Voodoo Girl Pt. 01

"Frank would never-" Ariel started, but she was interrupted when Wendy slammed a fist down on the table. I didn't have to know her that well to know this was an uncharacteristic and, judging from the expressions from those at the table, frightening side of Wendy.

I cleared my throat. "Look, I should go. Thanks for the meal. It was... really nice of you. I appreciate it."

I went to stand but Wendy grabbed my arm. "They're right about one thing. I can't allow you to take our food anymore. It's not right to the group."

"I won't," I said, perhaps too quickly.

Her smile was disbelieving. "Yes, you will. And then I'll have to let them deal with you. Please do us all a favor and join us."

"What?!" Ariel shrieked. "Are you kidding me right now, Wendy?"

"I really don't think we need another person here," Libby snapped.

Ariel tugged Nate's sleeve. "What do you think? You don't agree with your mom, right?"

"I think," he began, "that my mother's right." He eyed me with suspicion. "We let her in, we keep an eye on her. First sign of trouble we kick her ass out."

"Of course she'll be trouble. She's been stealing shit for months!" Ariel pushed her plate away disgustedly. "I can't believe you right now."

"Ariel, if you can't act like an adult you're more than welcome to leave the table." Wendy sounded so much like a stern mother that a small laugh escaped from me.

Then my smile died. I couldn't remember the last time I laughed, or smiled, or found anything amusing. The ball of emotion in my chest grew. I didn't want this. Any of this.

"No." Their faces turned towards me. "I don't want my story to become yours, or your story to become mine."

"Your story is already ours," Wendy whispered. "We share a story. It's a tragedy, and it's terrible, but we fight every day to make it better. Please stay with us. I want to help you."

I stifled a sob and laughed bitterly instead. "Help me? How can you help me? And why the hell would you want to help me?"

Wendy reached over and hugged me. God help me, but I wept. I couldn't stop. Tremors of pain, of unreleased sorrow wracked through my body.

She helped me stand and brought me upstairs. I hardly knew what was happening, but somewhere in my mind I registered she was setting me down on a very soft mattress. How good it felt.

I cried harder. "I miss my mom. I miss my grandmother and my father. I miss everyone."

Wendy pushed some hair back from my forehead. "I know you do, sweetheart. I know you do."

_______________

At some point I fell asleep. When I woke, I nearly had a heart attack. I couldn't remember where I was or why.

Slowly everything came back to me, and I blushed with shame for having let myself be so vulnerable in Wendy's eyes. In all of their eyes. If I didn't want to stay before, I knew I couldn't stay now.

I tore off the blue dress and stepped into my tattered jeans and my wrinkled t-shirt. The house was quiet, but I wasn't an idiot. I didn't doubt someone was watching for me.

But when I got downstairs, there wasn't a soul to be seen. I rushed outside and finally relaxed when my boots hit the grass.

"I hope you aren't planning on grabbing some take-out while you sneak away."

I spun around and spotted Nate on the porch, watching from the shadows.

I tried to stand straighter. "Of course not."

"Right." He came closer to me. He assessed me frankly and deeply, so intently I could have sworn he read my thoughts. "You have an important choice to make: stay or go."

"I made it already."

He shook his head. "You can stay here. Be isolated, fine. Never speak, okay. But my mom's got it in her head you belong with us. She likes you."

I stared at the ground. "That's crazy. I haven't given her a reason to."

"No," he agreed with a smile in his voice, "but that's just my mom. She's a sentimental kind of lady, and she's going to be brokenhearted when she wakes up to see you snuck out in the night. She also loves projects. And the truth of the matter is she thinks we need you just as much as you need us."

My head lifted so I could stare at him.

"We all need to stick together or we're never going to survive."

"I thought you hated me. That you couldn't trust me."

He pursed his lips and gazed up at the sky. "I don't trust you. I also think my mom is nuts for wanting you to stay."

I hugged myself and rubbed my arms. "So why are you stopping me?"

"Guilt," he said simply. "I wouldn't be able to face her if I couldn't at least say I tried." He still kept his gaze on the sky.

"I just..." I, too, looked upwards. The sun was rising, and thousands of stars were melting into the dawn. "I don't know. I can't make up my mind."

"You can always leave later. We're not gonna chain you down."

"I don't think I can do fuzzy and happy like you guys do."

