The Weekend Pt. 04

Synopsis of the last three chapters:

Chapter One: Regina went away on a vacation with a co-worker; Brian. She was trying to escape the despair that she felt in her marriage, which came as a result of Lee's earlier infidelity. Though she was conflicted about her choice, she had sex with Brian. Naturally, she returned home to a hurt and angry husband. After an argument, Lee stormed out.

Chapter Two: Regina had a talk with her sister in which she was forced to think about her insecurity surrounding not being able to have children. This was exacerbated by the fact that Lee mistakenly impregnated the woman he cheated with. This was the rage that pushed Regina to make the impetuous, ill-fated decision to run away in the first place. Being confronted with her rage made her rethink her marriage and wonder if it was worth it.

Meanwhile, Lee was dealing with his own issues surrounding the situation. He felt guilty for his own infidelity, yet was angered by his wife's. His own was a bad choice made at a weak moment. His wife's was a calculated, planned out process. He too was on the cusp of the decision of determining if the marriage was worth salvaging.

Chapter Three: After her talk with her sister Trudy, Regina was finally ready to begin building a bridge across the gap of communication that had been severed. However, Lee was still dealing with his anger. He wasn't ready to talk.

The latter part of chapter one and the entirety of chapter two happened on the day Regina returned from her trip, so chapter three found the two trying to navigate their way around each other the next morning as they prepared for work. The communication barrier continued to grow.

As the two went their separate ways to work, they had different experiences. Lee found that he needed a day off to process things. His best friend, Daryl, offered him a place on his couch while he got his head on straight. When Lee went home to pack a bag, he found Regina's bag that she took on her weekend trip. The contents of that bag held evidence that made Lee feel like she was trying to replace him. It broke something inside of him, and he decided to make this temporary hiatus a little more permanent.

Meanwhile, Regina's work day was filled with her trying to come to terms with her conflicted feelings regarding Brian. He pursued her relentlessly. His confidence that he was better for her than her husband made his pursuit justified; at least in his mind.

She came home that evening to find that Lee had left her.

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With her arms above her head, Regina's fingers worked a scrunchie through her hair to wrap it into an impromptu bun that would keep those pesky strands out of her face for the night. Under her, her legs were crossed Indian style as she sat up in her usual spot on the king-sized bed.

The television on the far wall continuously burst into laughter, signaling punchlines of the comical dialogue that currently served as background noise to break of the silence of her bedroom. Regina looked curiously over at the empty spot next to her on the bed that she once shared with her husband. The pillows at the top of his side remained unbothered, just as they had for the last...month?

Or was it two?

Who knows? She couldn't tell anymore. Days blended and merged as they sneakily morphed into weeks. Monday suddenly became Sunday in an eye blink. When it was light outside, she went to work. Then she came home, and it got dark.

Shower, work, eat, sleep...repeat.

A sad sigh escaped her. Her hands fell lifelessly into her lap as her eyes roamed over the spot that was once reserved for Lee. A Kindle now replaced a sleeping husband. It laid face down on the comforter, ready to recall the book she was currently reading.

Did she have time to get another chapter in? It was just getting to the good parts. Last night she had to force herself to shut it off. Her eyes were burning with sleep depravation and she had to get up early this morning.

A quick peek at the digital clock on the nightstand made her shoulders sag with disappointment. She'd better not chance it. Knowing her, one chapter would turn into 5, and then she would be dragging ass tomorrow at work. With a small, frustrated grunt of displeasure, she looked for her phone to set the alarm for the morning.

She tried to avoid it, just as she did every night. All it did was lead to disappointment. She had to stop doing this to herself.

"There are no missed texts from Lee." She thought to herself, trying to quell the anticipation that she felt every time she picked up her phone. "He doesn't want to speak to me. He hates me. Mother fucker had the nerve to leave me, like he's some downtrodden shmuck escaping his harpy of a wife. It's pointless to even check."

Still, no matter how hard she tried to convince her eyes to not look, she inadvertently glanced at the notification bar at the top of the screen and saw that she had no messages.

