Two Halves or a Whole?

* * * * *

"He's dating, Jen."

"Pete?"

"Yeah."

"How are you doing with that?"

Gwyn sighed. "I hate it."

"Yeah. Are you okay though?"

"I have to be, right? I gave up any claim on his heart."

"You have to accept it, but it doesn't mean you have to like it."

"I think I'm stuck in the Friend Zone. Or maybe even the Acquaintance Zone."

"Oh."

"Yeah. I mean, it's been so great to see Pete not grinding his teeth and shooting lasers at me with his eyes. But I really miss being able to hug him and tickle him and kiss on him and just burrow into his chest and wrap him up so tight."

Jenny was quiet for a moment. "Hang in there, Gwyn. You knew this could happen, right?"

"I know. I just miss him so much. And I know I'm the best person for him, but he doesn't know that, and I'm so scared he'll settle for someone safer who won't treasure him like I do, and then we'll never be together." Gwyn's voice broke.

"Remember that he fell in love with you once. And there's probably a lot of that left in that man still. He just has to believe he can trust you again."

"Yeah."

They didn't say anything for a few beats. Jenny finally broke the silence.

"You know that he'd be very lucky to love you again."

"I don't know about that."

"You aren't the same person, Gwyn. And you will be ferocious in protecting his heart from now on. Just keep doing what you're doing. He'll see. He's a smart guy, and he really does love you. Otherwise he wouldn't have been so hurt."

"I'm never going to live that down, am I?"

"No. But that doesn't mean you can't build something else wonderful with him. Stay patient, girlfriend. You deserve your great love, and the universe will see that it happens. Trust him."

"I hope you're right, Jen. I don't know how I could live another fifty years without him."

"You'll always have him, cuz. The only question is how."

"Yeah. It's already better than what it was. It's just not everything I want."

"We don't always get what we want."

"Gee, thanks for that, Jen," Gwyn laughed.

"But sometimes we do. Don't give up hope, and don't stop fighting for it."

* * * * *

Pete nibbled at the sole. It was as tasty as always, but he was surprised that he didn't have much of an appetite.

This was his third date with Nicole. They met at a happy hour -- she was a friend of a friend of Mark's, and she had just moved to the area for work. She was a product manager for an industrial glass manufacturer. Nicole was taller than most women, copper-haired with hazel eyes and an athletically-trim figure. Pete learned that she liked cycling, so he invited her to ride with his group, even if he wasn't quite yet back on his bike. Nicole appreciated the intro, then suggested she treat him to dinner for his trouble. After exchanging contact info they met for dinner and a coffeehouse concert by a local singer-songwriter, then a romcom movie and dessert a few nights later. They kissed tentatively after the first date and made out at her front door for nearly five minutes after the second. She was a very good kisser.

"So," she said, smiling as she put her wine glass down. "Any old girlfriends I need to worry about?"

"Hardly. Where did that come from?"

Nicole shrugged and smiled again. "I like you. The way you were going after my tonsils the other night makes me think you like me. I'm just interested to know about your dating history."

"Well, I was married once."

"Really?" That surprised her. "High-school sweetheart?"

"No. After college. We were married about three years."

"What happened? If you don't mind me asking."

"She got drunk and slept with a friend."

Nicole grimaced. "I bet that hurt."

"You have no idea."

"How long have you been divorced?"

"A little more than two years now."

"Anyone else in the picture since then?"

"I've dated some. No one for very long. I've been having trouble with trust."

"Can't really blame you."

"What about you? Any old boyfriends haunting your dreams?"

"Nope. I've been pretty lucky. High school boyfriend and I broke up by mutual agreement before starting college. I had a couple relationships in college but we split amicably. Nobody serious since graduating though. Moving around for work doesn't help much."

"So what are you looking for in a guy?"

"Someone to have fun with. Get a nice connection going without a lot of drama. This probably won't be my last stop, so I'm not looking to get serious."

"Sounds perfect to me."

Pete was suddenly hungry again. And the sole was tasty.

* * * * *

"I think he might be getting serious about Nicole."

"The redhead? Why do you think that?" Jenny asked. It was their usual Sunday afternoon call.

"I saw them out again at that bistro he likes."

"Are you seriously stalking him?"

Gwyn was quiet for a moment. "I just ache when I go too long without seeing him, Jen."

