Trench Coat Love

Two days later John strolled into my room smiling. "You look great Judy." He had the same grin I always remembered with his nose crinkling up. "I don't know what I expected, but you look as though you could get up and leave your bed any second." He squeezed my arm. "I suppose the worst pain is inside. I can't believe all the things you must have seen. You're so brave, you and all the others. Everyone is talking about it. Even the President made a special speech about the killings." He shook his head. "Can you believe it, Richfield is now in the national news."

He kept talking and I listened, holding tight to my ruby red ring and thinking how he hadn't changed. He could still talk like lightning.

When he slowed down, I opened my hand and showed him the ring. He laughed. "You still have it. We've been through hell together Judy, but we have each other, don't we."

"We sure do. I have something to tell you John."

"Great. You must have so many things that you remember. I bet some of the reporters would love to talk to you. Would you like me to record your ideas?" He pulled out a small tape recorder and pressed the record button.

"This is really just for you John." He didn't stop the recorder so I continued anyway. "Something bad did happen to me."

His smile fell to be replaced with a sympathetic look. "I know Judy. This had been a horrible ordeal. I'm sure it will take a while before you are yourself again."

"You don't understand. I'll never be myself again." I pulled the sheet away from the stump that had once been a shoulder. "Look John!! Have a look at this! I'll never have an arm again. I'll never do handstands or be a cheerleader or so many other things."

John didn't talk much after that and tried not to stare at my stump. The bandage was off so he could see the small finger of flesh stuck in the center of the raw meat. It had nerve endings and I would be able to move it in a few weeks; a wonderful thing my doctor said. But none of it was wonderful to John. I could see the green color in his face and my heart reached out to him. It must have been terrible to find this out so suddenly. Maybe, I should have hinted at it first.

"You better sit down." I pointed at a metal chair nearby. "You look as though you're going to throw up."

He sat down looking at his hands and neither of us talked but I was thinking like I always did now. I couldn't turn off the movies and sound tracks that played continuously in my head. They were about everything – the past, the killings, and how my life had changed forever. When I thought about my arm, this fog would slip across my eyes and then I would think of something else. It was just too painful otherwise.

John smiled and I thought of the old John who was able to handle everything and had an answer for every problem. He didn't have an answer this time. It was the same way with my parents. I was in this dark place that I would never ever escape and they kept thinking that I could save them. I was the one with the pain and yet they stared at me with these hopeful expressions. What did everyone want from me? I sighed, thinking how hard it all was – the black nightmares and the need to be so strong, not for myself, but for everyone else. I wondered when I would be able to simply let go and feel again.

"It's not that bad," I said breaking the awkward silence. "I still have my right arm and the doctor will start fitting me for an artificial one soon. You know me. I'm the plucky one. Remember our old saying, 'Plucky was lucky and kept on going.' Well, that's me all right." I looked at John knowing that I had told the biggest lie of my life.

The chair scraped when he stood up. "I better get going Judy. It's been good to see you. Best of luck. You are certainly the plucky one." He wiped a sleeve across his eyes and left.

I stared at the door where John had disappeared and my thoughts spun around again. I was definitely thinking too much these days and my thoughts were of love and what it was and what it wasn't. I had a lot to learn. I thought of Lanny, blown to bits in the cafeteria bomb. We had a lot in common now. I was an outsider too.

The fake ruby red ring hit the wall across from my bed, and plopped into the large gray waste basket. I should go out for basketball I thought with shooting like that. Of course, I'd need two arms.

I heard a whirring sound and noticed the small recorder John had brought. The little red light glowed as it recorded the silence of the afternoon. I sang one of my favorite Eric Clapton songs. "Nobody knows you when you're down and out ..."

I didn't expect the principal to visit me -- after all he was resigning. It wasn't his fault the killings happened, but after the killers' parents were vilified in the media, someone needed to take the blame. The principal received the lion's share of the condemnation. Many people thought that he should have taken better precautions against violence. I figured it was the boys' fault. They pulled the triggers and set the bombs. Of course that hooded man held some of the responsibility. I hadn't told anyone about him yet, but I kept thinking and wondering who he could have been. I knew that the police would be visiting me soon for a statement and I'd tell them all about it. Maybe, I was the only one who had seen him. Of course I never did see his face.

