Vidare 14: Shards

"You wanna talk about it?" Garrett asked as he puffed on the back porch.

"I earned another six months just for telling the councilman to go fuck himself." Jason sighed.

Garrett burst into laughter, choking on the smoke still in his lungs. " Beautiful."

"What about you? It's like you're barely with us anymore."

"The internship I have takes a lot of my time. I'm actually going in today for a sort of test. I'm really enjoying it. I get to learn a shit ton every day." Garrett smiled to himself. "I've been hoping that soon I'm going to get even further in my studies to the point where I can download myself completely into the digital web."

"That sounds fucking terrifying." Jason shuddered. "Feeling your whole body dematerialize? Count me the fuck out."

"It's not so bad, it feels like floating."

"No thanks." Jason shook his head. "I'm comfortable in mortal, physical, shitty reality."

Garrett shrugged off the offense quickly. "Well here I was hoping we could all take a trip there sometime."

Jason knew how hard it was to be passionate about a field that others couldn't always envision, and he reevaluated what to say to Garrett. "It's not exactly a beach vacation...but I guess someday I'd like to see it. Can you recommend any material that I could prepare for our visit with?"

"Like...books?" Garrett laughed. "Outside of MegaMan and The Matrix, I'm not sure what to tell you." He smiled at the studious nature of Jason. "Get into some good science fiction."

"I'm more of a horror genre kind of person." Jason mused as he looked up at the sky.

"Seriously?" Garrett looked at him with puzzled eyes. "I don't think I've ever seen you do a horror movie, book, or game."

Jason smiled softly. "Well all of it's on my computer. I have this goal of watching every horror movie since the 60's."

Garrett exhaled with a silly expression. "That sounds awful honestly. I can't stand horror."

"I got exposed to a lot of it when I was young, and truthfully, some of the stuff we see regularly is so much more fucked up than anything the sleepers make. I like vague tension and unease. It doesn't have to jump out and rip you to pieces to get you immersed. Making someone aware that we have too many senses to ignore is sometimes the best tool." Jason finished his speech and saw the wry smile of Garrett. "Sorry."

Garrett shook his head. "Don't apologize for what you feel passionate about. I feel awful sometimes for spending my magical career with my ass in a chair and slowly gaining carpal tunnel." He paced a little. "You doing anything today?"

"Training the kid." Jason nodded to himself. "This week is all weird balancing act moves." He checked his phone and sighed. "Gotta go."

Garrett waved as he started back inside, heading down to his tidy basement domain where his code sat waiting for him on the blinking screen. Since his trip to the hospital his room had stayed clean from his roommates fixing it up for his return. He had felt so guilty over his accidental overdose that he'd kept his room in a pristine state once he woke up.

Logging into his desktop, he started his usual routine of interacting with an idle game, watching a show, and hammering away at the latest assignment of code. The work usually took him at least four hours a night, with episodes ticking by on his watch history as he added more and more. For Garrett, hundreds of lines could be added, and even more could be edited before he needed a break. It was a mixture of ADHD, autism, anxiety, and passion that allowed him his constant mesh of typing and analyzing.

In a quick two hours he had completed the assignment, and spent another hour testing and debugging. With it ready, he zipped the files and sent them to Ethan and his mentor. Once all of the board was online, he prepared to meet with them in a video call to review his work. One by one they signed on and pulled up his work, loading the program themselves and smiling as they watched it work.

Garrett sat patiently as he waited for Ethan and the others to review the code he had created in only a few short hours. He chewed his nails and tapped his pen on the desk, fidgeting heavily.

"Well done." One of the mentors smiled into his webcam. "I see no reason to keep you held up for the rest of the night. How about you Ethan?"

"Looks good to me. Garrett, I want you to practice these interfaces for tomorrow okay?" Ethan continued to scan his code with his eyes.

"Can do!" Garrett smiled. "See you all tomorrow." The chat one by one dropped in members until Garrett signed off.

Sitting in his room in silence, he looked up at the ceiling for a few minutes. His thoughts swirled around the workload, the defrag, his cabal, and the hospital trip. The process of sifting through his mind piece by piece to detect any memories that shouldn't be there was like a vivid acid trip. For fourteen hours they probed through every childhood mistake, every awkward lie, and every regret.

