Was I Man Enough?

As far as I was concerned everything was on track. The late summer and early autumn were always my busiest time. I was out on the farm from six in the morning to nine at night, seven days a week. But Liz was used to the cycle of the seasons in a farming community. She knew why I was dragging myself into our bed exhausted every night, and I was up before she woke every morning or at least I thought she did.

They say you are always the last to know; well it was true in my case. I have racked my brain to see if I could recall anything that suggested we had a problem, and I can't think of a single thing.

For once on that fateful afternoon everything was running so smoothly I decided to go home and surprise Liz, as it was her afternoon off. My parents place was on the outskirts of the village near the church and I remembered I needed to replace the flowers on their graves so I picked a couple of bunches from the shop. I parked by the church and spent a few minutes arraigning the flowers before cutting through the back of the church and into my garden.

I came in the back way; I suppose if I'd driven up the gravel drive as usual I would never have found out. I walked through the kitchen and into the hall and I couldn't see her. Then I heard soft music from upstairs so I hurried up and threw open the door to the bedroom. My shirt was open and I was reaching for my belt when I ground to a halt and took in the scene in front of me. Gordon was on his back with Liz riding his cock.

The sound of the door hitting the wall startled them and they fell apart. Liz went white and cried out, "Nooooo." Then as Gordon struggled to get off the bed he pulled her close and whispered something to her. I saw her face harden and she started screaming at me: "You fucking looser, you never were any good in bed. I've had to fake every orgasm I've ever had with you. Get out you pathetic creep, I want to be fucked by a real man."

All the stories I've read say I should have gone Rambo on them. But in my case it was like a block of ice had encased my heart and all I wanted to do was to get out of there. I turned on my heels and walked back to the car and drove to the farm. I slept in my office that night, and it wasn't until the next evening I drove back to the house to get some fresh clothes. All of Liz's stuff was gone and her engagement ring was on the kitchen table with her keys

I tried to get on with life but I started to hear the sniggers and saw people laughing at me in the street. I sat in the corner of the bar and a drunken girl from the village staggered over.

She said, "Go on, show us our dick, is it true it's small and you can't last more than a few seconds? Liz has been telling us all about you."

There was a round of laughter from around the bar and I looked at her in surprise. What the fuck was Liz saying, she'd never complained before, in fact she'd moaned because I was too big for her to swallow all of my cock.

I didn't know what to say, I was about to shout at them when Dave dragged me out of the pub and took me home. And that was my life for the next couple of months; hide at home when I wasn't working. The only decent thing Liz did was to quit so I didn't need to see her at work.

There was only one ray of sunshine in those dark months, finally the book was ready to publish and to my surprise it got great reviews and hit the best seller list, ok only in thirty-seventh place.

~ ~ ~ ~ <> ~ ~ ~ ~

It was a good couple of hours later that my musings were interrupted and I sensed a hush fall over the room. I looked up and saw Dave and Liz standing in front of me. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying, and she was twisting her hands together. Dave pulled out a chair and sat down and I moved along the bench giving Liz room to sit down. I closed the laptop, happy with the progress I'd made, but nervous about the next few minutes.

Dave said, "My idiot of a sister has got a lot to tell to you, she's going to start with an apology."

"Can I have a drink first please," she said softly.

Dave stood up and went over to the bar, and returned with a half of cider and a pint for himself. He said, "Jimmy wants to know if you want any food, there are some steak 'n kidney puddings going begging." He saw my smile and held up three fingers to Jimmy.

Liz whispered, "I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you, everything got so out of hand. I was so embarrassed when you found us in bed I called you anything I could think of to make you go away. I didn't want you to see me like that."

Jimmy came over and said, "I've laid a table in the Snug Bar lad, it'll be more private, follow me."

"These two need to talk; I'll take mine in here Jimmy." Dave said.

Liz and I followed him into the Snug and settled down at the table and looked at each other. At least I looked at her; she had her head down looking at her hands in her lap. I reached across the table and raised her face so I could see her.

There was really only one question to ask her, "Why, why did you do it?"

