There and Back Again Ch. 185

Chapter One Hundred Eighty-Five: Separation Anxiety

The next morning at breakfast, Fergus informed us he'd found us passage to Ostwick leaving in the afternoon. We split up to get last-minute errands done, like packing and shopping for a few supplies. I insisted on going down to the Alienage with the hopes of running into Ena, and though Avanna grumbled, she relented when Alistair insisted on coming as well.

My poor, frustrated guard captain had learned little about Dera's escape except that it had happened only two or three days after we left Wycome, and no one had seen or heard anything about Dera since. I couldn't tell her that my husband and brother had been responsible, but I did tell her that I had no interest in trying to pursue the elf. She wasn't impressed. And while I understood -- she felt responsible for Dera's treachery, and wanted justice -- I didn't blame Dera or Avanna for what had happened. And if I had to let it go, so did Avanna.

The scowl on the guardswoman's face made me hope Dera never came back to Ferelden, because if looks could kill, Dera would be toast.

The walk to the Alienage was relatively quick; I'd forgotten how little of Wycome Alistair had seen, and he stared around him in disdain. His response to the perfectly manicured, nearly unused gardens was the same as mine: "What a waste." He shook his head. "Weird to think Maric died trying to come here." I squeezed his hand, with no idea what to say to that; he didn't seem to mind.

We waited at the Alienage gates, not wanting to worry any of the residents inside who might panic at the sight of two human nobles and four guards walking down the street, but eventually I was able to catch the attention of an elven child who was a little braver than her fellows. I held out a small handful of coppers, and she approached with a cheeky grin.

I closed my hand when she tried to take the coins. "I'm trying to find Ena. Do you know her?"

The girl frowned skeptically. "You know Ena?"

I smiled. "I do." I described her briefly. "Can you tell her Sierra wants to see her? I'll give you one copper now and one when you come back to tell me it's done. And if Ena comes with you, I'll give you a whole silver as a bonus. What do you think?"

She took her copper and ran off. Alistair and I stood around waiting for what felt like ages, until one of Alistair's guards edged towards us.

"She ain't coming back, my Lady."

I grinned. "Cynic." I shrugged. "That's what Avanna said about Ena too, and look how that turned out." I assumed Avanna had told the guards about my adventures the last time we were in Wycome. "Besides, I can afford to lose one copper."

We waited a while longer when a window above us and a few houses down opened and a familiar head popped out. I waved, and Ena grinned and disappeared. A few moments later she came out of a nondescript door, my little errand girl in tow. I gave the kiddo her copper, and her silver for a tip, and she danced around in glee before throwing herself at me and hugging my waist. Ena sent her off with an admonishment to take the money to her parents, and we both watched the child disappear into the warren of run-down buildings.

Ena turned to me with a smile. "Didn't expect to see you here. Figured it was the city guard looking for me until the little scamp showed me her copper -- the guard don't give coppers to elf children."

I laughed. "You're all cynics!"

The elf eyed me speculatively. "Who are you looking for now?"

I rolled my eyes. "No, no, not this time. I was just coming to see how you were doing. We're leaving Wycome today and I wanted to say goodbye."

The look she gave me was odd, and Alistair chuckled beside me. "Yes, we know, she's a strange one."

I stuck my tongue out at both of them and Ena choked on a laugh.

"So things are going okay?" I really did want to know.

She nodded. "That coin went a long way towards helping the Alienage. I never did properly thank you -- I think I was in shock." She held her hand out to me, and we gripped forearms.

"Good. And listen -- I know it's a long way away, but if you or any of yours ever make it to Ferelden, tell them to come to Soldier's Peak. We hire qualified elves for the guard, the army, and as staff for the keep itself, we pay well, and we don't tolerate mistreatment."

She nodded, and we took our leave, heading directly down to the dock. We'd sent our things -- other than our backpacks, which our guards had insisted on carrying -- with the porters Fergus hired and planned to meet them there. It was a pleasant walk, and Alistair and I held hands as we strolled along.

"I'm going to miss warm weather," I commented. "Even the summer is going to be cold at the Peak."

He grimaced. "I'm sorry."

I stared up at him in confusion as he led me down the street. "Why are you sorry? Did I miss the part where you control the weather?" I teased.

He didn't laugh. "If I wasn't a Warden, we could live somewhere else. You wouldn't be stuck at the Peak with the snow and all the hard work you do."

