Too High a Price

It took her a moment to come up with a proposal. It wasn't one she liked.

"I could quit my job," Susan suggested tentatively. "I'll find a job somewhere else," she continued unhappily.

Her voice betrayed how much the offer hurt her. She was very proud of the things she'd accomplished at the law firm. She recalled regretfully how well she'd been doing. There wouldn't be any partnerships coming her way now though.

"You would?" Early asked, coming back down a step.

"Yes," Susan said, biting off the word as if speaking it caused her physical pain.

"Why would you bother doing that?" Early asked with mock wonder in his voice.

"What?" Susan said in shocked reply. She didn't know if her husband was rejecting her solution or not. It didn't sound good though.

"Why…bother?" Early repeated, one word at a time. "There'd be a "John Stickner" there too…and you'd find a need to "repay" him someday," he said in a dead tone.

"I would not!" Susan retorted indignantly. "Early…this was a huge mistake, honey," she said firmly, "I know that now…and I'll never make it again, darling," she added sincerely.

Early didn't respond while he considered what his wife had said.

"No, dear…I think you would," Early replied at length. "And even if you didn't, Susan, I could never be quite certain, could I?" he asked. The misery in his voice was clear. He climbed back up the step he'd just come down, and stepped up another before pausing again.

"You've taken something that was incredibly beautiful, Susan," he said slowly, "and you smashed it so completely I don't think it can ever be put it back together again. We might glue all the pieces back together, but the cracks where it shattered would always be there…and we'd both know it." He let a small silence build.

"Damn it, Susan," he said with a universe of agony in his tone. "You planned this…it isn't something like you letting passion get the better of you one night. It wasn't a mistake…you knew exactly what you were doing every step of the way. You deliberately decided to take a little vacation from our marriage and you worked hard to make it happen. You manipulated me, Jennifer, your boss to get the time off, that poor temporary secretary…all of us, just to get what you wanted, Susan.

"Why did you do all that, dammit? I'm tired of these…nonsense reasons. You can tell yourself forever you were paying that asshole back for being a really good guy, but I'm not buying it, Susan, so you can quit trying.

"Susan, we've been married a while now. We've gotten to the point where we can guess what the other will say or do before we do it. So, wife, I know…I know just as surely as if I'd been there reading your mind whatever day it came to you…you got the idea one day you'd like to try Mr. John Stickner on for size, didn't you?

"Maybe a naughty thought flicked through your mind one afternoon when he bent close and you caught a whiff of his cologne? Maybe? Or perhaps you saw how powerful a man he was in the firm…how influential he is around town? Was that it?

"How'd it start, Susan? Did he touch your arm once and you not pull away? The next time…the next time he stroked your forearm gently, and you let him, didn't you? Is that the way it started, Susan?"

Susan couldn't answer accusation. She sobbed quietly in the dimness.

"Whatever…I guess it really doesn't matter, does it?" Early said, more or less indifferently.

"Fact is…you built your little daydream a little bit at a time, didn't you? No one else knew about your fantasy…not at first anyway. You told yourself those secret little dreams wouldn't hurt anything, or anyone…and pretty soon you believed it, didn't you?

"No harm--no foul, right? Hmmmmm? It was just a naughty little fantasy about him and you…about soft summer days and hot, sweaty nights, eh? How romantic can you get, right?" Early snorted derisively.

"Then, one day, a notion came to you. Viola! Heck, it was easy when you thought about it. You wondered why it took so long to come to you. All you had to do was wait until I was out of the picture for a day or two.

"You know how my job works. You knew I'd have to go out of town sooner or later, didn't you? Then I wouldn't be in the way… then I couldn't stop you from something that was "meant to be," right? Was that the way it went…darling?"

Susan moaned quietly.

"Yeah, it was…or something awfully similar, huh?" Early remarked gloomily. He was suddenly tired of the farce.

"Anyway…the idea of having a little "fling" got to you and you waited for the opportunity while you rationalized to yourself why you were doing it.

"You know…there's something I wonder about, Susan. It's simply this…how many excuses went through your head until you found one that fit what you wanted to do. "I had to repay him." That's what you're telling me, right?

"What kind of crap is that, Susan?" Early asked plaintively. "Christ, Susan, no one smart enough to be an attorney in this town…much less one as good as you are…could actually buy that line, but you want me to believe it…so you can feel better about yourself, I guess."

Early checked his words for a moment. He was breathing hard and fast, his feelings of betrayal and anger at his wife's deceit were getting the best of him again.

