Threading the Needle Ch. 13

Thank you Terry, careythomas and snow for all your help in editing and improving this chapter. I couldn't have done it without you.

Like almost all of my series, this one will only be understood if you have read the chapters before it. Thank you to my readers for going along this journey with me.

Chapter 13

Despite the bright and sunny morning, neither Rikki nor Liz could dismiss their dark moods. Driving on her way to meet with the lawyers, she wasn't looking forward to seeing Samuel. Since kicking him out, she had only talked with him a couple of times. The more time passed, the more her feeling of contempt for him grew. Just being free of him made things better, although the feeling of failure remained.

"Now I have to sit in a room with him and hear him try to justify himself," she thought. "God, why didn't I see who he was sooner?" She gripped the steering wheel tightly, while lifting her foot up a bit on the gas pedal. She always sped a little too much when she was angry.

Despite the depression that Liz felt since seeing Rikki with Yamile, she was still there to support her best friend. Part of her didn't know what else to do.

"As much as I want to say something, I don't know how to. Plus, she has so much shit to deal with right now! I don't want to add to it," she thought, looking out the window. Beyond that, she wasn't sure exactly what happened. Well, she thought she knew what happened, but not why. "Yamile's in a lot of pain too. Maybe it just was the two of them comforting each other when they needed it. It might not mean anything."

As much as she told herself that, it didn't seem to help. Seeing them like that crushed the vague hopes she had of getting together with Rikki since the breakup. Still, her coming along today was an attempt to keep those hopes alive. "I'll be here for her. It's all I can do, but she'll see I can take care of her."

After Rikki pulled into a parking space, she looked at Liz. "Liz, thanks for coming. Remember to kick me if I start getting too pissed off, okay?"

"You got it," she replied as they both got out of the car. In the lobby, they met Rikki's lawyer, and went up to where Samuel and his lawyer were waiting.

As they were ushered in, Rikki noticed that he was wearing a shirt and tie she gave him. It was always her favorite and she admitted he looked handsome in it. However, the old effect wasn't there anymore. Today it just pissed her off. "Does he think he can manipulate me?" was her angry thought. Her face remained expressionless.

"Before we get started, my client wants you to know that he does not want to proceed with the divorce. He hopes that you'll consider counseling and reconciliation," Samuel's lawyer said. He looked towards him.

"Marika, I admit I've screwed up. I disrespected you and our marriage. I did things that I shouldn't have, but does this have to be the end? I can change," he said. "I will change, I promise you. Think about our family. Kieran deserves both of us there raising him." He started to reach across for her hands, hesitated, and then pulled back. "Babe, I love you. Marika, can't you give me another chance?" he asked.

If he hoped for a softening of her heart, Samuel was disappointed. If anything, her face became colder.

"Samuel," she began, making his name sound more like a curse, "What I saw, I can't unsee! I did everything to make a good marriage and be a good wife. You threw that away. I could never trust you again, not in a thousand years. You don't love me. You don't know what love is, you ba...." She stopped, cutting herself off. After taking a deep breath, she continued. "No, there is no way. I want out and I want out as soon as possible."

When she finished, she felt herself shaking from the emotion. Liz reached out to take her hand, and she clutched at it, giving her a weak smile. The anger at Samuel flared so high that it almost frightened her. "Maybe some counseling would do me some good," she thought. "I don't want to have this much anger around Kieran."

"In that case, perhaps we should start," Samuel's lawyer said. Reaching into a folder, he pulled out a sheet and slid it forward. "This is our suggestion for a division of property.

Rikki couldn't help the little scoffing noise she made. The insincerity of Samuel's plea was clear. This was about money. It almost always was with him. Divorce would cost him money, and now that it was inevitable, he was ready to start haggling. It was what made him good at his job and he'd use it now.

"Fat lot of good it will do him," she thought. It might be a no-fault, community property state, but that didn't mean they couldn't contest things, especially about his fitness as a father. Her lawyer had all the information gathered by the private investigator. While the sex and drugs in the alleyway might be the most relevant, she was pretty sure that Samuel really didn't want the information about his affair with the woman from his customer revealed. That was the type of thing that could get him fired.

