There and Back Again Ch. 061-062

By the time we camped, I was irritated again, and I hastily pulled out the phone before sparring with Tomas. I selected a song, tossed the offending device through the flap of Alistair's tent, and stomped off to spar.

An area for sparring had been set aside, but to my never-ending surprise, when I went over and readied my daggers, it wasn't Tomas I was facing. Alistair stepped into the middle of the trampled grass, holding sword and shield in a defensive posture.

Chapter Sixty-Two: Abandonment and Knighthood

Alistair stepped into the middle of the trampled grass, holding sword and shield in a defensive posture. I wanted to refuse; I didn't want anything to do with the bastard, and learning from him seemed impossible. But refusing would have opened it up for discussion, and I wanted that even less.

I noticed that, purposely I assumed, only Aedan and Tomas were there to witness us. We were a little bit outside of camp, where those at the fire couldn't see. I sighed and went on the offensive. I circled around Alistair, feinting a few times, testing his reflexes. He was fast; almost as fast as Tomas, and stronger to boot. I knew I couldn't afford to get hit with his shield at all.

My performance at first was lackluster; I was emotionally off-balance fighting Alistair. He didn't even try to shield bash me, but it took no effort whatsoever for him to block my attacks. Tomas and Aedan tried calling out suggestions, even taunting me and calling me feeble, trying to get my temper up, to make me get serious. It didn't work; I tried, but the more I thought about it, the less well I performed.

After a bit of this, Alistair sighed. He dropped his sword and propped his shield up against a nearby tree, then turned his vulnerable back to me, unarmed.

"Maybe you can hit me now? Give it a go, princess."

I knew in my head it was a calculated move to get under my skin; I knew it, but it still worked. Immediately my back went up, my temper now running the show, and I dropped into a more aggressive stance that Zev had demonstrated previously. I didn't hold back; it was a good thing the blades had been enchanted to be dull – a blessing from Sandal, of course – because suddenly I was furious.

I went on the attack, dropping low and aiming at his knees, spinning after an attack to begin a new one. I didn't pull my punches; the enchanted blades didn't pierce his armour, but I hit him hard, anyway, and I was leaving bruises if his surprised grunt was anything to go by. After the first few moments of me actually trying to hit him, he sprinted away and grabbed his shield. I didn't give him time to grab his sword, or to properly equip the enormous bulwark, but just kept attacking.

Put your shield down with me, will you? Turn your back?I stabbed and spun, dropped and did it again at a different height, and he was forced to use both hands on the edges of the shield to try to block my fury. I didn't even realise when any skill I possessed went out the window, and I was just stabbing uselessly at the by-now dented shield and sobbing in rage and hurt.

Alistair didn't move, didn't try to stop me; he stood there and withstood it, let me hit him as hard and as often as I needed until the anger finally fled. I realised we were alone; Aedan and Tomas had obviously opted for discretion, and gone away. My exhausted arms finally fell to my sides and I dropped the practice daggers; I staggered back, out of breath and breathless both.It turns out those are two separate things, one physical, one emotional. Who knew?

I didn't bother to wipe the tears or stop them; I looked up at my former lover, dropped my shoulders in defeat, and finally spoke directly to him.

"Why?" It was all I could think of to ask. I couldn't get the rest of the words out.Why did you break my heart, why did you walk away, what did I do to make you believe I could be that monster, why are you tormenting me now?

By the saddening of his carefully controlled expression, I could tell he heard the words I didn't say. He took a deep breath and answered.

"Insecurity. Not believing in what I had in front of me, not trusting you, but instead believing the lessons I learned in childhood. Stupidity. You name it, and the insult applies to me. And now? I just wanted the chance to say I'm sorry. And I am, Sierra. I know I will sound like the biggest idiot you can imagine, but I wasn't actually trying to break things off with you. I was so absorbed in my own stupid feelings that I didn't realise what that would look like to you, what not trusting you would do to you. And now, all I can do is be here and hope that I can somehow, eventually, undo what I did."

I turned away, speaking softly over my shoulder. "I'm not sure that's possible."

I saw him nod in my peripheral vision. "I'll be waiting. Just in case."

I walked away without another word. I went straight to my tent, crawling in and collapsing on my bedroll. I barely managed to unbuckle my chest piece before I passed out.