"Damn it, Susan, did you even wait until my plane was even off the ground before you packed your overnight bag, Susan? No? Yes? Which was it, Susan?" His wife could only shake her head as she cried.

"Oh, I see. Heck, you didn't actually take that much clothing, did you? It wouldn't have taken long…it would've been quick to throw a few skimpy things in a bag and go, right? You could have left off packing right to the last minute, couldn't you?

"What else? Oh. You probably set up Jennifer's time off earlier in the week, didn't you? You arranged for a temp at the same time, prompted her on what to say if I called…and then you flopped on your back, spread your legs, and let John Stickner have at it," Early finished.

Susan cried harder. There was no way she could refute what her husband was saying. It wasn't accurate. It wasn't right and it hadn't been the way she was feeling at the time, but there was nothing she could say to make things better.

Early slowly climbed a few more steps up the long flight of stairs.

"What I said this morning, Susan?" he called down. He couldn't see his wife…he didn't want to see her right now. There was a muffled response he took as an acknowledgement from her.

"Well…I think I was wrong," Early told her dejectedly.

Susan's heart seemed to stop beating in her breast. She held her breath, dreading what she was suddenly certain she was about to hear.

"I thought about it all the while I was here waiting for you the past two nights and couldn't get much of anywhere. I thought I had things straight in my mind but I guess a little drinking loosened up my thinking, you know?" Early said unhappily. He paused.

"Like I said, I got to thinking about what a callous little plan it was that you set up, Susan. I thought it all the way through and I realized I didn't know much about you, wife, and what I did know, I didn't like. I had no idea you could do such a thing to me…none at all. It floored me, Susan. I just can't get past the cold-blooded manipulation, Susan.

"When I looked at everything you did, and began to understand how it went down, how you did all that preparation, and scheduling, and arranging things…My God, Susan!" Early's voice broke and he paused for a long moment.

"I just don't know where the outright…contempt…you must have for me to do this thing. And then all the deliberate, calculated lying…the deceit…well, I'm sorry but it's done something to me, Susan.

"I suppose I still love you. I probably do…I guess…maybe. Heck, I'm not even sure I know what love is anymore, Susan, but I know what you've been doing behind my back isn't it."

Early stood silent on the stairs and listened to his wife cry in the darkness. It affected him less than he'd thought it would. He roused himself.

"Anyway," he continued, "I won't use love as an excuse to forget the total lack of…respect…is that the word? I don't know…heck, it'll do. What I won't do is use love as an excuse to tolerate…to get over your complete lack of "respect" for me and for our marriage, Susan."

He climbed four more steps, lifting each foot deliberately and carefully. He stopped only one step from the landing.

"Susan," he said in a more formal tone than he'd ever used before with his wife, "I have to take back what I said this morning. I don't think this is going to work out. I don't think there's any way on earth I will feel good about you ever again. Actually…right this minute…I don't think all the years we have left on Earth will put us right again, Susan."

His voice turned raspy and gruff.

"And, honey, I'm sorry, but…I'm not willing to try either," Early told his wife.

He heard Susan's crying gain strength as he took the last step. He weighed what was in his mind. This next part didn't have to be said just now. In the morning, things might feel different…maybe?

No…actually, they wouldn't.

"Susan…" he said slowly and carefully. It was the only way he could maintain control.

"Susan," he continued, "I think it would be a good idea for you to move out tomorrow…or as soon as you can."

There was no sound save for Susan's hopeless sobbing. It went on for a long time without either of the couple attempting to end it. Early couldn't see his wife, nor she him. There was no need to see each other to feel the pain.

"I'm so very sorry, Susan," Early whispered softly, his words drifting down the long stairwell to his wife. He stepped across the landing to the room where he'd moved his personal things.

"Love isn't going to be enough this time, Susan. It would eat at me until I had nothing left of myself. I can't do it. The cost would just be too much."

He closed the door and locked it behind him.

End

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Author's note: It's become trendy to try to tack on a different ending to other writers' works. I resisted the urge for a long time, but a fearful madness overcame me one morning and I thought I'd see what I could do with a classic work of The Troubador's.

From the start, I thought I had an obligation to stay true to the facts set up in the original storyline, to keep the characters as The Troubador developed them as best I could, and to try to use dialogue similar to the way the characters spoke in the original. I don't think I succeeded in all that, but I tried. At the same time, I thought Early needed to "grow" a little in order to supply a resolution to the conundrum The Troubador posed for us. Thus, Early morphed into a slightly different man than he originally was…or did he? Personally, I think the man he became was there all along. I hope The Troubador will forgive me for taking Early a little beyond himself and excuse the other liberties I've taken with his story.

LH