Tied Up in Knotts Ch. 04

Penn nodded in understanding as he pulled up to the house. "Just so there's no confusion, we really like you and the invites are genuine. We've always enjoyed and respected you."

"Something I'll never understand," I joked.

"Perception," he tried to hide the smirk but I saw it. "So, you'll come willingly next time?

I shook my head and got out. "Goodbye Penn."

****

"You didn't even call," he shouted, beyond upset about lunch.

"They showed up unannounced and then everything happened so fast. By the time I realized my mistake, we were already eating. And, before you get upset, the food came really fast!"

"It's not fair. You don't even want to be friends with them."

"That's not true and you know it."

"You sure didn't want to hangout with them a few weeks ago!"

"You know how I feel about superficial relationships but it's different now. This is intentional, so yeah, I'd like to get to know them better."

"Well, it would be nice to be included."

"You are! I promise," I wrapped my arms around Lee and pulled him in. "I love you. I would never exclude you. There's no person I'd rather spend my time with than you." He mumbled into my chest but hugged me back.

****

"Everyone shut up," Ryan yelled in the background. "Sorry, Nash, I don't think I heard you right. Did you just ask if we were free this weekend?"

"Yes, Ryan. I'm calling to see if you all wanted to do something."

"Fuck yes we're free. Even if we weren't, we'd cancel our plans. It's once in a lifetime that Nash Cushman extends an invitation!" he shouted. In my mind's eye, I could see him smiling, maybe even dancing in victory.

"Don't make me regret it."

"I wouldn't dare!"

I found myself laughing at the dramatic nature of it all. We made plans for Friday; a guy's night. Lee was over the moon. Not only did he weasel out of working late but managed to get off early. Determination really could move mountains.

****

Lee spent the whole day cleaning. I should've taken offense to it since I was the one who usually cleaned, but I knew this was what he did, he went over every square inch before guests came over.

"Lee, calm down. They don't care if our baseboards are clean. They just want to hang out. Let's relax before they get here."

I dragged him to the couch and forced him to snuggle. He barely relaxed in my arms. Every minute or so he remembered something he needed to do and would try to get up. I held him tight and forced him to stay with me. Okay, maybe part of me thrived on irritating him just a little.

"Dammit, Nash. They're here and I have nothing ready," he snapped as he jumped off the couch. Lee wore a buttoned-up shirt and chinos. He tried to make me wear the same but I refused. It was a guy's night not a job interview. He smoothed and straightened his clothes as he rushed to the door.

"Because there's nothing to prepare. We have food, drinks, and games," I said, though my words fell on deaf years. I was still sitting on the couch when he opened the door and greeted our new friends. It was typical of Lee to go all out to impress our guests.

"Nash," he shouted happily— as if he hadn't just tried to kill me with his jedi mind powers. "Our guests have arrived."

I could hear Lee starting the tour. It was something he did every time people came over for the first time. We had built the home from the ground up and he was proud, we both were. "Nash loves to cook and insisted on this kitchen."

I leaned against the doorway and watched as Lee led them to the garage. I rolled my eyes because when I go to someone's house, I'm secretly dying to scope out their garage. Not.

Ryan, Penn, and Logan followed Lee around like good little guests. I mouthed an apology on Lee's behalf but they didn't seem bothered. In fact, they seemed more than happy to play along. I came up the rear and joined the tour as he showed them the spare room, the movie room, bathrooms, utility closets and, finally, our bedroom.

"That's pretty much everything," Lee wrapped up the tour and led us back to the kitchen where he played a well-stocked bartender. We played cards, talked, and joked. Like most guys, the conversation was wide but not deep.

Penn sat next to me and I could tell he'd taken our conversation to heart because he was the epitome of intentional. We spent a lot of the night talking while Lee hosted Ryan and Logan.

He told me all about his work. Turns out he was a travel welder by trade and currently between welding jobs. He was waiting to sign a contract and then he'd be off again. The septic business was what he did when he was in town.

"Does it bother Camilla that you're gone all the time?"

"No. She knows I love what I do."

"I'm surprised she's not demanding to spend every second with you while you're home."

"She does," Ryan interrupted. "It drives him nuts. He was practically running out of the house tonight."

