The Wife Ch. 07

To Whomever the Hell This Is,

Only a day had passed since Tom left, and I found myself wishing that he hadn't. I barely slept that night, the room still smelling of him. More accurately a combination of our scents, reminding me of the passionate way he had taken me. Staring into my eyes as he took me in a way that still makes me weak in the knees. It invoked a feeling I had never felt before.

Each passing minute the questions that I had begun to ask myself were burning brighter and brighter in my mind. They would not subside, no matter how I tried to distract myself. I reached out to James, but nothing. Was he alright? Was he fired? Was I going to get kicked out? No response to those questions. What had he and the Dean needed to discuss? Why wouldn't I have heard something by now? When time for class came around, there was another professor in his place. A Professor Horace. When asked where James was the only response I'd get was: "Jesus, what am I? His mother?"

I had texted Tom a few times, but being that he was on the road so much, reception was always spotty. His advice bounced around in my mind. 'Find someone to talk to, for me it was a small town Virginia therapist.' Small town Virginia aside, therapist's were expensive. Not an easy solution for a broke college student such as myself and if the only other people I could were unavailable, who did that leave? Friends?

The few friends that I still had, had no idea about my current hobby, and even less would actually care. It wasn't that I was antisocial, maybe a tad introverted. Just most friends were moving on with their life. Getting married and having kids, or starting their career's. I'd been so lost in my schoolwork that I had never really had time for cultivating a friendship. I still had friends that I'd go to the bar with, talk to at house parties. None of whom I'd feel comfortable about talking about my current problems.

I could see the mixture of reactions. Hey guys, what's new with me? I've been secretly crossdressing for our English Lit professor and hooking up with people as a woman named Linda. Recently the Dean caught me and tag teamed me in her office. Now I'm questioning my gender identity and don't know how to answer that question. Thoughts? Whatever wasn't met with disdain and judgement would be met with indifference.

The loneliness of the situation was greater than I anticipated. I tried distracting myself by going out. I went to a small bar downtown, where I met several people who would listen to my sorrow's only as far as their horniness would allow. Although, I didn't necessarily mind. A lot of them were really good at sex and I was all too happy to taste all of them. I found that I liked watching them cum, seeing the face of the bartender cum after a long shift, shooting his load all over my face or some other guy looking for a cute someone to relieve his pressure all over my ass was fun. Yet each night I still came back to the same.

Who am I now?

Am I Linda?

Am I Max?

Am I both?

After some amount of time, I did learn how to let those questions stir without driving myself crazy. I would have to brave the outside world as Linda. It started with taking small walks around the complex, then it got longer and longer. I slowly pushed myself to go further and further. It helped relieve the anxiety that would build up around me, slowly enveloping me.

One of those days, after grueling through final preparations (which were a week away), I pulled on a pair of jeans that hugged my legs, picked out a cute pink floral blouse to match, threw my hair into a bun and applied my usual make up and set out for the day's walk. I let my mind drift, not really taking any specific route. Before I realized that I found myself outside the door to the coffee shop where I had first met with James. Only a short time ago, but feeling like an eternity had passed since then. Like coming home after a long vacation.

I still don't entirely know why I did it, but once I was there, I entered. Normally, I would try to avoid social situations while dressed, especially since I had yet to master masking my voice. As I walked in, nothing really seemed to be different. It was quiet for being a coffee shop, not a single customer inside. Which come to think of it, it hadn't necessarily been a hub of people the last time either, but there had still been at least a few.

There wasn't anyone manning the counter either, which was almost a relief. I didn't want to stand there like an idiot trying to figure out how to order a coffee. I was about to turn around to leave when the barista came out of a door in the back of the room, carrying a brown box that said 'filters' on it. She gave me a smile as she noticed me, and my heart skipped a beat. I recognized her, it was the same barista as last time.

"I'll be right with you miss!" She called out in a cheery voice.

Miss. I blushed with a sense of pride. Which was odd sensation mixed with the confusion I had been fighting for so long. Nevertheless, I drew in closer to the counter as she put away the filters in haste before turning her attention back to me.

"What can I get you?" she asked.

I opened my mouth to speak but caught my voice in my throat. What did I want? I hadn't thought of it, but didn't want to look indecisive at the same time. She smiled patiently at me, waiting for my answer.