He laughed mirthlessly and I glanced at him, struck by how much more attractive he was when he smiled. "Fuzzy and happy? Clearly you're seeing what you want to. If you don't think we haven't suffered, lost, been nearly killed then you're an idiot."

I felt like an idiot. "I'm sorry. I just mean-"

"We haven't checked out like you. The only thing that separates us from them is we can still feel. We can make a decision to stay alive, and really live, or do what you're doing. And honestly? What you're doing sucks, and it isn't that different from being like them." His eyes flicked down and then back up my body. "Think it over."

He went back to the front door and entered the house.

I already knew what I was going to do. I'd been running too long and I was tired. I wanted to avoid people, to avoid depending on anyone else, but I forgot what it was like to be touched, to talk to someone. To be around people that didn't want to eat me.

I knew it was stupid, that I'd be sorry, but fuck I was greedy. I wanted more. I wanted to stay.

Yet another deadly sin. It felt too good to pass up. And hadn't I already done my penance?

So I spun on my heel and went back upstairs.

________

Ariel gave me such a nasty look the next morning I nearly smiled. Zach sipped from his mug, seemingly resigned to the fact I stayed.

Libby and Doug came into the kitchen, laughing about something. They stopped short when they saw me. Libby rolled her eyes and muttered something under breath.

Wendy poured me more coffee-coffee!-and sat down.

Ariel stood, her chair dragging loudly against the floor. "I'm going on patrol. Zach, you coming?"

Doug sat across from me. "Don't worry about her. She's resistant to change. We all are. Things have changed enough, no?"

"I don't want to upset everybody." I stared down at my coffee. "It's not fair to come here and screw everything up."

"You already have," Libby said. Wendy shot her a glare. "What?! She has!"

"I want the two of you to take Fiona around on a tour of the farm, okay?"

Doug nodded and downed his coffee. Libby looked like she wanted to stab herself with her butter knife. She ran her fingers through her short, black hair and watched me curiously.

"I'm surprised you made it all this time by yourself. You don't seem like the type."

"Libby," Wendy muttered in warning.

My eyebrows lifted. "The type?"

"You're kind of a Barbie girl." She bit her fingernails and I took a better glimpse at the long and very detailed snake tattoo curling up her arm.

I was more than a little insulted. "A Barbie girl? Just because I don't have skulls tattooed on my tits doesn't mean I'm not capable of taking care of myself."

Libby smirked and Nate decided to stroll into the kitchen at just that second. He poured himself some coffee and sat down at the table with us. I could have sworn he was fighting a smile.

"She's definitely not Ariel's type," Doug said, continuing on the conversation.

"Ariel couldn't last a day by herself, and didn't. She was lucky as shit to have found Zach to save her. I'm just curious about this one, that's all."

Wendy changed the subject. "Shouldn't you three be heading out?"

Libby rolled her eyes but Doug smiled and put his arm around my back. "Prepare to be amazed."

_______________

They had cows and chickens. They made their own cheese, and on special occasions had steak or chicken. Mostly they ate a vegetarian diet, which I heartily approved of. It was hard eating animals after we knew what it was like to be hunted. It was also a question of logistics; they just didn't have that many animals to eat.

"And we have an electric fence," Doug said, a big, proud grin spreading across his face.

My neck snapped to gape at him. "How? How do you get the electricity?"

"Generators. We have a waterfall nearby and we've taken over an already existing system there using a running turbine. It's some pretty awesome, high-tech stuff. Zach helps us out with it. The water runs across the turbine, which moves the copper coils of the generator. We have power lines that run along over here that carry the electricity. There's more to it than that, but Zach's got it covered. He's invaluable, man, let me tell you."

I was impressed and looked up the power wires, rubbing the back of my neck.

"We turn them off whenever anyone is out on a mission. We try to keep the communication heavy, you know, because we don't like keeping them off for long."

"Mission?"

Libby snorted. "Yeah. Sometimes we need supplies, so we go looting. We're rural here, so it takes a while. Somebody needs to go head over to the place Doug just told you about and make sure it's running smoothly. All this has to be done in as much daylight as we got. And sometimes we trade with people passing by, whatever."

"Everyone has a role of some kind." Doug smacked my back in camaraderie. "You'll get used to it."

We'd reached the barn and Libby sank onto a pile of hay. "Know how to shoot?"

"A gun?" Her smile made me feel like an idiot. "No. Seemed like an unnecessary risk using them. They're so loud and I've just used my knife. I used to have a big sword but I lost it."

