This Will Hurt

"Yeah, but I didn't want to move while you slept."

She would have rather woken up and been warm than be like she was now, but she nodded. "Tell me what to do, then," she said moodily as she struggled to her feet.

Only his eyes followed her shaky movements, and he said: "Find some more grass or small sticks, both if you can."

"But I can't see that far," she said, staring off into the blackness.

"Give it a few seconds and your eyes will adjust. Just be careful. Move slowly. When you put those against the coals and blow on them softly, the fire will come back. Then you can pile on the other sticks I got last night." He groaned as he slid closer to the fire. "I'm stealing your warm spot," he tried to make light of his pain.

Aan found he was right, and in a minute she could make out some of the grass that grew up through the gravel bed. Wary of an encounter with the dingo and its friends, she stayed as close as she could to their pitiful camp though she found no sticks. Dee had been thorough in gathering them last night, so she had to settle for handfuls of grass.

"Will this do?" she asked as she showed them to him, and he nodded.

"But put some of the smaller wood under the grass or they may all burn up before the wood has caught fire."

They did not have to worry, however, and before long the fresh coals and dry wood created the blessed warmth they needed.

Dee sighed in minor relief as he stopped shivering. "Thanks, Aan. Sorry I'm not more help, but lack of sleep apparently affects my pain tolerance as well as my energy level."

She said nothing, but she forced a smile as she settled down next to where he lay. No matter how tired she was, her anxieties kept her from sleeping, so she lay listening to the crackle of the fire, the murmur of the river, and the shallow breathing of Dee's uneasy rest.

Long hours dragged by, and the sky lightened in slow, imperceptible steps until Aan could make out the far riverbank. The clouds were thick, giving no ray of hope that they would see a morning sun, but she struggled to her feet, tired of waiting. Searching the water as well as the tree line for food, Aan quickly got discouraged and went to wake Dee.

"Think we can find food while our fire is still hot?" she asked as he blinked the sleep out of his eyes.

"We can–-" Dee broke off with a gasp of pain as he tried to sit up. He slowly lowered himself back to the ground and stared at the sky for a long moment. Aan watched him anxiously, but said nothing. "That was an incredibly painful reminder not to use my left side," he mumbled to the clouds.

After a while he turned to look at her. "Sorry. At least it only hurts when I move it. Can you gather another pile of wood for the fire while I try to work out some of this soreness?"

Aan got up without a word, not trusting herself to express her impatience. Bundled into one complex emotion was irritation, worry, fear, and helplessness–they were wasting time. She could not fend for herself out here and she needed him, but she needed him as he was before the injury. The gloomy morning seemed to heighten her anxieties. She tried hard to keep from breaking down, busying herself with the search for dry wood.

A fat raindrop landed on her hand, startling her enough that she lost her grip on the sticks she had found. Another dropped on her head as she bent to recover the wood. Aan cussed their luck and hurried back to camp, watching the wall of rain come at her.

"Over here," Dee called from his hiding spot. A boulder leaned over enough to give them a very slim cover from the rain. "Sit sideways like this," he showed her as she dropped the wood and sat touching the rock. "We can hope it blows through quickly."

But the weather had other plans. When the downpour showed no signs of abating, Aan sighed again, shivering from the moist chill of the day.

"Well, the weather knew we needed the rest and the break from this brutal sun," Dee said, forcing a grin. "We can save energy and I can convince my shoulder to stop hurting." The grin was met with a scowl.

"We're starving, lost, and you think it a good thing?"

"Of course not," Dee snapped back, "but a better attitude helps."

"Helps our stomachs? Helps us get home?"

Dee bit his tongue and took deep breaths for a few seconds. "You're right; let's sit around, be miserable, and make matters worse." Before she could respond, he shifted, turning so that his back was to her. She may have apologized, but the sight of his back only made her fume.

They fought the hunger pains, the cold, and the brooding silence throughout the day. The rain would ease for several minutes and then intensify again, just as they were hoping for a break. Oddly, sitting against the cold rock all day only made them more exhausted, and now they were more emotionally drained from the effort to remain civil.

