle in the third row from the front, but I stayed in fugue state until Christi and I stopped in front of Felix and Roy. I kissed Christi's cheek, shook Roy's hand, and then moved to my place in the first pew.

I thought I'd be alone, but to my surprise Colleen was standing there too. I couldn't contain a grin, and neither could she.

"Fancy meeting you here," I whispered, and she laughed loudly enough for people to look over at us. "I think you're on the wrong side of the church."

"More room over here," she whispered back. "Plus the company's more respectable."

Felix got us underway, and before too much time had passed I played my final part.

"Who gives this woman to be wed?"

I stood and smiled at both Christi and Roy. "Her family does."

They looked surprised, but then Christi's smile exploded, and I knew it was okay. Unconventional perhaps, but while the captain might speak on behalf of the team, he doesn't take credit for the team's accomplishments. Christi herself and Jason and I -- and I suppose her mother too -- had all raised her. I sat back down, got a pat on the shoulder from Colleen, and watched with the rest of the guests as my daughter married her husband.

* * * * *

The wedding pictures were interesting. It hadn't occurred to me that Kathy and I might be together for the photos, but yet again my little girl watched out for me.

"Come with me," Colleen said once the bridal party had exited after the ceremony. She took me through the side door that Roy and his best man used to enter, and then walked me back through the hallways to the secretary's office. I followed without question until she sat in a chair in front of the desk.

"What are we doing here?"

"Jason will come get us when it's your turn for pictures with the happy couple."

That's when the realization really hit home that I'd been a coward about Kathy. Yes, I was completely devastated by her betrayal. And yes, the pain really was too visceral for me to tolerate on my own. But my emotional weakness forced my adolescent children into roles inappropriate for them. I should have seen a counselor. I could have imposed on friends. But instead I sent my children to man my barricades. They saluted and made it their duty, sacrificing their innocence -- and their relationship with their mother -- for my comfort. I sighed and slumped into the chair next to Colleen.

She touched my forearm. "You're upset, Paul?"

"I can't believe how callous I've been to my own children. I've been so selfish. Demanding that they protect me these past ten years. A wedding is challenging enough on its own, and Christi and Roy have had the added complication of keeping me in my little protective bubble."

"I know you think it's unreasonable, but I don't think Christi or Roy or even Jason see it that way. It's just a reality for them. Christi incorporated it into her wedding plans without really thinking about it. It was a problem that had to be solved. I have a niece with diabetes. She needs to manage her insulin. It's a little extra work that she has to do that no one else around has to do, but she does it without noticing it. It's just part of her day. No big deal."

"But I'm supposed to take care of her."

"Families take care of each other. That's what Christi told me last night."

We sat quietly until Jason stuck his head in. "Time for pictures, Dad."

* * * * *

Colleen convinced me to ride over to the reception hall with her. We chatted amiably during the short drive. Turns out she's quite the baseball fan, though I made it clear her loyalties were sadly misplaced. She disagreed and talked me into a wager on which of our squads would have the better record when they played each other for the last time this season. Tickets to that game were the stakes. Since her team led mine by two games at the present moment, I got her to throw in a hot dog if I won.

We picked up cards telling us at which table we'd be seated. Mine said Table 1, which was to the left of the main table where the bridal party sat.

"Looks like I'm in the front row," I said to Colleen fanning myself dramatically with my card. She smirked and flashed her card: Table 1.

"Are you stalking me," I asked wryly.

"No, just using you for your celebrity access."

I couldn't help but laugh, and not too softly either. I would never catch up to Colleen.

As we entered the dining room I did see a woman dressed in lavender sitting at the round table across the room. Her back was to us, and the only remaining seats available at Table 1 had their backs to her table too, so that is where Colleen and I sat. I pulled out her chair, and she smiled at me as she slid into it. I introduced myself to our tablemates; Colleen knew them already. She was related to four of the six, and the other two were old family friends. As new meat -- with a prominent role in the festivities no less -- I garnered the lion's share of the conversational attention.

I estimated that there were about 120 people at the reception, which provided plenty of cover, especially if Kathy honored Christi's wishes about staying away from me. When it came time for the toasts mine was first. I put on my soft-focus filter as my gaze moved around the room.

"From the very first time I laid eyes on Christi in the hospital I saw that she was perfect. And she has been the perfect daughter ever since that time. And the only thing I ever wanted for Christi was for her to find someone else who would realize just how perfect she was. When she introduced me to Roy, I thought he might be that guy, and when he proposed to her he showed me that he was. So, Roy, welcome to our family. And Christi, I love you so much, sweetheart. To the bride and groom!"

It was pablum, but it was short and I meant it, and I hoped Christi remembered it. The best man made a rambling toast teasing Roy for hitting way above his weight with Christi, and Justine got weepy during her recollection of the nights in college when she and Christi would lie awake and plan their weddings. Cake-cutting followed the toasts, and then it was time for the first dance, followed by the father-daughter dance.

"It's a beautiful wedding, sweetheart. I hope it's been everything you wanted," I said as we rocked back and forth.

"It's gone just the way we planned it, Daddy. Thank you."

"It's all you and Roy. I only wrote a few checks."

"Well, not much Roy to be honest," she laughed. "Me and Clara and, well, lots of folks."

"And your mother, I expect." That got Christi to raise her eyebrows. I chuckled. "I appreciate how much work you've put in to keep us apart this weekend. I'm only just realizing how much I've been asking of you in that regard. It's too much, I think, and I'm sorry. You've had to choose between your parents, and I've been wrong to ask that of you."

"Oh, Daddy! You never made me choose. When I was mad at her you always insisted I go see her anyway. She hurt you, and I didn't want you to be hurt any more, so I made sure you wouldn't be. But I still see Mom and we talk and she was able to be here and to help me on my wedding day. And you walked me down the aisle and made a sweet toast and now we have this dance. I have everything I wanted."

"That makes me very happy. I wish I'd been a stronger man, so you didn't have to protect me like you did."

"You're plenty strong, Dad."

"Well, I don't think I need you to shelter me any more. Don't get me wrong -- I don't want to hear about your mother, but you don't need to censor your thoughts around me any longer. If you have something to say that includes her, then, well, get it out. I don't want to be the fragile, hostile, screwed-up idiot any more."

"You've never been that, Daddy. You've always been my hero."

I couldn't talk after that, so it was good that our song ended a few seconds later. I handed my daughter off to her husband, and then they did the dance with his parents.