To Quench Our Love Pt. 02

"They teach you trash talk in grad school?" I asked as I checked the ball.

"Just play," she said, bouncing the ball back to me.

I passed the ball to one of Polly's new roommates, who was being guarded by Lauren. "Don't worry Annie," Lauren said just before she started to dribble. "They're usually quiet in bed."

"Shut up Lauren," Polly admonished as she guarded me on the other side of the court.

Annie dribbled down toward the corner and I noticed that the key area was completely empty, everyone out around the arc. So I cut cross court, leaving Polly behind again and called for the ball. Annie floated it over Lauren's head to me. As I caught the ball, I heard a "No!" behind me and next thing I knew Polly was on my back. I dropped the ball and stumbled forward, but managed to stay up and hold Polly's legs so that now I was giving her a piggyback ride.

Lauren picked up the ball and took a shot that bounced off the rim. Everyone else was frozen from Polly's clear foul. "I mean, not always, but usually quiet," Lauren said with a slight turn towards Annie.

It was my turn. "Shut up, Lauren." I said.

Polly lightly punched my chest from her perch on my back. "Hey, I don't need no mans. Shut up, Lauren."

"He's too good," Lauren responded. "Why don't you take a flirting break or bang it out or something so the rest of us can have fun."

Polly slipped off my back and wrapper her arm around mine. "We'll go over there and talk like adults, thank you," she said and pulled me away.

"Good to see Lauren hasn't changed," I said as we stepped onto the grass and Polly let go of my arm.

"She's a pain but you have to love her," Polly replied.

"You've changed, though," I said. "Calling me a fucker?"

"Sorry, trash talk."

"No I know, but you never used heavy swear words except when you were stressed." I didn't mention why she was stressed.

"Yeah, that's part of my healing. I still don't swear in professional settings, but I can't be perfect all the time and I'm a swear girl at heart."

We sat across from each other at a picnic table and I replied, "I don't remember whether you swore a lot in high school, but I think I would remember if you were a 'swear girl.'"

"Nah, I still don't swear much. But it's a little freeing."

"And I thought you weren't much for sports."

"I'm sorry, did you not just see my pathetic attempt at guarding you?"

I gave her a big smile. "I can't let my ex beat me."

"We're here every Thursday, and I demand a rematch."

"We'll see. I can't get away much these days."

"Why's that?"

"Well I finished the kitchen and now it's on to the bathroom," I said with sarcastic excitement.

"Man, you're going to be a bona fide contractor."

"I'm gonna be something."

"So is walking through the park your break from that?"

"No, it's me getting air after a fight with Heather," I confessed.

"Ouch. How is she?"

"My hatred for her runs deep," I said sourly.

"Jack, that's not funny. I know you're fighting but that's not a healthy joke."

"Not a joke. I go to bed every night hoping one of us doesn't wake up. Doesn't matter which one. If it's me, my problems are gone, and if it's her, well, my problems are done too."

"Jack, that's not fair to her or to you. If you really feel that way, you have to do something."

"It's weird calling you my ex," I mused.

Her lips smacked as she opened her mouth to speak. But she caught herself, sighed and resumed, "Please Jack, don't change the subject."

"I'm sorry I said anything. I'm just really tired from all the remodeling and Heather's anxiety. And then today she comes home from a business trip and announces out of nowhere that we're moving to New York, then throws a fit when I'm taken aback by the news."

"Wait, so she's moving and didn't ask you?"

"No, she decided that she wants to move, and rather than have a discussion she just told me and got really mad when I didn't commit right away."

She sat quietly, looking at me. So I continued. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be talking to you about our problems. I just haven't gotten all the anger out."

"I don't mind. It's part of my job now and honestly, it's nice to hear an adult's problems once in a while."

I smiled. "Yeah, I'm not the carefree nine-to-fiver you once knew."

"We all grow," she mused. "But I'm not kidding, if you really hope one of you doesn't wake up, you need to do something."

I did. Maybe not every single night, but when I would go straight from remodeling or cleaning to sleep, or pass out while looking at bathroom stuff close to midnight, I did wish everything could just end without a fuss. But Polly was right. So I told her so. "I've got to figure something out," I elaborated. "Heather deserves a nice life, and I try so hard to give that to her, but I feel like I'm giving up too much and she's not getting that life."