The principal stood tall beside my bed without saying anything for the longest time. He kept twisting his hands and clearing his throat. "I'm sorry all of this happened," he told me at last.

"It's not your fault. Those boys were sick."

His smile cheered me and I was suddenly glad he had come. "Do you remember much of what happened?" he asked.

I sighed. "It's such a fog sir with all the shooting and screaming. I remember Bill shooting Samuel and then Lanny showed up too. I must have passed out soon after that."

"Did you notice anything unusual?" He had such a kind expression on his face and it was good to feel his concern.

"The whole thing was unusual wasn't it? Teenage kids killing each other."

"Absolutely. What a tragedy. I'm just so worried about it. Sometimes I wonder what I could have done differently." His face seemed to droop and I thought he was going to cry.

"You can't strip search everyone. Christ! It's a school. We should be able to trust each other."

"I know." He wiped a hand across a forehead beaded with perspiration. "Did you see only Bill and Lanny doing the killing? No one else?"

Naturally, I remembered the hooded man, but felt uncomfortable talking about any of it. I'd talk to the police later. That was enough. "I'm tired sir. I just want to forget the whole thing. My counselor said that someday it will just be a horrible memory and the nightmares will go away."

"I'm sorry about the nightmares." His face was streaming water now, dripping off his chin. "It's hot in here. Mind if I take off my sweater?"

As I shook my head, he pulled off the woolen garment. It cleared his head and a chill entered my heart. Just barely visible near the edge of a slightly soiled sleeve was a pair of lightning bolts. Surely, this was a coincidence I thought. The principal couldn't be a cold blooded killer. It didn't make sense. Why would a grown man with a great job and wonderful family want to kill a bunch of high school children? That was crazy. There must be another explanation. Good people didn't do insane things like that. It was impossible. Of course the whole thing was nuts. Why would three boys with loving parents and all the advantages of the affluent want to kill either. It was so confusing to me.

"I hope you feel better soon," he said and my eyes stared into his green-gray ones. I remembered those eyes, except that the last time I had seen them, they had been behind a black hood.

The cleaning lady smelled like a combination of alcohol, stale cigarettes, and the sweet-sour odor of the unwashed. Normally, I'd hate having her in my room stirring up the dust, but today was different. She stared into my face when she first arrived and something in her eyes touched my heart. As unlikely as it sounded, I felt a kinship with her.

She wore big rubber boots that clopped against the linoleum when she walked, clicking as the metal straps flapped against each other. She was encased in a huge skirt decorated in faded brown paisley shapes. A large brown shawl covered her broad shoulders, yet still revealed her ample breasts straining against a pea-green blouse several sizes too small. I glanced at the doorway and noticed a wrinkled paper bag overflowing with papers and bits of cloth and pop cans.

"Lots of nice flowers you got," she said as she cleaned around the window. She bumped one of the boxes filled with correspondence. "Tons of letters. You're some kind of hero you know."

"I'm no hero. Just lucky to be alive."

"Being alive is pretty fine you know. I'm lucky too, almost got killed last night. Nobody much cares of course. Not like you. Everybody loves you."

"What happened?"

She stopped her cleaning and sat on one of the boxes of letters. "I live behind the hospital, out behind the green dumpster. I got me a nice little wooden box. Everybody knows my box and I been pretty safe and all you know. Most of us living out that way is kind and good. We don't have money like you, but we help each other and get along real nice you know. Well, the other night, I was scoping things out and I saw this like suitcase you know. Guess what was in it?"

"A dead body?" I said half in jest.

"Close. But, I didn't find out until later. I saw the suitcase, but this other guy, a new fellow seen the suitcase too. We both wanted it only he wanted it more and he was mean about it and all you know. He pushed me and I hit my head and liked to pass out." She pointed to a nasty bump and cut across her head.

"I'm so sorry. Did you have it treated?"

