Threading the Needle Ch. 11

Thank you Terry, careythomas and snow for all your help in editing and improving this chapter. I couldn't have done it without you.

Like almost all of my series, this one will only be understood if you have read the chapters before it. Thank you to my readers for going along this journey with me.

Chapter 11

As Winnie got ready for work, she kept thinking back to the weekend. It was so much better than she expected. "Too bad it's over," she thought. Guiding on Saturday was fantastic. With the highest river levels on the Methow this year, it was fast and the waves were big. Her crew was strong and well-coordinated, making it easy to hit each rapid just right. The weather was just as good.

On Sunday, she didn't have a boat to guide because the float was significantly smaller. It was the tradeoff for being on the Methow with Logan. Weston gave her the option of driving back to the Wenatchee and guiding, but she chose to spend the night and then raft the next day with Logan as his guest. While rafting with him was fun, it bothered her a little bit when he just expected her to shuttle his car down to the takeout. He assumed that she would do it, like the other girlfriends and significant others who were affectionately if somewhat derisively referred to as shuttle bunnies.

Still, by the time they were on the river, she had forgotten that. The run was almost as nice as the day before. The waves were big and Logan showed off his strength as he guided the boat down. She was a little disappointed in that he didn't pay much attention to her, although it was a working trip for him. She knew that by paying attention to the customers, he was only doing what was expected.

No matter how unreasonable it was, days later, that feeling still hadn't left her. They slept together for the second time the night before, and it seemed odd that it didn't carry over into the next day. As she thought back, it felt like just a normal day on the river for him.

"The sex was nice," she thought. They went into his tent early in the evening and making out led to fondling. Logan was pretty good at it too. He managed to get her fairly excited so that when he wanted to go further, she did too. He was a considerate lover and took his time so that she came before he did. They cuddled afterwards and eventually started touching again, leading to a second go around before falling asleep holding each other. "It was nice," she thought again.

She stared at the blouse she held in front of her without really seeing it. "Nice. Why do I keep using that word?" she whispered, even though she already knew the answer. "I was excited because he knows how to touch a woman, but not like with Indigo or Lena. Just being with them was enough to turn me on," she thought as she let out a long sigh. "Fuck."

"What's wrong with me?" she said. "Logan's a good guy. My dad might not like him, but mom would," she thought. It would be much easier to just do what was expected and live a normal life. "Somebody like Logan can make me happy, I think."

The future facing her was scary. Having gotten to know the lesbians in the whitewater group, she saw that they were all happy with their lives to one degree or another. If they weren't, it wasn't because of their sexual preference. At the same time, she knew they were all from places far less conservative than Oklahoma. As far as she knew, their families all supported, or at least accepted, them when they came out. None of them was disowned.

"They don't have my parents," she thought. The church they attended was one that preached a hardline on homosexuality, even though her parents weren't that active in it. She always shied away from talking about it at home, for fear of hearing what she dreaded. Not knowing was better than being certain that her parents would reject her if they knew what was in her heart. She honestly didn't know how they would react, so she kept that so deeply hidden back home that most of the time, she wasn't even aware of it.

Even now, she avoided it. "I'm not lesbian," she told herself once again. "I like men too. I think I'm just bi. That might not any better for them, I know, but as long as I live straight..." It was easier now that she was dating someone. She could focus on him, and not herself. It also distracted her from thinking about other women.

"I wonder how Marika's weekend was," she thought, not even noticing how her mind jumped to think about the older woman. "I hope she is feeling better." It was obvious that something was bothering her, but Winnie couldn't figure out if it was something more than Yamile. "I hope she knows I'd do anything I can to help her," she thought. "She's done so much for me."

Sighing, she put on her blouse and started buttoning it up. Tucking it into her skirt, she went into the bathroom to put on her makeup. Marika was still on her mind, and again Winnie was unaware that she spent more time than usual in getting her makeup just right. When she finished, she looked at the clock. "Oh damn, where did the time go?" She rushed out to grab her things and head to work.

Unfortunately, there was too much to do for Winnie to stop by Marika's office for most of the morning. She finally managed to stick her head in about 11:30.