The memories and dreams tied to his conversation with Ethan were separated, and still being rebuilt into a coherent file. Garrett checked his clock, his boredom rising. The last week his head had been flooded with equations, code, studies of programs on the human body, and even a basic theory of the spiritual world when it mixed with the digital.

Studying was the only thing that kept his mind from the pain of their last few missions, and though he wasn't to the point of screaming in his sleep like Jason, he'd gotten very little true rest. The dreams of the torture had been replaced with the mangled face of the Fey, the car crash, the blood and bodies of the vampires, and the human golem of flesh from the forest.

When he slept, each of these played out on repeat in his mind until he woke up in a cold sweat. He looked up at the ceiling and headed back to the living room, catching Miles as he walked across the carpet.

"I was thinking we could hang out if you had time?" He shrugged. "I didn't know if you were busy."

"Sorry. I have something I have to look into." Miles sighed. "It's been all week."

"Maybe I could help." Garrett smiled, his nervousness showing. Miles had been so busy lately that Garrett was worried he wouldn't get any time with him. "We could kick ideas back and forth."

"Maybe next time." Miles said as he grabbed his jacket.

"No worries!" Garrett called as he watched Miles walk out the door. "I'll just be here I guess..." His heart sank and internally he kicked himself for not having the courage to tell Miles how he felt about him. For almost a year he'd kept his feelings in check, sneaking glances and little moments of time in with Miles, but it was never enough.

While he had never felt even a twinge of interest in sex, Garrett was deeply romantic, and pined for someone to hold at night. His asexuality had gotten in the way of the previous times he tried to date, and over the years he had told himself cruel lies about how he would date in the future.

Garrett went to go find Derrick, and saw him and Jason running drills in the backyard. As he slid open the glass door he waved to Derrick, causing him to lose focus and fall on his ass again. "Could you not distract him?" Jason snapped, taking the boy by the hand and standing him up.

"Sorry I was just-".

"Training will be done by dinner, you can come back then." Jason turned away and ordered Derrick to resume his stances.

"Right." Garrett slid the door closed again and turned back to the house, thumbing the counter for what to do next. He started up the stairs, and headed right for Ariana and Kai. "Got time?" He poked his head into Ariana's room, hearing a shriek of anger as a pillow hit the door, Ariana covering herself as quickly as she could while Kai yelled at him to shut the door. "Whoops."

Garrett sighed as he wondered what to do now, and as Star Trek played in the background of the living room, he flipped through his contacts with a bored and dejected look. One of the members contacted him after he had been sitting on the couch for an hour, and grabbing his jacket, he headed for the meetup.

***

"You okay?" Carter, an older member of The Mercurial Elite who was said to have witnessed the punch card days of computers, sat next to Garrett at the bar.

"Sure why not?" Garrett patted the counter with fake happiness.

"I'll buy the first round if you cut the bullshit and talk to me about what's actually eating you." Carter sighed.

Garrett faked pouting while the bartender grabbed them each a drink. "Miles still doesn't know I'm in love with him, Derrick is training to be a murderer, I think Jason is losing his fucking mind, and Kai and Ariana are so wrapped up in their bullshit I can't get a word in." Garrett took a sip. "It's like high school all over again."

Carter nodded as he drank. "You feel like you don't belong?"

"I know I contribute. But I don't weild a gun unless I'm forced to, I don't fight, I don't research, I don't even practice the same kind of...art." He looked around the bar, keeping his voice low.

"You said you're looking into bio, matter, dimensional sciences, is that not enough for you to grow with? You have a star apprenticeship."

Garrett sighed. "Thanks. I feel a lot better."

"Don't be sarcastic with me." Carter said in a gruff tone. "All I mean is, what does it look like for you to feel successful?"

"I'd like to do something no one in our company has done before." Garrett shifted in his seat and looked up at Carter. "Every day we have thousands of new pieces of information and then we make this slow march towards what we can do next. I want to take us to the next level."

"That sounds a little ambitious, what's the next level supposedly?"

"I wanna project the digital web onto the material. Creating panels like the ones we have with instant access. The digital web makes the hardware we have in the meat world look useless." Garrett nodded to his beer before he took another sip. "I want to mesh."

