Understanding Love

What spurred this post was a comment from an anonymous user that was posted to one of my recent entries entitled, "Are There Downsides To Cuckolding?"

The gist of the post was that what kills many cuckold marriages is the same thing that kills other, monogamous, marriages. You'll read in the comment below what I said, and the response that followed.

"You understand sex very well, but know ZERO about love!!

"This is going to be bad news for you: "true love is unconditional" you said? Not even by an inch. It is possible to be unconditional if it is returned back as unconditional as given. Chances of that happening makes LOTTO win looking like a walk in the park. Because of that, LOVE is VERY CONDITIONAL and POSSESIVE!!"

The commenter stated that, essentially, they could love unconditionally if the other person loved him/her unconditionally as well. The problem with that kind of thinking is that unconditional love that has conditions isn't unconditional love, it's transactional.

Unconditional love is a selfless act. You're not in it for yourself.

When you put conditions on your love, you turn love into something that has to be earned. When a person feels that they have to earn another person's love, there is no feeling of security. There is always that fear that something they may do or not do may cause the other person to stop loving them. The problem here is that love and fear can not coexist.

In her book Life Lessons, Two Experts on Death and Dying Teach Us About the Mysteries of Life and Living, co-written with David Kessler, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross discusses some big ideas concerning love and fear. Love and fear are the two primary emotions in humans. Kübler-Ross argues that all other emotions exist under these two primary emotions: either an emotion comes from a place of fear or a place of love. These core emotions underlie every other emotion we have.

When we're afraid of something, we're more likely to tear it down or throw it away. Coming from a place of love, however, encourages us to create, build, and/or add.

When the commenter above stated, "LOVE is VERY CONDITIONAL and POSSESIVE!!", he was talking about transactional love as well as contractual love.

We get with another person and we feel that we have some type of ownership of that person. In a typical monogamous marriage, the couple has a contract that has ownership stipulations and a term length.

Often people cling to the "forsaking all others" part, yet they often forget about the "Until death do you part" part.

Jealousy stems from fear. And, as I have noted, love and fear cannot coexist. So, especially if you are married, there should be no fear if there is love.

What strikes me as odd is that too often people choose fear over love. The reasoning behind this is self-worth sustainment.

A person who can only love conditionally/transactionally/contractually is usually a person that was raised by or around people who had exceptionally high standards and expectations. Because of this, the person that can only love conditionally is a perfectionist. They've worked hard at proving that they are worthy of love. And, sadly, this is the only type of love that they know and understand.

Because these people believe that love is something you have to earn, they are often possessive, as our commenter stated.

Jealousy stems from fear and possessiveness stems from neediness. And neither are helpful or attractive.

One might feel that a little jealousy is a good thing. It means that you are important to another person if they are afraid of losing you, but if they need you instead of wanting you, that is a different matter.

Jealousy also stems from comparison. What does this other person have that you don't? What more could they offer that you can't? In this instance, we are brought back to fear and self-worth.

The driving force behind jealousy and possessiveness is insecurity.

The jealous and possessive person is always on guard. They tend to make their partner a suspect. They expect this person to wrong them, and then they are surprised and overwhelmed when it happens.

It is those who have low self-esteem that are most often jealous and/or possessive. And that makes sense. If you do not see yourself as worthy of another person's love, you want to control as much of the relationship as you can. This will lessen the possibility that what you believe you lack will come to the forefront.

Love without possession means wanting your partner to be happy even if you aren't the one making them happy. A relationship can't be a person's only source of joy. You need more layers and nuances in your life.

A person that is jealous and/or possessive relies on the other person for their self-worth. And a person that is jealous and/or possessive is more interested in control than love.

When you want to control another person, you are telling them that you don't want them to be themselves, you want them to be who you want them to be. And you want them to act the way you want them to. This is a trait of ownership, not love.

We should always aim to grow each other's worlds rather than restrict them.

In a possessive relationship, there is a severe lack of trust.

