There Must Be a Mistake Ch. 04

"It's not like I was asking you for sex or anything. You don't have to give me the headache answer. Boy you are grouchy. Do you want to ditch the car at the airport, fly up to Maine, and see what's going on up there with Rod?"

"The last state in this country your feet are going to be in is Maine. If I have to fly you to Guam so they can't find you, bring your bathing suits honey, because you are going. I don't like it when Rod has a bad feeling. You can joke with him all you want, but his legal mind is as good as they come. If I am edgy, Rod being worried is why."

"Well, let's get this buggy moving so we can see the two holes in the ground. I want to see the circular one first. Will they let me go down to the bottom like in the movie Starman?"

"I believe I know someone who may be able to get your permission to go down there and take a look, but you must behave yourself all the way there, and that includes your language."

"Even you are such a party pooper."

"Yes, I am, and I intend to stay that way until I have you married off to a wonderful young man, or until you are 40. Then you can poop at your own party."

"I think my mattress has a 20 year guarantee on it. That means I will be into my third year of my new mattress."

"Today's generation of rechargeable batteries is both awful and wasteful. Considering the amount of devices women use to attain satisfaction, you may want to look into developing solar or hand rechargeable devices that will help poor women, and women in developing nations achieve the same satisfaction as those in developed nations. You would be seen as the Clara Barton of the Clitoris, the Eleanor Roosevelt of women's Plumbing, the Molly Pitcher of women's Orgasms and Lucretia Mott of Abortion Rights."

"I could do all of that by making something that makes a dildo stay charged longer, recharges faster, and does not add to the population or pollution of the planet."

"You do all four of those and you are looking at the Nobel Prize."

"The next time we passed gas station can we stop so I can get a pencil and some paper?"

"Both items are in the pouch behind my seat. Have a good time, but remember the patent office is east of us in Maryland. So make up your mind. Do you want to see two holes in the ground, or are you going to be finished soon enough to bring it to the patent office."

"I may be finished, but I can't test them in front of you Uncle Even."

"I'll close my eyes."

"You will close your eyes while you're driving?"

"Okay, I'll close one eye."

"Which eye are you going to close? The one closest to me so you can use the other eye to look into the rearview mirror and look directly at me?"

"I didn't even think about that."

"When we started our trip down to Texas do you remember I said you were terrible liar?"

"Yes, I remember you saying that."

"Even, you're not getting any better at it, so start telling me the truth."

"Delicious isn't it more fun for you to catch me in a lie because otherwise you have nothing to say when you catch me cheating."

"That's all you do to me; you lie and cheat. Everything you do is lie and cheat. No wonder I have a complex."

"Yes but there are only six or seven little pimples there."

She yelled, "Where!" She pulled down her sun visor and looked into the vanity mirror for the six or seven little explosions that weren't in evidence. She pulled her skin six ways from Sunday looking for those tiny terrors, and then her motion came to a calm stop.

"Did you just do it to me again Uncle Even?"

"I'm sorry dear I have to turn up the volume on my hearing aids. I can barely hear you. What did you say?"

I cringed and moved as close to the side window as was humanly possible because she screamed, "Did You Do It To Me Again Uncle Even?"

In the tiniest voice I could come up with I said, "Yes."

"I hate you. I will get even with you, and I will make sure you die before I do."

"I think I'll leave you in the bottom of the meteor crater."

"Rod would be a very happy man if you left me down there. Of course Rosalynn would pull your throat out through your spine. Your sister would have a very long conversation with you, before she let the devil have you. I am not sure if there would be enough left of you for the devil to take after my mother finishes with you, but he would have the right of first refusal for the quarks that are left over."

"I knew you would get science involved in this conversation somehow."

"I Still Hate You."

"I Still Hate You Three Times As Much."

"Uncle Even, you need to get laid in the worst possible way."

"I don't know any ways to get laid Niece Delicious. How would I recognize the worst possible way?"