"Just a Raspy Cold Brew please," I said finally, averting my gaze. My voice still sounded so deep. The barista either didn't notice or didn't care as she put my order in, I noticed her name tag was blank.

"Anything else, ma'am," she asked. I shook my head blushing.

I payed and she got to work on the drink. I sat patiently at a nearby table and just watched, wishing I had brought my phone to pass the time. Usually I wasn't out for too long before returning and I still hadn't managed to buy a purse, since my new outfits seemed to be missing pockets. Until she brought out the drink to me, not bothering with a name since I was the only one there.

I sipped on my drink and watched the world outside. Half expecting someone to come in each time I saw someone pass by, but no one did. The barista went about her daily duties cleaning the counters and tables, but there was only so much to clean. I lost track of the time as I watched the world outside, seeing face after face pass by the little shop. Being so close to the dorms, there were several faces I recognized. None paid mine or the shop any attention. I was snapped back by a tap on my shoulder.

"Is everything alright, miss?" It was the barista, she held a concerned look. I realized then that I hadn't touched my drink in quite some time. Most of the ice melted and mildly warm, rather than cold.

"Oh," I said, caught off guard. "Yes, of course. Yes, my mind is just elsewhere."

"I can see that," the barista smiled. "I was about to close up, not enough business to justify staying open I'm afraid."

"Oh, I'm sorry," I said, clamoring to get up.

"Oh, no dear it's fine," she said holding out her hand. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine, I just..." I trailed off, unsure of how to finish my response.

"If you don't mind me asking, aren't you James's friend?"

My face went white and I stiffened. So she had recognized me. Not that it would've been that difficult with my voice. Fear set in and I briefly debated darting towards the door, but I held my ground.

"Why?" I asked unable to hide the panic.

"I'm Vivian," she said, holding out her hand, but after I didn't take it she withdrew it. She didn't seem offended though. Her blue eyes held nothing but compassion and understanding in them. "Can I sit? You look like you need someone to talk to."

I nodded. Tom's voice ran through my head again. Someone to talk to. I was still unsure of what else to do but also comforted by her courage. She didn't seem to mind who I was at all, which put me at ease and she knew James, so it didn't seem like she was interested in outing that secret. She took her seat opposite of me, giving a comforting smile.

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Linda," I said after a moment's debate on who to introduce myself as, somehow, Linda felt right.

"Nice to meet you, Linda," Vivian smiled again. Each time she did, her eyes brightened as if the sun itself was behind them.

"Nice to meet you too," I said. "You know James, then."

Her smile flickered slightly.

"You could say that," Vivian answered. "He's a regular and he has helped me with things in the past. I haven't really talked to him in quite some time though."

"Yeah, me either," I frowned. "So I don't suppose you know where he is?"

"No, he hasn't even been in the shop in weeks," Vivian said. "Is he what's on your mind?"

"Sort of," I said. "He was supposed to call me, I think."

Vivian raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, that does sound like him," Vivian said. "He can be a bit distant sometimes, but he's a good dude. Most of the time."

"Most of the time?" I asked.

"He and I used to date," Vivian said simply. I was taken aback at how casual her statement was. "He's always been a busy man, and there would be times I wouldn't hear from him for a few days."

"I haven't heard from him in weeks," I said frowning. "Not since..."

I trailed off.

"Can I ask since what," Vivian said kindly.

"I.." I began, tears were welling up in my eyes. Weeks of emotion built up on the edge of being poured out to some stranger. "Why?"

"Why what?" Vivian asked.

"Why do you want to know?" I asked bluntly, although Vivian didn't seem to mind. Her sympathetic smile filled with understanding as she studied me. It was as if I had a window to my soul and she was keen on understanding it. I studied her back. She had wavy blonde hair, held up by a clip to keep her hair from her face. Her blue-green eyes piercing and bold. Her face showed compassion and kindness, yet a hint of weariness.

"I've been where you are, in a sense," She replied. "I recognize the look on your face. It's the same I saw on my own face, every time I looked in the mirror. If it hadn't been for a kind stranger or in my case, multiple kind strangers, I wouldn't have been able to be who I am today."

