Webb 01

Webb 01

So, hey there, I'm Webb, Weird Webb behind my back, of course and I'm writing to you today about six weeks in advance of when I planned on telling what I thought would be a juicy story, but as it turned out, my pre prep efforts threw a monkey wrench into my plans.

To set the scene, about six weeks before the First Fall Festival, I started to spread the word to generate interest about what I had planned for the festival, but since it's always about the timing, my timing may have not been the best. Not the worst and I think I won in the end, but as I cruised the Strip with my information, I ran into four problems. Three knuckleheads, each with their crew and one guy, Robert, who, well, we knew each other for a while, but things were weird between us, so, Robert is my secret knucklehead, but we can keep that between us for now.

Scene two, the three knuckleheads, Billy, Stanley and Lenny, barely get honorable mention, but only because I learned a few things, things that ended in like, ewe, WTF and OMG.

Footnote, if the city of Middleton would post a registry of who was hanging out on the Strip, maybe half of this would have never happened.

Also, by the time the First Fall Festival rolls around, I plan on testing out the "bed head" hairstyle, just FYI info for you blog readers.

Scene three, without realizing it, I picked the Friday night before the weekends annual festive event known as the Middleton River Canoe Float with optional overnight camping for those who wished to make the entire weekend out of it.

Scene four, things have been weird between Robert and I since like forever, like trying to mate up two horseshoe magnets to their similar polarization poles and to prove that science, last year, I forced a lip smack on him because enough was enough and swoosh, after about seventeen seconds of heavy tongue tagging, I was polarized backwards and away by Robert. And yep, I take responsibility for that day, but I was also half pushed back by his twanging boner, so he could at least own up to that, right? Nope. Unless the silent treatment is the same as owning up.

Footnote, I didn't care that he got hard for me. I'm adorable. And I actually wished that my cheeks were bigger so I could carry more color. Again, FYI.

[Introducing Robert. Well, Robert approached Webb because Webb walked in the way]

"Oh, Robert, you're here on the Strip at the same that I am and we actually bumped shoulders and you're not running yet, so, I mean, I have 9-1-1 on speed dial, if you're not feeling well, so?"

"Webb, shut it!"

"Oh, and words too! You must be on your death bed, so, should I start recording this because your last words might be required at the last reading of your Will then, hmm?"

And maybe I had a chip on my shoulder since Robert liked everything about me, including my fashion, but he couldn't get past that we shared the same equipment in our southern pole regions. And he had the much, much, much bigger pole and he still had issues! And the three "much's" are my best guess, but I'm guessing that I'm right since I've felt it before through his cargo shorts.

"Well, what are doing on the Strip then, Webb, anyways, huh?"

[Hits record on cell phone for the lawyers during the last reading of Robert's Will]

"Well, Robert, I'm circulating the word that I'm sponsoring a ghoulish witch investigation during the upcoming First Fall Festival for a lost coven of three witches from a Vermont clan that as legend has it, were captured and buried here in Middleton for all eternity. I even have Sadie the Psychic leading the investigation and everything, so, what are you doing then, hmm?"

"Um, hanging out a bit before the overnight canoe float down the river, so?"

"Oh, and who is your canoe and tent partner then, Robert, some chick you just met, who doesn't have what I have, which scares the bejesus out of you, unless you're looking at me from the backside, right?"

It's just a little chip on my shoulder, I swear. And you can look for yourself since I have such smooth shoulders, but you know, don't look down! Well, you know what's there anyways, so.

"Webb, Dale is my canoe and tent partner, so, again, shut it! And I might shut it too since I'm really not sure what to say that won't bring a storm cloud snap clap back from you, so."

"Well, Robert, since all of this is your fault, you can make it up to me, right here and now, by saying something nice about me and my appearance tonight and you can start with my hair, but you can skip over my cheeks since I already know that I have gone a little overboard with the with my fire red, lava red, sunlight red, Dragon Fruit red, starburst red, forest fire red and candy cherry red cheek blushes!" And by the way, Robert, I'm waiting, so?"

"Oh, um, in reverse order then, Webb, um, it was your cheeks that caught my eye from the south end of the Strip and I came this way to see if the sun was in the sky at night by black magic and your half goth look is pretty cool and your hair, um, is still swept back and getting longer and um, ooh, aw..."

"It's dirty silver, not gray, Robert."

