Tobi 01

Tobi 01

Well, hello there my friends, I'm Tobi now and I was Toby back then and I may not be all that popular either way, but my feet always point forward and I'm always looking forward to my next adventurous disaster in my life. It's too bad that I always manage to find my next disaster, but I always manage to jiggle and wiggle my way back out of it, so, my nine lives aren't exactly in the red yet, but I have just about given up on painting a couple of cat whiskers across my cheeks on the weekends. Besides, since I somehow always manage to land on my feet, which always point and move forward, I've become just fine with my red cheeks.

Now, I don't know what you might like about me, but the some of the of things that I like about me are the things that I cannot change, like my height, the smaller size of my feet, my chin and things like that. And don't take that as I'm not happy with the rest of me, but, sheesh, getting a body and then keeping a body in the shape that you want requires constant work! But I do it for myself and for you. And I only bring that up since you might think that I'm a disaster of a date if I appear to nod off as the 10pm hour rolls around because working out really works my energy. Or give me seven minutes of shut eye before you get mad at me for short. Okay?

Not that I've been on a date as the 10pm hour rolled around or anything, but that's how I feel after all that "ugh, ugh, ugh" in the gym! I'm totally not built for strength. Endurance, maybe, but not for all that "woosh, woosh, woosh" pushing that up and pulling this down.

Anyways, trying out for sports in school was a disaster. Trying out for the band was a disaster. Well, the conductor asked me if I wanted to wipe down the band flag poles after band practice, but once he went into how fast I should wipe the flag poles down, ahem, and then back up, I mean, can you spell disaster, right? I mean, I did it once, but only because he tricked me, but that's all.

Which means, whew, once in a while I actually advert a disaster, I guess.

So, instead of just listing all of my past disasters, let me just hop and skip way, way, way over my recent half-hearted involvement in a speed dating event at Candi's Corner Nightclub and jump right into a much lesser recent disaster where I actually had a little fun while being ignored, humiliated and/or generally put in my place. Which is a wash out, right?

And to start, when your family owns the largest veggie farm in the area, good things happen when it comes to be invited to participate in events in and around the city of Middleton. Also, thanks for loving cucumbers and pickles so much.

"I mean, Tobi, you must be eating this up, right? And I mean that in a supportive way since it hasn't turned into a disaster yet, you know, since it hasn't really started yet, so, tee he, you must be in the zone, right?"

I mean, I was eating it up a little bit and enjoying the extra attention and all, but the truth of the matter was that I knew all along that it was only because that my family's business was a major sponsor of a traveling TV program that went around our southern states with a handful of fairly filthy rich financiers called the Gold Fish Tank, who were looking for their next investment entrepreneurs, that I was there backstage, ahem, with a whip ass communication headset on. And in Denim shorts that were actually modest until I started to roll up the cuffs as much as I could. And black and gold flat brim Gold Fish ballcap, let's not forget that or you know, my ponytail that flayed out of the rear of the ballcap.

But what's important is that although it's on a smaller scale than the similar TV program that's on national TV, it was still a big deal that the city of Middleton was chosen for the next taping of the Gold Fish Tank in the auditorium adjacent to the Middleton Civic Center.

And it was a little important that my name sakes and sponsorship gave Mrs. Bentley little choice but to assign me to the coordinating position of the entrepreneurs back stage. I mean, just to be clear, I was just a fancy communication headset wearing flunky in what ended up being fairly risqué Denim shorts and a crisp new ballcap, that I angled at about 6 degrees to the right at the end of it all, but I was there flipping and whipping my ponytail just behind the scenes.

[A pair of manly pecks start to dance. Oh, not Tobi's pecks, Rock's pecks]

"Rock, it's all set in stone for your presentation time slot in front of the Gold Fish judges to either secure your deal of a lifetime or to have your dreams crushed, so, don't go flexing your macho pecks at me since I've saw them dance plenty in the past since you and shirts have such a broken relationship. Also, is the brim of my crisp black and gold ballcap flat enough? It's a thing these days you know, so?"

[Rock and his Tango dancing pecks close the gap]

"Aww, come on, Tobi, you're in the middle of the mix, so, there must be some advance info that you can share with me, right? I mean, I need a fairly filthy rich Gold Fish on my team! Also, tee he, I mean, you and I did get jiggy once, tee he, so?"

