Unless it Happens to be Her

"I liked it," she whispered. "My brain said it was wrong but my body and my heart were thrilled. Overjoyed."

"Then there you go. It's not about women but about her."

"Yes." A stray thought occurred. "What is Dad going to think?"

"He knows. I don't keep things from him, but why are you worried? Has he ever shown that he thinks less of someone because of who they love? He just wants you to be happy. Him, me, Monica, Paul, Chris ... that's all any of us want for you, sweetie." Brittney was shocked to see unshed tears in her mom's eyes. Daphne wiped her face on the sleeve of her robe, then brushed a strand of hair from Brittney's face. "If Cal makes you happy, then go to her. We'll all still love you. And her."

Brittney bit her lip. The whole notion felt outlandish, impossible. Then she visualized herself standing next to Cal, her arm snaking around her friend's shoulder, of seeing Cal looking at her with love and affection, and her doing the same in return, and of a gentle kiss like the one they had already shared.

The thought made her feel better than she had all day.

She gazed at her mom. "What do I do?"

"Like I said, go to her."

"But if she doesn't want to see me—"

"I can practically guarantee that if you show up with this newfound outlook, she will be ecstatic to see you. Call it mother's intuition ... and the fact that Deborah confirmed as much when she and I talked."

"Huh?"

"She tells me Cal's been crying over you since she fled the break room at your work. She hasn't gone out and has been moping around the house." The notion of Cal's distress created a fresh stab of pain in Brittney's heart but her mother continued. "Tell her the truth."

Another thought came to her. Brittney blushed and lowered her eyes. "But what about ... you know. I've never ... I mean, I don't know how to, uh, be with a woman."

"Do you want to be with her that way?"

She thought about her boyfriends and how much she had enjoyed sex with them—not just for physical reasons but for the sense of closeness and intimacy. It's scary but if I love her, I want us to be that close too. I want us to share that. "I think I do."

Daphne smiled. "Then just be honest with her, take your time, and act from the heart, sweetie, and you and her will work it out."

Brittney's vision blurred anew. "You promise?"

"I do."

She laughed through her tears. Brittney stood and embraced her mother, who hugged her back. "Thank you, mom. I love you."

"I love you too, sweetheart."

Brittney held the hug for a moment before separating. "I guess I need to get a move on."

"All right. Deborah says Cal doesn't start her new shift until tomorrow, so she should be home."

Brittney grinned and headed for the door. A detached part of her brain noted that she already moved with a lighter step and a sparkle in her soul. The whole thing was crazy but she embraced it with open arms. She was almost to the door when she paused and turned to look at her mom again. "You said you knew how I felt."

"Yes, for months. It's been obvious to anyone paying attention."

"Why didn't you say something to me?"

"You had to get there yourself, Britt. If I had just blurted it out, you wouldn't have believed me."

Brittney nodded. "No, probably not."

Daphne waved her hand. "All right, shoo. Drive carefully, and let me know if you'll be here for dinner."

Brittney spun, heading for her bedroom. She had things to do.

#

She paused at the door, her finger extended and poised to ring the doorbell. The enormity of it weighed heavily on her shoulders but Brittney squared her shoulders and pushed the button. A chime rang from within. She dropped her hand and waited, resisting the urge to hop up and down.

Brittney had quickly run through the shower again. She'd dressed casually, in a pair of form-fitting jeans, with a yellow pullover polo-style shirt. Since Cal had always complimented Brittney on her complexion and smooth skin, she had only applied a light layer of makeup and tied a ribbon bow to hold back the ponytail of her dark brown hair, since Cal had complimented her on that look before. The effect in the mirror had been pleasant but not overtly sexual or anything. She was dressed much as her friend always saw her.

She hoped that was the right answer.

During the drive to Deborah's house, Brittney had been bursting with excitement. Now that she'd opened her mind to the possibility and accepted that she loved Cal, Brittney wanted nothing more than to hug Cal, to hold her, touch her, even kiss her. The idea of more than a kiss was enthralling and terrifying at the same time but she now embraced what she had denied for so long. She wanted Cal. She wanted to give herself to her love, in every way possible.

The door opened and Brittney held her breath.

Cal stood there, clutching the doorknob. She wore a loose tee shirt and gym shorts. She had pinned her curly auburn tresses in a bun behind her head. Her eyes were red and puffy and she looked miserable.

"Hi," Cal said, her voice small.

