This Isn't a Romance Novel Ch. 01

Author's note: This is my first straight series. Everything is fictional. All characters are over 18.

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25 year old Nia Johnson gazed at herself in the mirror. Her makeup was flawless. Her natural 4c hair was styled so perfectly that even her hater cousins would admit it looked amazing. Her $3,000 wedding dress made her look a princess. A princess with a great rack, which was a small rebellion against her mother who complained about that amount of cleavage in church. Nia had never looked better in her entire life. Yet she had an overwhelming urge to run out of the backroom at this church and hop up on a bus like that movie where that girl ran out of her wedding with that guy who fucked her mom. Nia had never understood why a woman would want a man who knew what her mother's pussy tasted like, but she shrugged it off as a white person thing.

"Nia, if you want to get out of here, I'm down. You don't have to marry Earl. We can run out of here and stop off at that nigga's place, pack your shit and you can move in with me and Dillon," LaToya Wilson, Nia's older sister and matron of honor, said in her no nonsense tone. "I've never liked Earl. What kind of man proposes after one month of dating? You hadn't even farted in front of each other yet and he's getting on one knee. And he's a mama's boy. You can't marry a mama's boy. That's like being in a love triangle with a bitch who won't even suck his dick. Thank God Dillon's mother is dead, so I can live a mother-in-law free existence. Men should advertise that in their dating app profiles: 'By the way, you won't have to deal with my mother. She's worm food.' That would be a plus."

Nia dearly loved her sister who was two years older than her and was her best friend, but she'd heard all this before. LaToya, a private investigator, had done an extensive background check on Earl Riley, 30 year old local weatherman, after Nia met him on dating app Wifed Up, the premiere dating app for black singles looking for a serious relationship. All that came back was a few parking tickets, a bit of credit card debt and a news article about the car accident that had paralyzed Earl's sister Edwina.

"It is too late to back out now, Toya. I'm in the damn dress. Mom is in the other room helping the bridesmaids get ready. I can't disappoint her like that. And what about Earl? That would be humiliating. And his parents paid for the wedding. If I pull a runaway bride, that would be like setting about 40K on fire," Nia said miserably turning to face her sister.

Nia had always been a people pleaser. Ever since she was a little girl, she'd always hated disappointing people. This resulted in her rarely raising her voice in a tone that would make people uncomfortable, always smiling even when she wanted to tell someone to fuck off and rarely putting herself first. So when Earl got down on one knee in the middle of Chili's after one month of dating, Nia said yes. Even though she wanted to scream that it was too soon and that the location of the proposal was less than desirable. A waiter carrying fajita skillets almost walked right into Earl.

"Mom got over me marrying a white guy from Boston, so she'll be fine. I just had to tell her he was a big cocked sweetheart and if she kept bitching, she'd never meet her future grandchildren. And I don't give a fuck about high yellow Earl and his weirdo family. I saw his sister dipping Pringles into mayo. Mayo! I know she's handicapped, but she isn't right in the head," LaToya ranted. "Besides, I think Earl would get over it. I talked with one of his groomsmen at the rehearsal dinner and apparently Earl's nickname in college was Booty Slayer! Do you know how many cheeks you have to beat up to get called Booty Slayer?!"

Nia's eyebrows rose. "Really? Earl? He's always been so tame in bed. I tried to blow him once and he said that would be disrespectful to his future wife and mother of his children. We've only done missionary like twice a month with only one tentative lick at my pussy. He has a Madonna/Whore complex. Fuck my life..."

"Another reason to dump his ass! Dillon loves and respects me, but will still fuck my face and shoot a load down my throat," LaToya mused and smirked as she thought about her sex life with her husband and played with her braided hair. "Anyway, if you want to run, do it now. Life is too short to be married to some bitch ass man who turns down a BJ from his woman. Dillon has friends he can set you up with who won't get the vapors if you want to lick their balls and I assume could find the clit without drawing a map! Except for Matt. You can't be fucking your boss."

Nia had worked for Dillon's friend from law school Matthew Swickard as an assistant for the past year and a half. It wasn't her dream job to be the assistant to a divorce attorney, but it paid the bills and it helped that Matt was 6'5", brown hair and looked like he belonged on the cover of a romance novel that Nia longed to write herself. Nia secretly dreamed of being a successful novelist, but like everything else she pushed those feelings down.