Dee tried to nap against the rock, but it pressed against his injured shoulder if he relaxed, and he'd be damned if he would face her before she apologized. He could feel resentment between them now, and though he knew how counterproductive it was, he could do nothing for it but remain silent. He had never felt such a bizarre mixture of tired and restless before. He longed to make progress down the river, or sleep, but he could do neither, and a day spent waiting is the longest of all.

The idle time took them beyond miserable, and as the light subtly dimmed, the temperature dropped even more.

"This is silly..." Aan started before she realized that would get her nowhere, so she took a breath and began again. "Lets..." Another deep breath. "I'm sorry." Her voice was soft and subdued, and Dee finally turned to face her. Her head was down and Dee could see her breathing was shaky.

"I guess...it's ok," he offered, though he had little energy left to remain positive. When she looked up, he could still see irritation strong on her face, along with her misery and anxiety.

"Can we make a fire? I'm getting unbearably cold."

"'Fraid not," Dee frowned at the wet sticks four feet away from them, in the steady rain. "All the wood we could find would be too wet. This rain is relentless." They were silent for a minute. "The only heat we are going to get is from each other."

Aan's eyes widened in a mixture of revulsion and a hint of realized fear.

"Look," Dee explained, "we're the only ones generating any heat around here, and it's getting sucked from our bodies by this wet cold." He sighed at her reaction.

"Maybe...we can sit with our backs touching."

Dee wasn't going to argue how ineffective that was, so he shrugged gingerly. "Might help. Trade with me so I can lean my good shoulder against the rock." He quickly went around her as she shifted forward. Even the two seconds of rain made him feel colder, but he settled down and leaned back against her as best he could. He found he could not relax because of their weight difference; he'd push her over.

It brought him no comfort that he was right. After an hour of shivering and feeling her shiver at his back, he cleared his throat and spoke into the darkening gray. "It's clearly night now. We need to lay down and try to sleep, I guess."

When she did not answer, he went on as neutrally as he could. "You look like you weight about one hundred pounds. I think the warmest way we can conserve heat is to stack, but I'd be too heavy for you." Dee chuckled in an attempt to draw her out. "You might be warm, but unable to breathe. Umm, let's try you lying on me; you will trap some body heat that way." There was nothing but silence. "Okay? Survival, remember?"

He felt her shift away to stand up, and he released the breath he was holding. "Turn sideways so I can get past you without getting too wet. Please." She turned so he could lie down on the rocky ground. If his head was near the rain, only his feet got wet. "It could be worse," he murmured to himself, and Aan hesitated while crouched over him under the scant rock cover.

After another long moment, she tentatively settled onto him like a too-small blanket, yet he felt the difference immediately. Everywhere she touched felt marginally warmer, and he could feel the effects of her sunburn. She trembled and shifted on him, tucking in her arms and pressing her face into his chest. Her body produced a surprising amount of heat in an effort to offset the wet cold.

Dee stayed as relaxed as he could manage as he coped with the weight on him. Aan began to relax in small stages as he held still, feeling the heat from arms and chest.

Then she settled completely onto him.

He felt the wonderful heat now pressed against his crotch, and he felt himself stir. Oh shit, he thought; he focused on the falling rain, then on the texture of the rock. But his body was warming fast, and he could only feel the heat coming from her. She shook less and squirmed more as she began to feel warm at long last. Hard points moved around his stomach, feminine skin brushed his, heavy hair moved across his neck.

He imagined plunging into that heat, diving into the balmy warmth of her body, and her musky smell became potently feminine. A voice told him that they'd be warm almost instantly if they were closer. Blood throbbed into his manhood, and Aan went still. He continued throbbing against her unmoving body as he grew. He felt her raise her head to look at him, but he refused to meet her eyes, struggling to maintain an air of nonchalance.

"You bastard." She didn't move from the coveted heat, but there was venom in her voice.

After a strained pause, Dee spoke into the rain: "I...I can't help it, I'm sorry. This is embarrassing." He struggled with his intense mortification, searching for any placating words. "I'm finally getting warm, I guess. I'm so sorry."

"You are getting warm, and you think about sex." The scorn was thick.