"Hi, yourself."

Brittney's heart almost thumped out of her chest. Cal's disheveled appearance did nothing to lessen Brittney's feelings; if anything, she ached to take Cal in her arms, make her safe, and take her pain away. She could not help but notice the smooth skin of Cal's legs and unlike before, Brittney felt a twinge of longing to touch her and feel Cal's warmth beneath her fingers. She laughed to herself, figuring that her mother's guess had been correct: that because she loved Cal, she found her love attractive and desirable, despite that love being a woman.

My love. It's so easy to say now that I have admitted it to myself. I'm sorry I was so blind and stubborn, Cal. I made this ten times harder than it had to be. I swear I am going to make it better. Then, on spotting the unease on Cal's face, she said, "Can I, uh, come in?"

Cal sighed and looked away. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Just for a few minutes. If ..." Brittney swallowed hard. "If after we talk you still want me to go, I'll leave and won't bother you again. Please?"

Cal nodded and stepped aside, though she refused to meet Brittney's gaze, and closed the door behind them. She led Brittney to the family room, her head down and shoulders slumped, and Brittney's heart ached to comfort her.

They were halfway down the hallway when Deborah emerged, pulling on a sweater on and toting her purse. Cal said, "Mom? What are you doing?"

"Going out and giving you two some privacy."

Cal nodded and stepped into the family room.

Deborah leaned toward Brittney. Her voice dropped to a semi-whisper. "No matter what happens, please go gentle on her. I'll probably text in a little bit to check on things. If you have to leave her in tears, call your mom and tell her. I'll come right home."

"My mom?"

"We're going around the corner for coffee and to chat. I can stay gone as long as you two need."

"Okay."

Deborah nodded and departed. Brittney took a deep breath and stepped into the family room.

Cal perched on the sofa, her back straight and her head up, as if she planned to face anything Brittney said with dignity. Only the stereotypical box of tissues at her side and the rapid drumming of her fingers on her knees ruined the image.

Brittney paused. "Can I sit next to you?"

Cal shook her head. "Would you mind sitting in the chair, so we can face each other?"

"Okay." Brittney took her seat.

Cal faced her, waiting.

Brittney stared at her. She had rehearsed many statements, each of which she thought would let Cal know just how she felt. But there in the moment, as she stared at her would-be lover and let her gaze trace across Cal's gorgeous tresses, strong cheekbones, and perfect chin, all of Brittney's careful preparation fled. She opened her mouth to say something. The words caught in her throat, she closed her mouth, opened it again, and the same thing happened.

Cal lowered her eyes. "Look, if you came over here to tell me you just want to be friends—"

Her words jolted Brittney from her reverie. "No, Cal, it's not that at all."

"All right." Cal looked at her, expectation written on her features.

"I ... I ..." Brittney looked down. "This is harder than I thought it would be, Cal. I'm shaking like a leaf."

Cal waited.

Brittney closed her eyes and fought to calm herself. "It's taken some time for me to get here. I never thought I would. God knows I fought against it. It took someone I trust making me take stock of myself before I got to the truth."

"Okay?"

"I ... I just ..."

Cal's face twisted. "Brittney, I don't think you know how much pain it's causing me to have you sitting here, especially looking as adorable as you do. I want to get up from here, hold you, kiss you again. But I know I can't and that hurts so, so much. This is ripping me apart, Britt." Tears trickled down her cheeks. "Please just say what you want to say and leave. Please!"

"I love you."

She blinked. "What?"

"I love you, Cal," Brittney blurted a second time. Like the cork popping free from a bottle, now that she'd started, the words spilled out. Her voice cracked as she choked up. "It took me a long time to realize the truth. I fought it, denied it, but I was just lying to myself. I love you, more than a friend. I want you in my life, now and forever."

Cal stared at her. "I ... I ..." She took a deep breath and fanned her face with her hand. Fresh tears covered her cheeks and she looked away. "You're mocking me? I never knew you were this cruel, Britt."

Brittney's own eyes filled with tears. She understood Cal's skepticism but the emotion of the moment was getting to her too. "No, I'm not. I don't just love you, Cal. I am in love with you too."

"How?" Cal faced her again. "How is it different now?"

"Because I'm not going to let my stupid stubbornness stand in the way of a good thing. No, I've never felt like this about another girl ... and no, I have no experience being with a woman but I'm willing to learn, with you. All I know is that you have the most beautiful soul I have ever seen. It's like a light in the darkness, pulling me out of the gloom to a place where I can be happy. I want that. I want you."