A gentle knock came at the door. It couldn't be Nia and LaToya's mother Donna who knocked like a door being closed to her was an insult. LaToya shot Nia a look to indicate that this conversation wasn't over as she walked to open the door revealing Edwina, Earl's younger handicapped sister. She was wearing her blue bridesmaid dress and a short wig that looked like it had seen better days. Nia and LaToya also noticed the chip crumbs in Edwina's lap. Normally LaToya would say something about that, but the woman was in a wheelchair and always seemed morose.

"Hey. Earl wants to see you, Nia," Edwina said in a monotone like she was a high schooler apathetically reading The Crucible aloud in class.

Nia perked up. The groom wanting to see the bride before a wedding was almost never good news, which was perfect for her. If he was calling off the wedding, he'd be the bad guy and Nia could get out of this somewhat gracefully. LaToya had the same thought and the sisters exchanged sly looks.

"Did he say what he wanted to talk about?" Nia asked while trying to contain her excitement.

"No." Edwina wheeled away. Nia didn't bother calling after her. When Edwina was done talking, she'd just leave. The first time she had met Edwina at one of Earl's family parties, a cousin from the maternal white side of Earl's family was tearfully relating the story of her girlfriend getting diagnosed with breast cancer. Edwina had just said "At least she'll save money on bras" and rolled off for more chips.

"There is something deeply wrong with that bitch," LaToya said shaking her head. "Go to talk to him. If he dumps you, you get out of this clean. If he wants to do that sappy first look thing some people do at weddings, just dump him. You don't love him and I don't think he loves you. When I see him look at you, I don't see love. Shit, he doesn't even look at you with lust."

Nia knew LaToya was right. Nia and Earl didn't love each other and this farce had to end. She remembered LaToya and Dillon's courthouse wedding where they both cried. LaToya rarely cried. Mufasa dying in The Lion King didn't even make her teary eyed, but those tears fell as she pledged her love and devotion to the love of her life. Nia wanted a kind of love like that with a man who adored her and was passionate about her. She didn't need to settle for a man who got her a Starbucks gift card for her birthday when she didn't even drink coffee.

"You're right, Toya. I have to end this. Now let's go before Mom sees us and lays out a guilt trip about embarrassing her in her church and in front of white people," Nia said walking as fast as one could in a bridal gown. "She's going to be so disappointed."

"Well, I want to be able to go see Beyoncé in concert without having to look at her ugly ass husband, but that isn't happening, so life is full of disappointments," LaToya retorted.

They reached the room Earl was getting ready in and heard a moan. Nia opened the unlocked door to reveal Earl with his pants around his ankles pressed against the wall. More concerning was Nia's redhead friend from high school and bridesmaid Stacy on her knees with her face buried in Earl's ass.

Part of Nia was relieved Earl was cheating. This would make breaking up with him easier. The other part was very angry. Any semblance of calm, people pleasing Nia was going out the window.

"You wouldn't let me suck your dick, but you'll let this ginger bitch eat your ass in church," Nia exploded.

A startled Stacy stopped tonguing Earl's asshole and turned to face Nia and LaToya. "Oh, shit."

"'Oh, shit' is right, you dirty ass licking bitch," Nia fumed. Normally Nia wouldn't be one to kink shame, but this was one instance where shame for those involved was appropriate. She stared at Earl as he looked like a deer in headlines at her. "And you, what kind of sociopath does this before his wedding?"

LaToya looked ready to walk in there and throw hands at both Stacy and Earl, but her husband Dillon walking up to them in the hallway stopped her. Dillon was six foot, dark hair and filled out his suit nicely. "What the fuck is going on here?" He noticed Earl pulling up his pants and Stacy wiping her mouth and standing up.

"Babe, you missed Stacy here taste testing Earl's ass. I've never quite heard of that wedding tradition. Maybe it is a white person thing, but you didn't insist on that after wedding. Oh, well there's always your birthday," LaToya joked to defuse the situation. It was one thing for her to want to smack Earl and Stacy around, but it wouldn't be good for Dillon's corporate attorney career if he got arrested for putting skinny 5'8" Earl in the hospital. "You should escort ginger slut out of here and then get my Mom. Don't bend over in front of Stacy though. The temptation could be too much for her!"

"Are you okay, Nia?" Dillon asked after nodding in acquiescence at LaToya. Dillon had only known Nia for three years, but he was like a big brother to her.