Dammit Regina! I told you not to look for it!

Her fingers set the alarm that she needed, but they did it on autopilot. She couldn't ignore the crestfallen feeling came over her. For the millionth time, she tortured herself by wondering what he was doing right now.

If he were here right now, he'd probably be doing pushups. That had been his evening routine since they'd moved into this house. 100 pushups, a shower, brushing of the teeth, and then ending with a vague hint that he was horny.

She missed that routine. What she would give to see it again.

This new world -- the one without Lee -- was strange to her. Was she sad in this place? Bitter? Pissed off beyond words that he actually left her? Did she miss him?

Or did she feel a sense of relief with him gone, like she could breathe a little without having to worry about how he would feel?

Yes. All the above.

Lee being gone brought about a sense of unease in her. Having him in the house with her at night, even sleeping in Cassie's room, made her feel safe. It was a comforting luxury that she didn't even realize she'd become accustomed to. Before, it was just...there; she didn't even have to think about it. No matter what happened between them, she was always cognizant of the fact he was next to her, and nothing bad would come to her as long as he was.

Without him here, the demons of her mind were free to roam. She found herself checking and rechecking locks on the doors and windows. Shadows that danced on the floor from the moonlight looked like menacing intruders.

Surprisingly, she also missed his snoring that she once found so irritating. Over the years, it had become a white noise machine. Hearing his even breathing gave her mind permission to shut off and shed the worries of her day. It gently pulled her into a relaxed slumber.

Without it, she found it hard to quiet her mind and drift off. She tried to substitute it with other things, such as keeping the TV in the room on, or reading until her eyes became heavy. While they helped, it wasn't the same

Yes, in many ways, she yearned for her husband. His absence was felt.

But, deep down in the recesses of her mind, there was also a sense of relief. His absence lifted a weight from her ankles that had been a part of her for so long now. This weight kept her trapped at the bottom of a body of water, drowning in her own self-loathing misery. No matter how hard she tried to swim to the top, her shackles kept her bound to her breathless hell.

With him gone, she didn't feel the constant pressure of having to "get over it"; "it" being the death of Cassie and her inability to grow a family. She could deal with her feelings without having the added guilt of being a horrible wife who was neglecting her husband.

Yes, the tornado of conflicting feelings surrounding Lee's departure was confusing. She couldn't tell if she wanted him to come home, or to stay gone while she figured things out.

So much had happened between them.

Those first nights in her Lee-less existence that was the worst of it. On the night Regina found Lee's "present" on the nightstand, she paced her entire house for hours, alternating between crying and screaming at an invisible antagonist. Seeing his wedding ring on top of that drawing was like finding a severed horses head in her bed. It made her feel like she was under attack; like Lee was holding her emotions hostage for ransom.

Questions, explanations, apologies, and excuses all flooded Regina. She felt like she was going to burst if she didn't get them out of her. With tears in her eyes, she frantically pressed the call button after she found his contact and held the phone to her ear.

Lee's voice only greeted her in the prerecorded message of his voicemail. It didn't even wait a full ring before picking up to mock her.

She tried it again, this time taking the time to dial the seven digits. Still, the same result. After the third attempt, the conclusion became clear. Either his phone was turned off, or he was blocking her calls.

It's been said that people don't really fear the dark; they fear the unknown. What the eyes can't see, the body can't protect against. This causes the mind to go into a state of overprotection, where it conjures up the worst-case scenario so that it can become hyperaware of anything that resembles danger.

Simply put, it becomes paranoid. The mind replaces what it can't see with its worst fear. The same goes for silence.

The cruelty of being ignored was its own hell. She went from wondering what he was doing to filling in the blanks with her own horrific reality. She saw Lee, laughing with his baby mama, telling her how much he really wanted to be with her. After all, he could actually have a family with her. She was fertile and completely ready to give him what all men wanted; a family and unhinged sex. Unlike the Barren Betty that he was inconveniently married to, she could be what a wife was supposed to be.