"You could start with VR." Carter shrugged. "Like a really dynamic system and OS that you design. We have a couple basic operating systems for it."

"VR is cool, but it's not quite the same. I want constant immersion."

"That sounds like you've been back on a superhero movie kick."

"Don't judge."

"Garrett...I know you're in line to be the next leader." Carter said quietly. "Ethan told me all about it." Garrett was silent as he waited, his mind racing to figure out if Carter was messing with him. "I watched Ethan ascend to power and even stood behind his father when he led. Can I give you a little bit of advice?"

Garrett looked up at him and nodded, still unsure of what to say. "Everyone, especially in our order, feels like our time is short, and that we can't contribute everything we want to. We all fear outliving our own mind, and fear only having the technology to manifest our dreams when they wither away." Carter took a deep drink and sighed. "Everything you contribute to this order, from the memes, to the code, to the porn, and even your procrastinating, push us further."

"Without Garrett, our order would have lost some of the most important things we ever had. What you give and get will make the future. Just don't lose that fire." Carter finished his speech and smiled. "And by the way little guy, I never had much taste for sex either."

"You're like me?" Garrett felt his hands tremble.

"I've had partners, but nothing serious." Carter shrugged.

Garrett was quiet for a bit before he looked over again. "Why did you say I was in line for the next leader of the chantry?"

"No...Garrett, you're next in line to lead us." He paused, wondering how much he should say. "You're in line for the head of the organization."

Garrett froze, his eyes scanning the face of Carter as he searched for any indication of truth."No, I'm pretty sure I'm not. I can't even fully download myself."

"You're not ready yet, but you will be." Carter smirked.

"No that's...that's bullshit." He shook his head and downed his drink.

"Believe what you like. I'm not here to try and sway you into leading. I can tell you, everyone in the order has taken notice of your work. It's not just promising or beautiful, it's unreal."

Garrett started laughing. "There must be hundreds of us out there. Thousands. You're gonna sit here and try to convince me I've broken some imaginary record?"

Carter held out his arms. "Is that so hard to believe? Your teammates hold their own kinds of records. Miles is quickly approaching a kill count of three hundred, Jason holds the youngest for apprenticeship, and Ariana has personally recruited more than thirty members to her order."

"I...didn't know about any of that except Jason's."

"Your group is a beacon of light. Wherever it goes, it'll change the world." Carter grinned. "I can't wait to see what becomes of you."

***

"Garrett, dinners in the fridge, Ariana and I took Derrick out, be back by 9. Miles is asleep, and Jason's studying. Have a good night.

Ps. No hard feelings about walking in on us earlier. - Kai"

Garrett snatched up the note and crumpled it in his hand, throwing it to the trash can on the far side of the kitchen. He climbed the stairs to gently knock on Jason's door. "Come in." The quiet voice called from the other side.

"Wanted to see if you had some time." Garrett said softly. "We could do a movie if you like."

Jason nodded, marking his place in his book and sitting up from the reclined position on his bed. "I think I need that, my head is starting to feel like a balloon."

Garrett sighed. "Tell me about it. I'm loving the study but it's starting to wear me down."

"At least you have topics you can skip over." Jason smiled as he stood, setting the book aside and walking to the door.

Garrett blinked a few times. "What's that mean?"

"Oh it's just a stupid personal goal. I want to master and study every kind of magic." Jason ruffled his own hair and walked with Garrett down to the living room.

"Every kind? Why?"

Jason looked determined with a cocky smile as he popped onto the couch. "What's the point in having access to bending reality if I don't learn every scrap of information I can? If I don't learn it all, have I really learned anything?"

Garrett grinned. "I like that about you. You're always ambitious. It's something I can relate to. Code and programming is like this world that no matter how many lifetimes I spent, I could still learn more. With the technological advancements we keep getting day after day, I'll never be done."

Jason turned on the TV and started flipping through movies until they settled on a cheesy horror flick. "On top of everything I want to get done, training Derrick is starting to wear my body down. I can't understand that level of energy." Jason rubbed his own shoulder. "I don't ever remember being that hectic as a kid."

"I was. I guess I still am." Garrett thought back. "I've never been able to sit still." He looked over at Jason and metered out his nervous question. "Are you okay? I mean...after the duel?"