"They don't have no faucet outside so I come in to the hospital and used the restroom. Can't have a doctor look at it or anything. Don't have no money for that stuff. I'll be OK. I'm a tough old bird you know."

"What was in the suitcase?"

She shifted around and several letters fell to the floor. As she picked them up, she answered me. "The funny thing was, there wasn't much in the suitcase. I dunno what the guy was expecting, but not a hand that's for sure. That's what was in there – a hand. It was a black man's hand, all grizzled up and freaky looking. I started laughing when I saw it and that look on the fool's face. He dropped it like it was hot or something and started running. What did he expect, gold or something. Like anyone would put gold out in the old green dumpster. The best I ever found was my scarf here. I was into my lucky streak that day you know. I get like that sometimes, everything I do is lucky, like I can't do no wrong."

She continued talking and I lay back enjoying the quiet patter of her words and her light lisp. The sun was shining brightly through the window and I felt warm and sleepy. I started to drift off when the fear grabbed me again.

"I almost died today," I said.

"What! Here in the hospital? Got an infection or something?"

"No. I know a secret about someone and I'm afraid this guy will try to kill me. I'm not sure what to do. No one will probably even believe me anyway. It would be my word against his."

She leaped off the box, ignoring the envelopes spilling everywhere. I noticed a letter still clasped tightly in one hand and as she approached my bed, I felt a peacefulness spreading from her. I hadn't felt anything like that in a long time. "You can tell me deary," she said as she touched my arm. "I ain't saying I'm much. I've done my share of nastiness, but I can keep a secret."

So, I told her about the hooded man and how he was the principal and then about John and the fake ruby red ring. I was crying when I was done. She jumped up on my bed and began stroking my arm. I looked at her hand smudged with dirt and the smell that spread from her body and I didn't mind at all. Her hand felt so good and strong and warm.

"So what should I do?" I asked at last. "I don't want to get the principal angry or anything, unless the police will put him away for good."

"You gotta tell it all sweety," she said. "Can't just think of yourself anyways. There's lots of people been hurt by this thing. You can't let them down."

I nodded with a sinking feeling in my chest. I'd tell the police tomorrow and let the poison start raging again so everyone would know that sweet little boys couldn't do this on their own. It had to be some outside monster who caused such evil.

"I want to show you my stump," I said.

"Don't mind if you do," she said. "I seen lots of things and many ain't been good at all."

She didn't seem overly upset about my deformity. "Could be worse you know," she said finally. "You might've lost both arms or your legs you know. Gotta be thankful for what you got." She touched my face so I turned toward her. "You shown me yours and now I'll show mine too."

Her mouth opened to reveal black gums, no teeth. She pushed something out with her tongue and a long pink string of flesh dangled down her chin. "It just started growing one day like it had a mind of its own. Didn't know what to do, so I done nothing at all."

We stopped talking and simply sat together for over an hour enjoying the quiet and safety of each other.

"How about I reads you this letter?" She had such a sweet expression. "I think it's a real good one."

I nodded and she opened the letter, folded the wrinkled papers against the food tray, and started reading.

"Dear Judy, I heard about what happened to you two days ago on TV. Everyone is talking about how terrible things must be for you. I want to cheer you up, but I'm not sure what to say.

"I'm a high school student and my life has been terrible lately. My parents are getting a divorce and I feel like something has died inside of me. You know what I'm talking about don't you. I have hated school because everyone seemed so stupid and only cared about dumb things.

"My problems are nothing like yours though. I don't know how you do it. But maybe what happened has caused some good. Today, I was feeling bad again thinking of how nothing good existed in the world and how I wasn't ever safe or anything and this real great guy I always liked sat next to me. We didn't even talk or anything, just sat there sort of sensing each other. Then, he hugged me. That's all that happened, a little hug, but I felt good all day.

"I've been thinking about how precious all my friends are. They could disappear any minute and then where would I be."

I touched my left cheek with my good hand and felt a wetness. I stared into the bloodshot eyes of my new friend and felt her love and all the love from the people around the country. "What is happening?" I asked at last. "We are all so different and yet we do care for each other don't we?"

I felt her hands on my cheeks again. "It's love in the trenches, my dear."