Oh, folks, since nobody has gotten "jiggy" since the 20th century and since I was born in the 21st century and all, I mean, Rock and I did not then nor have we never gotten jiggy! It was just "jig" at best. Well, assuming that "getting jiggy" means going all the way.

[Rock's pecks start dancing the quick step]

"Oh, please, Rock, I'm bound by TV show secrecy, so, well, all I can tell you, unofficially of course, is to be yourself, be polite, keep your pitch in a good flow, nod your head when a Gold Fish claims that they out and whatever you do, Rock, do not flex your pecks towards either of the fairly rich lady Gold Fish mommas. Well, unless all else is literally failing, so. And stop saying that we went the way of getting jiggy, Rock! I needed you to fix the screws on the leg kicky lifter thingy on my couch and then a little something happened, which actually wasn't a disaster, until you basically abandoned me after that, but nobody would ever say we got jiggy on the couch, so?"

Well, I may have started that disaster of a home project visit from Rock by answering the front door wearing my PJ logo t-shirt that says "I Kiss C**K" across it, but that could have meant "I kiss the cook" or even "I kiss cake" or anything else, I mean, you don't know, so.

Anyways, it wasn't a exactly a disaster back then, but it was going to be a disaster for Rock as he tried to reel in a deal with any of the Gold Fish finance judges when he presented his startup business venture since his home improvement idea basically requires new construction. His recessed surround style interior lighting idea is actually cool as hell, but since existing homes have walls with wall studs and ceilings with ceiling rafters and floors with floor joists, it just doesn't lend itself to existing homes as an improvement and upgrade project. But I wished him well. I also just jumped ahead and quoted a response from one of the Gold Fish judges, but we'll get to that later when I get around to the part where I totally over rolled the cuffs of my Denim shorts up. Like way up. But I have the legs for that, so.

Oh, and for you fans of the Gold Fish Tank TV show, that was a quote from Gold Fish Harold the Horrible, not from Gold Fish Mr. Questionable as you might expect.

And by the way, the logo crop top PJ shirt is just a Tranny novelty thing, the end.

And Rock's dancing pecks actually have their own heartbeat rate, the other end.

And so, what if it happened then since I have no regrets, the other, other end.

"Tobi, first of all, I thought Rock was your old crush, so, that quick convo seemed to be a little quartered in nature and second of all, we all make mistakes, so, move on and thirdly of all, whew, what kind of inside information can you share with me because I have to have a Gold Fish financier on my team for my start up business and fourthly of all, maybe I know someone who would really appreciate seeing you tonight since it's time for you to move on from your couch mistake with Rock, so?"

Well, snap and shoot, right? Sarah was in the know about things and she is good friends with this guy, Ernie, who has shown an interest in me before. I mean, his interest is clearly sex, but I think Ernie might be someone who follows the steps before sex, so, um, not that my backstage position was going to be influenced by her power to set up a date, I mean, a meeting, so.

"Anyways, Tobi, I'll just go ahead and text Ernie and let him know that you're probably going to be even more worn out tonight after the TV show taping ends, so, how does it sound that you get to fall asleep on Ernie's shoulder as he drives you home tonight, hmm? I mean, I could see where you have it in you to avoid being a disaster of a date if you get your 40 winks on the side, so?"

"Sarah, that will have absolutely no influence on me. You'll have your time slot in front of the Gold Fish financiers just the same as everyone else, but, um, what might you say in a super short and concise text to Ernie then, hmm?"

"Oh, you know, something like "dear Ernie, Tobi is working hard and looking pretty hot with a whip ass headset with his deep red lips and red cheeks and looking like he needs a ride home later" or something like that, Tobi, so?"

Well, that wasn't very short and concise, but it sounded better than "dear Ernie, Tobi is drooling for a sexually charged embrace with you because you're crushing on him and it should be an embrace where there is a lot of squirming and worming and bumping and humping and grinding and binding or maybe even a little squeezing and wheezing" or things like that, right? Not that is my mission statement or anything.

"OMG, Tobi, even I haven't done that much in one embrace before!"

Oh, was I mumbling out loud, folks, tee he?

"But I made some notes, so, what is your advice for me so I can snatch a financial deal with one of the traveling Gold Fish, hmm, Tobi? I have to snag hook a deal for my startup business."