"Yeah, yeah, that's what I was going say, dirty silver and you're wearing like two shirts and, oh, you can go fishing, so, nailed it! Right, Webb?"

"A red breathable nylon chest hugger crop top with a long sleeve fishnet over shirt, so stay away from the Carpenters union for how you nailed it, Robert, so?"

"Oh, and long blue jeans, Webb, nailed it!"

"Ahem, theme jeans, boot top breaks with the slightest of a flare at the breaks, but blue and long, so that nail missed your big toe, so, go on then, Robert."

"Fingerless gloves, nailed it! Wait, black leather fingerless gloves, nailed it!"

[Hands off a ghoulish lost witch coven hunt flyer as a prize]

"You win the prize then, Robert, so, you know, good job."

"Oh, it's too bad we didn't play 20 questions at a kissing booth then, right, Webb? And the access walkways are the same as a kissing booth, you know, as nobody spies us disappearing into the darkness and you know that is a bold statement coming from me, tee he, in public, so?"

"Oh, it's too bad for you, Robert, because since I just learned that you are participating in the overnight canoe float adventure, all I have thought about is crawling into your little tent after hours and I'm pretty positive that I would be inclined to engage in a little kissing naked with you, so?"

Hey, you guys are the ones who flicked the chip off of my shoulder, so, shut it! And once "kissing naked" popped into my head, well, that's my dream now, oh, so, it's your fault then!

"Wait, what, Webb? Hey, that's a triple "W", so, nailed it! OMG, hold up, I'm changing my response to "wait, what, Weird Webb" and that's a quad "W", so totally nailed it!"

Okay, that's like the fifth time that I've thought enough is enough with that guy, so, you guys explain to him what he had a chance to nail then! And I'm totally ready for something along those lines and the truth be told, gagged, pegged, both, would be alright, as long as the pegging waits a while, but as long was start out kissing naked, well, we'll see what happens then.

Meanwhile, while you guys are scolding for Robert for failing the Carpenters test about how to nail what is almost begging to be nailed, please add a wagging finger or two to prolong the scolding since I spotted a friend across the Strip who could possibly help me with what the three knuckleheads that I previously encountered brought up.

And in confidence and code, of course because until somebody, ahem, passes the damn Carpenter's test and actually nails something! And I will instigate the kissing naked part! Sheesh.

Oh, and actually, my hair is dirty silver gray, but I like it for now and by for now, I mean, for not more than the First Fall Festival when I sprout the "bed head" look that I mentioned earlier. But I like the dirty silver for now and at least it's different.

And back to my other friend since I turned around and spied you guys explaining a few things to Robert, so, thank you and I'll post a filtered nudie just for you guys and banner it as "kissing naked ready" by tomorrow night [mwah].

"Hi, January, um, January, I mean, I'm just curious and all, so, you know, just what is a quick fuck then, January? You know, because I'm curious, so?"

"Oh, Webb, that's when a man is horny, you know, because he's awake, but the time is short or maybe there is a risk of getting caught, so he wants just a quick fuck, which is when he promises to thrust into a human hole, no less than three times and no more than five times, you know, between "ugh, ugh, ugh" and "ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh" and then he pulls his cock out of said human hole, both get redressed, lip smack once or twice and go about their business and live happily ever until he dumps you, so?"

"Oh, geez, um, January, that doesn't sound like..."

"Oh, and that's all a lie, Webb because if you read the footnotes of the playbook, which I already sent you a pdf copy of, there is no such thing as a quick fuck because it's near impossible for a man to stop thrusting all "ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh" once he is inside of a human hole until both of his balls are totally empty, including, of course, all ooze and drizzle and then he dumps you, the end, so?"

[Scratch quick fuck Billy from before]

"January, I mean, I'm just curious and all, so, I mean, January, what does it mean to be long dicked then, I mean, I'm just curious and all, so?"

"Oh, Webb, when a man long dicks his partner, I mean, there is more time available, but it's a little rougher and with a lot of yelping and grunting and slamming and since there is more time and privacy available, the "argh, argh, argh, argh" seem endless and then the guy totally unloads both of his balls in a fury and in a frenzy, of course, including all ooze and drizzle, but there is a moment of rest before both of them redress, smack lips a couple of times and go about their business and live happily ever after, until he dumps you, so? Seriously, read the footnotes of playbook that I emailed you, Webb!"