"I will be. Now get her out of here. You too, Toya." Nia ordered. "I need to talk to Earl alone."

LaToya looked like she wanted to protest that, but instead walked in, muttered "Dollar Store Jesse Williams" at Earl and grabbed Stacy's arm and started dragging her out of the room.

"I'm so sorry, Nia," Stacy said with tears in her eyes as she past her in the doorway.

"And I'm not even a little bit sorry you are about to get pink eye. Enjoy it, bitch," Nia sneered.

As LaToya and Dillon practically perp walked Stacy down the hallway, Nia entered the room and shut the door. "How many times?"

Earl was staring at his shoes. "What does it matter? Nothing I say will make you feel better. It is what it is."

"It is what it is? That has to go in the cheater's hall of fame as worst statements to make. I don't even get a 'I'm sorry, baby. I slipped!' You don't even care enough to make weak excuses. Why did you propose to me? It certainly wasn't love. Did you take one look at me and think 'Oh, she'll do. She's so nice that she probably won't mind if I have one of her friends check my prostate with her tongue! She'll lay out a cheese plate and Capri Suns and ask Stacy if she wants a breath mint!' Well, you thought wrong!"

Earl looked up from his shoes and looked like a pathetic little boy. "My Mom told me I should marry you. That she wanted grandsons that were a little darker than me. That you'd be acceptable. I didn't want you at all. I'm only into white women. Black women are stress. Just nagging leeches. Like that bed wench of a sister of yours!"

Nia was 5'6" to Earl's 5'8", so she didn't have to reach up to slap the shit out of him. It was one thing to cheat on her, but it was another thing to insult her sister. "Nigga, you keep my sister's name of your mouth." Usually Nia would never use the N word, but the combination of insulting her sister and the hypocrisy of getting rimmed by a white woman, yet judging LaToya for marrying a white man drove her over the edge.

"Ow! Bitch, have you lost your damn mind?!" Earl yelped and stepped back.

"You deserved that," Nia said unapologetically. Normally Nia would apologize for someone bumping into her like it was her fault. It was freeing to smack this asshole. "Now, did you ask Edwina to get me to this room so I could walk in on the ass feast and call off the wedding?"

"What? I didn't ask Edwina to do shit! My Mom is going to kill me for screwing this up. She had her heart set on you."

They were interrupted when the door opened revealing Nia's mother Donna and Earl's mother Carol. Donna, a 50-something nurse, was wearing her maroon mother of the bride gown with her best dark lace front wig. Carol, a pushing 60 year old white housewife, was wearing a pearl colored dress with her hair dyed auburn red. Neither woman looked happy.

"Nia, what is this I hear about you canceling your wedding? That can't be true. You can't embarrass me in front of all my friends, the pastor and the white people. I won't be made a laughed at or worse pitied because your pride won't let you forgive a good man. People make mistakes, Nia. Your father, God rest his soul, stepped out on me with some fast ass tramp from Springfield and I forgave him. You are supposed to be his peace. If you had been doing your best to please him, he wouldn't have had to turn to another," Donna accused.

Nia's jaw dropped. "You are blaming me for him having his booty ate in church? This is incredible. But just so you know, I was going to dump him before I even opened the door. The rim job just makes me feel less guilty about the jilting. We're done, Earl. I hope you and your white girls have the life you deserve and plenty of mouthwash," Nia said waving goodbye to Earl.

"Wait! Beyoncé forgave that homely rapper for his dalliance with some girl named Becky. Surely, you can find it in your heart to forgive Earl for his deviant behavior," Carol implored. "Think of the beautiful children you could have."

"If you want your grandchild to have a darker hue than your two biracial kids, maybe find a dark-skinned man to work up the nerve to nut in Edwina's pussy. I mean, he'll probably have to fight off a witch, a dragon and a goblin inside there, but maybe if you pay him enough he'll manage to get hard enough to fuck her while she stares blankly. Godspeed, bitches!"

With that, Nia pushed the two stunned women out of the way and went back to the room that had her purse to find LaToya waiting for her and greeted her with a hug.

"Are you okay?" LaToya asked pulling back from the hug. "I have Dillon announcing there isn't going to be a wedding to the guests. I called the hotel and are having them donate the food from the reception to a homeless shelter. The hobos are going to be eating well tonight!"