"Sarah, I'm bound to show secrecy since my family is so involved with it, so, all I can say to you is to just be yourself, be polite, always look the Gold Fish financiers in the eyes when you speak to them, keep your startup company pitch to the point and concise and always, always, use the flight attendant two finger method of pointing if you have to point at your goods display of props. Also, I'm pretty bound up tight tonight with a small and tight sports bra, if Ernie is interested to know that, so?"

You see, folks, sometimes buying things that are two sizes too small just doesn't work. I mean, it does at pool parties like every single time, but when you need to breath and breath freely, not so much.

"[Tap, tap, tap] dear Ernie, FYI, Tobi will have no choice tonight but to swallow hard and fast to keep breathing and he might be into a little bondage, the end, send. So, Tobi, what's my angle for the TV show appearance then, hmm? I have to reel in a Gold Fish financial deal tonight to grow my business and that's that, so?"

"Oh, well, you didn't hear this from me, Sarah, but if you're on stage and you start to feel that you might be losing the interest of Gold Fish, Mr. Questionable, try tossing it out there that your "dessert in a jar" product may have a home in the center of one of his other food delivery service boxes businesses and just because I once posted a duct tape selfie on my Chang page, I mean, I'm not into bondage! Every Trap and Tranny posts a duct taped selfie sooner or later, so?"

I mean, every Tranny and Trap posts a duct tape selfie sooner or later, right? It's a gimmick. Tee he.

"Anyways, Sarah, officially, I have nothing to do with it, but I may have already purchased pre-packaged Mr. Questionable food gift box and placed your dessert jar right in the middle of it, just in case that will help you seal a deal and said pre-planned promo prop might be hidden under the black satin cloth on your prop table later, so, I mean, has Ernie texted you back yet, hmm?"

So, Sarah actually has a solid shot at winning a Gold Fish deal since her "dessert in a jar" are so darn gooey good with two layers of dessert cakes and a lot of fruit above and below them and they are popular in and around Middleton, but they need a warning on the label that clearly states that the next size up belt is in your future if you're a repeat customer. Just ask Betty at the Belt Shop on the Strip.

"[Click] Tobi, there are a couple of guys beating on the back door claiming that they know you and they would like a quick word with you. Also, since I met you yesterday at rehearsals, I'm assuming that lots of guys want to claim you, so, five minutes and no more. The show must go on [click]."

Ahh, boss lady stage manager, Rita. Who actually seems pretty nice for someone who has to keep a TV show flowing.

"[Click] and Tobi, stop bending over in those shorts in front of the other stage hands or we'll be taping an entirely different type of TV show that can't be shown on TV! Well, unless it's a prison TV [click]."

I mean, the stage hands were the ones who kept dropping stuff and when you're just the backstage flunky with a straight brim ballcap and with cuffs rolled up to here, I mean, I was expected to pick it up, I guess. Or they were all fags, either way, my ponytail always managed to flip over my shoulder as I bent over to pick up stuff, so.

"Josh! Ben! What are you two doing here bothering me while I'm working the backstage and ruining relationships with literally all of the traveling stage hands, hmm? I can't let you two inside of the auditorium like this, so, what do you want, hmm?"

"Tobi, we're your oldest friends, so we at least deserve tickets for the audience, so?"

Well, you see folks, it's a TV show and the audience tickets are free! But it is by first come, first served and controlled by, tee he, by the sidewalk guy, rude Jude, with a headset who controls the line of people and searches the crowd for what he thinks are the beautiful people for the audience. And since Josh has actually grown into a somewhat handsome guy, I mean, I listened to his pitch.

"And we're not leaving until we get what we want and we want audience tickets, Tobi! Also, whew, why didn't you ever dress like this on our game days, huh? And just when did your legs shape up like this, huh?"

Well, I was just the skinny kid who had limited clothing and limited makeup skills back then and now, I'm the less skinny guy with a full closet that busts at the seams and a good understanding of what makeup can do! Um, not less skinny, um, more sculpted, that's where my body is, nicely sculpted. Which is for you to judge, I guess. Also, speaking of splitting at the seams, that split screen photo survey of me on Chang is a real vs. a modified photo with how I might look with slightly, um, thicker thighs, so, as they say, vote!

"Shut it, Josh, but I'll see what I can do about getting you on the "beautiful people" audience list with rude Jude. Now, say something else nice about my appearance tonight, admit what you and Ben used to do after I left your house and then be gone to the front of the building!"