"Do you have a chance to spend time with him?"

"Some," Gwyn sighed. "We get coffee a couple times a week when he's in town, and I usually get invited for happy hours that he goes to. But lately Nicole has been going too. I don't want him to think of me as a third wheel, so whenever she shows up I take off."

"How is he when you're together?"

"It's pretty good. We even laugh together now. There are times when I just feel him let go of all his hurt. It doesn't last long, and his guard goes up again, but for a little while it's just like it was. This is almost worse than him being pissed at me."

"You don't mean that."

Gwyn sighed. "No, I don't. I'm so glad to have him in my life again. I missed him so much, and even if this is all we ever are to each other I'll be grateful. But you know when you want something so badly and it's just there but not quite in reach? That's how it feels."

"I'm sorry, sweetie."

"Me too. I just want him to find his way back to me."

* * * * *

Pete already knew it, but Nicole reminded him that he wasn't much of a friends-with-benefits kind of guy. Nicole was very pretty, and she enjoyed sex, but without the lingering touch of a hand on the hip or a squeeze of a forearm or even a tickling poke in the ribs it was just fucking. Good fucking -- she was very active, even preferring to take charge, and her lithe body shimmied and surged in the most delightful ways -- but it was just fucking nonetheless.

They spent most Saturday nights together after their bike rides, but he was starting to look for reasons to skip the evening playtime, and she seemed okay with it too. After their fifty-mile ride one afternoon he decided to address the matter directly.

"Dinner tonight, Pete?"

"I don't think so, Nicole. I'm thinking maybe we need a break."

Her eyebrows lifted in surprise. "Really? Getting tired of my tricks already?"

"God, no! You're a great lover." She didn't really rock him like that, but Pete wasn't mean. "I'm just looking for more of an emotional connection. That's not really us."

"Ah. I was upfront about what I was looking for, and you said you were okay with that."

"And I was. This isn't me being ungrateful or accusing you of bait-and-switch. Now that I'm feeling a bit more confident I'm looking for something more than a physical relationship. You've been straight with me, and I really do appreciate it."

"Okay, then. Cool. I also appreciate your candor. You'll make a good partner for someone, Pete. I'm just not looking for that."

"I know. See you next Saturday for a ride?"

"Of course. Enjoy the week."

And that was that.

But it did leave him alone for dinner.

* * * * *

Gwyn felt restless. Saturday nights were a particular challenge. She tried to wear herself out at the gym, but the thought of Pete out with Nicole made her nervous, and that anxiety made it hard to quiet down. She'd made vegetarian chili for dinner, and now she'd cleaned the kitchen and it was still not quite eight o'clock.

She hadn't seen Pete since their Wednesday afternoon coffee. She'd been invited to join Thursday happy hour with some of his colleagues, but when she arrived at Lilly's she saw Nicole sitting next to Pete, so she bailed. She was missing him, but she didn't want to make things awkward for him.

Then again, maybe it wasn't the worst thing if he thought of her during a date with Nicole.

► hungry 4 ice cream. feel like baskin-robbins? ill buy

Gwyn didn't expect a reply, so she put down her phone and turned on her TV. She thought about watching "The Big Sick," but then again tonight she felt like something darker. Maybe "Us." Or "A Quiet Place." The phone's soft ding caught her attention.

► sure. meet u there in 20

A huge smile burst across her face, and she raced to get out of her sweats and into her jeans. She pulled on a thin sweater that complemented her boobs and grabbed the old barn jacket that Pete had given her before they were married. Her body was thrumming, so she took some deep measured breaths to calm herself.

Gwyn beat Pete by about five minutes, and she snagged the booth farthest from the door. She saw him pull up, so she pretended to scroll on her phone until he came through the doors, and then she couldn't contain a brilliant smile. She stood and bounced softly on her toes as he walked over to her.

"Hey," Gwyn said, giving him a quick hug with an extra squeeze. She couldn't help it.

"Hi, Gwyn." Pete had a smile that bordered on a smirk. His eyes even seemed amused, which just thrilled her even more.

"Chocolate almond and Jamoca Fudge?"

"Of course."

"Cone or dish?"

He made a mock frown. "Really?"

"Cone it is." Her smile dazzled. She was so excited that they were teasing each other! She rushed off to get their ice cream.