Well, I got hung on the paragraph that talked about how to handle the constant influx of dick pix, so.

[Scratch long dick Stan from before]

"Oh, wow, then I shouldn't even ask what a quick kiss, kiss back is then, right, January?"

"Oh, Webb, that's basically everything that I just said before, highlighted by the furious emptying of both balls, obviously with all ooze and drizzle included, of course, only with your mouth, so, what other requests for sex have you received tonight then, hmm, starburst cheeks?"

[Scratch quick kiss, kiss back Lenny.]

"I mean, January, Robert wants me to sneak into his overnight tent tomorrow night down the river where they are..."

"Ooh, Robert would be a good match for you then, Webb. He's shy, he's nice, he played sports, he was idiot for not hooking up with you this past Spring, so, I could totally see the two of you kissing naked! Well, I don't want to see that, but get sneaky and see what happens then, Webb."

Now folks, I'm not going to include this in my story today, but the first chance that I get, I will be visiting Wilma over at the Frozen Freeze Shop on the Strip and grill her for how she recently "dared" me to "quick lick, lick back" one her customers that sat a high-top table and had a boner for me! I promise you, I thought she was daring me to dash up on him and steal a quick lick of his Frozen Freeze! Things are clearer to me now. Tee he, but that guy totally had a boner for me! Which Wilma may or may not have photographic proof, but this is not about that.

So, obviously, I had no further questions for January. But I liked her crew, so I stayed there for a while since Robert was receiving a gentle bitch slapping across the Strip, tee he, so, unfiltered for you then, Anon5124.

[Whoop]

"Kissing naked! Kissing naked!"

[Weep]

"Who is this?"

Oh, wrong number. Or Robert dumped my phone number from his phone! Ahem, Anon3182, an elbow, please and thank you, half swing speed.

Also, since kissing naked probably leads to another thing, I mean, if I were to sneak into his teeny tiny tent somehow, I mean, I'm not asking January for sure, but would a wash cloth in my mouth to muffle the sounds be acceptable? I've looked at ball gags online and they don't look comfortable at all, so, what say you guys then, hmm? Or am I looking at the ball gags all wrong, hmm?

"Excuse me, coming through, excuse me, coming through!"

[Pieces of peacock feathers fly and flay about in the air]

"Webb, how dare you [gentle face slap] take your time responding to my single request to promo your upcoming dead witch hunt next month and then have the nerve to text me that you wanted my help to find you someone to kiss naked with [another gentle face slip]."

Oh, so, tee he, I messed up that text, sure enough!

"I'm already at my wits ends and losing peacock tail feathers fast with how little time I had to pull together a squad of three petite promo canoeing Lil Pocahantas Lil Ladies for this stupid canoe float this weekend and now I have to deal with your sex life and wait on your answer to find the perfect three petite promo Lil Witches for your event, I mean, look at my hair, Webb, I'm at my wits ends with split ends, for Pete's sakes!"

Folks, I'm innocent! I answered her days ago and my answer was yes!

"[Cough, spit out bits of feather, cough] Peacock Penny, I responded positively to your single request for my event promo gig and the city is all abuzz with how you are lining the shoreline for the canoe launches with 27 promo petites, global promo petite Lil Ladies, so, I'm innocent!"

"Well, sometimes I just like to squawk so everyone knows that I have to do everything. And I already found the prefect petite promo Lil Witches in England and they are from authentic witch blood, so everybody needs to know that as well, but I wanted your support and approval before hitting the "go" button, so?"

"[Cough, spit out bits of feather, cough] Peacock Penny, is waiting to hit the "go" button the same as they are on a flight as you squawk, hmm?"

"Well [tail feathers shake and fluff back and forth] flight 1732, but only because they need our promo training along side with my other 27 Lil Ladies promo squads and because the big bags of money can support a two month stay here in Middleton at the 5-Star hotel, so, shut it because that's not important because what's important is that there is some bushy haired guy laying on the sidewalk across the Strip who I think is a good match for you and I could totally see the two of you kissing naked. Wait, I don't want to actually see that, but now that you are under my charms, you know what I mean, so, get with it and try to figure out how to kiss naked with your shy boyfriend and leave me to my ongoing and very stressful work of building a global network of petite promo squads [feathers flaying everywhere]!"

"[Cough, spit out bits of feather, cough] Peacock Penny, I need a code book of when you're fishing for compliments, spreading it around for how you do or when you're actually mad!"