Delicious screamed. "Don't talk to me! Make-believe I'm not here. If I have any more conversations with you I will jump out the window. It is impossible to have a normal, intelligent discussion with a man with so little usable humanity inside him. Wake me up at 11 o'clock and I will drive for the next four hours. Don't answer yes or no, just nod your head, and wake me up at 11 o'clock."

*******

When we reached Albuquerque, I found a large branch of the Wells Fargo Bank and went in with Delicious at my side. The teller was a man and his young 20s, and I wrote out a bank draft for $30,000. He asked for identification which I gave him, and he said it would take a few moments.

Soon afterwards, he rejoined us at the window with the bank manager, and two guards, who stood behind Delicious and me. I asked if there was a problem.

The bank manager said, "You have the wrong account number on this draft. I believe you are trying to defraud this bank."

I asked to see the draft, looked at the account number, and handed it back to him. "There is $13,600,000 more for less, in that account. If I do not have $30,000 in my hands in the next two minutes, this bank will lose not only that account, but the remainder of my accounts which this company currently holds. My name is Doctor Even Luck. You now have less than two minutes to get me my money."

The bank manager blanched. "Doctor Luck, this is going to take us at least five minutes to get that much money together."

I was really pissed off now. "You have 90 seconds to bring me that money, so I can pay my escort her money and be on my way. I am paying her by the hour which means you are costing me money."

Three tellers appeared out of the vault carrying two flats of $100 bills sealed in plastic. Each flat contained $20,000. They cut one open, and removed $10,000 from it and handed it to me. I counted out $8000 and handed it to Delicious. I kissed her and said, "You will leave the same two days open for me next week?"

Delicious played along perfectly. In a sweet southern drawl she replied, "Yes, but the following week I will be in Rome with Thaddeus, and won't be back for two weeks. He is such a bore, but his money is so good. I will call you as soon as I return."

"Don't you dare forget to call me; I will be miffed if you do."

All the men around me watched as Delicious gracefully walked out of the bank. She was swaying her hips like a gentle ocean swell, with $8000 in her pocketbook. Then the men looked at me like I was insane.

"Gentlemen, I watched that young lady come out of her mother's womb. She learned the art of love from the best teachers in Italy, France, and the United States. For two days of her company, $8000 is like purchasing Mona Lisa for a dollar. You will go to your grave, with her face smiling at you."

I walked out of the bank as if I was in a trance. I could feel their eyes following me, and the happiness I felt inside was amazing. There would be a lot of talk going on in the coffee room this afternoon; an awful lot of talk, and it would all be about DELICIOUS.

I filled up with fuel and had the Q7 washed so I could see out the front window. We continued west on US Highway 84, through some of the most desolate areas of the country I had ever seen. Delicious saw it another way.

"Why aren't their fields full of solar panels out here making energy Uncle Even? All this land is laying fallow, and 90 percent of the days are precipitation, and cloud free. Any entrepreneur or electric company could make a fortune out of a minimal investment."

"Would you like to form a corporation with me and do just that?"

"It would not be fair to you, because all the investment money would be yours."

"Yes, it would be my money, but as you say, the return on investment would maximize our profit. You could pay me back from it. The price of solar equipment has fallen through the floor, since the Chinese government has pulled price supports from their companies, and they are folding. US companies are now more than competitive in this field. How many acres of solar panels would we need to make this venture worthwhile?"

"A rough estimate is all I can give you right now Uncle Even. We would have to approach the US Department of Land Management for a low-cost lease on 50,000 acres of land. We would only start out using 10,000 acres for the first array's which would produce 25 megawatts of power for the grid. Environmentalists will come after us tooth and nail for ruining the desert. We will put in writing that we will save three percent of our profits to remove any and all obsolete materials as we upgrade. We can get loans from the state and federal government as a startup corporation up $500 Million. Our out-of-pocket cost will be in the area of $200 million using only US suppliers. This will make the Congress like us, the unions help us, and the manufacturers love us. It will take two years to go through the process of approval; and to pour the first foundations."

I looked over at her and smiled. "I'm very happy that this was only a rough estimate. I would have absolutely hated it if you put any thought into it at all."