"So talk to her. Because your efforts are wasted if you're not open about what's going on."

"So what's going on with you?" I asked to change the subject. "Glad to be back?"

"So glad. I had forgotten how hard it is to make a difference in our hometown. Like, I thought I could give back like I did here, but... I don't know, it doesn't matter. And I thought being with my mom would be great and fix everything, but... I don't know. I wish I had been thinking straight. It was what I needed to do, but I did it all wrong."

"But you're glad you did?"

"I don't know. But I'm happy where I am. And I feel really guilty about how I left things with you."

"Don't. You needed to look out for yourself and you did."

"No I did it wrong. I wanted to call you so many times and but I couldn't. I spent half the day that first Thanksgiving sobbing. But it was exactly the same as the weeks before I left. I kept finding reasons in my head about how you didn't want to hear from me."

"But you came last Thanksgiving."

"I was so nervous," she sighed, as if the nerves were still there. "So so nervous. And when I saw Heather's car behind yours in the driveway, I knew, and I was like 'This is stupid, she's going to think I'm moving in on her man, he's going to be mad and she's going to hate me.'"

"Nah she loved you. Almost turned her into a lesbian." Polly laughed so I told her, "Yeah, her exact words 'She's cute as a button and her personality lit up the room so much I almost left you for her.'"

"I'm," she paused, "not sure if I'm comfortable with that."

"Me either," I said brightly. "But in any case, she was exaggerating. She liked you but she also was jealous. Not like possessive jealous. Like 'She got a job and I didn't' jealous. So that's why she said that, because I was trying to tell her people did like her and she would get a job."

"Yeah I think we've all been there. Careers suck."

"Well how's yours?"

"Going well. It's really fun seeing my old students again, and I get to know the new ones really well. I don't really like the idea of charter schools, but I think I'm doing good."

"And how's everything else?"

"Good, I like my house, got good roommates, and I'm seeing someone."

"Oh really? Is it serious?"

"I mean, I'm taking it slow, but he's a really good guy and I think maybe it could become serious."

"I thought you didn't believe in taking it slow."

"Well I don't believe in taking it slow just for some fake unwritten rules. I go as fast as I feel, shucks to anyone else."

"You've always been wise that way. So how long has it been?"

"A little over two months."

"Wow, so he's lasted longer than me."

"That's completely different."

"I know, I'm just teasing. Speaking of," I nodded my head to Lauren walking towards us.

We both turned our heads to her and she spoke when she got to our table. "So you two going to come out with us, or are you just going to wait till the park's empty and get it on in the bushes?"

"Lauren, could you please?" Polly responded. "It's not funny and you know we're both seeing people."

Pointing at me, Lauren said, "As long as he's the last guy you fucked, I don't give a shit about wimpy old Aaron."

"Some privacy please!?" Polly pleaded with exasperation.

"Fine," Lauren said. "But are you guys coming for drinks?"

"Yeah I'll catch up," Polly said.

"I'll think about it," I said.

Lauren said that was cool and got going. With her safely gone, I said to Polly, "Well I guess that was a little too far from her."

"Yeah I really didn't want you to know that. Or maybe I did. Lauren has a way of knowing what I really want."

"No judgement. I've only been with Heather and honestly, it's weird with her." I didn't know why I said that. Polly just had a knack for drawing things out of me.

"I'm not sure I want to know, but please continue." She flared her eyes and folded her hands in an exaggerated active listening pose.

"I don't know, I think she has some psychological problems or confidence issues or something. And I think she's used to guys just wanting her for her body, so she doesn't know how to... it's hard to say."

"Be with a guy like you?"

"I guess?" I think the right answer was "be with a guy who cares about her," but I figured things would stay PG if I just deflected that last comment.

"I think this is why I haven't called since Thanksgiving."

"Why?"

"Because I knew I couldn't help saying too much."

"You didn't say too much, we're friends talking about our partners. It's what friends do."