"Hey there, stranger," she said with a smile. Marika looked up and returned the smile, but Winnie noted that it didn't seem to touch her eyes. The cloud of gloom still hung over her.

"Hi. How was the weekend? Did you have fun with Logan?" she asked. As they got closer, she kept own feelings about Logan carefully hidden. There was something that reminded her of Samuel back when they first started dating. Beyond that, Marika was honest enough to admit that she also was a little jealous of him. When Winnie blushed, she felt that envy flame even higher. "I see," Marika said, "so, you had a very good time!" She forced a chuckle.

Winnie blushed even deeper and nodded. "Yeah," she said. She found herself tongue tied and unable to say anything more about Logan. If it were anyone else, she would have wanted to share the details. With Marika, she felt shy about it and she knew it wasn't because they worked together. To cover it up, she asked, "What about yours? Did you have fun even though Samuel was gone?"

Teasing had restored a little bit of life in Marika's eyes, but that faded away now, replaced by pain. Winnie moved over to sit in front of her desk. "Rikki, what's wrong? You're miserable and I want to help. Rikki, I need to help," she said.

Using her nickname from rafting finally breached the wall. Winnie never called her that at work. It reminded her of the depth of friendship between them. It was far deeper than it ever would be just as coworkers. Marika felt the warmth of her concern and couldn't stop the tears that slowly began to trickle down her face. Winnie reached out and took her hand with both of her own. After a moment, Marika bent her head to hold it against their joined hands. She did her best to strangle the sobs that were threatening to burst out of her. Her head moved back and forth slightly, rhythmically bumping against them.

Unaware of anything else, Winnie focused on her friend. Freeing one hand, she stroked her head but said nothing. "When she is ready to talk, she will," she thought.

One of their coworkers walked by and saw what was happening. She quietly closed the door to the office. "Thank goodness someone got her to open up," she thought. Everyone at work sensed that something was wrong with Marika, but she wasn't the type who asked for help. She hoped that Winnie could do something for her.

"I'm getting a divorce," Marika said at last. "Samuel is cheating on me." Lifting her head, she looked at Winnie. The pain in her eyes was raw and ripped into Winnie's heart. "I knew it wasn't a great marriage, but I didn't believe he'd cheat." She let out a big sigh. "Liz did. She warned me from almost the beginning."

Squeezing her hand, Winnie nodded. "Well, she cares about you. Your best friend should look out for you." She couldn't help wondering if Liz also saw a bit of herself in Samuel. Her bed hopping certainly diminished some of Winnie's respect for her. "No, that's not it," she thought. "It's how she doesn't seem to notice when she hurts someone." She could hardly talk about playing around, having let Indigo make her cum and then flirted with her and Alex, not to mention kissing Lena and sleeping with Logan. "But I'm not leading anyone on," she told herself.

Marika started to tell the tale of how she found out. Winnie knew all about Yamile, even though they hadn't met. During the drives to and forth the rivers, the two of them shared a lot about their lives. Nothing she had heard about Samuel made her predisposed to like him. Now as Marika spoke, he quickly became the devil himself in Winnie's eyes.

"At least you found out now, Rikki," she said. "You are a talented, lovely, and warm person. He doesn't deserve you and you deserve so much more."

The misery in Marika's eyes didn't lessen but a flame of anger joined it. "Yes I do." She pulled a hand gently away from Winnie's grip and wiped at her eyes. "I can't stand pretending everything is just fine. He gets home tomorrow and I'm not ready to let him know." She looked out the window. "Plus, once I get what I want, then I'm a single mother. It's going to make life a lot harder." She looked back. "I know. It's pathetic, that even a part of me wants to hold onto him for convenience."

Still holding her other hand, Winnie gave it another gentle squeeze. "No it's not. Raising Kieran by yourself wasn't what you signed up for. This would scare anyone, but you aren't alone. I bet Yamile will be a big help, and there isn't anything that Liz wouldn't do for you," she said. "And you've got me," she said more softly. "I'll help you any way I can."

Marika looked at the younger woman and gave her a little smile. "Thanks Winnie," she said. The raw emotion was evident in her voice but her sincerity came through. Having the support of her friends was the difference in keeping complete despair from overwhelming her. "I've got my sister too. I talked with her yesterday. She offered to move in with me. I think mostly she wants to get out of our parent's house, but still it will be good," she told Winnie.

