tagHumor & SatireTwas The Night Before...

Twas The Night Before...

byJust Plain Bob©

With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore.


"Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring..."

...except for me and I was getting more and more pissed as I went from room to room looking for what should have been there. There should have been a wife and three children in the house, but they weren't.

I had been away from home working on a project that was in trouble. We had a hard target deadline and a contract that called for sanctions if the job wasn't finished on time. We were behind and I had been informed by corporate that going home for the holidays was not an option. I was going to miss Christmas with my family and I had not been happy about it. My wife had been very understanding and said that we would have our family Christmas celebration when I got home on the 5th of January. The kids of course would be able to open some presents on Christmas Day, but the major gift giving would take place when I got home.

I was resigned to eating my Christmas dinner at the Village Inn and spending a day in front of the TV watching one Christmas special after another when I got a phone call from my boss. The truck carrying the material we needed for the next four days work had slid off I-80 and had overturned. It would be three days before they could get another truck, transfer the load and get it to the job site so I could go home if I wanted as long as I made sure that I was back in three days.

I had gotten on the phone and started calling airlines to see if I could get a seat this close to the holiday. I got a "sorry" from all but one. They told me that they were booked solid, but had been experiencing a rash of cancellations and no-shows and that if I wanted to come out to the airport and get on the 'stand by list' I might be able to get on a flight. It was my lucky day - my Christmas present from the 'fates' - and I was able to get on a flight.

I had driven my car to the job site and since I wanted to surprise Shelly and the kids I didn't call for a ride and instead took a cab home.

"The stockings were hung..."

and the tree was set up in the corner of the family room and the kids had done a nice job of decorating it. There were presents under the tree and arranged around it and in my mind I could see the excitement on their faces as they looked at all the wrapped packages and tried to imagine what was inside.

"The children were nestled all snug in their beds..."

is what I found out when I called my parents house and talked to my mom to see if she knew where Shelly and the kids might be. Shelly had called her and asked if she could watch the kids for a while since I wasn't home she wanted to go out for dinner and drinks with some girls she went to college with. Since the plan had been to bring the kids over and open presents and have Christmas dinner there anyway my mom had suggested that the kids just go ahead and spend the night and Shelly had agreed. She had dropped them off at six and said she would see them in the morning.

I had my first bad thought of the day. Girls she had gone to college with? Shelly had dropped out half way into her sophomore year and in the twelve years we had been married not once had she mentioned or done anything with the "girls" she had gone to college with. Oh no; I was not thinking good thoughts.

"When out on..."

the driveway a car pulled in as evidenced by the headlights that swept across the living room window. I glanced at my watch and saw that it was ten after ten.

"I sprang up from..."

the couch and moved to the window and pulled the curtain aside and look out.

"The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow..."

showed quite clearly a man and a woman sitting in the car and making out like a couple of teenagers. The two held each other and swapped tongues for what seemed like an hour and while the windows of the car were not steaming up I was certainly becoming steamed. My jaw was clenching and my hands were curled so hard into fists that I was feeling pain in my forearms.

"When what to my wondering eyes should appear..."

but the man leaning back while the woman's head disappeared from view. It didn't take a brain surgeon or a rocket scientist to know what was going on.

"I knew in a moment..."

that the man was getting a blow job - a world class blow job as I well knew from all the ones Shelly had given me. I could see it in my mind. Her fingers plating with his balls as she licked his length and teased the head of his cock with her tongue before taking him in her mouth and working him until he was deep in her throat. I could imagine the thoughts that were roaring through his head

"as he whistled and shouted and called..."

on her to get him off and make him cum. I could almost feel the way he was going to feel when Shelly swallowed every last drop and then licked him clean.

"And then in a twinkling..."

I saw his head jerk back and I knew that he had just gotten his rocks off and a moment later her head came back up. Some words were exchanged and then I saw both the passenger and driver's door open and I knew that they were coming into the house. I left the window and headed for the basement where I kept all my sports gear. I debated using my nine iron or my putter, but then thought, "No, I'll bend the shafts for sure and ruin a perfectly good club." I decided instead to use my aluminum baseball bat - a little on the side of overkill - but the mood I was in right then overkill was good.