She looked off into the darkness for a moment. Then she said, "You know why it's weird to call each other our exes?"

"Because our breakup had nothing to do with each other? Because we were never official?"

"We were in my mind."

"Mine too."

"But it's because of love. But not because we were in love, but it's the love in your heart. When you first said that about not being exes, I thought it was because there was a love between us that was never broken. But that wasn't true. It's because of you. You tell me on the one hand you wish you wouldn't wake up, but on the other that you want to give Heather a nice life. You never once acted frustrated by my horrible behavior after Dad died. And you don't want to call me your ex because you see people as persons, and calling someone an 'ex' is calling them something negative."

"You always saw something in me that I just don't believe is there. I would think I would have more friends if that were the case."

"I think you just haven't learned that about yourself. I saw it living in our backwater town for a year and a half then almost every weekend for two more. You just haven't had the chance to come into yourself. I was lucky enough to see that and now I'm lucky enough to have you as a friend. But Heather is so much more lucky and if she can't see that and wants to blow everything up over an impulse to move to New York, she's losing out. You care about her, you care about me and so don't want to say 'ex,' and honestly I think you care a lot more than you understand."

I felt a stir in my pants as if I was a teenager realizing a girl likes him for the first time. I tried to block it, but my body was telling me that Polly was confessing she still loved me. And I still didn't understand why. I thought for a moment and figured out a reply. "I'm glad that your one flaw is liking me for no reason."

Polly sighed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I just think you're really great and I didn't like seeing you down."

"Don't worry, fights with girlfriends happen. Would have happened eventually with us."

"Well I'm glad we're friends and maybe can avoid ever fighting. So are you going to get drinks with us?"

"I should probably get back home. Heather and I will make up, but if I go out, it'll be nuclear war."

"True. Want a ride?"

I thought for a moment. I did, just to prolong saying goodbye, but I thought better. "It's like three blocks and I need to finish clearing my head before going in."

"Well walk me to my car."

"Of course."

We got up and walked side by side. Polly re-started the conversation, saying "We need to find a way to hang out. That's part of why it's hard to call you since Thanksgiving. And you're too good for my basketball group."

"Yeah, I mean, Heather takes up all my energy. I wouldn't even know what to do with or without you."

"Well let's think of something. And promise if you want to call or text, you will."

"You'll promise the same?"

"Yeah."

"No nerves about calling me."

"I will ignore the nerves."

"OK. I will. But I'm tired all the time, it might not be for a while."

"No matter how long we go without talking," she said, "I will always want to hear from you."

"Same for me. It's weird, I feel proud of you for going to grad school and getting another great job. I just wish I could have seen it."

We were at her car and stopped walking. "I'm sorry. But I promised I'd ignore my nerves from now on. Now give me a hug."

We hugged. Just like our last meeting, maybe a little too long and I didn't want to let go. Then I walked back home. I did need to do something about Heather. I had thought her shift after changing jobs could stay, but we were right back where we were. I didn't know what Polly was talking about with that non-confession, but she was right that I cared about both of them. She was also right that silently stewing, and that hoping external forces would change Heather and thus our relationship was not fair to either of us. And, I realized as I turned down my street, the only way to make things fair was to try to be more active with Heather. We had been together for almost three years. We both deserved to be happy and I owed her the right to choose whether we would be happy together.

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Chapter 6: Nothing More, Nothing Less

Transforming my relationship with Heather was difficult. The change with Polly was also difficult, but she wasn't there every day reminding me that we needed to do something. Besides, going from old acquaintances to friends is a lot less challenging than going from messy partners to happy partners.

Heather admitted after I got home that she should have had a conversation rather than just deciding. She also excused herself by claiming that she wasn't really making a decision because the possibility was so far off that a million things could change before she'd ever be able to move. I was a bit surprised that she didn't talk about being upset because my response had made her feel like I didn't really care about being with her. Neither of us even mentioned why she was so mad, as if she was tacitly acknowledging that nobody could be expected to jump on board right away after her announcement. Or perhaps, we were hiding from the possibility that the whole conversation was bait to test my commitment. I suppose I'll never know.