I didn't hear anything for the rest of the night, but my subconscious must have been listening, because when the song I'd chosen was played in the tent next to mine, it haunted my dreams. I couldn't remember the images when I woke, but the melody of Shania Twain's "It only hurts when I'm breathing" was stuck in my head.

And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath – to forget

When I opened my eyes, I expected to see Aedan's face at my dark tent flap; instead, there was light streaming in from the sun, and it wasn't dawn light, either. I sighed. I'd slept through my watch and half the morning, if the angle of the sun's rays were anything to go by.

I finally crawled out of the tent, and my eyes widened in confusion. Most of the camp was just...missing. Leliana was sitting by the fire with Prince, singing softly to herself; Morrigan was reading from her mother's grimoire, as far away from Leliana as she could get without leaving camp. Dariel sat, trying not to look like he was listening avidly to Leli's singing. Gorim was practicing some sort of sword forms, likely trying to build up the stamina he'd lost while injured. Zevran emerged from the edge of the copse of trees nearby. And that was it. There were no tents except my own, only a few small packs, and no Grey Wardens.

Leliana looked up as I emerged, and smiled at me sympathetically.

"Don't panic, Sierra. They haven't abandoned you."

Ever eloquent, I squinted and drawled "What?" before I even had a chance to isolate the sensation in my chest when I saw everyone gone.Yep, Leliana nailed it, that's abandonment I'm feeling. How strange – I haven't felt that in years.

"Tomas felt we should let you sleep as long as you could. We know you haven't been sleeping well, these past few days. So they went ahead, they said they had to cross to the Tower and come back, and had some arrangements to make. They figured we would catch up to them before they got back from the Tower. They said they needed Alistair, Aedan, Tomas, and Wynne at the Tower, and Sten and Shale to set up and protect a camp near shore. So we waited to accompany you."

The discomfort in my chest eased, and I smiled in gratitude. Once convinced Aedan was fine, and hadn't really left me, I was actually sort of happy to be alone with the small group, no need to act okay and no...Alistair. At least for a couple of hours, I wouldn't have to face him after the debacle the night before, wouldn't have to feel the weight of his gaze on me. I stretched and then sat by Leli, smiling in greeting at the others who'd waited with me.

I ate cold porridge and nibbled a piece of jerky; since becoming a Warden, I was a lot less picky about what I'd eat, I noticed. Once done, I quickly packed my things and got ready to go. Since no one else had a full pack, everyone distributed my things evenly among us, except Morrigan who, as usual, would be flying above us to scout.

I'd found my phone among the packs sitting outside; I tucked it into a pocket without a word. I couldn't bear to know what song Alistair had chosen to send me a message with this time; not yet, anyway.

It was a pleasant morning, and even the endless walking didn't seem quite so bad. It wasn't precisely warm, but the sun was up and took the worst of the chill out of the air, and the humidity rose the closer we got to Lake Calenhad. I thought ahead to reaching the lake, and decided I'd try to find time to really get clean before we got on a boat to Redcliffe. Though I supposed I could also requisition a bath after the boat ride.

We arrived at the lakeshore before long, and followed Morrigan's piercing cry towards a camp occupied by only Sten and Shale. The golem was quiet, as usual, but Sten actually looked a little bit happy to see us. I wondered if he was suffering from fear of abandonment too, not that I would have asked him that. I didn't want to die, after all.

We didn't know how long we would have to wait for them to come back, hopefully with Irving and Greagoir in tow; we set up camp, and Zev slipped off to do some hunting. We might be able to get supplies in the Tower or in Redcliffe, but extra meat would never be a bad thing, with now four Grey Wardens to feed. I decided to have my bath, and Leli came with; we searched along the rocky shoreline until we found a little inlet protected by a stand of trees for privacy.

The water near the shore was very shallow, and the sun directly overhead had managed to warm it, a little; it was very pleasant, sinking into the water, submerged except for nose and mouth. I washed my hair twice, revelling in the luxury, and then crawled out to a large rock, sitting naked, allowing the sun to dry me before dressing. The beautiful bard, who I was more than a touch envious of, reclined on her own rock.