Pete slid into the booth and watched her. She was animated as she ordered, and she joked with the teenage girl in the garish uniform behind the counter. Gwyn was so engaging that people struggled to resist her. He felt the pull she always exerted on him. He could watch her for hours and without his interest waning.

She returned with his cone stacked high and a messy handful of napkins. He looked askance at her single scoop in a dish. Gwyn shrugged. "Fat-free frozen yogurt."

"That seems hardly worth the trip."

"I'm working too hard to give up my figure."

"I always liked your figure."

Her smile went incandescent. He was flirting with her! Even Pete had to grin at her unabashed joy. He liked making her feel good.

"Why don't you have a date on a Saturday night?" It was masochistic, but Gwyn couldn't help asking.

"Maybe I do."

She smiled bravely, but her confidence took a hit. "Well, in any case I'm glad you could fit me in."

"Maybe I'm fitting in my date around a trip for ice cream."

My God but he could make her flush! She couldn't suppress a giggle. He smiled, fully aware of how she was responding to him. He felt a little guilty playing with her like this, but not too guilty to stop.

"Where are you going later?"

"Home."

Gwyn's sad eyes betrayed her game smile.

"Netflix and chill?"

"Probably. Thinking of watching "Hereditary." Have you seen it?"

It was her turn to give him the mock frown, and she threw in an eye roll for good measure.

Pete laughed. "Of course you have. Would you like to see it again?"

"Definitely. I was leaning towards watching "Us" again, but "Hereditary" is a good thought."

Pete smiled at Gwyn, because he saw that they were on different conversational wavelengths. He watched her.

His steady gaze pleased Gwyn. She always liked when he paid her his full attention. His gaze didn't falter though, which confused her. Why did he look at her like he expected something? She reviewed their banter. They talked about movies. They both liked horror flicks. He was going home with a date to watch "Hereditary." She was going to watch "Us." He asked her if she had seen "Hereditary." Was he annoyed that she rolled her eyes? He asked if she wanted to see it again. Wait -- what? Did he just ask her to watch the movie with him? He was smiling now, did he mean it that way? She better be sure.

"Did you mean you wanted to watch it together?"

"Unless you have plans."

"NO! I mean, I don't have plans. I'd love to watch it with you."

"Cool. Better finish your ice cream."

"Fat-free frozen yogurt."

"Whatever."

* * * * *

By the time Pete had pulled into his garage spot Gwyn was waiting for him on his front step. She had her arms wrapped around herself, and she seemed subdued. He unlocked the door and waved her in.

"Want something to drink?" Pete asked.

"Just some water, thanks."

She was perched on the edge of his sofa when he brought her a glass with a little ice and a lot of water. She smiled, but he could tell it was forced.

"Change your mind?" he asked. He felt more like his old self now, and his old self never let things go on for long.

Gwyn was quiet for a moment.

"Is this a revenge thing, Pete?"

"A revenge thing?"

"Are you being nice to me now so you can be mean to me later? I know I deserve it, but if you're just playing with me to get back for my cruelty, I think it will destroy me." Her voice caught. "Like I destroyed you. But I'm not as strong as you."

Pete sat next to her and took one of her hands.

"You broke me, Gwyn. I hope you never have to go through something so awful. But I don't want to hurt you. I did, for a long time, but I really meant it when I said I forgive you. I'm not going to hurt you. Not on purpose."

Tears ran down Gwyn's face, and she cried quietly. Pete didn't try to hug her, but he covered their joined hands. He squeezed and let her find her balance. Finally she tightened her grip with her one hand and then wiped her eyes with a finger of the other.

"Sorry about that, Pete. I'm so emotional being with you." She took a deep breath and exhaled. "I'll be better. I promise I won't make this weird. I'm just so, so sorry for everything, and I'm so, so grateful that you've let me back into your life again."

"I know." He patted her hand. "Movie?"

"Yes." She smiled her bright smile, honestly this time. "I'd love to."

* * * * *

Gwyn was ecstatic. And paralyzed with fear.

In the two weeks since they watched "Hereditary" she and Pete had gone out to eat twice, once spontaneously after work when she made sure they ran into each other, once on Saturday night when he'd called in the afternoon to see if she was free. She'd also dropped off coffee three times and got a couple things for him from Wegmans; he allowed her to linger with him for a few minutes each time. She also sat next to him at one of the happy hours when Nicole didn't show up, and they spent more time talking with each other than with anyone else.