I never told Heather that I ran into Polly that night, nor that the following week I would text Polly happy birthday. I did tell her that we needed to do something about our day-to-day life so that I wasn't on edge all the time. But I didn't know what to say at that moment, and so I just said I didn't know what we needed to do but we'd think about that.

I can't honestly say that Heather and I really worked on the relationship thereafter. I think we tried, to an extent, but we really didn't communicate what we were doing differently and the change was only nominal. But I suppose the difference going from "bad" to "not bad" is never really noticeable. Part of the problem was that I really had no interests. Watching sports was nothing more than a way to pass time to me, and despite being able to dominate my short ex-girlfriend in basketball, I was in no mood to get in shape enough to play sports. So I really had nothing to do except follow along with Heather's whims. I did notice that I was handling her meltdowns better, but sometimes I asked myself if I was actually doing a good job helping her, or if I was merely deflecting the stress away from myself and leaving her feeling the same.

I would get my answer almost a year later. She didn't say it directly, but I hadn't been helping. The night before, Malcolm Butler had won the Super Bowl for the Patriots, and that game had a significant effect on what Heather would soon say to me. We had watched together, well, I had watched, mostly in silence, while Heather perused the internet. But having grown up watching Joe Montana and Jerry Rice and Steve Young, my disdain for the Seahawks had been simmering ever since the previous year. When Butler stepped in front of that route, the simmer came to an explosion - I jumped out of my seat, threw my arms in the air, and along with half of America shouted "Yes!" Heather's eyes bolted up from her computer and Fang's head bolted up from his nap. They both stared at me with the same gigantic eyes. Heather commented on how surprised she was at my reaction and I told her that the Seahawks were going to lose off of an incredible play. She shrugged and went back to whatever she was doing.

The next day as we sat down to eat - in front of the TV, as had become our habit - Heather held the remote and said to me, "I think I need to make some changes."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I think I need antidepressants."

I couldn't disagree, but I also couldn't be too obvious in my agreement. So I just asked, "What makes you think that?"

"A lot of things. But what really made me realize was how excited you were watching that game yesterday. Like, you don't have strong emotions, but even you can get happy about something. And like, today I finished a big project, and instead of feeling proud I was just like 'Well now it's going to be more annoying when no one listens to me.' It's not normal."

"I think it's normal, I mean we've talked about it before, just because your work situation sucks doesn't mean it's unusual. And your reactions are justified."

"But don't you think I should be less anxious? Or be excited for something?"

"You were pretty excited when we remodeled."

"Yeah but then it was so difficult, and so many decisions, and I just look at the final product, and it's so beautiful but I also remember how terrible it was."

"It was pretty frickin' terrible."

"But like I knew the bathroom would be. Why did I still do it? I like couldn't stop myself. And like I ruminate on every little slight at work. I think antidepressants could fix it."

"Well you know," I said, trying not to let myself again let the conversation slip toward me saying everything was fine, "I could ask Polly what she thinks. I think being a guidance counselor is kind of like being a shrink."

"You still talk to her?"

"I mean, she texted me 'Happy New Year,'" I lied by omission. She had, and before that I had texted her "Merry Christmas," and before that I had texted her on Thanksgiving "You're welcome to show up unannounced, but we'll be at Heather's mom's this year for Thanksgiving." Before that she had texted me for my birthday, and before that I had texted her for hers, which was the week after that night at the basketball court.

"You don't think that'll be weird?"

"No. I knew Polly for three years in high school, which was years before we dated. She's not going to judge you or be weird because you're my girlfriend and I used to date her."

"Alright, go for it." She picked up the remote and that was our conversation.

The next day, I called Polly around four, when I figured she'd be out of school but I would still have the privacy of being at work. Pacing outside of our building lest Nikki walk by, of course. Polly answered, "Hi Jack."

"Hey Polly, how's it going?"

"It's going great. How are you?"

"I'm fine, but I'm actually calling you for a reason."

"And here I thought you just missed my voice."

"Always, but I'm used to that. It's Heather who's not fine."

"What's wrong?"

"She thinks she needs antidepressants, and you're the closest thing to a shrink we know, so we thought maybe you could help."