I raised one eyebrow in surprise. "No, we'd be stuck in Denerim and I'd have to play nice with a bunch of obnoxious nobles." I mimed gagging, and Alistair laughed. "I'd take snow over assholes any day. Plus Cailan might have put us at the Peak anyway, Warden or no. Someone's got to run the place. It's not your fault. Besides." I pulled on his hand till he stopped, and then turned to him and went up on my toes, wrapping one hand behind his neck to pull him down for a kiss. "If you were stationed in the Void itself, I'd follow you and learn to live there without hesitation." I stole another quick kiss. "Doesn't mean I have to like the weather, though."

Alistair wrapped his arms around my waist and held me until one of the guards cleared her throat behind us. We sprang apart, and then giggled as we turned to rush down towards the docks.

It took a bit of doing to find the right ship; the docks were crowded, every slip occupied, with cargo being pushed and carried and lifted and people rushing everywhere. Finally we spotted Aedan and Zevran standing near a large vessel, watching our things be lifted on board by one of those hand-operated cranes. Both men carried two large backpacks each, and it didn't look comfortable.

Aedan smiled at us as we walked up, but his expression seemed strained; I tried to take one of Aedan's bags just as Alistair did the same for Zevran, but neither one would let go. I looked up at my brother, whose face was unusually flushed; he was back to avoiding eye contact, and Zevran hadn't even turned to acknowledge us.

I felt my heart plummet into my stomach. I took a step back and looked from Aedan to Zevran and back again. "You're not coming."

Aedan shook his head and glanced at Zevran where he stood stiffly, apparently watching the sailors swarming around the ship. "Sierra..."

"You're going after the Crows." I wanted to pout, to cry, to beg...but I knew it wouldn't help. This was something they needed to do -- something I'd predicted, not that long ago even. I clenched my teeth to make sure my lip didn't quiver and squared my shoulders. "Okay. So where are you going first?"

"Wait a minute," Alistair objected. "You don't need to do that. Zev, we can protect you at the Peak. Just come home with us. They'll quit eventually."

The Antivan turned, a sad smile on his face. "You wish me to be your kept man? My dear Alistair, you never said..."

I snorted and pulled the elf into a hug. "Stop."

He patted my shoulder, clearly feeling awkward. "Fine, cara mia, I shall be serious. I cannot stay with you. Even were I willing to stay indoors at Soldier's Peak for the rest of my life, I would be putting you -- all of you -- at risk. I think we've seen that the Crows will not hesitate to use others to get at me, yes? Until they stop, I am a liability to the Wardens. I am a risk to the Prince and Princess of Ferelden and the Teyrn of Highever. I have no choice."

"I know." I hugged tighter until he finally wrapped his arms around me and returned it. "I would defend you to the death if necessary, but I know you won't be able to live like that. You need to go."

"And he's not going alone," Aedan growled.

"Of course not!" Alistair looked incensed that it was even a question.

Aedan snarled again. "Tell him that. He tried to sneak away last night. Again."

Everyone laughed out loud as I smacked Zevran on the side of the head.

Aedan looked over at Alistair pleadingly. "Forgive me?" Alistair softened and nodded with a sad smile. "Will you be okay?"

Alistair sighed. "I won't say I won't miss you, but I'll manage somehow." He grumbled, "I'll probably have to promote Loghain." Aedan laughed.

I released Zevran reluctantly. "Promise me you'll be careful, and stay together. Don't separate, no matter what. And keep your sending stones with you. If you don't check in every day, we're coming after you and I don't care how far we have to go to find you. Promise me?"

Both men agreed and then the four of us came together in a desperate hug. I sniffled, trying not to burst out crying. I wasn't the only one sniffling, either. Finally we pulled away, and I rubbed my eyes irritably.

"So really, where will you go first?"

"Well, we're close to Antiva, so might as well start there," Aedan declared.

"Some of the Masters will be scattered -- especially if others start disappearing -- but Antiva is where the most powerful hide. It may not take that much to force them into some sort of agreement." Zevran's expression was grim, and I almost felt sorry for the Crows. Almost.

Aedan looked up at the sun, then back at me regretfully. "I'm sorry to leave you like this -- especially with Fergus being such a—"

"It's fine." I squeezed his hand. "I'm a Theirin now, and even he can't deny that. And it doesn't matter anyway. We will get back to our formal working relationship and that will be that. One brother and two -in-laws -- who love me, I think -- are more than enough for me."