"Because I had no choice, Gordon made me."

"What! I thought you were in love with the shit."

"No, I never was, regardless of what you saw. He blackmailed his way into our bed."

"I don't understand, how could he do that?"

She sighed, "I'll explain, but you need to stop interrupting me; Dave did the same, and if he hadn't we'd have been here an hour ago." I sat back in my chair and gestured for her to continue, the food forgotten in front of us.

"The reason my affair in London finished was the man's wife found out. I didn't think it was an affair. I didn't know they were still together. He told me that they were separated and getting divorced, the only reason he went away most weekends was to see his children."

She shook her head, "What a fucking idiot I was. He must have thought I was stupid the way I fell for his flattery. She walked in on us when we were eating at a restaurant. She had video evidence of our affair and she gave me a DVD of our edited highlights so I could enjoy watching myself like the whore I was. I was so upset that I just grabbed it off the table and ran out. I instantly resigned and came back home."

She paused to take a drink and then continued.

"About four months before you walked in on us I got a call from the girl with whom I'd been sharing a flat in London. She was moving and she'd found a couple of boxes of my stuff and could I collect it. You were busy so I asked Gordon if he could drive up and get them. Christ, I wish I'd never asked him. He must have gone through the boxes; you remember how noisy a shit he was."

I remembered and I also recalled the boxes.

"For some totally stupid reason I must have left the fucking DVD in the boxes, I honestly thought I'd destroyed it. Gordon must have seen the damn thing and pocketed it. A few weeks later the two of us were in the pub, waiting for you and Dave. He got a bit fresh and I had to slap him down, he was furious as the entire pub laughed at him. He pulled me to one side, I thought he was going to apologise. But no what he said was 'You better be nice to me because I know things about you that you won't want Daniel or your family to find out'. I didn't know what he meant so I shrugged it off, now I wish I'd told you or Dave."

"The next thing I know, he turned up at the farm with his laptop and showed me the video of me and my boss fucking. He said that he'd broken it up into clips and each time I was nice to him he'd delete a clip. If I said anything he'd e-mail it to everyone and make sure mum and dad got to see it. You know my dad was really ill at the time. It would have killed him to see me like that. I just freaked out; I didn't know what to do. I just knew I couldn't let mum or dad see any of them."

She held her hand out to me and I took it. "It was never about hiding it from you. You were the innocent party, you and Dave already knew about my indiscretion. So although I didn't want you to see me fucking the dickhead it was in the past for us. It was all about keeping the truth from mum and dad."

Fuck, I'd always known that Gordon was jealous of me and Liz. "How many clips had he got," I asked?

"He said fifteen."

I could do the maths. "So he expected you to fuck him at least fifteen times. Because from what I saw, that's what he meant by being nice to him. Were you really that stupid to believe he would keep his word?"

I sat back in my chair. I remembered how easily Liz could lose the plot under unexpected pressure. I could see her panicking and agreeing to his demands.

"What choice did I have? I had to trust him. Each time I saw him he would show me a new clip and when we finished he'd let me delete it. And before you ask I'd deleted five clips by the time you found out."

"But why all the things you said about me," I asked?

"Because when you walked in on us he was so scared that you'd hurt him that he told me that if I didn't get rid of you, he would make sure mum and dad got to see the video. I'm sorry, but I only had a moment to make a decision."

The tears were forming in the corner of her eyes and she used the serviette to stop them.

"Daniel, I made the worse decision of my life. I decided that hurting you was the lessor of two evils. I should have told you what he was doing. I knew you loved me so there was a chance I could make it up to you. I couldn't lose dad, so I just said the first things that came into my mind. Probably because that's what I thought about Gordon every time he touched me. The stupid thing is I know that you and Dave would have stopped him doing anything but I wasn't thinking straight."

I couldn't help it, I laughed, but I wasn't laughing inside. Why hadn't she trusted me? Gordon could never hide anything from Dave and me; he knew we would have destroyed him if he'd gone through with his plan.