She smiled patiently as she finished. Giving me time to take in what she was saying. I felt the emotions on top again, ready to boil over. Vivian reached over a soft hand and placed it over mine. Suddenly, I couldn't hold them back anymore. In that moment, it could have been anyone, I would've said it all. With Vivian though, it was like fate. Someone to talk to, someone brave enough to approach me and ask.

"I don't know who I am, anymore," I said, tears beginning to well. "I discovered something earlier this year and at first it was fun. Now, I have all these questions and no answers."

"You discovered something," Vivian said. "What did you find?"

James? Tom? Sex? What had I found? More questions, but this time the answer seemed to jump out at me. As if it had been there all this time, trying to get my attention. Linda, I had found Linda.

"I found...Linda," I repeated.

"You found yourself?" Vivian asked, but there was no confusion. Her eyes that held understanding betrayed she remembered who I was initially. She remembered me as Max from that day. That was why she had approached, somehow she knew what I was feeling and knew what I would need.

"I...don't know..." I paused, but that wasn't true. I did know at that point. It was simple yet so complicated, enough to cause my head to swim. Linda was me, I was Linda.

"Don't you?" Vivian asked. "It seems to me that what's really happening is your fighting the answers, not the questions."

"I did," I said after a moments pause. "I found myself."

"Alright," Vivian said. "So you found yourself. You found something that made you happy."

"Yes," I said. "I did. I thought I was happy and then James..."

I trailed off. I didn't want to broach a potentially touchy subject, but Vivian waved that feeling off. She squeezed my hand comfortingly.

"James helped you find it," she finished the sentence for me. "He's done the same for many people, though I doubt he knows it."

I wanted to push for more details, but it didn't seem like the right moment. Instead I poured out all the questions that had been eating me up the last few weeks. All the emotions pooled up suddenly bursting from the seams. It felt amazing, finally letting it out in the open. It felt good having someone to talk to. Someone who seemed so stationary, in the moment. It was also a relief that she understood what I meant. James had helped me find that happiness.

We talked for hours about my experiences as Linda. I told her the good and the bad, leaving out some of the more graphic details, but unable to hide the blush as I recounted them in my mind. I felt my own cock stir as well, but a quick shift and it was hidden.

"Wait, the dean caught you in James's office?" Vivian said. "Damn girl, your a brave soul."

"Yeah, well that's the last I heard from either of them." I said, indignantly. "He dropped me off back at my dorm apartment and he hasn't been back yet."

"Yeah, after an emotional experience like that, I would want to know what the hell was going on to," Vivian agreed. "This Tom fellow though, he seems nice. Have you tried talking to him?"

"I did," I replied. "I mean a little, he travels a lot for work. A lot of the time, even he's unavailable. I don't hold that against him, but it has made it a bit more lonely."

"You needed a friend," Vivian nodded. "Here, let me finish closing up and we'll go for a walk. We can keep answering those questions you have?"

"Oh, well, I don't want to impose..." I started but Vivian cut me off.

"Nonsense, dear," she said. "I'm enjoying myself and I don't really have much else to do tonight. I'd welcome the company."

"Alright," I said, unable to hide my excitement.

Vivian didn't take long to finish her closing procedures. Since I had been the only customer in all that time. Soon after and we were out into the parking lot. We walked around for a while, talking and sharing experiences. Vivian even opened up about dating James, which she had ended years ago.

"James is a good man, but I found out pretty quickly, it wasn't a serious relationship," Vivian sighed. "I loved spending time with him, and the sex as you probably know, was amazing. It just didn't go anywhere, in the end we agreed to be friends. He and I still hang out sometimes, he never mentions his dates, and I don't mention mine."

"Wow," I said.

I paused, a new question was forming in my mind. I was almost afraid to ask it, but I needed to know.

"You recognized me from that day, it didn't bother you?" I asked.

"No. Why would it bother me?" Vivian asked in turn.

"I don't know," I said truthfully. "For some reason, I've been afraid to let people see me. Afraid they won't accept me."

"It sounds like several people have accepted you already," she said. "Including me."

I felt my face burn red, once again, this time with pride and joy.

"The way I see it, the only person left to accept Linda, is you," Vivian said.

"But what about who I was before, what about being Max," I said.