"We need to go," Zevran murmured, "if we wish to blend into the crowd."

I reached up and kissed Aedan's cheek, then did the same to Zev. "I love you. Stay safe. Check in every day."

They each exchanged man-hugs with Alistair -- the kind with forearm grasping and backslapping -- and then they were gone. I watched them walk up the dock, and then glide into the crowds and disappear.

I turned to Alistair and huddled into his arms miserably. "Fuck," I swore, face pressed into his chest.

His laugh was mirthless. "Yeah. What you said."

We finally boarded the boat once the cargo was loaded. Fergus was already on board, we were told, in his cabin and 'not to be disturbed'. The bosun of the boat was a skeletally thin but jolly fellow with a wide, contagious smile, and he showed us to our cabin after a brief tour. "My Lord, my Lady," he gestured broadly, and Alistair opened the door to a rather nicer cabin than I'd been expecting. The bed looked just about big enough for both of us, and there were thick rugs on the floor and tapestries on the walls. Our one small chest -- a necessary purchase the last time we were in Wycome -- was tucked under the bed, and there was a small armoire for the rest of our things. "Our finest guest cabin. Er...I hate to be a bother, but the captain will be eager to set sail as soon as possible and your party is still missing two guests. Do you know how long they'll be?"

I stared at him open-mouthed. "You mean they didn't tell you?"

He blinked, and I swore. "They're not coming. Our entire party has boarded. We can set sail whenever you're ready."

He informed us that dinner would be served in the small dining room later, and then excused himself to tell the captain we were ready to leave. I wasn't in the mood to hang out on deck and watch the shore recede, so as we felt the boat set sail, Alistair and I curled up together on the bed and talked about plans for the Wardens, now that our numbers had been depleted again.

"We need to pull Conrad back from Denerim -- soon," I worried. "But Wulf needs someone else with him instead."

"Match-making busybody," Alistair teased. "We'll also have to sort out whether Bel, Sigrun, and Faren all want to end up back in Orzammar -- sending three might be too much right now."

"Which leads back to the Warden relationship issues. Wonder what's happening with Sigrun and Faren?"

Alistair shook his head. "That whole thing is just..."

"Odd? Yeah, it's a bit Hollywood." I considered. "We need more mages. Donal, Alim, and Jowan can't do everything. Do you think Larus will join? That would really help."

"Dunno. I think I'll write to Greagoir when I get back. There's got to be some mages who'd prefer being a Warden to being stuck in the Circle."

"Let me," I suggested. "I might be able to make a deal."

"I'm still not fond of the idea of you training templars." He sighed.

"I know, love. Most of it won't be me -- it's just military training. But yes, I will probably end up having to work at least with a few. But I think...I mean, I don't trust the Chantry, but with Dorothea and Greagoir in charge, I'm less worried -- at least in Ferelden. I think it might decrease the number of mages harmed if the templars can take away their mana -- an out of control kid can be managed other ways than just murdering him, you know?"

He nodded thoughtfully. "It's more a question of if they will than if they can," he complained. "Some of them are good, don't get me wrong, but some of them..." He shuddered.

"I don't think Greagoir will send me those ones. Actually, I don't think he keeps those ones -- sounds like he's been excommunicating a bunch of templars who aren't on board with the new ideas around mage rights."

"Sadly, I hear that most of those -- not just the ones who ambushed Anders and Solona -- are finding patrons in Orlais." He sighed. "But that isn't our problem. As for Wardens...what I'd really like is to find a few more elves. Both city and Dalish. Our only elves now are Alim, Vander -- Justice -- and Wulf, and none of them really count as either. I really want to be diverse, you know?" I'd told him about diversity initiatives back on Earth and all the good they could accomplish, and he had taken it to heart.

"Well, we did tell Wulf not to get too aggressive with recruiting at first, but we could suggest he try harder now. There's got to be elves that want out of the city. I can write to Nate, and maybe we could stop by the Alienage in Highever? I met the Hahren at the Wintersend celebration."

"Good," he agreed. "And I think we'll send Loghain to Ostagar with Alim. He's a good judge of character, and they might be able to recruit a Dalish or two."

"I wouldn't let him conscript them though. I don't even want to think about how much resentment that might get us." I chuckled. "I won't deny that Loghain being further away from me is appealing."