Their conversations were lively, with teasing and laughing prominent. The years they'd spent together gave them fertile ground for talk, and Gwyn in particular tried to bring up as many of their happy memories as she could fit. She couldn't contain her excitement whenever she was near Pete, and he seemed to enjoy her effervescence. Seemed to, because while he'd give an amused smile when she'd squeal or shiver as they talked, he never acknowledged her barely-restrained desire to grab him and never let go.

As thrilled as she was to spend time with him, especially such rich one-on-one time, she didn't know how to encourage him to touch her beyond a casual poke in the shoulder or pat on the arm. She ached for him to hold her, even for a platonic hug. But as comfortable as he seemed talking with her, he never made a move to extend their connection physically. She was terrified this would be the extent of their relationship.

"I just want him to touch me, Jen. Just one hug."

"I know, sweetie. But you have to stop looking forward. Just remember how far you've come with Pete, and be thankful for the time you have with him now. Appreciate the moment."

Gwyn sighed. "Yeah. Thanks for that reset. I want so much for him to love me again, love me like I love him. But I can only take what he's willing to give. And I have to be okay with that."

"You do."

"But it's so hard, Jenny."

"I know. Be strong, be thankful. And be patient!"

* * * * *

If he wasn't careful Gwyn would hypnotize him.

That didn't bother Pete in the short run. He loved spending time with her, and she still cast spells that unleashed joy in his heart. He never gave a second thought to the moment-to-moment time they spent together. She was everything he wanted, everything he needed.

But they could part without expectations now. They had made no commitments to each other, no promises. So he felt no stress when they went their separate ways. He wouldn't let himself think about her, wonder where she was or what she might be doing. He didn't need the doubt.

His heart wanted to spend more time with her. Talking to her was the best part of any day. He eagerly anticipated seeing her. He found himself wishing for her whenever he went out; he was surprised how often his wish was granted. And she glowed whenever she saw him, even moreso than when they were married. He sensed her love, everything about her just radiated adoration.

He just didn't know if she could sustain it when he wasn't with her. And that was the rub. Would she stray again? As much as he knew she loved him, that hadn't been enough when she was tempted before. How could it be different now?

"Have you asked her that question?"

Mack infuriated him.

"No. What's the point? She'll say it is, but the evidence suggests otherwise."

"While it's true that history echoes in our present, it's also true that Heraclitus was right: you can never step into the same river twice. Something will always be different. The question you have to answer is unknowable because it involves the future, and even the best of us are blind to prediction. We make educated guesses, but they're still just guesses."

"That's so not helpful, Mack."

The therapist grinned. "Still, it's true. Look, you don't know if her love is strong enough to sustain your relationship. You also don't know if your love is strong enough. Has it been weakened by her infidelity? Has hers been strengthened? You are different people now because of what's happened, not just in that one seminal event but also the other experiences you've each had since then. Your new job. Her remorse. Your accident. Her move. How have they affected your love for each other?"

"You're giving me a headache," Pete said, and Mack chuckled. "I'm so glad you're enjoying this."

Mack shrugged. "Here's the thing: you can run every possible scenario in your mind, but you'll never know which one will happen. And you might not even conceive of what actually comes to pass. In the end you're left with what everyone in love has."

"What's that?"

"Faith."

"Faith?"

"When something is unknowable, you have to believe in an outcome. Your head simply can't answer your question, so your heart must. It will tell you if you believe Gwyn will take sufficient care of it. And it will also tell you if you can survive if she doesn't. Be sure you ask it both questions."

Pete was quiet for a few moments.

"That actually makes sense."

"And talk to Gwyn. But with your heart. Your head will get in the way, but your heart will let you know what you believe."

* * * * *

"He's acting a little squirrelly, Jenny. I don't know what's going on with him."

"What's he doing?"

"The last couple times we've been together he's been really spacey. I asked him in a few ways if everything was okay. He said he was fine, but he still kept zoning out. What if he doesn't want to see me any more? That would just kill me, Jen!" Gwyn sobbed, and the sudden onset of tears surprised her.

"Oh, cuz! You're doing everything you can. It's all up to him. You know that."

"I do, but it will kill me if I can't be around him."

"Maybe there's something going on at his work."