Lee came over and filled my water glass. "Sounds like Nash," he teased.

"Stop telling lies," I wrapped my arm around his waist and pulled him onto my lap. "It's just that Lee only wants to spend time together when I'm busy."

"You're always busy with something. You never stop." Lee wrapped his arm around my shoulder.

"Then stop adding to my hunny-to-do list." I playfully glared at Lee. He'd really relaxed as the night wore on. I was glad to see him stop trying to impress them. I much preferred watching him being happy.

Lee tried to pull away but I kept my arms around him. "Are you going to let me up?"

"No. You were just complaining that I never want to spend time with you. Now I'm trying to spend time with you and you want to ditch me." He pretended like he was irritated but the smile on his face gave him away. He loved the attention and I loved giving it to him.

Penn excused himself. When he returned, he took Lee's seat on the other side of the table. The distance wasn't lost on me. I kept trying to get his attention but he was no longer engaged. It wasn't long after that that they excused themselves.

"Okay," Logan got up. "Thank you guys for having us."

"Oh," Lee said, disappointed. "Leaving already?" It was late but earlier for a guy's night. I think both Lee and I had expected the night to be longer.

"Yeah, we're helping Lon with some stuff tomorrow. He always wants to start early." We walked them to the porch. "When are we coming over again?" he asked.

"Next weekend, if you want," Lee said. He was trying to play it cool but I could tell he was excited about the prospect of this being a long-term thing. We shook hands then the brothers took off.

****

I saw a lot more of them after that. Lunch became a regular thing and so did the weekends. There were even some unexpected week-night hangouts. Ryan and Logan played mushball while Penn and I watched. It was the perfect blend of social outing mixed with really great conversation.

Lee spent as much time with us as possible but his schedule wasn't nearly as flexible. He needed notice to arrange things and that wasn't how the Knott's worked. They didn't plan. They did. Everything was spontaneous.

It's funny how things changed. For as long as I could remember, I had a giant fantasy crush on Ryan. I thought he was God's gift to gorgeous men. The more we hung out, the less he appealed to me. I thought he had a lot of amazing qualities but he became too humanized to fantasize about. I was simply a good friend.

Ryan had also started as the initiator. The beginning of the 'friendship' revolved around him and I but, as the summer grew on, that shifted. It was Penn and I who texted about meeting up and it was Penn who I spent most of my time talking to. I liked Ryan and Logan but it was my friendship with Penn that grew deeper. We even started carpooling. Penn would pick me up on the way to meet Ryan and Logan at the restaurant. There were even days when it was just Penn and I at lunch while everyone else worked.

Penn had no problem going deep. It seemed like we talked about everything. I knew him on a level that I hadn't begun to scratch with his brothers. They were fun to talk to and happy to share a lot of their life. Still, it wasn't the same.

And it wasn't all good.

I started noticing things. The more we hung out, the more apparent it became. The more apparent it became, the bigger the issue became—for me. It was Lee. They didn't like him. If I was honest, I noticed it the first night they came over for guys night. They interacted with him but it was strained. It was like they tolerated him for my benefit. Except, it was no benefit to me. And once I saw it, it was all I noticed.

It was little things.

In the beginning, I'd get a text in the morning to see if I was free for lunch. That gave me enough time to give Lee a heads up so he could make most of our lunch dates. Then suddenly, I stopped getting notice. They'd just show up unannounced, making it impossible for Lee to come.

Then the weekends. They were always busy except when Lee had to work. I was irritated with them. They were grown adults behaving like children, so I started declining. When they bugged me to come, I told them Lee was busy and we'd come next time. That led to what I called the olive branch events. Suddenly, their schedules would open up.

I wanted to be happy but I wasn't. I loved Lee and it pained me to watch him having a good time with people who didn't want to be around him. And if that wasn't bad enough, I was developing legitimate feelings for Penn. It was no longer a minor crush. I had lied to myself—justified why it was okay to spend long hours with Penn, knowing it was wrong. I was dancing on a landslide. If I wasn't careful, that landslide was going to fall and take everyone out.

It was time to terminate the friendship.

****

I didn't know how to tell them, so I avoided them. I knew it wasn't the most mature thing to do, but sometimes cold turkey was the best way to go.