It sounded ridiculous to say "sword", but she nodded to herself and looked out to the center of the compound. Zach and Ariel looked like they were arguing about something. "Uh oh, Romeo and Juliet are fighting."

I peered over at them, not even aware they were a couple. They seemed like total opposites, and the way Ariel watched Nate I was sure they had something between them.

Libby smiled at me. "That'll be next for you then. You have to know how to shoot one."

"I'll teach you," Doug volunteered.

I exhaled heavily. "Thank you."

"Are you overwhelmed?" Libby asked me, plucking a piece of hay between her fingers.

"A little."

She smiled slightly. "I was, too. You get used to it."

"Do you think I'm too much of a Barbie to get there?"

Her eyes flicked up to mine and her smile widened. "Time will tell, Princess. Something tells me you could kick a few asses if you had to." Her face sobered and she stood up. "Look, I'm sorry. It's just not in my code to like and trust somebody blindly. It's gonna take me a while. Just stay out of my way and do what you're supposed to and we'll be good."

"Understood." I was surprised she even said that much.

We went back to the house a little later. I felt strangely, and as I saw Libby smile at me (albeit reluctantly), I realized it was because I was already making the steps to belonging—whether I wanted to or not.

____________

That night I separated from the group after dinner and sat on the porch. My bare feet dangled over the damp soil. It awed me that things still grew from it, that mosquitoes buzzed around me even now and that the earth managed to continue spinning.

I leant back on my elbows and stargazed for a long time. After a while I became aware of a presence next to me.

Doug was to the left of me, whistling softly. He stared into the expanse of grass that eventually faded into the dark forest and rubbed his hands repeatedly over his knees; he was obviously anxious about something. As the minutes stretched on, I absorbed some of his nervousness and felt dread about whatever he was working up to say to me.

He cleared his throat. "I don't want to bother you. I don't know if you want to be alone or not."

"It's okay," I said slowly. "What's on your mind?"

"I just wanted to tell you... I'm glad you're here. And ignore the girls. Libby'll warm up to you soon enough, she's a good girl. And Ariel? Ariel... just keep ignoring her."

I smirked at the last part. Truly I was touched and surprised he was going out of his way to reach out to me. "Thank you."

"You're going to like it here. It's really safe. Good people. Nate is my hero. He saved my ass a few months ago." He glanced at me, a small smile playing on his lips. "He's a few people's hero around here."

I didn't want to touch that, but I did have a question I'd been dying to ask someone. "Who's Frank?"

Doug's face clouded and he leant away from me. "A man who used to live here."

I pulled at a stray stand of fabric of my dress and bit my tongue. I wanted to know more but it was too soon. I figured I'd get it out of someone eventually.

"It doesn't matter," Doug said after a bit of silence. "You'll learn that. It doesn't matter what came yesterday. Not anymore."

I let that statement swim through my mind. It sounded like something Doug recited to himself to get by, and there was a bit of truth in it that depressed me. It didn't matter that I graduated college at the top of my class, or that I used to sing at a local bar, or that I didn't think I could ever love Joe back.

I tried to change the subject. "I'm impressed by the way you've guys set yourselves up here. I've seen a few other camps and they're nothing like this."

Doug nodded with a wry smile. "That's why we don't have to just protect ourselves from those undead shits out there. Others want what we have, and you better bet your ass they'll do anything to get it."

"Do they come often?"

"Yup." Doug pulled up a weed. "Truth be told, I hate them more than those monsters. These people are still people and they know what they're doing, and they do it anyway."

I shuddered remembering some of the horrific things I'd seen-fathers slitting sons' throats because they wouldn't give them more food, daughters leaving mothers behind to be eaten and dismembered.

"But like I said, you're safe here. As safe as anybody could be."

Every star was out that night. I watched them, recalling a fact someone told me once: When we look at stars, we're really looking into the past. Most of the stars are already dead. They died millions and millions of years ago, probably, and we only saw them now.

Doug put his hand on my shoulder. "It's going to be okay, sweetie."

I collapsed into his shoulder, realizing only then that I was crying.

_________

Wendy set me up on a bed made of a dozen comforters in the middle of the living room. She also gave me a bunch of clothes that fit closely enough. She apologized she didn't have a mattress for me yet. I waved off her worries and fell into my bed, submerging myself into the deepest sleep I'd ever known.