"I'm doing great. I am free and I dodged a bullet! Now help me out of this fucking dress."

Once Nia was out of the dress and back in her jeans and tank top, she handed the dress to LaToya and told her to sell it online or burn it, her choice. She grabbed her purse and begged off LaToya wanting to go with her and exited the church from the back.

Nia drove around aimlessly for a bit as "Good As Hell" by Lizzo played Nia's Spotify playlist. She turned off her phone at a red light because her mother and various relatives were blowing it up with calls and texts she ignored. She spotted a sports bar called Deflated Balls that she had never been in before. Since she had no longer had to worry about fitting in a wedding dress, she figured now would be a good time for a burger. She parked, went in and the barely out of high school hostess led her to a table. Nia was grateful the girl was fully clothed and not parading around in booty shirts.

After she ordered her bacon cheeseburger (take that arteries), fries and a Diet Coke, Nia looked around at the tacky sports themed establishment. There weren't that many people there, but it was only three-ish in the afternoon and it was summer, so no football. She noticed a tall man signing his check and getting up to leave. She knew him instantly considering he signed her own check. Well, not really signed. Nia was a direct deposit girl. She wasn't messing around with a check. It was her boss Matt. She was used to seeing him in suits, so she was a bit surprised to see him in a plain white t-shirt and jeans. She let her eyes linger on his bubble butt for a second as he turned to give the check to the waitress.

As Matt turned to walk out, he spotted Nia and gave her a puzzled look at as walked over to her. "Aren't you supposed to be getting married right now, Nia? I don't think Deflated Balls does wedding receptions, but you could start a trend. Maybe do a jalapeno popper toss instead of the bouquet. The music choices would leave something to be desired unless you really like Bon Jovi."

"I caught Earl getting his ass eaten by one of my bridesmaids. Now, boss man, would you like to join me? I know you just ate, but you're a big guy and I'll let you have exactly three of my fries," Nia said nonchalantly.

Matt blinked for a second and then sat down across from Nia. "Jesus finger blasting Christ. I'm sorry for being so flippant. Are you okay? Did this happen before or after the wedding? If it is the latter, I'm willing to represent you in the divorce pro bono. That fucker will be living in a cardboard box after I'm done with him."

Nia smiled and got a tingle at Matt's defense of her. It shouldn't turn her on that her boss was threatening to sue Earl into homelessness, but it did.

"Nope. It happened before we could exchange vows or sign the wedding license. I lucked out. Though I was going to dump him anyway." They were interrupted for a second when the waitress came with Nia's Diet Coke. "I figured out I didn't love him and he didn't love me. Toya gave me a figurative kick in the ass to stop the clusterfuck before it was too late."

"Why agree to marrying him in the first place then? I know I never met him, but I've seen him doing the weather on channel seven and he's a dweeb. He once wear a green shirt in front of the green screen, so he was just a floating head and hands." Matt stopped to stare at Nia drinking her Diet Coke through the straw. The sight of those full lips wrapped around that phallic object was giving not so little Matt some ideas, so he mentally chastised himself with a quick sexual harassment lecture and discreetly adjusted himself under the table.

"I know. I knew when he proposed in the middle of Chili's that I should have said no, but there were people staring and then I thought about what my mother would say. I've always had a hard time telling people no. In school, I would let people copy off my homework. That's how I met Stacy, the ass licking slut."

The waitress came at that exact moment with Nia's food. She shot Nia a "What the fuck?" look as she sat the plate. "Um, enjoy your meal, miss." And then she speed walked away.

Nia and Matt cracked up. "That poor girl. I'm going to have leave a bigger than average tip for that," Nia said when she stopped laughing. She picked up the burger and took a big bite. She moaned at the taste of something that wasn't salad or under-seasoned chicken that Carol had served at the rehearsal dinner.

The sight of Nia moaning in delight at her meal wasn't exactly helping Matt's boner, so he started thinking about unsexy things like his grandma, pimple popping videos, that time Dillon won the fantasy football league, Paul Giamatti and low fat peanut butter. It wasn't working. He was still uncomfortably hard.

Nia finished most of her burger and looked up to see Matt staring at her with an expression that she could have sworn was lust, but that couldn't be right. Though it did give her some ideas of her own. "I have to visit the ladies room real quick. You can have three fries, boss man. Be right back." Nia grabbed her purse and strutted away.