It was late August and, despite their best efforts, I hadn't seen them in weeks. Phone calls sent to voicemail and texts left unanswered. I even parked in the garage after Lee left so I wouldn't have to answer the door when they showed up.

I knew I couldn't avoid them forever so it didn't really come as a shock when they used the FedEx guy as a trojan horse and slipped past my defenses.

Ryan stood in front with the other two flanking behind. None of them looked happy. "Are you going to invite us in?"

I reluctantly opened the door. I didn't really have another option, I needed to address the situation, and it wasn't my nature to be a complete ass. I led them to the kitchen table and pushed my paperwork to the side so they could sit. Penn didn't waste a minute getting to the point.

"You've been avoiding us."

As hard as it was and as much as I wanted to avoid the awkward conversation, I wasn't going to lie and I don't think any of them expected such a candid response. "I've been busy, but, yes, I suppose I have."

"Why? Did we do something?" Penn asked. He seemed genuinely confused and upset by the sudden cold shoulder.

"You guys don't like Lee."

"Yeah we do, Lee's a great guy." Logan said. Ryan nodded along but neither of them were convincing.

"I'm a lot of things but stupid isn't one of them. I've been watching the way you guys interact with him and you've been excluding him all summer."

The room was quiet as they shared a few glances back and forth.

"Okay, you're right," Ryan admitted. "It's not that we don't like Lee, it's just that, he's just not our favorite. But we really like you and wanted to hang out with you. I guess we didn't realize how obvious we were."

"I don't think Lee realizes it, but I do, and that's enough for me."

"What do you mean?" Penn asked.

"I mean, I feel shitty knowing he thinks the world of you guys and in return, you've been assholes. The look on his face every time he finds out that I went to lunch or to the lake or to mushball...it's terrible," I frowned. "I'm sorry. I love him and I won't let him be disrespected like that."

"You're breaking up with us?" Ryan asked.

"Yeah, I guess I am."

"Will you still come to the birthday party?" Ryan's oldest daughter was having a big birthday bash and everyone was invited.

"Is Lee invited?"

"Of course, he was already invited. Nothing's changed."

"As long as Lee wants to go, we'll be there." And Lee definitely wanted to go. It's all he'd been talking about.

There wasn't much conversation after that. When they left, they looked like whipped puppies. Penn hung back as his brothers walked to the truck. "I'm sorry. I can't speak for my brothers but I didn't realize the gravity of it all, until now. I really don't want things to end like this."

"You guys have the right to like or dislike whomever you want. I'm not mad at you for that. But I will always put Lee first. To me, marriage is a package deal."

Lee was first in my heart and I had failed him when I let my crush on Penn catch fire. I may have been upset that they didn't like Lee, but it was my feelings for Penn that was far more dangerous. I couldn't leave my heart undisciplined like that. As sad as was to see my friendships end before they truly began, felt no guilt as they left my home.

Lee first and foremost. Always.

****

Trying to explain to Lee why the Knotts had disappeared was hard. So, I avoided it, and when I couldn't avoid it, I told him I was busy with work, and when I wasn't busy, I told him they were busy. I felt like shit. I just got done telling the brothers how I wouldn't lie to Lee, yet there I was, lying to Lee.

Then there was Ellie's birthday. I had gone to so many sweet sixteens that I'd lost count, but Lee was so excited. It was an all-white themed party and Lee had gone shopping to accommodate the very specific dress code. By the grace of God, the party ended up being the same night as the Man of the Year awards banquet. Knowing how bad Lee wanted to go to the birthday party, I told him we could skip the banquet.

Lee would have none of that. We were going. He insisted the party would end later than the banquet so we could make it to both. Honestly, I didn't want to go to either—the banquet nor the party. The former because I didn't care much about the award, the latter because I didn't want to see the brothers. It would be so awkward to watch Lee interact like everything was fine.

****

The banquet represented the end of summer and was about as entertaining as a bag of stones. We couldn't bail early because the Man of the Year award was the last presentation of the night. When it finally ended, we had to stay and mingle because I had won. God knows how, but I won. As much as I didn't want to win, I felt incredibly honored. The evening passed by in a blur. There had been a lot of awards presented; to both businesses and people. I loved my community and ended up having a wonderful time celebrating everyone that gave time and resources to making Lincoln a standout community. By the time we finished, we had completely missed Ellie's party.