She almost chuckled at the thought of what the owner of his company would do if she found out. Rikki met her several times at company dinners. Isabel, as she insisted Rikki call her, had a reputation as being a bit of a hard-nose, although she no longer was directly managing the company. Truly serious things, like sleeping with a customer to get business, still were bumped up to her. "She'd probably spread the word and he'd have a hard time finding another job. Not that I want that," she thought. "I just want something fair." She looked at Samuel. He had his pouty face on, the one he always wore when he didn't get his way on something. It ruined the impression he had tried to make.

She squeezed Liz's hand. "Thank god I have her as a friend," she thought. "She's always there for me." A part of her wondered why Liz couldn't be as good a friend to the women who shared her bed. "She holds back, never committing. I wonder if she ever could." The thought triggered another. "Maybe I should talk to her about what happened with Yamile. She'd understand at least." But then she slightly shook her head to herself. "She'd just tease me, after all the years of me talking about my complete disinterest in women." It wasn't worth it. "Besides, I don't know if it meant anything. I haven't even talked to Yamile about it. Maybe after that," she told herself.

Her lawyer looked at her. They had already planned it out. "Marika, why don't you and Liz take off and I'll go over our proposal. I'm sure we can come to an agreement. I'll text you when we are done," she said. Opening up her briefcase, she pulled out a thick folder. As Rikki shut the door, she heard her lawyer speak with a slight note of triumph. "Perhaps your client hasn't acquainted you with the entire situation. Shall we?"

Letting go of a breath she didn't know she was holding, Rikki looked at Liz. The predatory look on her face made it clear that she was enjoying the idea of what Samuel was about to go through. "Not me," she thought. "It's just something that has to be done in order to be free."

They went downstairs and outside, heading towards a little restaurant they both liked. It was still early enough that the hostess seated them immediately. "Let's not talk about it, okay?" she told Liz. "And I'm tired of talking about me. Let's talk about you for a change."

Liz groaned. "Oh no, let's not. We can talk rafting," she said.

Shaking her head, Rikki took her hand. "No, what's up with you? Sunday, you were in a crappy mood all day. You bit off my head. You yelled at Bohdi. Bohdi, for God's sake! Something was bugging you."

Liz looked at her, debating whether to be honest. She wanted to, but honestly wasn't her strength. "Maybe a little honesty," she thought, as she squeezed Rikki's hand.

"I don't know. There are times I just wonder what I'm doing, you know, with Indigo. Actually, what the fuck is she doing with me? She's got Alex, you know. It doesn't make sense," Liz said. It might not have been what was bothering her the most, but it was still the truth.

"Oh," Rikki said. It was so unlike Liz to be reflective that it caught her off guard. "Don't worry about Indigo for the moment; what do you want?"

Liz squirmed. She rarely asked that question of herself. "What I want?" she thought. "That's the one thing I can't say." She was quiet as she thought about it. "I don't know. I just don't know," she finally said. "Sometimes, I wonder what it might be like to be with her for real, but then I push her away. I don't even know why."

"You always do. Sweetie, all the way back to high school," Rikki said. It was true. Every time someone good really fell for her, Liz managed to fuck it up, usually by cheating, although it was hard to call it cheating when she never actually committed to most of them. Some just drifted away. A few ended with major blowups.

"You remember that night with Sharon?" Rikki said with a smile.

"Damn, how could I forget it," Liz said with smile. Now, years later, she could smile.

Rikki laughed. "Most memorable birthday party ever. Her grabbing your cake and shoving it into your face when she found you kissing that Japanese girl. And then screaming 'you're a bitch' over and over again."

"Yeah, and then she scratched me on the cheek when she slapped me," Liz said.

"And she didn't stop screaming. You're standing there with blood dripping down your cheek, covered in cake, and she is still screaming," Rikki said. "Wendy dragged her outside, and she was still calling you a bitch. And that you broke her heart."

Liz was quiet, lifting her hand up and touching the spot where she was scratched that night. "I did, you know. Fuck, the only girl I said I love you to, and I knew it was a lie when I said it," she said.

"Why did you then?" Rikki asked. She knew Liz had said it; everyone there that night knew it. Sharon had thrown it into her face enough times.

"I don't know. She wanted it so much," she replied. Picking up her water glass, she took a sip and then stared into it. "And maybe I wanted to be in love too," she said quietly.