From talking on the long drives to the rivers, Winnie knew about Marika's sister. She was quite a bit younger than Marika; in fact, Winnie thought they were almost the same age. A recent graduate from nursing school, she recently had to move back home to make ends meet. "That will be nice for you. She'll help with Kieran?" Winnie asked.

"Oh yeah. She loves him. And her shift at the hospital is three 12's in a row. So she works Monday through Wednesday and then is off for four days!" Marika replied.

A little bit of weight lifted from Winnie's chest. She knew that the only reason Marika was free to go rafting was that Samuel watched Kieran every other weekend. A selfish part of her had worried that when Marika no longer got that from him, she wouldn't be able to raft anymore. Winnie didn't want to lose that time with her. Immediately, Winnie felt a little guilty. Rafting was very important to her friend and her relief should have been for her. "Cool! You can keep rafting!" she said.

"Yeah. Tereza already told me that," Marika said. The smile on her lips was more genuine than at any other time during their conversation. "I didn't want to give that up," she said. "I guess all I seem to talk about is rafting, so she understood. She might even come along some weekends so Kieran can camp with us."

"That would be fun. I bet everyone will love him," Winnie said. As yet, she hadn't met Marika's young son, although she was familiar with him from talking with her and the pictures around her office. She looked over at the spot where a family portrait used to stand. A new picture of Kieran was there now. In fact, there were no more pictures of Samuel in her office. "Makes sense," she thought. "I wouldn't want to look at that cheating bastard either."

"Thanks, Winnie. You've cheered me up," Marika said. "I'm glad I told you. I don't like keeping things from you." She thought about how she was only the third friend she told, four if she counted her sister. They'd become close friends in a surprisingly quick time.

"You can tell me anything," Winnie said. "I'll always be here for you." It was clear just how serious she was in saying that.

"I know," Marika assured her. "But now, I've kept you away from your job for too long. I don't want to get you in trouble." She made a shooing gesture as she got up. She needed to go check her makeup after all that crying. She was wearing relatively little these days for just that reason, but it didn't hurt to be sure.

Rising at the same time, Winnie found herself face to face with Marika. At the end of a weekend, neither one of them thought twice of a hug goodbye. Here in the office, it was different. They tried to keep a more professional demeanor. This felt different. Without thinking too much about it, Winnie reached out and put her arms around her friend. As she hugged her, Marika resisted for an instant before giving into it. The comfort it offered was something she desperately needed. Their bodies came together, and Marika rested her head against her friend's shoulder. They stayed like that for a few moments before they both reluctantly separated.

As Marika lifted her head, her face came close to Winnie's and their eyes met. Winnie fought the urge to lean forward a little and kiss her. Not for the first time, she wondered what it would be like. "I wonder if she kisses better than Lena," she thought as she forced herself to step back. "God! That the last thing she needs right now," she sternly told herself. "Get a grip!"

For her part, Marika missed the soft touch of her friend's body. It didn't excite her today as it often did when they said goodbye at the end of a weekend. Instead, it left her with a warm feeling that reminded her that there were people who cared for her. She felt the threat of tears again. In focusing on halting them, she missed Winnie's tiny movement forward as she tamed her urge.

Breathing a sigh of relief as she let go, Winnie moved to the door. "Safe," she thought.

"Hey," Marika said, catching her before she could complete her escape. Winnie turned to look back at her. "I'm meeting Liz for a quick drink after work. Do you want to join us?"

While Liz occasionally flirted a little bit with her, it always seemed harmless. Although the way Liz treated Indigo and Lena bothered her some, she didn't really have a problem with Marika's best friend. "Sure, that sounds fun." She gave a little wave to her and headed back to her cubical. "If I'm going to get anywhere with Rikki, I'll need to get along with Liz," she thought. After a moment, she stopped dead in the middle of the hallway. "What the hell? Why did I think that?" she asked herself as she started walking again. The implications of her questions disturbed her enough that she struggled with putting them out of her mind. Throughout the day, they returned to haunt her. A twenty-minute phone call during lunch with Logan did nothing to help dispel them.

