Voodoo, One, Two, Three 01

Hey there, I'm not known as Voodoo because I actually have any mysterious powers, but thanks to a weird coincidence once when I was surrounded by a couple of bullies after a basketball game, it was the name that was given to me by the onlookers who didn't come to my rescue much. Which, what the hell, right? Is it really better to stand safely back and aim a video camera phone rather than to step up and help a crying guy out? I mean, geez, one, two, three.

But anyways, there I was, surrounded by a couple of bullies who I'm not saying were out to gang bang me or even circle jerk me, but it was very obvious that they wanted a first-hand view of what type of undies I wore to the basketball. I mean, one, two, three, I told them that they were the same undies that they spied me wearing earlier in the day, one, two, three, but apparently, after just a few sodas at the basket game, they were one, two, three hyped up and wanted proof positive, one, two, three.

Oh, and I'm only using the word "bullies" because "unruly" sounds weird, not that I'm suggesting that someone come up with a new title for those guys who like to push and poke, but keep things almost under control beyond that. Also, I just don't like how the word "unruly" looks in print, one, two, three.

So, back to that fateful evening when I felt that I had built up enough nerve to interact with a few people after the basketball game then, one, two, three. I got real scared from them surrounding me and I got scared big time and it didn't take very long for me to start crying scared as they pushed and poked me around their human circle and of course, that means it didn't really take very long for my eye mascara to start running down my cheeks from all my crying and running mascara doesn't look good on anyone, by the way, one, two, three, but it does give off that scary and spooky look and that seemed to help slow the guys down just a bit, one, two, three, but not slow enough to end the horror.

LOL, that's when I just started to scream my little lungs out, LOL, like at the top of my little lungs, one, two, three and with all that being combined with a very fortunate and odd coincidence of a high-power transformer blowing just overhead, which painted the entire area with that bright blue flash, I mean, with my screaming face and with my running mascara all highlighted with the lightning bright flash of blue, right? LOL, I'm fortunate that I wasn't tagged as the Voodoo Doll, right?

But it worked and in flash, one, two, three, the three unruly guys split off running like a star burst, one, two, three, like with a swish this way and a swoosh that way and with a stumbling up the middle, one, two, three. But it worked and I was left alone and somewhat safe, one, two, three. I mean, it all left me with a wet pee spot in my shorts from being so scared, but it worked. Also running eye mascara from "scared" crying, just doesn't one, two, three, look good on anyone, so.

But never mind that, I mean, the point is, LOL, big, bad bullies, right? They were afraid of a blue flash explosion overhead and from my screaming and my voodoo spooky face and they ran, ran, ran!

But either way, be it Voodoo or be it just a coincidence, it worked and I was free to highlight my eyes without a lot of fear ever since, so yay Voodoo or yay power transformers that one, two, three, explode at just the right time then!

Now it seemed like I had some Voodoo powers with the way they all came back around to apologize and then try to, you know, snuggle up and call things cool, which was almost cool because it showed me that I just might have a little a power over guys who one, two, three like guys like me, but that wasn't why I dressed or wore facial makeup. I mean, with the way things have worked out for me, one, two, three in the features department, I mean, I'm just a better dressed as a one, two, three, cute guy than just a normal guy, so. And those are not just one, two, three, my words alone, so. I mean, the unruly guys came back around to apologize for a reason, right? And I'm actually asking this time because they all came back around, so?????

Oh, and I used to be mad about this, but at least five people witnessed my near gang bang circle jerk episode and they all choose to video it rather than to lend me a helping hand, but as it turned out, their videos with the amazing blue flash in background helped to solidify me as Voodoo, so I got over that, not that I have ever one, two, three, forgotten who those five people are!

But I got over things (not) and moved on. And maybe I let Andrew (a previous unruly bully) back into my life, but not until like two years later. I mean, we were all young and dumb just over two years ago and he did seem remorseful and all and his aunt did live on the same street as me, so you know, forgive and one, two, three, forget, right?

Besides, it wasn't like being tagged as Voodoo brought with it a ton of friends, so, one, two, three, you take what you can get and I must be one, two, three, right about that, am I right?