Libby shook me awake. It was dark, and my brain was foggy. I rubbed my eyes. "What's wrong?"

"It's our turn to milk the cows," she whispered.

I fought back a groan and sat up, shuddering in the early morning cold. I shivered on some sweats and followed her outside.

There were two cows there and four calves sleeping beside them. It was an amazing sight to see.

She handed me a pail and knelt down, pointing to the space beside her. I took the hint and knelt down into the soft earth. The hint of manure in the air nearly made me gag.

"You should wash her udders first," Libby whispered. She dipped a cloth into a pail of cool water she'd brought with her and tenderly wiped the cow. "It relaxes her."

She then wrapped her fingers around one teat. "Just like this. Then squeeze firmly, but not too hard, and get maybe three or four squirts out of it. Gets rid of dirt and bacteria."

"Okay."

I must've looked a little queasy because she actually smiled and said, "You'll get used to it."

Everyone kept saying I was going to get used to things and it was slowly driving me crazy. That was one of my biggest fears. I didn't want to get used to things, because things were unbelievably shitty.

Libby went on with her directions. "K, so then you wrap your thumb and finger and gently squeeze. You'll feel the milk coming, so that's when you release your fingers a bit. And that's it. Got it?"

I nodded but I didn't really. "I'm probably going to fuck this up. I wasn't made to do this kind of thing."

"None of us were," she snorted. "Just milk the cow."

I sighed and reached out my hand for one of the cow's udders. I massaged it like Libby showed me and then squeezed. That's when the milk squirted me right in the face.

Libby burst out laughing and even I joined in. I couldn't recall the last time I found something funny, so I basked in it. Libby showed me how to do it again and I got the hang of it.

We worked in silence for a while. When Libby was satisfied we had enough milk, she tapped my shoulder and we headed out. The sun was just rising and the sky looked beautiful. Libby stopped walking and stared at something in the distance.

"Oh, there's my cat! He's sleeping. Come meet him."

I followed, strangely excited to see a cat and a little surprised that Libby of all people would have a pet.

"Oscar!" she called, bending down to pet him.

Libby froze. I looked down at the bundle of fur and couldn't understand her trepidation. I stepped closer and she hissed, "Don't!"

"What's wrong?" I hated how scared I sounded.

"He's dead," she said flatly.

I knelt down beside her. Sure enough the cat's tongue hung outside the side of his mouth and one eye was opened, staring at nothing. The quiet between us was eerie. I wanted to apologize, to say some comforting words, but I knew my comfort was unwelcome. Her face was stony and frighteningly devoid of emotion.

She dropped her hands and relaxed into the ground. She let out the most heartbreaking wail I'd ever heard. Tentatively I wrapped my arm around her shoulders. She turned and wept into my neck. We sat there for what seemed like hours, mourning for something much more than a beloved pet.

_____________

Libby didn't come down for dinner. No one said a word about the horrendous sobs we heard coming from upstairs. At some point as we ate canned beans and boxed potatoes, the crying stopped. Doug stood.

"I'm gonna go check on her."

Wendy looked beside herself. When Doug disappeared, she touched my arm and whispered, "Did the cat look like... it had been attacked? I've wanted to ask since you came home but—"

I could feel Nate's stare, and I shifted uncomfortably.

"No. He looked... it looked natural."

She smiled at me with watery eyes. "Thank you, Fiona. I don't know how to comfort her. She's so delicate and I'm overhanded with the sympathy sometimes."

I didn't know what to say. Ariel rolled her eyes and the sight provoked me. I turned back to Wendy. "No, you're not. I just think Doug is the best person to hang with her for right now."

Zach cleared his throat. "Maybe this isn't the best time, but it's important. I saw MacKenzie this afternoon. He didn't say anything, he was just... watching."

Everyone grew still at the news. Nate and Wendy stared at one another, carrying on a silent conversation.

I was at a loss but I sensed this was more important than I could imagine. "Um, could someone please explain?"

"MacKenzie is just a boy with too much time on his hands," Wendy said, but she wouldn't meet my eyes.

Doug snickered. "He's not a boy, he's an asshole. A dangerous asshole. He has a bunch of mavericks following him around who are crazy idiots. They like chaos."

"They want what we have, and they like to play around with us. It's a sport," Wendy explained. "We have to fight them off every now and then."