"After you saw us, it got worse. I had to sit there and smile as he told all our friends how bad you were in bed, and how I'd come to him for some 'real lovin'. I couldn't say anything as he always had one of the clips on his phone ready to mail out if I said anything."

"But what did you tell your parents about us?"

"I just said that we weren't in love anymore, and we'd agreed to go our separate ways and I was seeing Gordon now. They were upset but to be honest at the time mum was so much more worried about dad, he was in and out of hospital all the time. I think she was relieved that she didn't need to organise the wedding. I think she also thought we'd get back together."

"So why the change of heart just after I left."

"Shit, you had to go and leave didn't you, just when I sorted everything out!"

I couldn't help it, "So you'd fucked him fifteen times then had you?"

The tears she'd been keeping at bay flooded down her face, "No, it wasn't that," she sobbed. I gave her a briefest of hugs and she looked at me gratefully.

"A couple of days before you left, Gordon got knocked off his bike outside the village shop."

Now I did laugh.

"He wasn't hurt that badly, just enough to put him in hospital overnight with a concussion. After the ambulance left one of our neighbours gave me his back pack for safe keeping. The EMT's must have taken it off him and because he was semi-conscious he hadn't noticed, usually he wouldn't let it out of his sight.
Inside I found his laptop, his phone and the original DVD, so I trashed the lot. Then I used his keys and snuck into his parents place and searched his room and took everything that could possibly have a copy of the video on it. Thank god they were out for most of the night at the hospital, as it took me two trips to get everything. I got it back to mum and dad's and went through the lot; I destroyed anything that could store the video."

She looked at me sadly, "I kept one thing to show you as I was hoping you'd forgive me. I've still got it and I need you to see it. Maybe you will understand what it was like for me, and why I did it."

She handed me a memory stick and said, "The idiot recorded our sessions for his own gratification, what he didn't realise was.... well you can see."

"I really don't want to see you in bed with that prat Gordon."

"That's not what I want you to see. Please you need to see the first part to understand why. I'd rather you didn't see the rest, please leave me some dignity."

I pulled out my laptop and plugged in the memory stick, after a moment the directory came up and I clicked on the video file icon.

The video player popped up and Liz said, "Please turn the sound down, you need to hear but the rest of these noisy parkers don't need to."

I turned the sound down, and she moved her chair beside mine and her head moved close to mine. It was the closest we'd been for over four years. I took her hand again and she squeezed it briefly.

~ ~ ~ ~ <> ~ ~ ~ ~

The video opened with Liz standing on the far side of our bed looking distraught wearing just her bra and panties, Gordon moved into frame and lay down on the bed. He pulled her down beside him but she pushed him away.

"Listen you silly cunt you know you don't have a choice, either you fuck me or mummy and daddy will find out what a little slut you are. You saw the clip; do you really want me send it to them.

He pointed in the direction of the camera so I guessed he was recording this using the laptops web cam.

He started pawing at her breasts, pushing the bra up. She just lay there not moving.

"Christ, you better start enjoying this or off the clip goes."

"You bastard, I agreed you can fuck me, but I never said I would enjoy it; as far as I'm concerned this is just a rape."

I don't care what you call it, ok yes I'm raping you, but you better fucking put some effort into it or our deal's off."

~ ~ ~ ~ <> ~ ~ ~ ~

Liz hit the stop button, "Please don't watch any more, I want to delete this now that you've seen it."

"The little fucker; did the idiot not realise he'd just admitted to blackmail and non-consensual sex. You should take this to the police, that bastard should be in jail. If you don't, I think Dave and I will be having some serious words with the bastard!"

"There's no point he's already suffering enough. He's going to be in prison for the next thirty years. He ran away to Thailand and stabbed another tourist in a bar brawl. He apparently tried to drug a girl to have sex with her. Her boyfriend spotted him and Gordon stabbed him trying to get away. His mother told me because she thought I had feelings for him. I was crying all right but they were tears of happiness. He's got to serve the first ten years in Thailand before he's eligible for a transfer to a British prison."

"Serves the fucker right."

I opened the drive folder and brought up format option. I selected the full option.

"Click ok and it's gone," I told her.