Anyways, one, two, three, continuing on with Andrew and I promise it was never about payback, but once or twice a month, I would pay him back by taking advantage of his Aunt Hillary's uncomfortable, yet regular "when are you going to settle down" convo, which had him driving down the street, which had him passing by my house, one, two, three, which led to him stopping in occasionally to change out of his swimming board, one, two, three, shorts, which led to me showing off all of the undies waistbands and legs that his one, two, three, faggot ass could handle, not that I was one, two, three, paying him back or anything. I mean, little ole me was just providing Andrew with a safe changing haven for a just a few moments.

Also, yep, I started to buy much better run proof mascara too, one, two, three.

"I mean, Voodoo, what just happened here then?"

"Oh, relax, Andrew, you changed in my spare bedroom like you do a couple of times a month and then I joined this time, one, two, three. I mean, guys have been changing in front of each other for eons, so?"

"Yeah, but I changed out of my swim trunks and you changed into a bikini then, so"

"Oh, I mean, this is more of a makeshift bikini and its actually women's sportswear, but thank you for thinking of things that way, so? Besides, I'll slip on shorts and a t-shirt on soon enough, so?"

"Yeah, but, I mean, Voodoo, I mean."

"Well, it's a tie, Andrew. I moved backwards as I was slipping these exercise shorts up my legs and you pressed forward and then we paused for a moment, so it's a tie then, one, two, three. Also, I mean, that was pretty sexual for sure, but we, like you and I, are not one, two, three, sexual, so?"

Oh, it was totally sexual, folks! But I wasn't paying him back for anything. I just wanted his attention and oh boy, I got his attention alright! And then he pressed forward with his attention and one, two, three, paid me a little attention by parting the red sea with his biblical staff, one, two, three.

"Um, I should get going then, Voodoo, so?"

"I figured that, Andrew, but I wanted to one, two, three, talk."

"Ugh, Voodoo, stop! I mean, with the way Andrew rolls off of your lips and all, I mean, just call me Andy like everyone else, alright? One, two, three and all."

Well, at least my lips were on his mind, not that, one, two, three, I was going to smack them, one, two, three. Oh, wait, no, that other use of my lips wasn't happening, one, two, three, either.

"Fine, Andy, listen, Andy, I wanted to talk to you, one, two, three, about the holiday 4th weekend and whatever you say in return is what you say, one, two, three. I have full and private access to my uncle's cabin on the lake for that entire weekend and."

"I'll go! I mean, you're going to wear that makeshift bikini, right, Voodoo?"

"Ooh, slow down, Andy and let me finish, but thanks for the ego boost."

I mean, my makeshift bikini was actually just under modest exercise wear, so LOL, one, two, three, maybe I could do better! Or maybe not, just yet anyways.

Also, Margo is about to enter the story, but Margo was always pretty one, two, three neutral with me, so I actually invited Margo and her boyfriend, Mickey along first. I mean, my uncle's cabin had a boat and Mickey was a boat guy and the lake association was having a big fireworks display, so.

"Listen, Andy, I already invited Margo and Mickey along and the cabin only has two bedrooms and a one, two, three, pullout couch, so?"

"Oh, so I would be sleeping on the couch then, Voodoo?"

"Well, the long holiday weekend sleeping arrangements do seem to be clearly one, two, three, very black and white and if that's a deciding factor for you, then this convo is over, so?"

Oh, OK, the convo was over then, one, two, three, I guess, which was fine. I mean, my invitation did have "awkward" written all over, LOL, in black and white, but I put it out there, so yay me, right?

But my black and white, one, two, three, calendar kept going and the holiday weekend came, so my plans didn't change much. I left a day early to open the windows and freshen the linen uptown at the laundry mat, snag up a little food and water and prepared for Margo and Mickey to arrive the next day, one, two, three.

Also, huh, I had never noticed before, but huh, the tall trees just behind the cabin make for perfectly spaced parking spots like, huh then. And what does "mat" stand for in laundry mat anyways?

Anyways.

"Alright, Voodoo, I've never been much of a cabin girl, so what do I need to know then? And should Mickey move his truck and park more evenly between the trees that are clearly parking spot markers?"

"Oh, Margo, there are only a couple of things to know. My uncle has had his cabin opened for a while now, so that's all taken care of, one, two, three, but you should know that it's a two-bedroom cabin with just one bathroom, so bath robes or swimwear should be taken with you when you shower. And there may or may not be a new Egyptian cotton bath robe and towels for you in a bag in the bedroom that I have selected for you and Mickey to use, so."