"Well, I just like to be clear that I have to everything, including searching out Lil Witches, authentic, of course, from England, that not only met my petite promo Lil Ladies standards, but those of the very needy Sadie the Psychic too and by the way, the big bags of money are now also supporting a personal camerawoman for Sadie the Psychic and by the another way, since you're under my charms now, Webb, because I'm so charming, ahem, I expect to see you along the riverbank in the morning for your opinions and for your clicks and for your likes for the 27 Lil Pocahantas canoeing deer skin dresses, complete with fringes to die for that peek what men die for and to fight off any historians in case we got the look wrong. Unless the historian is a man, of course, because my perfect petite promo Lil Ladies put all men in such deep trances, so"

Well, that part was certainly true. And I guess, I mean, I guess my ancient lost witch investigation advertisement was now in the hands of Peacock Penny. And LOL, she snatched my cell phone and clearly identified herself in my contact list as HCMPP, Her Colorful Majesty, Peacock Penny!

"And Webb, since we both now in a partnership..."

Yikes! I've heard about partnerships and how they end up in the high mountains of southern Argentina!

"When you come to the riverbanks in the morning, I'll personally make certain that you and your boyfriend have the proper privacy to say bon voyage, not in terms of all this naked kissing thing that you keep squawking about, but with some privacy for sure, so, are you submitting, I mean, are you going into a contract with me then, hmm, Webb?"

Yikes!

"[Cough, spit out bits of feather, cough] actually, Peacock Penny, I submit to a contract with you."

Oh, I never anywhere in my story have I said that I think everything through enough. I mean, all I can still think about is kissing naked. And maybe I'm thinking about what to wear so the thrill of kissing naked isn't lost while taking too long to get naked. And maybe I'm totally rethinking the pegging thing I mentioned above, again, for now anyways because I think gagging will be enough for now.

I'm also thinking that we both get naked, right?

And lastly, I'm thinking that I'm happy that I don't have to pound the pavement with getting the word out about my upcoming ancient lost coven hunt during the First Fall Festival since I made a deal with the devil, tee he.

But I did show up along the river bank the next morning, after verifying online that the canoe float was for adults only. I mean, it was 9am and I had never dressed before that early while outside before, so I took a stab at it. Also, tee he, I will definitely find other ways and other reasons to go out that early in the morning dressed. That was actually a thrill too.

"Well, someone looks like they had a rough ending to their Friday night on the Strip then, Robert, right? Also, I will be spouting a similar "bed head" hairstyle look myself in about six weeks, so."

"Webb, I got jumped last night after you walked away. Well, I got bitch slapped a couple of times, but when I came around, I found a test retake schedule in my pocket for my Carpenter's test, so, that was cool. Also, two things, Webb, one, tee he, you're practically naked and two, I mean, do you know that some people do stuff over your body from your Chang homepage selfie area, so?"

I was not practically naked. My morning shorts were modest minus one cuff roll up.

"Oh, Robert, one, this is an adult's only canoe float, so who cares how I went a little skimpy this morning, unless you're ashamed of me again and two, sheesh, you should see my homepage from my side. Also, I owe a couple of debts, so, tee he, don't log onto my homepage for a few days, so."

They say those lurkers will always be there. And my morning shorts were so not all that modest.

"OMG, also, Robert, Dale, you two can look at the perfectly petite promo Lil Ladies! That's why they are here and they are 27 strong, so."

[Cartoon style head spinning that creates a wind storm, which kicks up more pieces of peacock feathers]

Actually, all that head spinning redefined their bed heads styles and not in the best of ways, so, I may rethink my bed head look for the First Fall Festival.

"Alright, cartoon heads, that's enough. Dale, take care of the canoe stuff while Robert escorts me to my truck, okay? I mean, Robert?"

Well, that felt like a win since Robert actually walked me towards the parking lot where I was parked and since all the canoe float people arrived so much earlier than I did, I mean, I was parked far back no matter how many available parking spots there were, so.

[Mwah, ummah, smack]

"Robert, all I'm saying is that you need to own it or sell it. If you want sex, secret or otherwise with me, then say that and own it and I don't care if you want to follow steps 1, 2, 3 in a row or if you want to jack off on my butt before I put you in my mouth or even the good ole video game days of five hand jobs in a row, but you have to stand up and own it first, so?"