Rikki was about to say something when her phone went off. It was Yamile's ringtone. Without thinking, she answered it, holding up a finger to Liz. "Hey Yamile, what's up?"

Although she felt a flare of jealousy, Liz nodded. Thinking back on Sharon, she wondered if this was how Sharon felt all the time. "Even before she found me kissing .... Fuck, what was her name," she thought. As much as she tried, she couldn't remember. "But she was always paranoid about me cheating on her, not that I can blame her." There were others before that night, she was just more careful. "It's a miserable feeling," she thought as she listened to Rikki.

"Hun, what's wrong?" She paused as Yamile said something.

"Cause I can hear it in your voice," she said before pausing again.

"Oh Yamile, why didn't you say something before? Of course your anniversary is going to be hard! Elizabeth and I are just having lunch, but I can come over in a little bit."

She listened a little more before speaking again. "Oh honey. Don't cry. I'll come over as soon as I can. Okay, love you too." She disconnected the call. "I'm sorry, Elizabeth. Today is her wedding anniversary and she is falling apart. Do you mind if we just skip lunch? I want to get over there. I'll drop you off."

Although she couldn't help feeling even more jealous, Liz nodded. "Of course. I totally understand. Days like this must be hell for her," she said. "What about your lawyer?"

"I'll text her and let her know. She doesn't need me for this, and she'll just let me know where we are when they are done," Rikki said. "God, my heart feels so much for Yamile. Letting go of Samuel is actually pretty easy. Claudio was everything for her."

"Yeah," Liz said, a layer of shame weaving its way into the fabric of her emotions. "Maybe that's why I haven't let myself love," she added. "Just open yourself up to pain."

"Maybe Elizabeth, but you're not happy now either. Not really. I wish we had more time to talk about it. I'm sorry," Rikki said.

"Hey, no big deal. I'm fine," Liz said. Her smile was a mask, but it was a convincing one. Rikki nodded and went to find the waitress and pay their bill. Liz watched her walk away. "I'm okay," she softly said. Even to herself, she couldn't stop lying.

*****

In another part of town, Winnie hurried up the sidewalk towards the restaurant where she was meeting Lena. They hadn't talked since getting home very late on Sunday but when Lena sent her a text asking if she wanted to get together for lunch, she immediately said yes.

Even as she got there, Winnie still couldn't figure out what this was. "Is this a date or is it just two friends having lunch?" she wondered. "Hell, I don't even know if I hope it is one or the other!" Opening the door, she saw Lena there waiting. As she went over to her, she was suddenly unsure as to what to do. "Every other time, we just hug. Should I kiss her? Fuck, this is awkward," she thought to herself.

Lena was beset by similar conflicting thoughts, which became obvious as they hugged. She decided just to hug Winnie, not wanting to put her on the spot, while Winnie decided that didn't want Lena to think she was ashamed of what happened. In the confusion, neither managed it well. Winnie's kiss landed just to the side of Lena's mouth. Because she was going for a kiss, she wasn't in the right position for a full hug. After a brief moment, they let go, accompanied by somewhat forced and embarrassed chuckles.

Winnie felt her cheeks burning as Lena went to tell the hostess that they were both there. "I looked like an idiot," she scolded herself. The attempt at seeming to be fine with things was completely botched. "She just wanted a hug and I not only tried to kiss her, I missed!"

The hostess led them to a table in the center of the room. The lunch crowd filled it and there were no other spots available. While Winnie hoped for some privacy, there was none to be found. Whatever happened with them would be in plain view.

As soon as they sat down, their server came over and asked them if they knew what they wanted. It was clear that they were trying to get people in an out as soon as possible, so both of them scanned the menu and ordered a couple of salads. While it was slightly irritating to be rushed, Winnie found that it helped her to have a moment to let go of a little of her anxiety. By the time the server left, she was almost calm.

Since neither one of them was ready to talk about the thing on their minds, they spent a few minutes talking about their jobs and what was happening. While it wasn't a topic of gossip, a number of Marika's friends at work were trying to figure out how they could support her. Not surprisingly, there were very few fans of Samuel, especially among the women. A lot of their co-workers stopped by to check with Winnie on how she was doing. Everyone at work was aware of how close she and Marika were. Finally, Lena felt relaxed enough to bring up the weekend.