She was the much better woman, after all. Why wouldn't he want to be with her?

Even though she her mind knew he wasn't going to answer when she called, the irrational side of anger took over. She called him repeatedly, getting more frantic at every rejection. Every time she heard that infuriating voicemail, the dreadful movie in her mind began to replace reality. She felt like she was sitting in the room with Lee, watching his phone lying face down while he cozied up to that floozie.

After a while, she began to wonder if she was in a Freddy Kreuger movie; she couldn't tell if she was asleep or if her reality was just this scary.

How could he just ignore her like that? How could even stand not talking to her? Didn't he love her?

That night, the bed felt massive. Its expanse seemed endless. No matter how many times she rolled over, she was still in it. She was alone, with only emptiness as her sleeping companion.

Her pillow was drenched with two sets of tears. One set belonged to sadness; the other, anger.

Ironically, this hell that she was being subjected to was one of her own making. Days earlier, it was Lee pacing the very halls that she was, frantically dialing a number that only laughed at him in response. It was the other side of the bed that housed a lonely person being tortured by the monstrous silence of a loved one.

As much as she tried to squash that thought, the irony of her predicament hadn't escaped her. That only made things worse for her. Knowing exactly what he went through - and knowing that she was warden who locked him in his private hell - gave her a clear perspective of what she did to him. Unfortunately for her, that stripped her of the twisted solace of being an innocent victim.

It wasn't until a week later that Regina was surprised when the phone made it to the second ring. She practically held her breath when it rang a third time. Then a fourth. And then...

"What do you want, Gina?" a dead-panned baritone voice asked.

"Lee?"

"Yeah. What do you want?"

It took her a couple of seconds to acclimate to the fact that he actually picked up. Her mouth stumbled to find words while her mind dealt with the swarm of emotions that flooded her. When her surprise abated, she was left with incredulity at the absurdity of his question.

What did she want? What the fuck could she possibly want?

"What do you think I want, Lee?" she asked, though she was careful to keep the smarminess out of her tone. The last thing she wanted was for him to hang up on her and go back to rejecting her calls.

His response was as lifeless as his opening question was. "Honestly, I don't know what you want from me anymore."

"I want my husband, Lee. I want you."

He scoffed ruefully on the other end of the phone. "Riiiiiiight." He droned sarcastically. "You want me. That must be why you ran away with me for the weekend so that we could have a great time having lots of sex."

The cynicism that dripped from his voice was a mask covering the anger that he tried to hide. Regina exhaled a disappointed sigh at the direction that this conversation was taking. This was the first she'd heard from him. She was beginning to think that she would never hear from him. The last thing she wanted was to further alienate him from her.

"Lee..." she whined, hoping to gently steer him in a more positive direction.

His voice finally came alive as he emphatically cut her off. "No, no Gina. No. Stop it!" He took a pause to ensure that she stopped talking before he continued. "I've had a lot of time to think this week. A lot. It's all I've been doing actually; running back memories of you and me. There are a lot of things that I've realized; things I was too afraid to admit before."

He gave a little laugh, like he was reminiscing in his head. A silent tear slipped down her face as her mouth remained shut. Her words had failed her; more like, they refused to come up and defend her against the accusations that Lee was implying.

Suddenly, his tone changed. The subtle rage turned more whimsical as he asked, seemingly out the blue, "You remember the day we went for that walk in the park? The first time we said we loved each other?"

The change in course threw her off guard a little. She didn't know what to expect. Even though it was illogical to expect it, a small part of her hoped this was a good sign.

"Yeah; of course I do."

"We were young, and we didn't really know anything about anything. But, you said something that day that made me surer than I've ever been that you were my future wife. You remember?"

"We talked about a lot of things that day, Lee."

"Yeah, we did. We talked about everything, in fact. Back in those days, I never had to wonder what was on your mind; you told me. But that day, you said something that always stuck with me. You told me that there is no force on earth that can match the power of two. Strong becomes invincible when it's doubled. The only thing that you need is...what was the word you used?"