"[Grumble, mumble] Tobi, um, you've grown into all of this very nicely and Ben and I never ever did anything afterwards that you didn't start! And for some stupid reason, OMG, I feel that I have to say "the end" and we were your best fags! Friends, I meant, best friends, so?"

"Well, what did you expect, Josh? Did the two of you guys expect me to stand there in between the two of you and smile? And I mean after the first time since that's when I learned my lesson with you two happy whackers!"

I mean, so what if it was a little mesmerizing and hypnotizing to stand in the middle of what I would call dual super speed solo actions, hmm? I mean, it was more about how their hand speed must have hurt their other game controllers than anything else. The end except for OMG, it was turning them purple! And I never saw a couple of purple mushrooms before, so.

"Well, I already said that you started it, Tobi and by the way, Ben and I didn't turn our backs on you! You abandoned us after you found out online what "let's get jiggy" meant and you became all afraid that we were going to try, um, tee he, hey, Tobi, your workouts are really working your legs into a really nice shape, so, tee he, hey, Tobi."

Oh, and by the way, nowhere online did I find anything that said "getting jiggy" was another way of saying "stand there and watch us happily whack off to your legs or take a gang banging" or anything like that, so.

[A slow roll up behind the auditorium, stop and beep, beep]

"OMG, Tobi, you and Ernie? I absolutely object if you're violating my signature "squirm and worm" move with Ernie!"

"Hush, Josh! Sarah set it up and I'm just being polite and there isn't even enough time for a squeeze and wheeze move, so, anyways, get up front and I'll talk to rude Jude and get you and Ben inside, but behave yourselves!"

[Beep, honk, beep, Tobi checks for approval from the bossy boss lady]

"[Click] Big Red One Rita, informing that I'm out back dealing with audience issues because of the sidewalk guy, rude Jude, over [click]"

"[Click] Big Red One Rita back to Tobi Moby Dick, make it quick and take a car around the front of the building if possible. The first taping starts in 20 minutes [click]."

Well, she said it, so.

[Sedan door opens and closes]

"Hi, Ernie, I wasn't expecting to see you until later, so, um, my time is super short, but, um, tee he, it's too bad that there isn't enough space between your body and your steering wheel, tee he, since you seem to be pitching a tent in your pants for me, tee he, or are you just planning on pitching a startup business pitch to the lady Gold Fish on stage, tee he, hmm?"

[Grr, grr, stupid power seats switch, grr, grr, plenty of space now, grr, grr]

"You were saying, Tobi, huh?"

Switches! Switches are the problem, folks!

Anyways, it wasn't a disaster since I guess that I did start it. Besides, practice makes for perfect, right? And I was way over the disaster of the "ewe" taste after my first time with Rock on my couch and then I also was way past the "icky" consistency of it after, well, after just then, since that was my second time, so, what?

"Tobi, that was "ahh" great. I mean, I never thought that you would need a ride home tonight since I figured that you drove down here, so, ahh."

"[Gulp, swallow, gulp] Ernie, um, tee he, that was smart of you, so, um, don't you dare dump me now! At least wait until after we get jiggy, which I will do with you soon, so?"

"Jiggy? Tee he, is someone pitching a time travel machine to the Gold Fish judges tonight, Tobi?"

"[Click] show time in 5 people! Stay sharp and frosty [click]."

"Anyways, Tobi, I'm not going to abandon you just yet, but um, why is there an ambulance parked back here then, huh? Did a stage hand drop a light bar or something?"

"LOL, no, Ernie, the ambulance was required earlier when the second stage manager in charge got into an argument with Peacock Penny about how many TV minutes her 107 petite promo Lil Ladies were going to get prior to the show and then Peacock Penny stabbed Lydia in the boob with a peacock feather tip, which punctured a saline boob bag and swoosh, funky liquid started to pour out! Which is also why the Dry-Cleaning van is parked back here too!"

"WTF, Tobi?"

"Oh, that woman had a bad boob job anyways, Ernie, so she needed a refreshening and I need to get going, um, regrets then?"

Hah! Guys never have regrets within two minutes of losing a nut, right? I'll ask him again later.

'[Click] rude Jude, do you have my guys covered? I texted a photo of said two nerds, so?"

"[Click] Tobi my Hobi, I got your two sugar cakes taken care of and I'm eyeing them up for a chance with the sound and lighting check chicks, but you owe me now! Also, are there any open seats at your next game day, sweet stuff because that sounds like the place to be, over [click]?"