She clicked and we watched the progress bar complete its path. I filled the drive up with random files and then reformatted the drive again. Then I took it into the main bar and tossed it on the fire.

The whole bar watched what I did and then their eyes followed me as I went back to the Snug.

She looked at me and said, "I'm sorry Danny. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to stand up to the bastard. I ruined everything between us, didn't I? Why did you have to leave just when I could prove that it wasn't entirely my fault?"

"I got a job offer in the States that was too good to turn down. I didn't think there was anything left for me here. I just wanted a new start."

She looked into my eyes and then she sighed. "There is no us anymore, is there?" she whispered.

"Not that way anymore. I'm sorry love, too much time has passed and I've met someone else." I stood up and held my arms out to her and she fell into them sobbing.

I said, "I do still love you," and I did. "But I can't be with you again. I love you the same way I love Dave. You're the sister I never had, just as Dave's my brother. But tell me honestly, were you really were in love with me?"

She looked up at me for a long time then she said, "You might be right. I'm not sure I ever was. I know I liked you a lot, and I've really missed you, and I guess I believed I was in love with you. But I think I was infatuated with the idea of being your wife. I think I was more in love with the idea of you being my knight in shining armour."

"Can I give my sister a kiss," I asked. She held her face up to me and we kissed and it was like the years had rolled back to our first kiss on her sixteenth birthday party. I realised that all hate and bitterness had gone from inside me; all that was left was the pity that she couldn't have trusted me or her family to understand.

"Come on," I said, "Let's go and find big brother. I need a serious drink after that."

She took my hand and led me back into the bar. We both had smile on faces; you could almost feel the sense of relief that spread around the bar. We sat down at our table and this time she sat down beside me. Dave got up and ordered a round of drinks and for the first time in days I sat back and relaxed.

I thought as we sat drinking that looking back on that period of my life in the light of the day (well the dingy light of the pub), about how stupid it had all been.

If only Liz had come to me or her brother; if only I hadn't played the injured soldier and hidden away for those months; if only I had tried to get to the bottom of the whole bizarre incident; then who knows what my life would be like? But then again would I have had the motivation to keep on writing? And of course would I have met Mia?

The thought of Mia brought a big smile to my face and the need to talk to her grew exponentially with each passing minute. I tried calling and it when to voice mail immediately.

Mid Sunday morning saw us sitting around the kitchen table surrounded by the empty plates of the breakfast that Liz had cooked. I had my laptop open and I was going through my emails and cursing under my breath.

"What's the problem mate?" Dave asked and Liz rubbed my arm.

"My agent has issues with me," I said.

"Your agent! What the hell are you, a movie star?" Dave said.

I laughed, "No, I'm an author; Jenny's my literary agent. She sells my books to the publishers. I was supposed to be on a book signing tour of Europe and I bailed on it to understand all of this."

Liz said, "I thought you said you left here because you got job offer."

"I did get one; it was a new five book publishing deal. My agent is American so she was keen that I moved to the States to write them. I'd already done one before I got the offer. I've written three more of them, a fourth is in the works and I think I have an idea for the last of the five."

I think Liz had only just realised what I'd said. "Did you say you are an author? I've never seen anything written by you."

I got up and went to the bookcase in the parlour. I'd seen a couple of my books on the shelves the afternoon before. I found there were three of my books and brought them to the table.

Liz picked one up and looked closely at the photo on the back cover, then back to me. "Shit it's you, you're Alexander Peters. They're some of my favourite books, Danny."

Dave picked up another of the books looking at the cover, "God, even I've heard of this one." Neither of them had previously noticed my old photo on the back.

I smiled at them and carried on reading my mails, Jenny was desperate for me to start the book signing tour, but I still had to tell Mia my decision.

~ ~ ~ ~ <> ~ ~ ~ ~

I'd told Liz all about her last night as we sat around after we'd got back from the pub. Her response was typical Liz. "You bloody idiot, she sounds wonderful, what the fuck are you doing here. We may have both hurt you but at least she was doing it for all the right reasons unlike me."