"No!" he shouted into her face, making her get up. "I...can't help it. Can you not leave me be with my...my struggles? You know what–-go find your own fucking rock to crawl under and freeze to death!" He pushed her out into the rain where she stumbled and fell back. "You fucking bitch!"

The rain soaked her as she sat there staring at him with barely contained hate. How could he betray their fragile trust? Were all men perverts and rapists? Except for her Zeng, of course. The thought made her wish for him with an ache that was unbearable. Even as she began to shake again, she could not stop the raw sobs that rippled through her entire body.

"Don't do that shit!" Dee snapped, only warmed by his anger now. "Go find some other place to cry so I can try and get some sleep. You will be lucky if I don't leave your ass here."

Aan made no move to stand or leave, so Dee leaned back against the rock, not trusting her enough to close his eyes. Needing to do something with his hands, he took out the rock he had been carrying around, turning it over in his hands. Eventually, he began to use a rock anvil to experiment with the sharp edge. It was better to have a cutting tool and not need it than to need one and not have it.

They were so lost in their desolation that they did not notice the rain slackening until it had nearly stopped.

"I see stars," Dee spoke softly into the relative silence. His voice was flat with fatigue. Aan wiped her face and followed his gaze to the clearing sky. "It will get really cold now. If I get enough moonlight, I am going to follow the river. Better than freezing–-shoulda done that from the start."

Aan nodded but said nothing, simply watching him. When the clouds cleared away from the moon, Dee got up and began picking his way slowly down to the riverbank. He was done with her; he said nothing, nor did he look her way as he left.

She clung to herself for more than the warmth that would not come. She struggled to hang onto her sanity, her very reason for living. It would be so easy to wade into the water and end it. The air may not be cold enough to end it peacefully, but she knew frigid water was more deadly.

Watching Dee's retreating blackness, she was struck with the fear that if she lost sight of him, it would be over for her. She was not willing to die, as much as she hated life right now. Instead, she settled for hating herself even more as she struggled to her feet and followed him.

"He was right," she mumbled bitterly in her native tongue, as the walk warmed her and made the sky lighten quicker. "But it was originally my idea." She caught him looking back once, but he never slowed. This made her scowl and gave her energy to stumble onward as they crept along the uneven shoreline, as alone as two humans can be.

The sun brought warmth, and Aan would have wept again had the sunburn and exhaustion not kept her from it. She could barely feel her aching muscles over the pit in her stomach that dominated her every breath. She wanted her old life back; she wanted the joy of hearing her daughter's laughter. Yet through her pain, she could not even remember what that sounded like.

She collapsed onto a large rock to rest, not sure if she could get up again. And in a moment of clarity, she knew she desperately needed Dee to survive, even if they were a day from rescue. For her own survival, she must do whatever it takes to get Dee back, to get him to pity her, to drag her to freedom. Later there will be time to curse his soul, she told herself. But for now, it's up to me.

She began to call to him, to beg him, yet she knew he was too far ahead to ever hear her over the ambient river noise. My only chance is beyond me. Just then she saw him stumble and sit heavily against his own rock. This was her chance to gain on him, and the thought gave her determination. She focused on his sitting profile as she made her way along the river's edge, slowly gaining with each step.

"This is more than I can bear." Her eyes pleaded with him, large globes of fear and resignation. She slowly stepped closer. "We cannot survive this alone."

Dee continued to lie against the bare rock and watch her, waiting.

"Please, don't leave me again."

"How can I trust you?" His voice was soft and tired.

She drew a deep breath and chose her words carefully, knowing somehow her fate clung to them. "I never dreamed that hunger could hurt this bad, that we could die so close to rescue, but I feel it to the core. We will die without each other, and for that chance, I am willing..." She almost stumbled to a halt, but she forced herself to settle on the rock beside him. "...to do anything. Anything to survive to see my little girl again."

He considered for a long time before nodding. "Okay, then. Let's sleep while the sun warms us, and this rock blocks the wind and the direct sun."

"Thank you," she said, with sudden feeling, meaning every ounce of gratitude.

For the first time in ages, they fell into a comfortable silence as the warm sun aided their drowsiness. Each drifted into a light sleep, shoulder to shoulder against the warming rock.