"Can I help it if I remember everything I read Uncle Even?"

"No you can't. However, you are going to do all our financial bargaining with our contractors and suppliers. I would hate to be on the other side of the table from you. You would probably know their great grandmothers maiden names."

"What would be so unusual about that?"

This time I smacked her, and she laughed."

600 miles later we left New Mexico and entered Arizona. 470 miles more to the Grand Canyon, but only 395 to the medium size hole in the ground. We passed a sign saying, "Last gas station until Meteor Crater 10 miles ahead."

Out of an abundance of caution I decided to stop and fill up the tank. It turned out to be a good idea, because the little person who was traveling with me went into the store and came out with a hot dog in her mouth a bag under each arm and a tray of sodas. I swear when it came to food she was as good as any Chinese juggler in the world.

She cleaned out the front of the car, and put the new acquisitions in their place. I started getting in to the driver's seat, when she yelled, "Oh no you don't; it is my turn to drive."

"Do you think you can follow the directions properly?"

"Would you like to drink your soda, or wear it?"

"I was only asking."

"There is only one road Uncle Even. It goes West and East. It is called Arizona 64 or Interstate 40. When I see the sign for the next gas station, I will make a right turn and follow the signs to the meteor crater. Would you like to get into the car now?"

"If you're going to have that type of attitude, I am going to have a headache for the next 395 miles."

"It couldn't happen to a nicer guy. Now get in and shut up."

I did, both, not wanting to start a war between us (just yet).

13. Heaven Is Below Us

Something very cold was dripping onto my head, so I moved out of its way. It wound up dripping onto my neck which only made me colder. This was annoying. I turned to my body across the seat, and wrapped my arm around the seatbelt making myself more comfortable. The dam water was now dripping onto my ear. I was returning slowly to consciousness, and did not hear the roar of the engine or the tires on the pavement. I opened one eye, and realized there was no one in the drivers' seat. She was going to get a beating, and I was going to be the beater.

I turned to my right quickly, hoping to catch the offending hand that was dripping water onto my body, but no one was there. Boy was she good. She had taken a three bottles of water from our thermal bag, opened them enough so they would leak continuously, and taped them to my headrest. Regardless of which way I turned in my sleep, I was going to get wet. I tightened the caps on the bottles and looked to see where I was. She left me sleeping in the parking lot of the meteor crater. Then she went scouting on her own.

I went to pay my admission fee, but the man at the window asked me if I was the drunk in the blue SUV.

"Apparently."

He handed me my admission packet, and said, "You are setting a very bad example for your granddaughter."

I was going to kill her, and bury her at the bottom of the crater. She would rest happily there.

I knew she would not be in the theater or shopping for knickknacks. I knew she would be looking to get into trouble, which put her outside looking down into the abyss. I took the elevator up to the top of the exhibit so I could work my way down and not miss her. I walked out onto the landing turned and I heard her immediately. She was giving the tour guide a lecture he would never forget.

"How long have you worked here? Why are you giving all these people the incorrect information about this crater? It was not here over 50,000 years ago. Don't you read the journal, "Science?" It was made by an iron core meteorite between 80 and 130 feet wide moving 10 times faster than a speeding bullet between 20 and 50,000 years ago. Everything you are telling these people went out four years ago. Where is your supervisor I want to talk to him? These people should be given their money back. You are lying to them."

The crowd of 20 people that were in her group applauded. The poor guide asked them to stay where they were and he would find his superior and have him speak to them.

I reached through the crowd, grabbed her by the collar of her shirt, and pulled her to me. "The Constitution guarantees you the right of free assembly. It does not give you the right to incite to riot."

"He was lying to these people. What was I supposed to do, stand here and let him do it?"

"Have you ever heard about writing a letter of protest?"

"Do you think it would have worked?"

"No."

"Why should I waste the time, ink, paper, envelope, stamp, gasoline, and time to do it, while these people are still being defrauded."

"Are you going to be able to solve all society's ills during this trip?"

"No, but I can fix as many as I run across, can't I?"

"Yes Delicious, you certainly can."