"Max, Linda, it doesn't matter what you call yourself," Vivian said. "What matters is who you are. They are both you. You aren't going to be any different just because you put on a dress and go by Linda. You have to break that line of thought."

She was right. It all made sense now. I was the same person I'd always been, I just found out more about myself. I was Linda, I was Max. Linda may be what made me happy now, but Max was never not going to be me. I laughed at my own silliness.

"I hate to break this short, but this is my place," Vivian said, taking me from my thoughts. We were standing outside a house, small but quaint and very well maintained. The failing sunlight dancing off the windows and illuminating a well kept garden in golden orange light.

"Oh, of course," I said. Vivian laughed.

"I mean to say, do you want to come in? I've got wine." She asked

I smiled.

"That does sound fun," I replied.

One glass of wine turned into to two, two turned into a bottle and soon we were swapping stories left and right. Sharing in embarrassing moments and happy memories. Vivian, as it turned out loved, talking sex. She spared no details as she told me about her times with James and the men and women after. James had been her first but it had always been casual with him and when she started harboring feelings for her friend, they saw less and less of each other.

"Her name was Sara," Vivian said, drinking from her glass. "She was gorgeous, funny, and one of the most kind people I had ever met. She was the one who helped me come to terms with myself."

"What happened?" I asked, feeling a confidence boost from the wine.

"Turns out she was married," Vivian frowned, suddenly interested in the stem of the wine glass. "She chose to stay with him."

There was a moment of silence as Vivian reminisced. I didn't say anything, but reached over and gripped her hand. The same way she had comforted me earlier that afternoon. Vivian sighed before flashing me a grateful smile.

"I've never met anyone I felt that way about since," she continued. "I just keep it casual now. Try to go with the flow. Her gift to me though, helping me through my stuff, that I try to pay forward."

"I'm sorry," I said sympathetically. "That sounds rough."

"It was, but that's all behind me now," she said. "How about you?"

"Me?" I giggled. "I've barely gotten into the game. Before there wasn't a lot of people lining up to date me. Until recently, that is. Since I met Tom, it's been a whole different game."

"I can see why." Vivian nodded. "You're smoking hot in that blouse."

I laughed.

"You think I'm smoking?" I said.

"I do," she replied simply. "I'd fuck you."

I felt the blush. My cock stirred in my panties. It had been excited since we had started talking sex. I shifted, trying to get it to calm down.

"You would?" I asked. I hadn't considered the possibility but now that it was in my head, the idea turned into a kind of hoping she would. Vivian turned to me from her spot on her couch, her eyes sharp as ever. Somehow the blue green had deepened in color and intensity. Not a trace of hesitation in her face as she leaned forward and planted a soft kiss on my lips.

She pulled back but the kiss lingered and I took a moment to process it. As Vivian pulled back she seemed to glow in new light. A beautiful glow that showed a desire I was all too familiar with at this point. I wanted to sate that desire, I wanted her to devour me. The feeling hit me hard, even though it had been growing steadily. I pulled her back in, her mouth eagerly accepting mine.

Her kiss sent sparks flying in my mind, bleeding into my vision. I could see them even through closed eyes. Our hands grasped at each other hungrily, pulling us closer and closer. I felt her tongue press against my lips and I opened them, welcoming her warm breath against mine as out tongues dance with each other. My hands explored her body, finding her firm breasts which felt larger than I had anticipated. I continued exploring down, her body shifting to help guide my hands where she wanted them to go.

I gasped, causing Vivian to pull back, concerned.

"Nothing...I...you..." I stammered. "It's huge."

"Is that an issue?" Vivian asked, grabbing my hand and placing it back on the bulge that had popped up in her pants. I breathed shakily as I felt it's girth, it was by far one the biggest I had felt. Never would have I imagined her sporting such a massive member, let alone one at all.

"No, it's just..." I breathed as Vivian pushed her hand towards my own pulsing bulge. "I wasn't expecting it, and it's so big."

"Would you like to see it?" Vivian said. She was smiling amorously. I nodded eagerly. I needed to see how she was able to hide such a monster that I hadn't noticed it. Vivian stood and slowly removed her work slacks, revealing a pair of lace thong panties that barely covered half the shaft.