Vanilla into Butterscotch RipplebyNightSpirit©
We've all seen it. The person who just screams vanilla.
You talk about Sex, they say, "I've done that."
You talk about anal sex, and they say, "That's an exit hole only. If anyone puts anything in there I'll cut it off."
You ask why, and they just say: "Because."
"Gays and Lesbians should be shot, Bisexuals are worse because they can't even pick a side."
"Water sports are water-polo, swimming, or waterskiing. Anything else isn't healthy."
If you even think about being with someone else other than your spouse you are a "male chauvinistic pig" or a "slut". If you are actually with someone else, then you "obviously don't really love your partner".
Questions about any variation of sex other than their ideal scenario of a man and woman copulating in the missionary position only receives you scorn, and you become treated like some lesser deviant creature.
These are the thought patterns and stereotypes of a closed minded individual.
It may happen that you fall in love with someone like this.
They say that Love is blind, but it can also be deaf and dumb, and a little bit sick in the head too.
So you get bored, of the "same old, same old" routine in the bedroom.
You've read various things on Lit, and you know that there is a bigger world out there, and you're curious... but the love of your life isn't.
So what do you do? Dump them and move on?
Not if you really love them. It may not be possible, or at least not yet.
This is what I propose:
Don't try to change them. It never works anyways.
It really is true that people can only change if they want to.
But you can open their eyes to other possibilities, and then let them choose for themselves.
Step #1: Lose the mental conditioning.
People are taught from a very early age, about what is right and wrong.
How to behave and what the rules are.
This is done quite simply because you are too young to be able to reason for yourself. Your experience is too limited.
This is a good thing.
It helps prevent children from burning their faces off on a hot stove top burner. Because, "Wow, it looks really bright when you get close to it ... OWWWWW!!!!!" immediately followed by a trip to the hospital, and years of plastic surgery is never a good thing.
However, there comes a time when people become adults, and they have to think for themselves.
"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: But when I became a man, I put away childish things."
Step one is to help your loved ones realize that they get to decide what they want to do.
This can be really tricky, and means that you have to know your partner really well.
If the person is rational, a philosophical debate can do wonders.
If they aren't you're going to have to prove them wrong about at least one of their hard and fast beliefs. This can introduce doubt, and will hopefully force a person to re-inspect some of their other beliefs.
Be very careful here though. Move slowly and cautiously.
It's not nice to rip away someone's view of reality, and not be there to hold their hand while they try and figure out what they are supposed to believe in again.
Causing someone to question their beliefs will be an incredibly personal thing, and if you don't know your partner well enough there's no point in doing it. It'd be much better to have your partner help you "Question your own beliefs". Self discovery can be contagious if shared.
Step #2: Analyze your partner carefully.
Take a good hard look at fetishes, and see what it is about them that gets the person off. (Lit has BILLIONS of examples)
Then take a look at your partner for similar qualities.
Are they hard on themselves and seek to punish themselves?
(Masochists in their most basic form)
In times of stress are they comforted by cuddling?
Are they whores for praise?
Are they a giving, nurturing person? or are they demanding?
(Dominance / Submissive roles -often the opposite of what is most commonly demanded of them on a daily basis)
Once you can see the beginnings in your partner, you will have some idea as to what new experiences will best net some results.
And the Better your partner gets off on the first attempts, the better any subsequent new things will be received.
Step #3: Once you think you know what you're going after, become an expert on it.
It's true that you can only learn so much from reading, and eventually you have to try it "hands on", but you can avoid most of the major pitfalls through some preparation, and you can find out about safe and unsafe behavior first.
PLAYING SAFE IS MOST IMPORTANT.
If someone gets hurt playtime is over, and they'll almost certainly never want to even attempt to do it again.
Step #4: Start Small and Innocent.
Rome wasn't built in a day, nor was a kink-filled relationship.
So start small, and start innocent, then work your way up to your goal.
The goal: "I want to spank my G/F, and to have her enjoy it, as much as I enjoy spanking her".