At the end of the day, Marika showed up at her cubical. The afternoon was a good one for her. To most of their coworkers, she seemed to have it all together today. Looking at her, Winnie still saw the brittle edges under her carefully erected façade. "I'm glad we are doing this. She needs some relaxing," she thought. Shutting off her computer, she was ready to go within a few moments.

"Where are we meeting Liz?" she asked.

"Oh, she's going to meet us at the bar around the corner. She's probably there already," Marika said as they started to leave. "She didn't have anything to do today, so it was easier for her to come here."

The bar was a common place for people from the office to go after work and Winnie was familiar with it although she wasn't a regular. Marika was right. Liz was there already, holding down a table for them. She gave her best friend a hug, while giving a friendly wave hello to Winnie. It was clear from the start that Liz knew that she was in on the secret.

"Have you heard anything more about the asshole?" she asked. Marika looked around quickly, wanting to make sure that there wasn't anyone else from work there. "Don't worry," Liz said. "No one knows what asshole I'm talking about. It could be Winnie's new squeeze for all they would know."

Something about the way she said it seemed to imply that it might be an appropriate appellation for Logan, and Winnie felt a spark of irritation. Not wanting to start something when Marika needed her support, she let it pass. "Besides," she thought, "I agree that Samuel is an asshole. How can he not see what he has?"

If there was some double meaning there, Marika missed it. "Just be quieter. Even when I tell people at work, they don't need to know the detail." She looked around once more before going on. "No, Yamile and I won't meet with her friend until next week. This week is all about the lawyer. I've got a couple of meetings with her."

Watching Liz more closely than Marika, Winnie noticed a momentary frown on her lips at the mention of Yamile. "What does she have against her?" she wondered. From everything she knew about Marika's widowed friend, she sounded very nice. She was also a huge pool of support for her. Even though she only learned of the situation today, Winnie wasn't sure what concrete things she could do to help, other than vague expressions of support. By connecting Marika with someone who could look into what Samuel was doing, Yamile hopefully would give her the ammunition she needed to force him into granting her a quick divorce without fighting her every step of the way. Although she was too young to have friends go through bitter divorces, she saw a few like that growing up. "I'm thankful someone can maybe help her avoid that pain," she thought.

As they talked, Winnie noticed something else. While Liz didn't completely ignore her, she didn't go out of her way to include her either. She often touched Marika on the arm, occasionally leaving her hand there. Having watched Liz more than once in a successful seduction on the river or in camp, she suddenly realized she was doing some of the same things. There was a steady stream of flattery and physical touches. If Liz showed some jealousy of Yamile earlier, Winnie now felt a twinge of her own. Only the complete lack of awareness or response by Marika kept it in check.

"I've been around them a bunch, but it's the first time Liz is like this with Marika," she thought. Still, as she watched, other pieces fell into place. "She definitely has a thing for her, and Marika doesn't even see it." It wasn't just that she didn't see it; she didn't react to Liz in that way. Thinking back to how she and Lena flirted with her when they were rafting a couple of weeks ago, Winnie knew that Marika wasn't blind to other women. "Just to Liz," she thought.

She felt a little sense of relief, and even the faint twinges of jealousy faded. In a true contest, Liz would have the advantage. Not only was she an expert at seducing women, she shared a long history with Marika that Winnie couldn't match. None of this appeared to matter. For whatever reason, Liz didn't connect that way with her. As this passed through her mind, Winnie felt her body respond slightly to the idea of romancing Marika. Once again, contradicting urges reared their heads. No matter how enticing the thought of being with Marika was, the fear of the impact on her family rose up as well. She slammed down the wall again, forcing herself to remember the things she liked about Logan.

When Marika finished her drink, she stood. "I'm sorry, but I've got to run. I need to pick up Kieran. I'll talk to you later," she said as she leaned down to brush her lips against Liz's cheek. Looking over at Winnie, she resisted the urge to do the same thing to her cute coworker. "I'll see you in the morning. Thanks for coming with me," she said. Her voice held a livelier note that was almost, but not quite, flirtatious.