I heard the front door open and the two of them come in. I heard murmurs as the two of them moved through the house toward the stairs that led upstairs to the bedrooms and I wondered if she was going to take him on our bed or use one of the kid's rooms. Let them get naked and on the bed, I thought, and let them get started on their mating. That way my entrance would likely go unnoticed until I was close enough to get a really good swing with the bat.

I quietly moved up the stairs and paused at the top of the steps. I heard the moans coming from our bedroom and my jaw tightened. As I moved quietly down the hall I was thinking of all the things I would need to do when I was finished in the bedroom. In order to do most of them I was going to have to find a good place to hide until the day after Christmas. I had no doubt that the police would end up involved when I got done with the asshole in my bedroom and on my bed. I couldn't do any of the things I needed to do from a jail cell so I had to stay out of custody until at least 10 AM on the day after the holiday. That should give me enough time to clean out the bank accounts and the safe deposit box. I could probably reach the customer service desks on Christmas Day to cancel the credit cards.

But there wouldn't be anything I could do to prevent Shelly from getting the kids. I had never hit a woman and as much as I might want to I wasn't going to start with Shelly. Just seeing me wail on her lover while she thought she was going to be next is what I would have to settle for so she would be physically able to go get the kids while I was in jail. I debated just tossing the two of them out of the house and then going and getting the kids, but then I realized that the way the courts were Shelly would end up getting them anyway so I might as well get my pound of flesh.

As I got closer to the bedroom door I decided to wait until I heard them cumming before breaking up their little party. Only fitting I thought, giving them the most pain at the instant they were enjoying the most pleasure. I moved up to the edge of the door and then stood with my back to the wall and listened to what was going on in the bedroom. She was moaning and making sharp little cries and I heard him say:

"Damn baby, you are tight. I don't understand it. As much as I fuck you and for as long as I have been fucking you you should be loose enough that I don't have to fight my way in."

For as much and as long? How long had it been going on? Jesus H. Christ! I had no inkling. Never had a clue. But I did spend a lot of time on out of town projects and that did give her lots of time to play. I thought that I had a good, solid marriage, but it sure looked like I had been fooling myself.

"Oh yeah baby; push baby push. Push back and take my cock deep."

The "slap, slap, slap" of flesh meeting flesh came from the room and it was disquieting as hell. "I'm almost there" he said and I got a good grip on the bat. Just as I was ready to move away from the wall and turn and go through the door into the bedroom my cell phone went off. I had set it on vibrate before leaving the basement because I didn't want a ringing cell phone upsetting my plans. Who the hell would be calling me this late on Christmas Eve? I pulled the phone out of my pocket and saw that the number on the screen was Shelly's cell number. Was the bitch calling me so she could talk to me while her lover fucked her? Is that how she got her jollies?

I slipped into the room across the hall, quietly closed the door and then answered the phone.


"Hi baby. Your mom just told me you called and said you were home."

"Where are you?"

"I'm at your parent's house. Where are you?"

"I'm home."

"At the house?"


"You need to get out of there and come over here and you need to do it right now."


"Because I gave my sister a Christmas present. Since you were supposed to be gone and I'm spending the night here I told Kelly that she and Brian could use our place tonight instead of having to take a hotel room. I'm letting her borrow the house for a night. You need to get out of there and get over here so you don't ruin their night."

I looked down at the baseball bat I had leaned against the wall when I opened the phone and mumbled, "Ruin their night, oh yeah; I wouldn't want to ruin their night. See you in a few."

"Hurry baby, I've got a present I want to give you" she said and then she giggled, "but you can't be too noisy or you might wake your parents up. Love you baby."

"Love you too."

As I closed the flip phone I knew what I was going to give myself for Christmas. I was going to keep to myself what I had almost done. No way would Shelly be the least bit happy with me if she knew the thoughts I'd been having since that car had pulled into the driveway. I could see it all now.

"You thought I was what? You can just go sleep in the garage you asshole!"

I very quietly got out of the house, got my ten speed out of the garage and set off on the three mile ride to my parent's house. As I pedaled out of the driveway...

"I exclaimed ere I rode out of sight, Merry Christmas Kelly and Kevin and have a good night."

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byJust Plain Bob© 21 comments/ 53684 views/ 13 favorites

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by moblane06/11/18

Very Cool

A good a one-pager as I have ever read on this site. Well written, I love your stories.

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