My phone beeped nonstop the next day. News had spread and everyone wanted to send their congratulations. Among the messages were some from the Knotts.

Congratulations. You earned it. Don't doubt it or sell yourself short. It's all about perspective

I re-read Penn's text several times. We had talked about the nomination, how I was up against phenomenal people and how I didn't feel like I deserved to win. He tried to shut it down but the feelings remained. Even after winning held on to the guilt of taking something that someone else deserved. Surely someone else was more deserving? Lee, bless his soul, was so happy about the title that he failed to notice my anxiety over winning.

I hated that Penn had the words I needed to hear.

****

September came. That meant Club was starting and my schedule picked up. I spent my days working and my nights hauling teenagers to and from school events. I love this season. I loved that when Lee wasn't working late, he was by my side. It was my job but he loved it just as much. As fun as the summer had been, I was glad to get back to normal.

For the first time in years, the wrestling team was doing amazing. We were a small district and wrestling wasn't a big sport which meant we didn't have a lot of local meets, maybe two a season. But boy, when we did, the crowd showed up.

The first thing I noticed when we pulled into the parking lot were the trucks. The Knott trucks. Logan's son, Koby, had joined the team. Like most Knott's, he was a natural and was dominating his weight class. Knowing they were there made me nervous. I hadn't seen them in over a month.

I discreetly looked for them when we walked in. I excused myself to use the restroom so I wouldn't miss anything later. When finished, I went to find Lee. I had expected him to be in the lobby waiting but he wasn't.

"Nash, look who I found," Lee shouted from just outside the gym doors. He was smiling brightly, proud of the long-lost toys he finally found. Knowing that no one there liked him, I smiled politely then tried to extract.

"Let's grab our seats, the first round is going to start soon."

"Oh yeah, sure," he turned toward the group. "Where are you guys sitting?"

I mentally cringed, facepalmed, shuddered, and every other thing that happens when the person you love has no idea how uncomfortable the situation, they're in is. "I thought we were going to sit with John and Stacy?"

"Well, they're welcome to join us if they'd like." Lee was annoyed at me for being pushy. He wanted to sit with the Knotts. When Lee wasn't paying attention, I mouthed an apology. Other than looking guilty, they seemed unphased by Lee's self-inviting behavior.

"We should head in before all the spots are taken," Penn said, nodding for Lee to follow him. Lee smiled at me before following Penn through the gym. Lee sat smack dab in the middle of the group while I sat at the end. I wanted to sit anywhere but there and was thankful when a group of boys joined me.

I glanced at Lee a few times. He was happily chatting away with Penn. Or course Penn was the one to treat Lee with kindness after everything that happened. I hated that. I wish Penn would go away, leave Lee alone.

I was watching a kid named Bennett, who couldn't have weighed more than ninety pounds, taking down another kid who barely looked old enough to compete at the high school level when Lee practically tripped over the person sitting next to me before crouching down in front of me. He looked happy and ever so eager.

"You're not busy next weekend, are you? They invited us over."

"Next weekend?" I asked, trying to buy time while I thought of an excuse. "I'm going to a Cross Country meet in Sweet Home."

"You can't miss it?"

I shook my head; it was a dumb question. Even if I could, I wouldn't miss it. It wasn't just part of my job; I was something genuinely enjoyed.

"What about the following weekend?"

I glanced at Penn. It wasn't just him waiting for an answer, it was everyone. Why were they doing this? They might've been including Lee but I knew it was fake and Lee deserved more than that. I deserved more than that.

"I'm speaking at camp. I'll be gone all weekend." Lee knew I was telling the truth but everyone thought I was lying through my teeth.

"What about lunch? We could all meet up next week or something," Penn asked.

"Yes! Lunch would be great. Monday's are no good for Nash but any other day works. I just need a little heads up. It's been forever since we had lunch," Lee was practically bursting from excitement.

The brothers looked hopeful, silently begging me to agree. I didn't want to do lunch but Lee would never let it go if we passed. "Yeah, maybe. We'll see," I offered. It was the best I could do in a pinch. It seemed to satisfy Lee because he bounded back to the group.