A strangled sob erupted from Cal's mouth, which she covered with both hands. For a long few seconds, the two young women gazed at each other.

Brittney read the warring emotions on her friend's face. She's on the fence. She wants to believe me but she's scared I'm going to hurt her again. What can I say? How can I convince her I'm—

And then she knew. Like a flash of lightning illuminating a formerly-dark room, the answer was revealed with as much certainty as she could muster.

Brittney slowly stood, watching Cal watch her. She took several unhurried steps across the floor and sank to her knees, so that she and the still-sitting Cal were almost on the same level.

Cal stared at Brittney. Her eyes were liquid pools and the tears continued to fall.

Brittney hesitantly extended her left hand toward the side of Cal's face. She half-expected the other girl to pull away but when she didn't, Brittney skimmed her fingers over Cal's cheek and into her hair. She continued to stare into Cal's eyes while she stroked Cal's scalp and glided a light touch over Cal's ear. Brittney smiled at her. She hoped the smile conveyed tenderness and love. Brittney inched her own face closer.

Cal's breathing accelerated.

Brittney tilted her head and closed her eyes just as she touched her lips to Cal's. A bolt of heat shot through her, warming her to her toes—and at that second, the remnants of her fears and doubts faded like fog before the rising sun. Her head swam and her heart thudded with desire.

Oh my God, this is the best kiss I've ever had! My whole body is vibrating. I want this. I want her.

She massaged her mouth across Cal's and felt a giddy thrill when Cal's lips responded and gently moved against hers. Brittney extended the tip of her tongue just enough to caress the flesh of Cal's lips, then withdrew it. She broke contact, taking care to move with deliberate slowness. Brittney pulled back six inches and opened her eyes. She placed her other hand on the opposite side of her love's face and held her.

Cal stared at her. Despite her tears, a tentative smile crept over Cal's face. "I guess you mean it."

"I told you. Maybe one of these days, you'll listen to me."

Cal laughed and leaned forward until their foreheads rested against each other's. Her hands rose to touch Brittney's neck and face. "You put me through hell, you jerk."

"I know. I'm sorry. Do you still love me?"

"Yes."

"I love you too." Brittney brushed Cal's tears from her cheeks and then rubbed her own tears. "I'm sure all this crying is spoiling my look. Everyone tells me I'm an ugly crier."

"Everyone's wrong." Cal stroked Brittney's neck. "Crying or not, you're the most beautiful person in the world."

"That's a lie, but don't stop saying it."

They both giggled.

Brittney continued to watch Cal, savoring every movement made and every breath taken. She tossed a silent thanks to her mother for making her confront the truth.

Cal's voice was just a breath. "What are you thinking?"

Brittney hesitated. She'd considered the possibility on the drive over, that their discussion might come to this. She hadn't been able to decide how she would react and instead decided to wait for the moment. Now that she was here, she only wanted one thing, even though she was shaking all the harder. "I ... I want ... I mean, uhm ... I think we should go to the bedroom."

Cal's eyes widened. "You mean—"

"Yes. I'm ready."

"You're shaking."

"Trust me, Cal, I thought about this." She caressed the other woman's head, enjoying the feel of Cal's curly hair beneath her fingers. "I want to be with you. I'm shaking because I'm nervous. I've never ... been with a woman before and I'm afraid it won't be good for you." She paused. "I mean, if you're not ready, I understand."

Cal smiled. "Britt, I've been ready for you for a long time. I almost burned up one of my favorite toys thinking about you."

Brittney's cheeks heated. "Oh my God."

"As for the rest, trust me ..." She kissed Brittney again. "It will be fine. Don't be nervous."

"Okay."

Brittney stood and took a step back, allowing Cal to rise from the couch. She did and offered her hand to Brittney, who took it. Cal gave her a quick squeeze and led her toward her bedroom. She'd seen it before but the room took on a new significance now; it was no longer just a place where Cal slept and kept her stuff but was now a meeting place—a sanctum—where no one existed, save two lovers.

Brittney stepped inside and Cal shut the door behind them. She could not take her eyes off Cal as the other woman slunk towards her, a mischievous glint in her eye. Brittney waited. She sucked on her lower lip and hoped she wasn't going to pass out.