We chatted amiably for a few minutes before suddenly Leliana went very still. She gestured at me to be quiet, and then pointed at the copse of trees behind us. She indicated to me she wanted me to stay put, and then silently rolled onto all fours, grabbing a dagger and her damp tunic off the ground, then snuck into the woods barefoot. I tried to stay still, pretend like I didn't know something was wrong, but it took everything that I had not to grab for my clothes and my own daggers.

And then I heard a thump, a squeal, and some cursing in Antivan. I rolled my eyes; Zevran.I should have known.I turned around to see a naked Leliana behind Zev, with her tunic wrapped around his eyes and her dagger held to his neck. I stood up and raised my eyebrow at Leli.

"It would seem we have a peeping Tom," I drawled.

Leli giggled. "He wishes. He didn't get anywhere near close enough to peep at anything."

Zev objected. "I wasn't peeping! I was...checking on your safety, yes? The Warden would be displeased with me if something happened to you while he was away."

I tsk'd at him. "If you're going to lie, at least make it convincing, Zevran."

I knew, when I thought about it, that he hadn't actually been trying that hard; he was more capable than Leli of moving silently and in hand-to-hand combat. There's no way that we'd have known he was there, or that Leli could have overpowered him, unless he'd let it happen.

Leli asked, "So what are we going to do about him now?"

Zevran replied, "I can offer some suggestions, if you're having trouble thinking of appropriate punishments, belissima."

I chuckled. "I think a little payback, perhaps. Is that blindfold on tight, Leli?" I winked and she nodded. "Zev, Leli's still got her dagger right to your jugular. You move and she'll use it, you understand?"

Clearly nervous now, Zev stuttered. "Mia sorella? Please, I..."

"Oh, no, don't you 'sister' me, Zevran. You tried to peep; now put on your big boy pants and take your punishment."

I walked up to him, still naked, smirking at Leli. I stopped a fraction of an inch from him, going on tip-toes and leaning forward to whisper in his ear. "Your punishment, dear brother, is to have to live knowing that Leli and I were this close to you," Leli pressed up to him from behind, and I blew warmly on his ear, "both of us naked, and that you could neither see nor touch. And if it happens again, or if you don't go straight back to camp without peeking, I'll tell Aedan exactly what you were up to."

His jaw dropped open, and Leli's laugh tinkled out through the clearing. "You are most torturously devious, bella donna. Consider me appropriately chastised. I will keep my eyes closed until you are clear, and go back to camp without peeking. This I swear."

True to his word, he kept his eyes closed as Leli and I gathered our things and moved off along the beach to somewhere out of sight. Seeing the incredulous look on Leli's face, I cracked up, sinking down to sit, bare-assed, on the sandy beach. Leli joined me, also giggling, and we laughed together at Zevran's expense.

"You know you've only dared him to try again, don't you? He's not going to give up."

"There was never a chance he'd give up. He has a reputation to maintain, after all! He's not trying very hard, honestly. It's just a game. And it cheered me up, which I'm sure was his plan..."

"Speaking of cheering up, dare I ask, what has been happening with you and Alistair and your phone? It seems to be travelling back and forth between you, but no one is actually listening to music."

I sighed. "He is trying to apologise. I'm trying to make him go away. We seem to be having a little battle, choosing songs to send each other instead of talking." Leliana eyed me with one eyebrow raised, and I flushed defensively. "He started it! I finally got mad after the first two and sent him a response. He won't take the hint."

"What songs?"

I told her, singing brief snatches from each one, and she nodded; she'd listened to my entire library more than once, I was sure, and could probably sing most of the songs in it. She smiled softly at his selections, but gently admonished me about mine.

"You really are angry with him! Poor Alistair."

"Are you joking?" I scowled at her, only half serious. "You feel sorry for him?"

"Sierra...if you wanted him truly to go away, the best method would be not to respond at all. I do not think you are so dedicated to staying away from him as you believe yourself to be. Responding, especially with a bit of humour, is definitely going to encourage him. Even if your song choices are angry."

I scowled deeper. "If he takes "I'm not ready to make nice" as encouragement, he's got bigger problems."

I stood, now dry, and pulled my clothes on; the phone, still in my pocket, called to me. With a sigh, I sat down and turned it on. I was inexplicably irritated with Leli, though I knew that wasn't rational, but it was sort of nice to have someone with me when I found out what song he'd left for me this time.

I wasn't expecting, of all the songs he could have chosen, Celine Dion's 'I'll be waiting for you."