Children that grow up with an ambivalent/anxious attachment style grow up to be adults who are self-critical and insecure. They seek approval and reassurance from others, yet this never relieves their self-doubt. In their relationships, deep-seated feelings that they are going to be rejected make them worried and not trusting. And this leads to jealousy and possessiveness.

Let me ask you, do you see these as signs of love: An inability to trust, feeling insecure in romantic partnerships, the need to control others?

Most of our insecurities are formed in childhood and throughout the school years. And those who carry these insecurities into adulthood are often those who are jealous and/or possessive in their personal and/or romantic relationships.

Now that we know what love isn't, maybe we should find out what love is and what it entails.

First off, what are the types of love?

Eros - is a primal and powerful fire that burns out quickly. It needs its flame to be fanned through one of the deeper forms of love below as it is centered around the selfish aspects of love, that is, personal infatuation and physical pleasure.

The second type of love is philia or friendship. The ancient Greeks valued philia far above eros because it was considered a love between equals. As Aristotle put it, philia is a "dispassionate virtuous love" that is free from the intensity of sexual attraction. It often involves the feelings of loyalty among friends, camaraderie among teammates, and the sense of sacrifice for your pack.

Storge is a natural form of affection that often flows between parents and their children, and children for their parents.

Although ludus has a bit of the erotic eros in it, it is much more than that. The Greeks thought of ludus as a playful form of love, for example, the affection between young lovers. Playfulness in love is an essential ingredient that is often lost in long-term relationships.

Mania love is a type of love that leads a partner into a type of madness and obsessiveness. It occurs when there is an imbalance between eros and ludus.

To those who experience mania, love itself is a means of rescuing themselves; a reinforcement of their value as the sufferer of poor self-esteem. This person wants to love and be loved to find a sense of self-value. Because of this, they can become possessive and jealous lovers.

If the other partner fails to reciprocate with the same kind of mania love, many issues prevail. This is why mania can often lead to issues such as codependency.

Unlike the other types of love, pragma is the result of effort on both sides. It's the love between people who've learned to make compromises and have demonstrated patience and tolerance to make the relationship work.

philautia is self-love in its healthiest form. It shares the Buddhist philosophy of "self-compassion" which is the deep understanding that only once you have the strength to love yourself and feel comfortable in your skin, will you be able to provide love to others. As Aristotle put it, "All friendly feelings for others are an extension of a man's feelings for himself."

The highest and most radical type of love according to the Greeks is agape or selfless, unconditional love. Agape is the love that is felt for that which we intuitively know as the divine truth: the love that accepts forgives, and believes for our greater good.

Agape love is unconditional love, bigger than ourselves, boundless compassion, and infinite empathy. It is what the Buddhists describe as "mettā" or "universal loving-kindness." It is the purest form of love that is free from desires and expectations and loves regardless of the flaws and shortcomings of others.

Dedication in the face of adversity is unconditional love.

I stated in my essay that, "true love is unconditional." And I still believe that.

Unconditional love is all about selflessness, acceptance, and forgiveness. You don't consider the benefits or keep the score of the favors. It does not associate with outward appearances. You support your partner and are there for them at all times. The love doesn't go away even when circumstances are difficult. It is a path that leads to an ultimate union of two different individuals.

When you can love without reservations, accept faults without judgment, care about the happiness of the other person and do everything to help that person feel good without expecting anything in return, then you have practiced selfless, unconditional love.

The above paragraph is in sharp contrast to my commenter's statement, "It is possible to be unconditional if it is returned back as unconditional as given."

. . .

Love, like many things, is something everyone wants and seeks out, but few truly understand. We all have our understandings of what love is, and often what we believe we learned throughout our childhood. Too often, children carry this same understanding into adulthood. They are then adults with the understanding of a child.

When we realize that the source of all love does not possess anything because it is those things, and the concept of possession simply does not resonate anymore, fear no longer colors our interactions, and boundary lines begin to disappear.

As adults, we need to mature and our loving style needs to mature as well.