Set the stage, and prepare.
Make sure that your partner is in a receptive mood to try something new. The day they have been yelled at all day at work, and have nearly lost their job is not the time for this.
However, after having a good evening out, maybe a drink to loosen them up, and when good times have been had by all is ideal. Sexual tension is definitely going to make things easier.
Ensure that your lover is turned on.
Next, make sure that you "work it into the moment". Sudden things out of context, will instantly snap a person out of whatever fun they may have been having, and put them on guard.
So, jokingly (and flirtingly) point out some little thing that they have done wrong. Maybe they forgot to pick something trivial up from the store. Maybe they knocked something over. It really doesn't matter so long as your lover knows that it was trivial, and that you're not really serious.
Now is your big chance to "punish them". Go lightly, even if they are enjoying it.
Especially go lightly if they are enjoying it, to be more of a tease.
Mix it up with something else at the same time that you know turns them on; maybe some fondling or the likes.
Push the boundaries when your partner is distracted. The key to this step is to teach your lover that they can feel good while doing it, that it is fun, and also that you're playing.
Again, take baby steps. If you rush this stage you can cause emotional scarring, and may forever lose one of the ways that you had learned to satisfy your partner.
ALWAYS make sure that the new fetish you're introducing is but a "little side thing" you're doing, and not the main thing your partner's focusing on. That can come later, if they decide that they enjoy it, but now is definitely not the time.
Try to give your partner a way out.
This is more then just a safety word. Give your partner a way to hide their emotion, or any shame that they may feel at the pleasure they're receiving. They may feel that what is happening is wrong on some mental level, even though their pleasure may be intense, and feel really bad about sharing their reactions to this new found pleasure until they get their attitudes straightened out again.
Give your partner the chance to be shy about their reactions. Also if possible, help them to feel less self conscious.
Blindfolds can be wonderful, so long as you use them in the early beginning steps. Often if someone doesn't see what's happening and they're already caught up in something very stimulating, they may not be able to recognize the new source of stimulation.
Showering in the dark with your partner can also be a wonderful example of this. You can "help" them get clean, in much more intimate ways then they might otherwise allow. Once your partner is comfortable with this, and the lights are still out, you can always check to see if they're clean.
Once you have your partner open to one "deviant behavior" the rest becomes easy. Start showing them how some other people can enjoy "deviant behavior" too.
One of my favorite methods is to show the person soft-core fetish stories; those which just barely dabble in the desired fetish, but where the person thoroughly enjoys themselves without any guilt or remorse. It helps to reinforce to your partner that this sort of behavior can be ok.
You just add it to the mix very slowly as you go.
Want to try anal sex? Try playing with your partner's ass while you are
"doing more then your part" in a 69 position. Again start small, and ensure that there are positive reactions from your administrations.
Play on the outside of her anus gently. Stroke it.
MAKE SURE SHE GETS OFF.
Don't stick a finger up her ass thinking she won't notice.
She will; and given where her mouth is, you'd likely find out as SOON AS SHE DID!
Step #5: Know when to stop.
You can teach an old dog new tricks.
But you can't teach it all the tricks.
Your partner may become open to learning some new things.
They may be completely against learning some others.
Often there may be trauma of some sort behind these ones that they get stuck on.
Delve into that in a gentle way if you wish, but it may be difficult.
Counseling may help as well, or not as the case may be.
The trick is to not push the issue too far, or it WILL cost you the relationship. And if you're not ready for that, then it's best to not poke that sleeping dog any harder, but maybe dangle the piece of string over the resting cat next to it.
Move on and try another fetish carefully.
There's plenty more to choose from.
Remember, this will be a growing and learning experience for both you and your partner(s) and will take a lot of work and effort. It may take you 6 months before your partner comes to understand that they are getting pleasure from the most miniscule "deviant" play and that it's ok.
This is still tremendous progress.
Remember you're fighting against a lifetime of conditioning, and that won't happen over night, but can happen over time.
Keep your stick on the ice, play safe, and never toy with people.