"So, how are you doing? I mean about what happened?" she asked. She looked into her big blue eyes, but Winnie looked away. "Oh boy, maybe she is upset about it," Lena thought to herself, but in the next instant, those fears were dispelled.

"It was amazing, but confusing too," Winnie started to say before stopping herself. She reached out and put her hand over Lena's. "Not about what we did. That was fantastic, but I'm not sure what it means." She shyly met Lena's eyes. "For our friendship, for one, but also about who I am."

Feeling like there was an unspoken question, Lena answered it with one of her own. "What do you want it to mean for us?" It put the ball back into Winnie's court and gave her a little space.

"I've been thinking a lot about what happened." Winne blushed a little. "You probably guessed that. You've been such a great friend. I don't want to lose that." The confidence in her eyes strengthened as she continued. "I need that, the friendship, especially with someone who understands me." She paused a moment and took a big breath. "Someone who gets what I'm going through. Someone who's come out."

"And I think sex might make it be hard for us to have that sort of friendship. If you're my lover, then it's about that. I'm not ready for that," she said. She let out a big sigh. "I'm not even brave enough to come out."

Winnie squeezed Lena's hand. "Although one thing is clear to me, I may not be able to tell my parents, but I know what I am. I can't lie to myself anymore. I'm a lesbian. I don't want to keep pretending I'm not."

Turning her hand, Lena squeezed back. "I'm glad, that you are figuring it out, I mean. Unfortunately, I don't have much advice about your parents. Growing up around here is a lot different from Oklahoma. My parents just wanted me to be happy. I know they would have preferred that I was straight, but they understood it wasn't like I picked this. By the time I told them, they knew," Lena said. "I'm sorry, but I don't understand your parents."

Winnie smiled sadly. "There is no reason you should. The people like them around here are the exceptions, but back home they are all over. Not everyone, but enough that those who stand up against it are constantly on the defensive. And those who are out like you face hostility all the time. There was one boy at my school who was beat up after he was seen kissing another guy," she said and looked away. "No other kids stood up for him. I sure didn't. I was too afraid someone might accuse me of being gay too."

"The adults, they tsk tsked and said it was awful, but no one was caught and people, people like my parents, said 'he brought it on himself,'" she murmured softly. "Even the boy's parents didn't do anything." She scoffed. "They just took him out of school and home schooled him for the rest of the year. It was fucked up."

She looked back at Lena. "My parents aren't stupid, you know? They've picked up on things enough that they worry about it and said enough that I worry they wouldn't accept it, or me."

Meeting her gaze, Lena nodded. "I get it, but while it isn't the same, remember you have friends. I'll support you no matter what you do, and so will the rest of the group," she said. "Except for Julie, of course." The little smile on her lips slipped slowly away. "And maybe Logan," she added with a tone that made her feelings about him clear to Winnie.

"Yeah, well Logan's okay, or would be if he didn't think he was God's gift to women," she said. Her eyes got a bit of a twinkle back in them as she looked at Lena. "He certainly isn't as talented as you! No one ever made me cum like that!"

Lena grinned and leaned forward. "Not even Indigo?" she whispered.

Although it was hard to tell with her tan, Winnie blushed a deep red. "No," she whispered as she fought the urge to look around and see if anyone was listening. The two situations were completely different. With Indigo, it had been an exciting moment. The night with Lena lasted so much longer and was special because of the close friendship they shared. "Friendship," she thought to herself, "not love." She knew the difference.

"Lena, you are a sexy woman and you know how to push my buttons better than anyone I've been with, but maybe it's better if we stay mostly friends," she said.

"Mostly?" Lena said in a sexy voice with her eyes sparkling mischievously. Despite agreeing with her, she couldn't help herself.

Winnie blushed again but nodded. "Maybe occasional benefits?"

Lena laughed. "Occasional benefits, I think I can do that. Despite being a newbie, you know how to please a girl." She was glad it was easier than she expected. They were pretty much of similar minds on things.

For a little while, they ate lunch without saying much more. As they were finishing up, Lena looked at her. There was one thing that was still nagging at her. "Win, I haven't ever been very good at being a girlfriend. I still like not being tied down. Don't be mad at me if I ...." She trailed off not know just how to say it.