Maturity in a relationship is the ability to stick to a certain situation until it is finished. For example, when a person we know seems to constantly change his relationship partners, friends, or job, we tend to label them as immature because they cannot commit to something or someone that is still in progress or maybe because they want these things and situations to be easy-going and once they encountered obstacles along the way, they immediately quit and jump to another person or situation.

Maturity is knowing that you can't have everything your way and the ability to face obstacles, frustrations, discomforts, and defeats without complaints. It's the ability to love unconditionally and to adjust to certain circumstances, and people when necessary.

. . .

I've learned the most about unconditional love from my husband, the man who understands me the most and loves me like no other man ever has.

I would like to say that I, too, love unconditionally, as my husband loves me, but I, too, found myself to be jealous and insecure in the past.

Jealousy and insecurity are not uncommon, but they are signs of immaturity and fear.

What has allowed my husband to love me unconditionally is his ability to love himself, completely, as he is. This allows him to love me, unconditionally as I am.

My husband once said to me, "Loving someone unconditionally is not accepting someone as they are and not wanting them to grow. It's understanding that growth occurs when you allow someone to make mistakes and to learn from them."

My husband taught me a long time ago that love is a choice we make every day of our lives. And his choice, every day, is to love me unconditionally.

My husband has also told me that I have helped him to grow, too.

Ray, my husband, has associated love growth with muscle growth. To Ray, love is our relationship muscle. Not unlike muscles, our love and relationships grow the same way that muscle hypertrophy increases muscle mass in the body.

Muscle hypertrophy occurs when the fibers of the muscles sustain damage or injury. The body repairs damaged fibers by fusing them, which increases the mass and size of the muscles. The same applies to romantic relationships.

Anyone can love someone when everything is going well and as planned, but it is much harder for some people to love when there are adversity, challenges, and unexpected situations.

People build muscle at different rates depending on their age, sex, and genetics, and love, like muscle development, significantly increases if it is:

consistent, challenging, and long-term.

Much like muscle loss, the strength of love can decline, as well. But that doesn't mean that once it begins to slip away that it is gone forever. Like muscle mass, love takes work, dedication, and a plan, but it is never too late to rebuild muscle and maintain it.

. . .

How can you love someone that has cheated on you? The first thing you have to do is realize what love is.

It was explained to me best that love begins with charity and gentleness. When you love someone, you do so with benevolence for what is failed, disgraced, broken, angry, and foul in other people and ourselves.

Love isn't about admiration of strength. It is sympathy directed at what is lost and in pieces, and at what we might hate, resent and fear.

It's not hard to love perfection.

It is important to realize that we will all require the charity of others at some time in our lives. We will need others to be able to look past our failings and be able to see our deeply hidden value.

We must be imaginative in our loving of others where there may be rage, bitterness, or transgressions. We must be able to picture the pain and loss that the other person has experienced.

To love with imagination is to be able to see the better reasons why others behave as they do.

Too often people become love's social justice warriors. The thing is that in their fighting for what they feel is right, they forget to be kind. What gets lost most often is a person's ability to show mercy, humility, and grace.

You must realize that there is more to being right and just. You also have to be kind and merciful.

Someone being "wrong" doesn't give us the right to stop showing the greatest degree of kindness.

Forgiveness is one of the greatest things you can do for someone you love. We learn to forgive when we are no longer self-righteous.

Love is best when it is given generously. Love is the one thing that you have more of the more you give it away.

Patience is a big part of loving. It allows others to grow at their pace. It gives others time to mature, to go wrong, and wander in another direction. Patience allows another person to grow into their better self.

If you have been cheated on and you are charitable and gentle in spirit, sympathetic and imaginative, kind, merciful, and gracious, forgiving and patient, no matter what happens in your relationship, you'll have two choices: You can quit and give up on love and your partner, or you can begin a new relationship - with your partner.

. . .

Once you know what is involved in love and loving, you can chart your course. You can go from relationship to relationship, or you can build and maintain an existing relationship.

Not one of us is without flaws. And, yes, we all have expectations. But if we can't bend, we will break.

My advice to everyone, myself included, is to not just understand love but to practice love in such a way that it becomes who you are.