"Really, Voodoo?"

"Well, it's not that I was worried that I would never ever have the one, two, three, opportunity to experience a girl in a hotel room while wearing such a soft and thick bath robe or anything. And Mickey, there's the boat, so go get familiar with it then. And rinse off the life preservers, please, I get a bit, one, two, three, nervous on the water, so. Also, the cabin has well water, so we'll get plenty of fresh drinking and cooking water from one, two, three, town."

"Yes, mom."

"And Margo, I'll need your help with the fresh bedding linen too."

"Ah, mom, I had that assignment last year, boo-hoo, LOL."

I mean, my invitation never said it was comedy week at the cabin, but, one, two, three, whatever. But I did tell Mickey to go check out the boat, so, one, two, three, Mickey is a good boy and he listens to mom, LOL, I mean, a boat guy and a boat, right?

"Alright, Voodoo, what's this linen set for then? And you're a dream voodoo doll for the whip ass, LOL, one, two, three, Egyptian cotton bath robe!"

"Um, it's for the pullout couch, Margo, but we can just, one, two, three, set it aside, I guess, so?"

"Oh, so, "set it aside, I guess" like in maybe it was originally going be used then, huh? I mean, is there something I should know then?"

"Well, never mind about all that, Margo, I mean, while Mickey is busy with the boat, I mean, I just wanted to let you know that I won't be flashing around this weekend, so?"

"Oh, um, I mean, this is your place Voodoo and you're the voodoo well water host and I've known about the difference between boy parts and girl parts for longer than I care to admit, but if you wanted to test the one, two, three waters with Mickey, I mean, slip something on and walk down the dock then and we'll take things from there. Also, is there something I should know about why the pullout couch is on standby then?"

[Vroom, vroom, vroom]

"Well, Mickey figured out the boat then."

"Hmm, boys and boats, right? Is there much eye candy around this lake for him to just barely stay out of trouble with me then, Voodoo?"

"Oh, I mean, it's not exactly a retirement village lake, but one, two, three, who knows who might be visiting with family for the holiday weekend, right?"

"Acceptable, for now, so????"

"Fine, I offered the couch to Andrew, I mean, Andy, but he one, two, three, declined, which is fine based on how awkward things may have gotten, so?"

"Oh, well then, Voodoo, things can't be really be awkward unless something else previously happened, so? Also, Andy? That's kind of "wow" then."

Damn! Girl chit chat never leads to anything good! Not that I was, one, two, three, obligated to engage with it, right?

"Well, it doesn't matter, Margo. It's just the three of us now and before this goes any one, two, three, further, Andrew and I had one moment and no more, so just leave that alone then, alright?"

"LOL, yes, mom, but what type of one moment then? I mean, like a tight hugging moment or maybe a little kissing moment? And did you spell him with your mysterious voodoo powers then, Voodoo?"

"Margo, I mean, first of one, two, three, all, his eyes have never said "kiss me" and secondly, I never knew that hugging qualifies as a "moment" and thirdly, I upgraded my mascara, so my voodoo powers, along with my spooky face look have disappeared, so."

"Oh, then let's get to good stuff then, Voodoo!"

"Fine, last weekend, well, we were in the same room while he changed out of his swimming shorts and while I was changing into my one, two, three, makeshift bikini and maybe there was some bending over and maybe there was some scooting backwards while bent over and maybe, one, two, three, Andrew pressed forward, so."

"Holy fucking shit, Voodoo! I mean, we're just talking here, so carry on and with just a little more detail then, so?"

"Margo, it was like 8 seconds, but it was 8 seconds of, um, well, we should run uptown and get some supplies then, one, two, three, alright?"

"Yeah, but, Voodoo, well, alright then, um, I mean, I'll assume that there was no more than a little, one, two, three, splitting of the loaf of bread, but whew, I mean, to town it one, two, three is then. Also, should I be texting Andy and tell him that Mickey is crying for a holiday bromance partner then?"

"Oh, no, Margo, it was a moment, which, LOL, I call "the one and only moment", but all that is one, two, three in the rear view, I mean, unless you happen to butt text him or something, but don't be sexy about it, understood?"