Cal stepped into Brittney's embrace and they kissed again. For the first time, Brittney was glad that they were almost exactly the same height, as it made the joining of their mouths so easy. She was cognizant of Cal's hands stroking the skin of her upper arms, of Cal's leg rubbing against hers, and of Cal's breasts pressing into her chest. Brittney's body felt like it was on fire. Each sensation, each touch of Cal's body on hers, warred for Brittney's attention.

They broke their kiss. Cal said, "I do love you."

"I know. I love you too."

"Would you be all right if I undressed you?"

Brittney shook even harder but she nodded, determined to make this as pleasurable for Cal as she could. "If you'll enjoy that and it makes you happy, then absolutely."

Cal smiled. "You can kick your shoes off."

Brittney did.

Cal resumed kissing her. Her hands dropped Brittney's belt and worked open the buckle. She popped the fly on her jeans and unzipped them.

Brittney's thoughts whirled.

Cal pulled Brittney's shirt from its tucked-in position. Without stopping, she pushed the shirt up Brittney's torso, who raised her arms. In one smooth motion, Cal peeled the polo away and tossed it on the carpeted floor. She didn't wait but immediately took hold of Brittney's jeans, worked them over her hips, and down her legs. Brittney let her take the pants from one leg, then the other, and then her socks, before Cal stood and kissed her again.

Brittney shivered. She'd been in a bra and underwear before other women before, but this was different. A sense of vulnerability took hold but that was quickly supplanted by excitement and desire. She wrapped her arms around Cal. Between kisses, she said, "Do you want me to take the bow out of my hair?"

"Can you leave it in?" Cal flushed. "That's kind of weird, huh?"

She laughed. "You like it that much?"

Cal nodded. "It compliments you and makes your hair look pretty and perfect. I'm jealous of your hair, anyway. It's so soft."

"What? You have this gorgeous auburn mane and you love my hair. You're insane."

"I hate it." Cal touched her head. "I've been thinking about dyeing it for some time now."

"I don't think so. I love your hair so you better not." Brittney tried to look stern, though she kept her smile. Though she did think Cal's curly tresses were beautiful and wonderful, she didn't really care either way; if Cal wanted to change it to something she liked better, Brittney would be happy for her. But Brittney wanted Cal to know that she loved her just the way she was.

Apparently, the message got through. Cal grinned. "Well, if you like it, maybe I'll keep it."

"Good. Now, I believe you were in the middle of something." Brittney was amazed at her capacity for being flippant but when she looked back on it later, she realized that she was so at ease with Cal that her confidence shone through and she felt she could just say whatever strange thing she was thinking.

Cal, however, was not to be outdone in terms of playfulness. She glanced down at her own body. "Hey, you have work to do too."

"Fair enough."

Brittney kissed her lover and let her hands fall to the hem of Cal's tee shirt. She dragged it along Cal's side and up her rib cage. The knuckles of her bent fingers grazed over something soft and warm, then a hardened nub. Cal gasped and Brittney froze.

Cal pulled her head back. "No bra."

"So—"

"Yes, you stroked my nipple. I guess that was a first for you." Her eyes probed Brittney's face and her smile dimmed. "You look a little freaked out. Are you having second thoughts now?"

Brittney rallied. "It's just all new to me, so I'm trying to get used to it. As for second thoughts? Not a chance. You're not getting away from me that easily." She pulled the shirt over Cal's head and arms, threw it aside, and lowered her eyes.

She's always known Cal had bigger breasts than her and she'd seen her friend half-undressed. But the moment she was staring at Cal's breasts in the flesh, and feeling the urge to squeeze and kiss them, Brittney had a sudden revelation. She chuckled.

Cal raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"I think I just realized why guys like tits so much. Maybe it's just because I love you but those are tantalizing." She gestured at herself. "I'm sorry I can't offer anything as good."

"Pfft," Cal said, snorting. "It just means you won't have neck and back pains in twenty years. Brittney, please believe me: your breasts are lovely. They're part of you and I love you."

"Okay. Can ... I touch them?"

"Hey." Cal placed a forefinger on Brittney's lips. "I belong to you now. I want you to operate under the assumption that when we're alone, you can touch me whenever you like, even if you just lay a hand on my leg when we're on the couch or grab my ass when you walk past. So yes, you can touch my breasts. You don't have to ask. I want you to. In fact, I think I will be put off if you don't touch them."