Take me back into the arms I love; need me like you did before
Touch me once again, and remember when
There was no one that you wanted more

I'll be waiting for you here inside my heart
I'm the one who wants to love you more
You will see I can give you everything you need
Let me be the one to love you more

Leliana held me as I cried, and her voice was soft when she finally spoke. "I feel sorry for him, but I am also sorry for you, my friend. This is hurting you both more than it needs to. I will make him stop, if you wish it."

I snivelled, wiping my tears off with the back of my hand. "I just...I need to think. Don't do anything, for now, okay? I'll let you know."

When I finally had myself together again, we headed back to camp. We arranged a clearing around the fire with logs scattered around for sitting. Dariel had gone off into the woods a little ways, not eager to be aroundanytemplar, never mind the Knight Commander; Morrigan flew overhead to warn us when Aedan and the rest approached.

I sat curled on a blanket, thinking about Alistair, and everything Leliana and Wynne had said to me. My thoughts were a whirlwind, and I was only too glad to be interrupted by Morrigan's cawing as she flew through the camp. Shale and Sten elected to stay on the edge of camp, to keep watch; everyone else stood and turned towards the shore. Within a few minutes, a group of people came in sight; as they came closer, I could recognise the faces of my brother and my companions, but also Irving, Tanar, Greagoir, a young elf who I assumed was a mage by the robes he wore, and one more templar in full plate, including a helmet. Irving and Tanar looked excited, while Greagoir's expression was far more sour. I couldn't wait to change it.

Aedan came up to me and gave me a hug, apologising for leaving me in the morning. I hugged him back, and he whispered to me.

"Irving knows what we are after. Greagoir only knows we asked to meet. Don't demonstrate anything until he's agreed to let you go free, and to allow the conscription."

I nodded, and followed him over to the fire. Our companions who weren't immediately involved in the process spread out through camp, cleaning armour, sharpening blades, and generally entertaining themselves; Alistair, Tomas, Wynne, and Leliana joined Aedan and I, followed by our guests. Alistair refused to make eye contact with me, and although I was grateful – I didn't relish the thought of looking into those piercing orbs – I was also curious as hell.Now's not the time, Sierra.

We all settled around the fire; the anonymous templar wouldn't sit, but instead stood behind Greagoir, hand on the pommel of his sword. I shared a log with Aedan, who immediately put his arm around my shoulders. Once everyone was seated, we started the introductions. The young elf was introduced only as Alim, which perked my ears up, but I couldn't do anything about it before figuring out everything else. I shook my head; there was no chance Greagoir was going to let us leave with two mages, and Anders was just more urgent. I did wonder why Alim was with them, but waited to find out. The templar wasn't named, and never even removed his helmet. I wanted to scowl at him, but resisted.I need Greagoir on my side; don't piss him off over minutia, Sierra.

At Tomas' nod, I spoke.

"My name is Sierra Jones."

"Cousland." Aedan spoke up. "She's a Cousland, from Highever."

I rolled my eyes and continued. "I am going to tell you a story that you won't believe, but I hope I can change your mind. Everyone here is convinced of the truth of this story. I tell you this with an ulterior motive; I want something from you. Once I have told you my story, I will tell you what I want, and what I have to trade for it." I turned to Greagoir. "I assure you I am no mage, and should you require it, I am prepared to allow you to verify that fact. Before I tell you anything more, though, I need a promise. I require a promise that, pending your verification of my non-mage status, you will not attempt to detain me to learn what I know."

Greagoir looked around himself. "I am in the middle of a well-armed camp. It would be suicide to try, I suspect."

I nodded. "Likely. But I don't relish the thought of being hunted." I softened my tone. "Look, I can promise you, I intend no harm to you, the Circle, the templars, the Chantry, or anyone else in Thedas except the darkspawn."

"Assuming I believe you when this is done, I agree."

It was the best I was going to get, and I knew it. I sighed and began my story.

"As my dear brother said, I was born in Highever. When I was born, though, something happened. No one knows what, or how, but my...soul, let's call it, the essence of what makes me, me," I looked around to ensure no one looked too confused, "somehow was transported elsewhere. Somehow, this essence ended up as a newborn baby, on a distant world. And I do mean world; I was not on Thedas.