"LOL, yes, mom, to town then?"

I mean, people butt text half paragraphs all the time, so.

"Um, Voodoo, this is the grocery store then?"

"Margo, this is the grocery store, the hardware store, the boating supply store, the pharmacy, the sub sandwich counter, the gas station and the gossip center, so."

"Life at the cabin then, huh, Voodoo?"

"Life at the cabin, Margo."

I mean, we were not, one, to, three, in Middleton anymore, so.

"Welcome to the grocery store, folks and OMG, OMG, Bernie? Little fancy pants, Bernie?"

Oh, folks, I mean, they call me Voodoo now, but my real name is Bernie, so.

"I haven't seen you since I poked fun at you for buying lip gloss like two years ago and since you are with a friend, I won't even mention how you asked me if tampons were sold individually, I mean, oops."

"That's enough, Mrs. Greenwich. And the lip gloss was just one, two, three, a clear sheen anyways. Anyways, this is my friend, Margo and we're just picking up a few things. Also, I go by Voodoo these days, so."

"Well, "Voodoo", your friend has plenty of girl parts, so what is she doing with you then?"

"I mean, that's just rude, Mrs. Greenwich, but how is your faggot hubby then? Is he still one, two, three shooting first and then going to the bar for a shot and never asking questions, huh?"

"Well duh, but my, is that old faggot going to love the way you have grown and developed then! Also, stay the hell away from my faggot hubby then! Also, young lady with all the girl parts, I mean, everyone in town, like all sixteen of us, have always wonder if "Voodoo" even has a dick, so?"

"(Tee, he) I mean, that's not exactly my area to explore, but with this piece of cake, right?"

[Turn him, playfully slap him]

"Well, it's good to see you, Voodoo and I'll let the hubby know that you're at your uncle's cabin so that he doesn't shoot first and then just go fishing, but if need any firewood and you have an extra guy with you, who needs to unload just after he loads up a truck bed of firewood, I mean, send him around then, so."

I mean, small town folk, right?

"Hmmm."

"Margo, it's never a sign when someone just says "hmmm", so?"

"Oh, I just keep thinking of that sign I was reading inside of the "we do it all" grocery store, so?"

"Oh, the sign that said "Fresh Spotted Halibut on sale" then? Trust me, one, two, three, fresh Spotted Halibut is rare and Mrs. Greenwich just has a one, two, black, black Sharpie, so."

Well, I just said a few paragraphs above that it was comedy week at the cabin, so. Also, huh, heavy laughter makes boobs bounce, so.

"LOL, no silly, the sign that said a certain couple could enjoy a little time changing in front of each and then, one, to, three, if one of the makeshift bikini changers got scared like that day after the basketball game, I mean, send him down to pickup a load of firewood and let him leave a load and then maybe everybody is, one, two, three happy then, so? And then, one, two, three, I take that all back because Mickey would certainly tag along, so, my bad then."

I mean, boys, boats and firewood, right? Also, LOL, she was totally right about that, so back to the cabin it was, only to find a sad looking Mickey, sitting in the back lawn, which isn't much of a lawn.

"Run out of gas then, Mickey?"

[Flips the truck key FOB]

"Grab the two fuel tanks from the boat and go then. Also, the cashier, Mrs. Greenwich, is crazy, so."

"Damn! Voodoo, I mean, you're the best. But listen, you know this roomy boat is an old police rescue and recovery boat, right?"

"La, la, la, la, just go get some gas. We don't, well, I don't talk about that, one, two, three."

Nope, I never ever asked my uncle if the boat had been required to be in service, so.

"Mickey, before you go, I mean, what if I'm a little less than I am right now at some point during the holiday weekend then?"

"Oh, I mean, you're the host and I'm piloting the boat, so. Ooh, I mean, Andy might like that, but I'm sticking with the boat and Margo in her super soft bath robe, so, I mean, should I be texting anything then, Voodoo?"

"Um, nope, nope, nope, nope."

I mean, one cannot come off to desperate for another "you peek me and I'll peek you" adventure in the changing room, right? Also, I mean, one, two, three, I would never chicken out and send anyone to load up a load of firewood over at Mrs. Greenwich's cottage. I mean, I probably would when push came to shove, but who one, two, three knows, right?

End Voodoo, one, two, three 01