Jason pulled up his shirt to reveal the large scar on his chest. "I'm alive."

"That's not what I mean though. Are you handling the emotional part of it well?" Garrett swallowed hard, nervous he was crossing a line.

"I don't...wanna bother you with my emotional crap about it." Jason muttered.

Garrett leaned closer. "It's okay to talk about anything you need to. You're the only one who didn't judge the hell out of me for using that program." He shrugged mournfully.

Jason watched the movie for another minute before he took a deep breath. "David is a fucking awful man. He's also the closest thing I ever had to a father. I keep wondering if it's all my fault for wanting to spare Derrick."

"Was he always like that?" Garrett asked.

Jason sucked air through his teeth in a bitter mocking noise. "His drinking got a lot worse as the years went by. Eventually he couldn't do any of his work without something in hand." He turned and looked at Garrett. "Personally, he's a great teacher, and a brilliant magician, but that started decaying as his life fell apart. He used to get plastered and ramble about his missing husband."

"Some of the Mercurial Elite came from privilege, some from poverty, but when we're on a computer it's like none of that matters. Things get simple." Garrett took a deep breath. "Still, the loss must have driven him mad. It makes me wonder how many of us end up alone or so worn down we can't get close to people anymore."

Jason nodded as he agreed. "It's hard to want to connect with a sleeper and then feel like they're never going to know you. Mages though are usually too wrapped up in their own world."

"Speaking of..." Garrett took a deep breath. "I got some heavy news today."

Jason lifted an eyebrow in curiosity. "What kind of news?"

"One of my good friends, older guy, pretty chill... he told me I was supposed to be in line for leading the Mercurial Elite some day."

They both sat for a few seconds before Jason nervously spoke. "Please don't take this the wrong way, it just seems-"

"Don't worry, I wouldn't pick me either." Garrett laughed. "I still think he might be screwing with my head for some reason. We have a streak of trolls and hackers."

"Trolls? In a bunch of computer addicts?" Jason grinned and looked at the screen for a bit before he turned back to Garrett. "Do you think you'd ever take the position?"

Garrett blinked like the thought hadn't even crossed his mind. "Of leading? I wouldn't know the first thing about it."

"Sure you do." Jason nodded. "What are Ariana and Kai allergic to?"

"Kai can't do a lot of seafood, Ariana can't have anything with real soy in it, and they both try to avoid heavy sugar." Garrett's memory rattled.

Jason smiled. "You're like me when it comes to those little details. It's the people around us that give us something to look forward to." Jason tapped away on his phone for a second and then set it down. "I think without this group we'd both be either bored to tears or sink ourselves with our projects."

Garrett appreciated the sentiment but wasn't sure how to take it. He feigned interest in the TV while he thought. "Jason?"

"What's up dude?" Jason said as he tapped more on his phone.

Garrett waited as he summoned the courage to ask him. "Can I...come on a mission with you sometime?"

"Most of the ones I get are pretty boring, but I don't mind." He nodded.

Garrett swallowed hard. "No...I mean a violent one. Like...one of the killings."

Jason went quiet, and set his phone down on the floor before looking up at Garrett. "What do you know?" He asked coldly.

Garrett shifted to ease the tension. "So you have been killing." Jason was infuriated in the trap he was caught in by Garrett. His glare was heavy towards the screen as he tried to avoid eye contact. "I figured something had happened, so I asked Vicente the last time I saw him. He got really strange and mentioned you were just doing your job. That and...you have a gun now that you always have close." He took a deep breath. "I've watched you have plenty of PTSD episodes...but this is different. You're like a different person."

Jason grit his teeth. "Just stay out of it please."

"I'm worried if you keep doing it alone...you're gonna get hurt." Garrett watched Jason clench his hands tighter. "You don't have to do it alone...I know how you feel about hurting people."

Tears gathered in Jason's eyes, and one by one they dripped down the gentle cheeks that were covering his grit teeth. "Just shut up." He tried to keep himself from showing the growing pain inside. "I can handle it."

"Jason..." Garrett reached out for one of Jason's hands. "We can talk about it."

"Please...just leave me alone." Jason got up and headed for the stairs. He paused as he took the railing with one hand. "I'm sorry."