"Synchronicity." She finished as the tears that dangled from her cheek finally let go and fell into her lap.

"Yeah. Synchronicity." He repeated with a sad chuckle. There was a moment of dead silence filled with morose air before Lee continued. "Somewhere along the way, we got out of sync. That's what's been missing from us; the power of two. We're just two people fighting our own battles instead of fighting one battle together."

She wanted to say that he was wrong. She wanted to jump in and tell him that every word that came out of his mouth as a gross misinterpretation of what was really happening. He needed to know that she loved him just so much that his absence was unmatched by any other loss.

But once again, her words failed her.

"You don't want me, Gina. I don't know much of what is going on inside of you anymore. You don't share. But, what I do know is what your actions say. They speak louder than any placating bullshit you can spit at me right now. What they tell me is that I'm not the one that you want."

She knew where this conversation was headed, and she wasn't ready for that. In desperation, her voice finally found her.

"Lee, please; listen to me. We shouldn't make any decisions right now. A lot has happened, and there are a lot of feelings involved right now. We should take a step back and really think this through."

"Think it through?" he asked incredulously, like he was a mixture of confused and offended. "You mean, like you thought your plan of running away with that guy through?"

"I don't want Brian!" she emphatically shouted into the mouthpiece. "Yes, I made a stupid decision; the dumbest of my life. If I could take it back, I would. But I don't want to lose you! I love you!"

He harrumphed and shook his head in silence. Then, with a calm that could only come with an absolute sureness of the ground one is standing on, he said, "I saw the drawing, Gina. I saw the way you had your arms wrapped around his neck. Whoever that artist is has serious talent. That drawing had immaculate attention to details; even the minor ones. Your smile was spot on; the way your eyes twinkle when you're happy. It was really a beautiful sketch."

"Lee..."

"This Brian isn't just some last-minute booty call, is he? Please, Gina; after all we've been through, at least have the decency to be honest with me about this. I think I deserve at least that."

Her tears were really falling now. She wiped her nose with her shirt and let out a small sob before saying, "No" in a voice that was barely audible.

That hit Lee hard. Yes, he asked for the truth, but he wasn't ready to hear it. Hearing that two-letter word was confirmation of his worst fears and it made his stomach hollow out. He swallowed hard before asking another question that he didn't want the answer to, yet desperately needed.

"Are you in love with him."

The pause of hesitation was heart-shattering. The pain that he felt upon seeing that picture now had an exponent of infinity above it, and it only got worse when she stammered, saying, "I...I don't know."

"You don't know." He repeated in a voice that desperately trying to fight tears. "Well, I guess you've got a lot to figure out. But there's no sense in me sticking around while you do."

"Lee, no! Please, don't hang up!"

"Good-bye, Regina."

The click before the dead silence was a sharp blade to the heart. She let out a loud wail as tears flushed from her eyes. With desperation, she frantically dialed his number again.

"Pickup, pickup, pickup, pickup..." She chanted quickly in a begging mantra as the phone rang. Once again, it was his voicemail that answered. Hearing that greeting for the millionth time was like the final clang of locking metal echoing across the halls of a prison. Her sentence was set.

She wept bitterly all that night. Every time she thought there were no more tears left, a fresh batch spilled from her on onto her already soaked pillow.

Now, more than a month later, she still slept on her side of the bed instead of sleeping in the middle. She too had a lot of time to think. She missed her husband immensely; more than she ever felt she could miss anyone.

The fear that this separation could turn permanent amplified the anxiety. She was just as likely to get divorce papers in the mail as she was to find him on the doorstep ready to come home. Waiting for the other shoe to drop was like Chinese water torture. Each time the phone rang, or she got an alert of a message, it was another slow drip landing in the same, raw spot.

However, this time created a period of self-reflection; something she desperately needed. For the first time, she was finally free to do what she should have done years ago; truly grieve for what she lost in Cassie. She lost more than a baby. She lost hope that she was worth being married to.