---

A small shift brought Aan's head down onto Dee's shoulder, and the hunger coupled with that movement woke them. Parched, they slowly rose and drank as much water from the river as they could stomach. They eyed each other warily, and Dee cleared his throat.

"I guess we should try to make more progress." There was little conviction in his voice, and Aan felt her stomach trying to rebel.

"We need food," she whined. "There has to be food here somewhere."

Dee sighed. "There isn't much we can eat on the river. We have nothing to catch fish and the grass and leaves will just make us puke. Or worse."

"Then we should leave the river." Aan continued over his warning look. "There has to be something we can find, then we can come right back."

"This river is our lifeline–-our only chance to make it back. And it's nuts that we have not encountered anyone yet."

"Please," she begged, "just a quick look. Food will give the strength we need to get home."

Dee growled in reluctance, but nodded finally. She led them into the thin trees that grew as close as the rocky soil would allow. Deeper they went, picking the path of least resistance through the dense underbrush.

Aan stopped to rest, sighing as she looked around at the vegetation. She realized her strength ebbed noticeably quicker now as hunger claimed the stamina she normally would have.

"We don't even have the ability to boil water," she thought aloud.

"And this differs from the river how?"

"Shut up! I had to try–-"

Dee cocked his head and held up his hand for silence. "Hear that?" Just as Aan was about to shake her head, she heard it too. The sound of rotors.

"Shit!" Dee was off, racing back toward the river. Cradling his arm and fighting for balance, he picked his way through the trees and rocks as fast as he could. Aan followed closely until she lost her footing, twisting her ankle and scraping her hands.

Biting back her tears, she whimpered and pushed herself to her feet with pure determination. Aan limped as fast as she could, favoring her right ankle. She broke into the clearing to see Dee bent over, cradling his injured shoulder and cussing in a steady stream.

Her hope faded with the sound, and soon they were left alone with the sounds of the river and Dee's angry tirade.

"Will they be back?" The question was out before she could take it back, but at least he stopped and looked at her. His face was full of frustration.

"Why should they? We left no goddamn sign we were here when we went wandering off, and that rain probably cleaned the remains of our small fires."

"You don't have to be an ass about it." That was the wrong thing to say.

Suddenly he was in her face. "I will remind you whose idea it was to wander away from the river, our trail to life." She took an involuntary step back on her injured ankle and fell onto her back.

"We need food," she spat back at him as he loomed over her. "You not been so helpful lately."

Dee's stomach demanded satisfaction, and he knew he was weak from hunger; probably would only get worse until he could not walk. He envisioned lying on the ground, slowly freezing and starving with no energy to make it home.

"What?" she demanded as he looked at her. "Have you thought up ways to feed us?" She gave him a focus for his anger and a solution to his problem.

"Yep, you fucking bitch. I have found food, but you ain't gonna like it." He leered and squatted over her. Dee's hesitation was a mistake as Aan swung her arm around with all of her remaining strength. Her cry of pain was nearly muted by the ringing blow against his head. In the second he took to recover, she scrambled up and away from him, stumbling in her weakness and fright.

His ear throbbed with the heartbeat that pounded into his brain, beating down the last barriers of civilization. The conscientious Dee was gone; now he was the hunter, with all the confidence that comes from knowing the prey would soon be his.

He bounced up from the rocky ground, adrenaline giving him the strength his muscles lacked. In a few seconds, he caught up to Aan and pushed her to the ground. She fell with a groan and a clatter of loose rocks, but she nimbly rolled to her side. He was on her before she could scramble up, and he knocked her face painfully into the rough ground. She screamed in fear as she felt his weight pushing down onto her back and his hands grabbing her hair. Sharp rocks ground into her face and muffled her gasping sobs.

When confronted with the very essence of her worst nightmares, she went limp under his harsh treatment and began to whimper.

"Please, Dee," she sobbed as he rolled her over and pressed a knee into her thighs, but there was no mercy in those eyes. Before she could plead any further, he yanked her shirt, bra and arms above her head, and held them in one large hand with an uncanny strength. Blinded by the filthy shirt, she encountered new depths of a horror too enormous to grasp. She wailed and tensed to struggle again.