The supervisor of the display entered the area demanding to know who was challenging the findings of the exhibit.

I raised my hand and said, "We are."

Your name is?"

"My name is Doctor Even Luck, I am a scientist, and graduate from MIT. This is my niece, Delicious Mark. Everything she told your trainee is absolutely correct, and if you tell any of these people she is wrong I will sue you personally, and the government agency you work for in general."

"Doctor Luck, may we talk about this in private?"

"No, I paid the same admission fee as these fine people here. They deserve to hear whatever explanation you give to me about this incorrect information you are giving out. If you are going to explain to me that this hole in the ground was dug by extraterrestrials using teaspoons, they should hear about it also."

The people around us laughed.

"Doctor Luck we are employed by the Department of the Interior. They prepare our lectures make our brochures and pay for the upkeep of this facility. If you have information that proves what we are saying is incorrect, it is because we are given the incorrect information by the higher ups. Please take it up with them."

"When I return home, I will inform my attorneys to contact you and have you deposed. If you fine people would not mind, please write your names on a piece of paper, and a way for my attorney to contact you; we will give the federal government a headache they will not soon forget."

"Sir, one other thing, I want to prove to my niece that a piece of the iron core of the meteorite is still buried at the bottom of this crater. We would like to take a walk down there. Would you like me to call Mister Beranger, or can you give me permission to do it?"

"You don't have to call sir; we will get someone to escort you to the bottom."

Delicious tugged on the back of my shirt. "Do you know everyone Uncle Even?"

"No dear, but Mister Beranger's name is at the bottom of the greeting card we received with our entrance package. I thought his name was as good as any to use."

She whispered, "YOU CHEATED AGAIN?"

"If you tell him I cheated, you won't be going to the bottom of the crater."

She thought about something for a second, but didn't do anything.

"You are very lucky Uncle Even. Going to the bottom of the crater was more important to me than kicking you in the ankle."

"You used the scientific method and came out with the proper conclusion."

"How did I do that?"

"You are angry with me, as usual, and you wanted to take action. Decision: Kick him. Result: He can't walk. Conclusion: You cannot go to the bottom of the crater.

New Decision: Take no action now, kick him later."

"You are so much fun to be with Uncle Even. You forgot one other decision I could make."

"What is that my dear?"

"I could kick you while we are at the bottom of the crater."

"I did take that into consideration if you look at my new decision. ' Kick him later.' Later could mean at the bottom of the crater and a group of people would have to carry me up the crater walls."

"I don't like you Uncle Even; you're taking all my fun away."

"And I don't like you Delicious, three times as much."

*****************

"I am not getting on a donkey. You could put a shotgun to my head and tie it around my neck, and I am not getting on a donkey Delicious."

30 minutes later, I was on the back of the donkey, with my legs tied to the leather straps that led to the stirrups. So far I owed the pretzel jar over $200, and counting. As you can guess, I was not a happy camper. All Delicious could do was laugh. It was her turn to say, "Uncle Even, I love you three times as much as you love me."

My answer cost me $40.

The park rangers did not have to give us a lecture on the strata formations in the rock as we passed down towards the bottom of the canyon to the river. Delicious did it for them. Our guides were smart enough not to argue with her.

She told our group that 95 percent of the rock formations they will encounter come from the Paleozoic Strata except for the 'Vishnu Schist' which has yet to be catalogued properly. The top layer of his called 'Kaibab Limestone' or 'The Bathtub Ring,' which is only 250 million years old. She continued down the entire way until we reached the beach, which she pointed out the different coloration of the rock, which was called, 'Temple Butte Limestone' which was made up of Fresh Water mollusks, clams, and other ancient freshwater fish.

As they untied me from my beast of burden, I ran after my niece, threatening to break every bone in her body, including the orbital bones around her eyes. I had a very good memory for physiology.

The Colorado River was moving slowly, and at ebb tide due to the demand of electricity in Los Angeles, because of the summer heat. As I closed in on her, she turned to the right and dove into the river. She started swimming back towards our encampment. She watched me follow her while I stayed on the shore.