Alistair frowned. "Why? I mean, Loghain, I get it; he's not my favourite person either, but you're the one who convinced Duncan to conscript him."

I flopped back and sighed. "It only made sense. No point wasting a good strategist -- or a strong fighter -- right? And it's a bit of payback, I admit; I hope he gets darkspawn dreams every night." Alistair chuckled. "And I knew he would see the light once he was recruited. I really don't know what happened to him before the Blight -- honestly, it's like he was out of his mind. I mean, could it have been Blood Magic or something?" I snorted and Alistair shook his head with a grin. "But I knew once he'd been through the Joining he'd realise how stupid he'd been. I knew he'd make a good Warden."

"But...?"

"He's just...well, he won't stop bugging me about who I am and where I come from, for one. I haven't told him about Earth and I don't know if I want to, but he clearly knows there's something odd about me and he won't stop asking. Add that to the really terrible things I know he did as regent -- some of which we stopped, sure, but he was willing to sell elves as slaves to a Tevinter Magister just to raise a little money for his war effort. Who does that?"

We talked a little more about the possibilities -- who to send where, what other outposts we might consider in future when our numbers were higher, how we could recruit more Wardens -- but we were interrupted before long by loud banging at our door.

Alistair and I exchanged looks, and both got up, reaching for weapons we had conveniently left accessible. We've taken that lesson to heart - no going anywhere without weapons. "Yes?" Alistair shouted through the door.

"It's me." Fergus sounded pissed off. I put down my dagger and sighed even as Alistair opened the door.

My eldest brother stepped inside aggressively, looking irate. "Where's Aedan?" he barked. He glanced around the room as though we had him hidden under the bed.

I tilted my head curiously. "Wycome, or so I assume. I suppose they could have left already."

He looked at me as though I had a few too many heads -- or perhaps it was too few? "What are you talking about?" His face was an angry red, his fists clenched.

Alistair stepped between us with a long-suffering sigh. "He didn't tell you, either?" He pinched the bridge of his nose irritably. "I'm going to kill him the next time I see him. He and Zevran decided to stay behind. They're not on board."

"And you allowed the ship to leave without them?"

Alistair scoffed. "What did you expect -- that we would knock them out and drag them on board?"

Fergus growled. "We could have delayed departure until they were ready."

I wrapped my arm around Alistair's waist and leaned against him. "Your Grace, Aedan and Zevran are going after the Crows that attacked us. They won't be ready to leave for Ferelden for a long time."

Fergus paled, and his shoulders slumped. "No!" But it wasn't so much a denial as an expression of horror. "How could you allow this?" He pointed at me, but it was weak. "You can make him do anything, it seems, so why not bring him home?"

I suppressed the urge to touch his shoulder or offer a hug. He looks so...alone. "I know you think that, but I really can't. He's his own man. But either way Zevran needs to do this, whether I like it or not -- and Aedan would never have let him go alone."

He pierced me with a gaze that was nearly hateful. "If he gets killed by Crows on this insane errand, it will be on your head."

With that he spun on his heel and stormed out, slamming the door behind him.

Alistair squeezed my shoulders as I stared at the closed door in shock. "It won't." I looked up at him, confused. "Be your fault," he clarified. "And they're going to be fine. I'm sorry, Sierra, but your brother is a complete..."

"Ass?" I barked a laugh. "Yeah. Both of them, sometimes."

He sighed and yanked me onto the bed beside him. "We've got a little time before supper - and you haven't been sleeping well. Nap time."

I leaned up to kiss his chin. "Nap time? Or nap time?" I giggled as he rolled onto me with a Cheshire Cat grin.

*****

We managed to avoid Fergus for the next couple of days, which was made easier by the fact that Fergus was largely staying in his cabin alone. The boat wasn't set up for passengers to be walking around much, and I'd not managed to find myself a nest, this time; we spent most of our time in our cabin too. I just thanked the Maker my seasickness had passed.

At least, I thought it had; that assumption was challenged when the third day out of Wycome - about a day from Ostwick - the winds began picking up and the seas got a whole lot choppier. After a few hours of that discomfort, the bosun came to inform us that the ship would be pulling in as close to shore as possible and dropping anchor; there was a storm coming, and despite the captain's best intentions, we hadn't been able to outrun it.